To feel like my little holiday has already been ruined :(

[TwllBach]

Me and DP are supposed to be going away for three nights tomorrow. It's been organised for about a month and a half and I was really excited for it. We are going to see my mum, who I haven't seen in a year, then to a hotel near London and then back up to one nearer home.

When we see my mum, my brother is taking us out for a meal in a smart casual restaurant. We have known this for about a month. DP googled it so knew what it was. He has already spent a while niggling at a low level because it is the opening weekend of the Olympics and we will more than likely get stuck in traffic.

Yesterday he decided that he did not realise it was 'smart casual' and fell in to a bit of a bad temper. We had to go shopping (23 miles away) do he could buy clothes and shoes as he is strictly a buggy jeans and big bulky trainers sort of person. All the time we were shoppig he was bitching about te sort of people that wear 'smart casual' and how he doesn't mix with people who dress like that so buying clothes is a waste of money. He refused to pick the right size do everything he tried on didn't fit an therefore he wouldn't buy it. He wouldn't consider buying black shoes because he didn't want to be boring. He made snarky remarks about how we dont go out as a couple so he doesn't have decent clothes - this was a dig aimed at me as I have previously been very shy but I'm getting much better now.

We are now going to have to stop ina city on an already 6 - 7 hour journey so he can buy clothes because he couldn't pick anything then.

I picked him up from work today and he was swearin and angry because he was stressed. He said that he had so much work to do and it made him even more angry because it's not like it's even worth it as we are onl away Friday to Monday. I said that we didn't have to go as it is obviously causing him a lot f stress and he told me I was being moody.

It's five to eleven and he is angry with me because I have packed mu own small suitcase instead of waiting for him to get down a large one. It is my fault that he can't find his suit trousers and that his shirt isn't clean. I've spent the last two days trying to guess what to wash for him as e kept putting it off. I have a friend coming I stay to look after the animals and have scrubbed the bathroom, which looks beautiful and e had decided that he will cut his hair and shave before we go. This is fine, but e never clears up properly. He had also just put a wash on.

I'm so miserable, I'd rather not go. I'm confused because he told me I have an attitude that is pissing him off, but I don't understand. I wish I hadn't suggested we go away.

abusers not abysses!

Of course he's being wonderful at the moment, he's back in his comfort zone. The week-end away wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. But are you really prepared for him to be a pain every time you want to do something that he doesn't?

I've re-read your own posts on this thread, and the thing that stood out was when you said he fought to protect you from your dad, and would do anything to prevent someone hurting you. Except himself it seems. I'm with 50shades on this, I don't think he will improve, and will definitely get worse. You don't owe him some massive debt of gratitude for being supportive, which is what all of us would expect as a given in any adult relationship. Loving someone and having a great sex life isn't enough reason to continue a relationship that has become so difficult; sometimes you have to conclude that it is no good for you and move on with your life.

I'm honestly not ignoring your advice, you've helped me see what I was hiding, largely, from myself. I just don't feel strong enough to make the decision that I need to yet. I can see it coming though. Before this weekend it was a bit like a shadow in a nightmare that you know is Freddie Kruger or whatever, so you do the childish thing and hide under the duvet and ignore it until its morning/he does something lovely. But over the last couple of months it's become something I can look at out of the corner of my eye and let it brush up against my elbow without freaking out, and it's still there in the morning. Soon it will be something I can look at and square up to, but I'm not there yet.

...that was a touch more dramatic than I intended

I see what you are trying to say. You are used to hiding from difficulties, then focussing just on the good bits of a relationship, a lesson learned from your childhood - those of use who grew up with parents with a more balanced relationship won't see this - so when we have crap bits of a relationship, we will focus on that regardless of how good the good bits are. Then are able to assess if the good bits are good enough and if the bad bits are too bad.

If you are used to pretending the bad bits didn't happen and then ignoring them afterwards to focus on the good bits, then you will find the bad bits of the relationship increase and the good bits really won't be worth it.

Have you spoken to him about his bad behaviour? Now you are back, sit him down and say "I was really upset by the way you behaved before we went away, you were sulky and seemed to be trying to spoil my visit to my mum. Do you have an explaination for why you behaved so badly?" So far you seem to be providing his excuse for him. You haven't actually told him it's not acceptable and asked him why. You have guessed at the excuse, and then decided because he's been ok since you'll just accept the 'stressed from work' or 'stressed about being out of his comfort zone' - you haven't actually asked him why he behaved like that. And therefore haven't made it clear to him you don't consider that to be ok.

Hmmm... Come back and talk to us and do update us op

Just remember what people have said here and remember that you CAN find a good, normal relationship. He needs a heck of a lot of counselling if you are going to be together and to change completely. I still think you need to get out but we can't all keep saying it.

Only you can make a decision - just rememeber this is your life and you have it all ahead of you.

Twll, you sound lovely and very self aware.

FWIW, here's what I think (in no particular order!):

You got together when you were 18/19 and he was around 22 - ie both very young. I think that can be very hard on both parties if you end up getting married - all the "What did I miss?" thoughts. It can work but IMlimitedE, it often doesn't.

You are only 24 and you don't have DC. The world, as they say, is your lobster.

You won't replicate your mum's relationship because you are so aware of it. Your mum sounds amazing BTW and you obviously have a relationship where you can talk to her, so use this whenever you need to.

You are growing out of him, and he (and you) on some level know this. It may take a while longer, but one day you will wake up and know that you have to get out. And then you will.

In the meantime, don't worry too much about it - but don't get married!

God, sounds exactly like my DH. I bet things are completely different when you go to see his family or friends!

After bumping into a poster from this thread somewhere else, I have come back to update

I did speak to DP, at length, about how his behaviour was making me feel. He was very upset that I had been feeling the way I was, and did admit, after much cajoling, that he was a little bit threatened by my sudden... growth. By that, he meant my growing independence and my having opinions etc. I came to him very hurt, very vulnerable and very wary of the outside world in the beginning, and he looked after me and protected me. Clearly, he did a very good job because I now feel much more confident in myself and want to be out in the world, but he said it made him feel a bit redundant.

He basically said that he felt proud of me, for being who I am but also worried that I wouldn't need him any more, and I told him that perhaps he was expressing it in the wrong way because he was making me sad some of the time. I told him I didn't want to leave him because I loved him, but (largely due to him) I now have the confidence to say that I know what is good for me and what isn't, and I don't want him to be in the 'isn't' category.

He also apologised for being an utter twat about the holiday - especially the bit where we went to see my family. He admitted being intimidated by a different 'type' of people to who he normally socialises with and it made him turn in to a wanker (my words.)

I had something else to report back on as well, but I can't remember what it was now!

My new job starts on Monday, and I am so very excited and also terrified for it. DP has been very supportive about it and has been 'helping' me prepare but I suppose this will be the big turning point. If he is going to continue to struggle with me becoming a 'grown up' then I don't want him clipping my wings, so to speak. I will have to leave him, which will be a shame, but I'm crossing my fingers that it won't come to that. If it does, though, at least I will finally be in a stable position financially and will do so knowing that we gave it every chance possible!

Good luck with the new job! Be prepared for lots of jealousy when you start though, and don't let him stop you socialising with your new colleagues!

I massively matured in my first three years of teaching, you learn a lot about yourself and are around wiser and more experienced people who you will learn from. He may not like this, but you can't hide it or try to shy away from it.

Best of luck and do update! Oh- and stock pile biros! You'll need them!

I was going to start a new thread but then decided just use this one

I'm as ready as I'll ever be for tomorrow and the nerves are about to hit me! I have -

Done all but two and a half mid term plans - I thought I would have to hand them in for marking or something tomorrow, but no one else seems to think this will be the case!
Done my CRB forms, bank forms and P45 thing.
Organised activities for Tuesday and have back ups for the rest of the week should I need them after receiving my time table and assessment thingumys
Cut my hair
Painted my nails (clear)
forgotten to bleach my moustache

I will -
Go and chop my banana ready for breakfast (am using new job to kickstart healthy eating)
Go and do lunch for tomorrow
Plan at least one outfit and get it ready so I don't freak out tomorrow

I'm going to watch something nice on the TV once I have printed my mtps, with a bowl of frozen yoghurt and some nuts and raisins.

DP is being fine, he has set up my new printer for me and made a really yummy lemon and olive lamb tagine. I aim to be in bed by about 10.30.

Ohhhhh I'm so excited/sick with nerves! Wish me luck!

Good luck TwllBach-l have fingers and eyes crossed for you for tomorrow--l am sure you will knock em dead...

Hope DP continues to behave

Nice to see a happy ending! Well it's not an ending exactly, but you know what I mean .