Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Age gaps

127 replies

linny69 · 18/07/2012 22:16

Do you think a 30 year old going out with a 47 year old is too much of an age gap and old enough to be my Father and not likely to work? I have lots in common with this man, makes me laugh and we get on very well. Only been seeing eachother 2 months but feel at ease in each others company.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 18/07/2012 22:36

For me it has worked well.
But... When you are 40, he will be near retirement. He has energy now, but he will start to age and get tired more easily. You'll def notice the difference as he gets older.
19 between my dh and me. It's good bit sometimes j wish he was a much younger man. However, I get none of the shit one might expect from somebody who is a man child.. though I guess you can find them ay any age!
If its the one, it'll ne fine. But there are issues. As with ANY relationship.

creativepebble · 18/07/2012 22:39

My sister's dh is just over 10 years older and it works very well, always has. It's right for them.
I guess of you are a 30 year old with an older outlook and he is a 47 year old with a younger outlook it could work. (Always remember Rod Stewart...!)

Make sure you know all about his previous relationships and how long his longest one was for (regardless of age I'd say) and why they ended. This tells you lots. And listen to your friends and the people who know you best.

One thing to bear in mind, and it may seem a little harsh, is that you could well end up 'caring' for him as he will inevitably age 17 years inadvance of you, iyswim.

Two months is still very early days. You only live once though so enjoy every day like it may be your last.
Good luck.

linny69 · 18/07/2012 22:39

Do you ever get comments like your partner is old enough to be your Father?

OP posts:
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 18/07/2012 22:42

NO, and if I did I'd be tempted to say 'did you know you're behaving like a rude cunt?'
FFS who said that to you? That says so much more about them than they realize! Their hang ups.... Their problem!

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 18/07/2012 22:43

O god. Unless it was your parents. In which case like, don't say it!

BigBandwitch · 18/07/2012 22:43

I think ten years is about the max. any more is going to be creepy or problematic.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 18/07/2012 22:46

Oh bigbw come off it. Creepy?:.... Like I say, your hang ups. Nothing creepy about my marriage, thanks...
That's just rude. And,.may I add, insensitive as fuck..

hidingbeneathanamechange · 18/07/2012 22:46

He's post mid-life crisis.... or perhaps you are his mid-life crisis Grin. I'd say better 47 than 37 any day.

linny69 · 18/07/2012 22:47

One of my supposedly 'friends' said he was old he enough to be my Father.

I don't need a Father figure as already have a good Dad LOL.

I have always been drawn to older guys as have been messed around a lot by guys my age or younger and i just feel i have more in common with older guys.

He is still technically married but separated. However he has been separated for 13 years but has no feelings for his ex and never wants to get back with her. Only reason they didn't get divorced was they departed on good terms and saw no need to get a divorce.

OP posts:
Zakinthos · 18/07/2012 22:47

My dad was 15 years older than my mum. They had a happy marriage and he lived to 100. My mum is still alive at 91. It worked well for them!!

TeaDr1nker · 18/07/2012 22:49

There is 17 yrs between me and DP, we have 2 DC, as others say u know when it is right (I knew within a month of meeting him). I do worry sometimes about being a carer etc, but then I think life is to short. I was married to a man-child, what a mistake that was!!! DP treats me well/looks after us/is amazing father etc. So I would say go with ur gut instinct.

linny69 · 18/07/2012 22:52

Instinct tells me it feels right so am going with that TeaDr1nker. And bollocks to anyone who is judgemental lol

OP posts:
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 18/07/2012 22:58

linny and tea we were engaged within three months. If its right, you know!
I felt that he knew how to treat me properly and had no hang ups to work out on me.
It's good. Good luck and yes, sod others' hang ups...!

jumpy2012 · 18/07/2012 23:03

My ex was 10 years older than me. He's not my ex because he's ten years older than me, he's my ex because he's a twat.

Having said that, he is 54 and looks like an OAP. I am 44 and look about 35 :) People think he is the DC's grandad and tell me I can't be old enough to have a 14yo or I must have had DC very young.

gaelicsheep · 18/07/2012 23:17

Big age gap here. 13 years married and counting. I do think people might think it's a bit weird as I look young for my age, and some people are now assuming he's the dc's grandad which he finds difficult. But you can't choose these things, sometimes they just happen.

olgaga · 18/07/2012 23:21

My dad was 10 years older than my mum and it was pretty awful.

When she was in her forties he was an old man in comparison. Some men do age quite dramatically when they get to their 50s - unless they (and you) are very lucky. Whereas you'll be in your prime.

More than 10 years, all I can say is I hope he's got plenty of money behind him and has a good pension!

Just saying ...

Offred · 18/07/2012 23:28

I could never be with someone old enough to be my father, I'd be worried it was a dad/daughter complex. I find it hard to understand what I could have in common with someone 17 years older and I'd be concerned about the balance of equality within the relationship. My DH is 7 years older, I would draw the line at around 10 years. That's my personal feeling though and my choice for my life. No-one can tell you how you feel. If your relationship works right now why end it in case it stops working. Just cross that bridge if you come to it.

BigBandwitch · 18/07/2012 23:40

at lostmyidentityalongtheway, you say this "Oh bigbw come off it. Creepy?:.... Like I say, your hang ups. Nothing creepy about my marriage, thanks...
That's just rude. And,.may I add, insensitive as fuck.." in response to my post!!!! as though I'm not entitled to an opinion or something?? I am entitled to an opinion. Your reaction is defensive and excessive. I stand by what I said. A whole generation is too much of an age gap and if that's what floats your boat, grand, but you can't get angry with other people for feeling the way they feel when you're demanding that people respect how YOU feel, blah blah blah.

ladyWordy · 19/07/2012 01:32

linny69, I think you are pretty clear in your mind what you want to do. So the following words are not necessarily for you, but for anyone thinking about an age gap relationship.

What I want to say is - You know those stupid, immature guys your own age that you can't go out with? Well, sometimes all they do is age 20 years. And become old, stupid immature guys! So girls, make sure your BS detector is out, and fully operational.

If you are enjoying each others company in a loving, equal way, that's a good sign. Keep going!

That's it really. Have fun OP :)

BonkeyMollocks · 19/07/2012 01:34

23 years between me and dh . he's older.

We have been together nearly 9 years and are very happy.

Its just s number !

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 19/07/2012 01:44

I don't think the age gap per se is a problem. The only thing I would say is do you have children, and if not, do you want any? If you do, would you want more?

Obviously, guys can have kids into their nineties but there is a difference between being biologically capable of fathering a child and wanting to parent a baby/toddler when you get to (say) 50.

Plus what wordy said. "You're only young once, but you can be immature forever" Grin

theoldtrout01876 · 19/07/2012 01:51

My dad was 21 years older than my mum.He died 2 months before their golden wedding. His main concern in life was her and her main concern was him. They adored each other till the day he died. He was the best dad to me and my brothers,all his wild had been used up before he wed my mum so he concentrated on her and us. To me there is NO problem with a big age gap

sadwidow28 · 19/07/2012 02:20

My DH was 18 years older than me - we met when I was early 20s and he was separated in his early 40s.

I remember him buying a coat for me for a Christmas present and, when I tried it on, the lady in the shop said, "See what your Dad thinks".

We had the most fabulous marriage. He helped me to grow my wings and then taught me how to fly. We brought up his youngest daughter together when her mother didn't want her any more (she came for her usual holiday visit and we got a phone call to tell us we should not tke her back.)

I admit that I cried at that point - I didn't think that I could be a full-time Mum to a DSD 14yo when I was only 28yo myself.

Sadly, I lost DH to cancer 11 years ago. It is heart-rendering to lose the love of your life - but devastating to be a young widow who lives the rest of her life alone.

I wouldn't change anything. The pain now is part of the happiness yesterday. If I hadn't have had that special love, I wouldn't hurt so much today.

designerbaby · 19/07/2012 02:49

My dad was 32 years older than my mum. They met when she was 22 and he was 54. It was love at first sight, an they moved in together after just 2 weeks of knowing each other.

Caused some ructions as Mum was younger than Dad's daughter (by a good few years) and my half-sister accused her of being a 'gold digger'. Until Mum rightly pointed out that Dad didn't HAVE any money.

Plus Dad was a respected pillar of the community, ex-military, terribly proper, quite posh. Basically the last person you'd expect to hook up with a mini-skirted 22 year old hippy, and shack up "in sin" after a fortnight.

But they were completely and utterly in love. I came along when Dad was 60, and when he retired at 64 he was my main carer. He was simply the best Dad in the world, and I adored him.

He was very sporty and physically fit. A gymnast in his younger years. Didn't look his age, even in his 60s, and was still playing badminton in his 70s.

The last few years were very tough for my mum, though, as he went downhill pretty fast in his 80s, and became almost completely deaf-blind. So Mum was his carer as much as his wife. But they laughed every day, and were as much in love as they were in their prime.

He died of pancreatic cancer in 2005 aged 89. Mum was devastated. I still miss him massively. Every day. He was the best of men. Patient, kind, generous. A calm, stalwart presence in all our lives.

So not always easy. But I know mum wouldn't change a second of it. And I'd never have wanted a different dad.

My only regret is that I left it too late to find a decent man to marry, so my Dad didn't get to walk me down the aisle or meet our DDs. Both of those things would have made him so happy. That does get me choked, to this day. 'd have loved our DDs to have know their lovely, lovely granddad.

So, stuff em. If he's the one for you then it really makes no odds what anyone thinks. They said my parents would never last, that it was a folly. But they were happily married nearly 35 years, a length of time many more conventional couples never manage.

db
xx

Oh, and BigBandWidth, you were massively rude and insensitive, FWIW. You are entitled to your opinion, but you are also beholden to take account of the feelings of others when choosing how - and if - to express it. That's called being a grown-up. There are people on here who have lost people they love, who most likely don't appreciate their relationship being described as 'creepy'. Shame on you.

catinboots · 19/07/2012 03:52

DH is nearly 13 years older than me. It works perfectly for us.

When I 'got' him he was already a grown-up, unlike others before him. He had a good career, his own house/money etc. and he was already house-trained. Smile

Plus, the added bonus - he makes me look really young Grin