Success, standards and still holding out for Johnny Depp...dating thread 18

[ChaoticismyLife]

Forget the olympics...we're aiming for dating gold.

Only the best is good enough.

As you were....:)

And Yeah, I'm excited to introduce them both. Its been 3 months almost, so.....
Practically I don't want to keep getting babysitters, Its not fair on anyone. Also, he's not getting the full me as it were, because I am also a mother, and enjoy family time etc... We have talked about dd a lot, how I parent, what my values are, how dd is. She knows About him. We are all going to go to the zoo, I figure It's neutral teritory, there's something immediately in common and to talk about, and It's not forced because of lots of distractions being about. But if anyone has any other advice??

Sponge - you may not remember but I was stayfornoone on the dating thread right from the very first one and I agree with Lubey, over the last ten months or so you have really seemed to get progressively more down on yourself

You have so so much to offer, you are beautiful, strong, come across as smart and fun. Never mind a good job and your own home.

I really believe that a fair amount of blokes on Internet dating sites are just plain dysfunctional and trying to second guess why they do things is like trying to be a trained psychologist.

You really need to try and keep faith in yourself. You are being proactive, putting yourself out there, making the effort. It really really isn't you. But all this Internet dating seems to be knocking your confidence so much, maybe it would be better to just leave it for six months and have some fun for a while, book a night or two away if you can afford it, do things that give you pleasure and lift your spirits. If you have been single for a while it really wouldn't hurt to give yourself say six months to focus on you and stop letting some idiots run you down. You deserve it!

Watch - bring in an LDR my situation was a a bit different so S met my four early on, about a month in. Initially due to recent separation we went for the 'friends angle' as in no smooching etc in front of the kids until they were comfortable with him being around.

When S is in their company he is just himself, doesn't overdo or under do it. After a few meetings I asked my older two what they would think if S and I were to be boyfriend and girlfriend. They were fine about it.

I think just keep it light and natural and all will be fine.

Thats what I though, go with the friends angle, no full on kissing... Etc. Can't see how bad it can go doing it that way.

Sponge, do agree with lubey and stay....
But I know you like to feel like you are doing something, as doing nothing makes it feel worse. Hence the rl man plan or something. We could do that?

to be honest I am on the verge of deleting my profiles, my heart really isnt in it now. I dont think my friends were trying to be hurtful, it mystifies them why I am single and they want to try and figure out why. im just v sensitive at the moment. The constant rejection has been terrible for my confidence. I tell myself that it's them and not me, and that most men online are crap, but every time someone else meets a decent one, happy though I am for them I inevitably think why not me? and can it really be that I'm doing everything right? :(

taking 6 months off from it all scares me if im honest. much as i hate the whole online dating thing, and know i need a break i dont want to still be single in 6 months time, i dont know if I can bear another 6 months of no affection and no sex. just thinking about that makes me cry. watch I think the RL challenge might be a good compromise for me, it will give me something to do and keep my mind occupied :)

thank you all so much for putting up with me being so constantly pathetic. I never used to be like this. I hardly ever used to cry, now I seem to be in tears most of the time. I don't feel like myself any more :(

I think he finds it unusual perhaps due to the type of women he knows.

Or... women with our type of interests end up internet dating. :o

DS has met Mr VN, otherwise it would have been difficult to meet in transit to our holiday. But just as friends. And I think that's a nice approach anyway, to lessen the pressure.
I don't think it registered with DS. And it was useful to assess how they interacted. It would be a dealbreaker, of course.

Finally, Sponge, why don't you go on the dates, not considering them dates, but rather company for some time out? Go and do something you enjoy and that you don't often do on your own or with friends, for example.
Then, if they want to see you again (and you want too), it's a bonus. Otherwise, it was time well spent anyway.

Or like talking with someone on a train or a plane. You never expect to see them again, but you have a nice time and an interesting conversation (hopefully). And if you happen to swap numbers at the end, all the better.

Sponge, It's understandable. If I'm honest, I was starting to feel that way. Mrl was going to be my last date then I was going to Take a break, because, like you say, even if you know it's not you, you still wobble on that because you cant work out why it hasn't happened.and you are so fed up of being constantly alone, not for months, but for years. I.know, I'm sure we all feel that way sometimes.

I think the title of the new thread should be : ' the real life man challenge- dating thread 18' and on a Monday we/ anyone could set a small challenge, just ways of coming into more contact with men, or being approachable day to day, or whatever.. And people can do it if they want, and report back.

Also, think to how many of us have met decent ones, the answer is not many. Not many at all. 17 threads, 100's of dates between us, and how many actual relationships? Handful. Maybe. That has to say something, surely.

TBH, and regardless, we have to be happy with ourselves and not "need" a man to make us happy.
Our aim in life can't be to be with a man or in a relationship.

It's nice to have someone, but I think it's dangerous to make it a goal in life.

And TBH, I think men can sense when we are "desperate".

You have to find your inner happiness.

For example, I took self defence out of need, but I got excited about it. It's a current challenge and it makes me happy to get better at it, when I can teach new people some things, for example. And it's also good socially, as I got to know some new and interesting people from all walks of life.
I have also (re)started growing veg, for example.
At some point, it's easy to get stuck in that rut of finding a man and forgetting about yourself.

I think that's very easy to say, and of course It's absolutely true. I dont think anyone here ' needs' a man and everyone has quite full on, filled lives.
It's just, if you have been single for years, not months, but years and years, you do miss the intimacy that a relationship brings, that closeness, trusting, feeling like you matter to someone.
There is no replacement for it, not friends, not family, not activities. There just isn't.
I was telling my sister about how mrl was with me on the tube and burst into tears. Because It's been so, so, so long that ive mattered or someone has even thought of me in that way.
And It's that I.expect that some of us want. Or indeed need, its human nature after all.

I know what you mean, Watch, and although I only split from ex over a year ago, there was hardly any intimacy in the last few years. Just some occasional, increasingly worse sex.

Maybe it's personality. I like being on my own and doing things in my own. As well as with other people, of course. I was virtually single until I met ex in my twenties and was not depressed about it.

Sponge, don't be scared by the thought of 6 months off.

Look at it this way, the old saying 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got' ... applies here. Granted it's a little more complex than that, but that's what this kind of situation comes down to. A repetitive, destructive cycle. So it's time to do something different, namely a total break, some reflection, and some emotional recovery.

You say you don't want to still be single in 6 months time, but I think with the way you feel at the moment, and the kind of men that will pick up on that and possibly prey on you because of it, even if you did find a relationship in the next month or two, or five, or six, it's unlikely to be a healthy one, and will just cause you even more fretting and despair. Going by how happy you were to accept this guy with red flags literally all over him and flowing from every word he said, and how comfortable you were with him despite that, is very worrying and tells me your twat radar and inner confidence really needs some serious work.

I can't express the virtues enough, of looking after yourself and getting your head right, and recovering from being in the dating game like this so long, with the same things happening a lot.

It is so horrible and confidence, and soul destroying. That needs recovery, otherwise you just get deeper and deeper in the mire.

Sponge warm hug. :)

I was reading on another thread about internet dating, and I hope i don't mind if chandon from the other thread, who I dont think frequents this thread is quoted, this post just made so much sense to me.

I've got a few friends who've been going through similar experiences with dating sites and have now (wisely I think) concluded that it's not for them.

I think the whole concept is flawed and the sense of rejection it creates can be very damaging especially for people who are dating because their previous relationship ended against their wishes. It compounds low self-esteem and it can be very hurtful to keep being rejected, however much people accept that it's better to know early on rather than waste people's time.

The reason I think the concept is flawed is because it treats romantic and sexual relationships as 'different' to other relationships or friendships, where we aren't so reliant on a first impression. In work relationships and friendships, the rapport develops at a natural pace and we don't feel compelled to make an instant judgement about whether to pursue a friendship or not. We take our time, don't rely on a first impression and critically, we don't necessarily tell people that we don't think we're compatible.

My friends have also found that there are loads of men on sites who are dishonest about their personal circumstances (I think the man in the OP hasn't been truthful, for example) and that some men treat internet dating as an extension of their porn experience. My bemused friends have received more cock photos than they could ever need or want and in the early days of dating, more requests for pornified sex (including violence) than they were ever expecting. One friend is so bruised by the internet dating experience that she has entered therapy.

I agree whole heartedly with this. I am taking a break, without a kind of time limit on it. I've been doing it on and off for three years, have met perfectly acceptable men who I didnt spark with, liars, idiots and whatever the male equivilant of a bunny-boiler is. I am fed up with so-called-friends or bare aquaintances making snap-judgements about my personality, behaviour and levels of attractiveness because I am still single.

I am sick to the back teeth of the very occasional person who has been sucessful in internet dating being all-fucking-smug and thinking that i'm doing something 'wrong' (and high-five to those of us here who have been successful after trawling through a bunch of rubbish men and who have kept their standards high) I am fed up of men with no teeth or terrible breath or severe personality defects thinking they deserve a woman substantially younger, thinner and substantially more attractive than them, who will indulge their porn fantasies on a first date. I choose to not engage with this, I will not continue to raise my hopes only to have them fucked over. it takes too much energy, I'm going to the gym, eating handfuls of bromide and reading a good book instead.

It sucks, i'm done with it. [sofa] [knits]

ah, yes, but think maybe sponge, or i, or any of us, maybe also didnt have any intimacy for years and years prior to being single too. THEN add maybe 4 - 5 years of being single, with not even getting a hug, on top of that. And its actually very, very hard.
Humans are programmed to mate, its inate, to try to convince yourself otherwise is actually very very difficult.

Again with the doing stuff on our own. We all do it, days out, holidays, family things, events, cinema etc....etc... all the stuff people do. I dont think any of us have let it stop us in any way shape of form, and some of us have done more since being single than when with someone, so its really not that.

Also - being single in your early 20's when lots of people are single, is again a totally different kettle of fish to suddenly finding yourself single, with children in a society that is set up for couples ( at that point in their lives) Though more and more single parents are common, it does still ( depending on area) tend to stand you apart from everyone else. That it its self is tiring.

I like being on my own, my ex husband was forces, so i practcally lived on my own for our entire marriage, which was my whole adult life ( so far) im very sociable, but hugely protective of my own space ( once dumping a FWB for bringing an overnight bag....)

I think its over simplifing it to say people need to be ok with being on their own, and to be happy on their own, and like their is some kind of personality they need to pick up, or club they would need to join that would fix it. Its inate, humans want closeness, they are lonely on their own....else, really, why would online dating be so huge?

< CLAPS SNAPE>

fuck me, i have a bit of a lump in my throat.

YES. That.

Fucking hurrah to that. And to you, you lovely lady. And to sponge, and all you lovely women on here.

Fuck them.

I hope i don't mind if chandon...

Clearly, i don't mind if I post it - I obviously hope Chandon doesnt mind if I quote her fully from another thread... and here's the thread if anyone is interested.

:)

if i hadnt met mrl i would be joining you. 100%.
Ive sent a pm to sponge, i felt how she does, pretty much. Mrl was going to be my last date for a while, i couldnt facee doing it again, like you say snape, the engery involved, the dickheads, the snap judgements, all of it, all of it is fucking shit. it really is.

Great post snape, reminds me of what I was saying one time about why I don't do sex on first dates - because they are missing that rapport that's built up, and the stages of flirting tc with someone you've known in RL or met at work, or in a regular social group, etc etc. Also totally identify with the stuff about self esteem.

Watch, I agree with you about the intimacy, and craving it, and it being only human.

I should add at this point that during my stage of having nothing to do with dating I did have not one but two FWB's. I can't live without sex for very long, just can't do it. Part of sex for me is always a bit of a build up and some cuddles etc after - I never had anyone just come over and shag me and leave. It would be a dinner, then conversation, then sex, and stay all night kind of thing. But with absolutely no emotional attachment. A bit of affection maybe and 'like' but no attachment. Both were people I had known for years and had a FWB thing with in the past, but were originally met on dating sites years ago.

I didn't see either FWB very often, probably every 6 weeks ish. but I couldn't have gone completely without sex all that time. It was about seven or eight months like that.

However, even though I had that arrangement, my whole outlook and everything changed. For the first time ever i wasn't bothered about trying to have a relationship, it just felt so different, post epiphany. And it felt good, and my confidence increased massively the longer i spent away from sites, and did things just for me, and went out and had fun just for me, not even looking at any men.

But anyway yes watch I agree about the intimacy thing, but I think maybe it's better to have some kind of back up regular FWB rather than seeking and hoping for it from the dating process.

Lubey 'I can't express the virtues enough, of looking after yourself and getting your head right, and recovering from being in the dating game like this so long, with the same things happening a lot.' very neatly puts what I am trying to say. :)

In other news (...)PMs fb dating query got some very curious responses including one from a (married) woman who clearly has no idea of the HELL that is internet dating who responded that I had obviously 'been there and worn the tshirt' and wondered whether I therefore included myself in the 'liars, cheats, questionable personal hygiene category'. Given that I am feeling rather fragile myself with relation to fucking PM continuing to online date I responded somewhat snittily and have left it. She doesnt understand that she has been insulted and liked the comment. further proof the internet is full of idiots. :)

He continues to be spectacularly dense, even to the point of sitting in the jacuzzi last night and mentioning that there are hot women on 'linked in' and is it acceptable to chat them up via a professional networking site [horror!]

no. no it isnt. [wail]

lubey - you were so lucky with your FWB, i spent about 6 months just looking of one of those, never got anywhere with that either, which is baffling as you would think men would like the idea, and its not like im hideous!
Think sponge has said as much too.
A fwb cushions the blow somewhat i feel, If you are getting some needs met its a lot easier i should think.
To go for so long without even a hug, or a kiss, or a small touch of affection is very hard.

Snape - typical. People who havent internet dated always think they know. They have NO clue. Bless PM and his crapness :) i take it hes finding the whole thing awful too then.

oh people think it's all so simple, until they've done it. This woman went on to insist that it works for the vast majority of people who do it, like it's a cosmic ordering shopping list & you just sign in for a week or two and then set your wedding date.

yes, he's having a dreadful time I'm hiding my delight well, but as everything is an act with regard to how I feel about him, then thats nothing new.

did you see that article in the mail ( dont shoot me) about the crazy woman that had planned and paid for her wedding next april or something... but shes not met anyone yet. said it was in her stars or some such tosh.:)

getting a date is easy - they are right about that. Getting a date with somone who isnt a wankbadger, and has teeth and no ginger mullets, and can actually talk and behave like a normal human being is another thing altogether. Then, on top of having to get that all right, you also both need to be attracted to each other.... madness, and not likely ( again, if dating sites worked, would there be that many of them.....!)

glad hes having a dreadful time :) Nice to know that women are as bad... but, has he been stood up at the last min, or had to try and hide from a woman with a hunchback ( did i mention that date?!?!?)

ha, no he doesnt get as far as even arranging dates. :) :) :) :) :)

as no one will reply to him! :) :) :) :) :) :)

hahahahahaha.
:)

wonderful.

not cruel, its understandable.

but it is just nuts isnt it. its so hard to even get to the stage where you get a date, then almost impossible after.

tbh it does seem to be the same, equally crap experience for both men and women, which does make you wonder why more second dates dont occur.

well, me and him are both a bit picky, so our fields are substantially less wide than some others.. by way of illustration -

men in London aged 35 - 50 = x
of that number = men i can tolerate = substantially reduced proportion = lets call it 10%
of that number = men who are taller than me = 40%
of that number = men who don't have a problem with other peoples children = 25%
of that number = men who find extensive tattoos attractive, or at least dont notice them anymore or arent actually repulsed = 5%
of that number = men who are smarter than me (or almost as smart...)= 1%
of that number = men who would see me only as a friend and actually think I will be interested in their online dating techniques. 100%

:)