To feel like my little holiday has already been ruined :(

[TwllBach]

Me and DP are supposed to be going away for three nights tomorrow. It's been organised for about a month and a half and I was really excited for it. We are going to see my mum, who I haven't seen in a year, then to a hotel near London and then back up to one nearer home.

When we see my mum, my brother is taking us out for a meal in a smart casual restaurant. We have known this for about a month. DP googled it so knew what it was. He has already spent a while niggling at a low level because it is the opening weekend of the Olympics and we will more than likely get stuck in traffic.

Yesterday he decided that he did not realise it was 'smart casual' and fell in to a bit of a bad temper. We had to go shopping (23 miles away) do he could buy clothes and shoes as he is strictly a buggy jeans and big bulky trainers sort of person. All the time we were shoppig he was bitching about te sort of people that wear 'smart casual' and how he doesn't mix with people who dress like that so buying clothes is a waste of money. He refused to pick the right size do everything he tried on didn't fit an therefore he wouldn't buy it. He wouldn't consider buying black shoes because he didn't want to be boring. He made snarky remarks about how we dont go out as a couple so he doesn't have decent clothes - this was a dig aimed at me as I have previously been very shy but I'm getting much better now.

We are now going to have to stop ina city on an already 6 - 7 hour journey so he can buy clothes because he couldn't pick anything then.

I picked him up from work today and he was swearin and angry because he was stressed. He said that he had so much work to do and it made him even more angry because it's not like it's even worth it as we are onl away Friday to Monday. I said that we didn't have to go as it is obviously causing him a lot f stress and he told me I was being moody.

It's five to eleven and he is angry with me because I have packed mu own small suitcase instead of waiting for him to get down a large one. It is my fault that he can't find his suit trousers and that his shirt isn't clean. I've spent the last two days trying to guess what to wash for him as e kept putting it off. I have a friend coming I stay to look after the animals and have scrubbed the bathroom, which looks beautiful and e had decided that he will cut his hair and shave before we go. This is fine, but e never clears up properly. He had also just put a wash on.

I'm so miserable, I'd rather not go. I'm confused because he told me I have an attitude that is pissing him off, but I don't understand. I wish I hadn't suggested we go away.

he may be stressed about work but his behaviour is not acceptable, hopefully once you get there he will enjoy it but if he continues I would go on my own

Wow, no kids and not married?

Go have a lovely weekend by yourself and decide whether this is really what you want to be dealing with for the rest of your life.

How the hell is he going to act if/when you have kids and he is not the centre of the universe anymore?

Why are his behaviours your fault/job to manage?

Look - stop making excuses for him - he's a had a month and a half to organise himself and has been aware of the itinerary the entire time. Just because he's had a change of heart and is being reasonable now, doesn't mean he wasn't out of of order before.

Maybe he is stressed...but frankly, so what? It's a mini break and it's supposed to be fun, something different, and it's not cool for him to bring a downer on it for you both. You know what they say - misery loves company.

Even if things are hectic at work...it's not a licence to be shitty to you! It's not ofyour doing...in fact, you're making every effort to create something nice for you both to enjoy - he sure shouldn't be taking anything out on you! Stress my arse! It's sheer bad manners!

I hope you enjoy your break. Don't be a martyr to his moods...it's a hiding to nothing, I promise you. xx

Oh I had missed that you have no kids...

Just please yourself then, he can stay at home and be a sulky twat if he wants to!

Leave the bastard.

Seriously.

On a purely practical note, that review says the clientele were wearing denim. Big white trainers might be out of place, but at the end of the day it's still a gastropub, so I would have thought the more casual end of smart casual would be fine.

He does sound very childish though ...

I'm feeling a bit like I was unfair now, taking Friday and Monday off probably has meant he has had to work twice as hard today and again on Tuesday. But then maybe he should have organised his time better. But then maybe he couldn't

Seriously?! This is how you are feeling? This is how you allow him to make you feel?

A partner/husband/lover should NOT make you feel like this. You seem to spend an awful lot of time making excuses for him. God, you are so young still, don't waste your precious youth like this. Don't settle for less than being with a man who makes you feel great, not someone who belittles you or who feels threatened by you having an opinion. I despair to hear you have settled for this.

Why haven't you seen your mum for a year before now? Do you find it difficult to see her because of him? How far away from her are you?

If you were my daughter I would despair at your choice of relationship and I hope my girl has more self-esteem to make a better choice.

I know I sound harsh but I really want you to see that the way he has eroded your feelings is wrong - and that good relationships are not like this. Yes, relationships are hard but this kind of hassle is not worth it.

Don't waste your life on someone who makes you feel like this or acts Luke this. I suspect if you were being entirely honest there is far more you could tell us - far more incidents?

Hmmm, I can sympathise, my man has these traits. Partly down to being really self conscious and partly being a real home bird and not really like being away from home.

I just except this and go away for these type of 3 day trips to visit family by myself or with a mate. He always gets an invite to anything I'm doing but he knows he can decline it, I know I'll just go ahead and do the things I want to do with or without him and he knows this too. We just have acceptance.

He is a good partner and dad and I have lots of other things I can enjoy with him, so I'm happy to accept this situation with him.

Does he make up for this in other ways like my DP does?

Completely sympathise, we have had this siutation many times, so can't offer advice just sympathy...

He sounds like a massive knob.

I would say go on your own, tell him it's ok, you do'nt need him to go too. What he really wants to happen is for you to cancel the whole thing in a way that doesn't make him look bad.

to me it sounds like he's nervous and trying to cause an argument so he doesn't have to go and it'll be your fault or he's not going because of the argument rather than having to say "I don't want to" - bit like an overgrown teenager. If you have always been the 'weak/shy/socially akward' one and him the confident one, it could be hard for him to admit this.

I think you've outgrown him, or at least, you've grown up, no longer the shy little girl, the one who is going places and while he might have supported you to get there before, now you have actually done it, it's not about him being the great boyfriend who supports you, it's about you being a success without him.

Dramas like this between my mother and father were a regular part of my childhood. It was one aspect of his controlling behaviour. Gradually they got to the point where any outing or holiday ran completely to his agenda. If she arranged anything that she wanted to do, it was like a countdown to the event, as he ran through his repertoire of moaning about where they were going, who they would be with, not liking the venue, not knowing what to wear... most times she would bow to pressure and they wouldn't go.
If this is a one-off then you need to take him to one side and make sure he knows exactly how his behaviour is making you feel, and how it is spoiling the first time you've seen your mother in a YEAR. If he keeps meeting your needs with anger, then I think you need to sit back and have a good look at this relationship. Are there other similar aspects of controlling behaviour? Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life?

p.s. Nervous? A man in the position at work that you describe? Really? And if he is then he's old enough and ugly enough to man up and live through it with a smile on his face for the sake of the woman he loves.

Having read through all of the posts one of the things that you said Twllbach stood out for me. You said since you've been mnetting you've got more to say for yourself [I'm paraphrasing] and you can't tell whether his opinion on this is good or bad, he seems threatened by your newly found confidence imo . Take some notice of what your Mum says, she is thinking about you.

Don't buy clothes! Clean jeans and trainers are FINE, even in the Ritz!

I did post earlier and made a bit of a sarky comment but I now see that this is about what he'll wear to a Turkish gastropub in Essex, for heaven's sake. I'd go on my own and tell him to bollocks. Don't saddle yourself with this whining crybaby. You're only 24. Plenty more fish in the sea, as they say.

It's not nice when a group of strangers on the internet tells you your OH is a "knob" "arsehole"....but on this occassion I would have to agree that he is certainly acting like one. Go on your own...x

sorry but Ican't find much sypmathy for anyone who puts up with a piece of shit like this

godd luck op.you'll need it

I was with a guy like that for 3 years. Thank God I gave up on the manchild eventually and am now married and have kids with a wonderful guy, who never swears, is patient, kind and a good parent. My ex is just being divorced by his wife, she prefers to single parent two under three than deal with him.

Do you really love him and want to put his needs first? Does he love you and want to put your needs first? If you can't say yes to both then I'd have a serious think about whether the relationship is right for you.

You seem to be getting a roasting which I don't think is entirely fair. I think you need to sit down with him and be direct but not confrontational. Something along the lineso f "DH. In the last couple of weeks you haven't been yourself. Something is obviously bothering you. Please tell me what it is. If you don't tell me what it is then I can't do anything about it". You have to remain absolutely calm and ask leading questions. Is it spending time with your mother, is it the restaurant, are you under additional stress at work. One you've got it out of him, you then need to ask why he couldnt just tell you that. Also need to tell him that his behaviour has really affected you and how and that that kind of behaviour in a relationship is not on.

If he hasn't done anything like this before then I would give him the benefit of the doubt. If he starts again, then it sounds like a pattern of controlling behaviour and you should leave the bastard.

mmm you were deciding what to wash for him ?? This is a mad complete break down in communication and I would go on my own and tell him to sod off especially as you got no kids and are not married!! Smart casual is just jeans and a shirt really, no biggy.

Perhaps going to see your mum without him will give you both time to think about the future of this relationship.

You have a new job, I think this will be great for you but as you make new friends and do well I can only see his attitude and you worrying about his behaviour becoming a burden. He may be proud of you but he's also afraid that his lack of confidence and self esteem means having to assert himself by controlling behaviour in order to keep you. These are his issues that he should deal with rather than lashing out at you, they are not your fault.

Just re-read your OP.

You are seeing your mum for the first time in a year. Your mum is divorcing and has lost a lot of weight. Your mum's excited about the night out with you and your brother.

Your boyfriend is trying to spoil it all, isn't he?

^"I don't think she thinks he's right for me"

I am not your mother, and just from this snapshot of your life he sounds dreadful.^

I agree with squeakytoy

I also agree that it sounds as if you may have outgrown him. The people you are now at 24 and 27 may be quite different to the people you were at 19 and 22.

Thank f you don't have dcs. Please get out of this shitty excuse for a relationship before you do.