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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Age gaps

127 replies

linny69 · 18/07/2012 22:16

Do you think a 30 year old going out with a 47 year old is too much of an age gap and old enough to be my Father and not likely to work? I have lots in common with this man, makes me laugh and we get on very well. Only been seeing eachother 2 months but feel at ease in each others company.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
IawnCont · 19/07/2012 13:58

It's quite amusing how you think we're insulting you because we're disagreeing with your opinion. And as for "Maybe yall should just live with it"- well, yes, quite.
I have to say that I'm not particularly offended by your opinion, because I tend to believe that people who have a blanket rule that a certain kind of loving, caring relationship is creepy have quite low intelligence. Nothing is absolute.
Do you find older women with younger men creepy, too?
TBH I can see why someone upthread questioned if you were homophobic, though I accept you are not. In that case, as this one, you judge a loving, consensual relationship because of one aspect- an aspect that people are born with, and cannot be changed.

Proudnscary · 19/07/2012 14:00

Phewee - someone on this thread has ish--oos

If ever there was a subject matter to apply 'each to their own' to, it's this. I can't imagine why anyone rational would mind or care about age gaps?

Some really lovely heart warming stories on here Smile

PeppermintPasty · 19/07/2012 14:01

But you said you find these relationships "disturbing" BBW. You then go on to say that you have no more hangups "than any of the rest of you".

You clearly do-about this issue. There is no problem with having a different opinion, but be prepared to back it up instead of making vague statements about it being "disturbing". Clearly, you are in the minority here, what you say doesn't seem to be logical to me.

As for the older man always going for a younger woman thing, that's a generalisation that, at least in my father's case doesn't stand up to further scrutiny. Funnily enough, his first wife was 8 years older than him, she messed around on him, left him with their two children in England and went back to Ireland and took up with someone else etc etc. They did remain on good terms over the years.

Perhaps you would say this proves your point-perhaps he went out with my mum just because she was young or whatever, after his experiences.

What I think his case highlights is the human element of all this. Your stereotype of the seedy older man and vulnerable younger woman (my take on what you said) just doesn't stack up. You are missing the human experience, the individuality, of all these relationships. My mum and dad met and fell in love, it really is that boring.

perplexedpirate · 19/07/2012 14:07

bigbandwitch there are no stupid questions, but don't let that put you off giving lots of stupid answers. Grin

Care to share these 'complex reasons' that you disagree with age gap relationships? Or do you prefer just chucking the insults about?

BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 14:11

Pepper, I will answer your question because you've posted without calling me narrow-minded or an armchair puppet or being homophobic!! Confused. Anyway, the answer is that I would find a relationship where the man is 20+ years younger equally as odd, but no MORE disturbing.

I don't think I'd be alone there. So the difference is that my reaction is not biased, I am not sexist in my gut reaction to age gap relationships regardless of who is the older one. Most people have no reaction if the man is older. But recoil in horror if the woman is older.

It all contributes to women's values being tied up in their youth, but men's is not. So unlike a lot of people I am not biased there. I find age gap relationships equally as odd whether the man or the woman is the one who is 20+ years older.

Good luck to all of you going out with older men. Seriously, I am not sitting here casting spells on you all. I hope you are all very happy with your much, much older men! I just really, really wouldn't want that for myself.

BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 14:13

perplexedpirate, read the thread back and see which way the insults were aimed!

IawnCont · 19/07/2012 14:14

But why are they odd? Just because it's not your thing?

IawnCont · 19/07/2012 14:17

"see which way the insults were aimed!"

So hang on.
"My husband is twenty years older than me"
"I find age gaps creepy and disturbing"

That isn't insulting??

PeppermintPasty · 19/07/2012 14:18

I'm afraid I'm none the wiser.

BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 14:22

I can think of about five reasons off the top of my head but if I listed them out you'd all just start taking it really really personally. Thinking it was a criticism of your own marriage and then flinging insults back at me! I'd hate to think how low you'd all go. What can you call me that you haven't already said, oh, hell, let me give you the carte blance to tear into me, you'll all enjoy it you supercilious bunch!!! Smile. When I call you supercilious and haughty I mean it affectionately alright. ok i can hear it now, how very dare you, my husband has the body of a man twenty years younger than him, my husband and I have plenty in common even though he'd finished school before I was born, he can keep going all night, he has no children my age, or if he does and they're upset, then that's their problem for being so selfish and not accepting our true love, no he will not die before me, no i will not end up caring for him, my friends DO get on with him just as well as they get on with people their own age, my brothers do not laugh at his trousers!, my parents were NOT upset when i married a man of their generation, blah blah blah blah blah, so what'd be the POINT!!!!!????

May you all be very happy with your older men. Seriously!! I wish you nothing but contentment! Even though I feel the antipathy coming back at me, I'm dodging the venom here!

FarelyKnuts · 19/07/2012 14:23

And yet Bigband you stated you would find it equally odd in gay relationships. So how does that fit with your theory on women's values being tied up in their youth?
And how does any of your argument equate to your use if the word creepy?

perplexedpirate · 19/07/2012 14:23

There really is no doubt about which way the insults are aimed. You've used very vicious language to describe some people's relationships.
I actual find your comment that a woman's value is tied up in her youth quite interesting, but than you contradict yourself by saying you'd find it equally creepy if the women were the elder one. Confused
You sound quite bitter actually. Is this something you have negative personal experience of? As I said upthread, my DH is younger than me, so I'm coming from an outside position. Are you?

BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 14:27

Is that what you think? that i'm bitter?!

oh dear. Look over and out on this subject and for about the third time now I'm going to wish you all well.

IawnCont · 19/07/2012 14:29

Everything you've listed are your own issues, bandwitch. I hope you find a way to get them sorted soon. :)

PeppermintPasty · 19/07/2012 14:30

Oh good point Pirate. I forgot that my DP is 13 years younger than me Grin for a minute. DOH.

I think you do have a few issues BBW. And that is meant affectionately of course.

perplexedpirate · 19/07/2012 14:33

So you insult people, and then won't tell them why cos they'll get cross.

You,bigbandwitch, are freaking priceless!

GrinGrin

BigBandwitch · 19/07/2012 14:35

@ farley, equally odd because of power balances, disparity in life experiences, reaching goals at different times, agendas that are matched to age being mismatched.... that sort of thing. I don't think it's that hard to fathom really. And that's as well as all the other stuff I mentioned in the last post!

I have some experience of age gap relationship yes.

@ perplexed, nope, my conscience is clear, I've done nothing but state how I feel about general age gaps relationships. the insults back at me have been aimed specifically at me, so fire away, but there aint no moral highground in abusing me!

likeatonneofbricks · 19/07/2012 14:39

BBW, there are good r-ships and bad r-ships, good people and there aer creeps - that's it, simple, nothing to do with age or any other physical characteristic!
Nobody is saying that some older men aren't after one thing, or some younger women gold diggers or insecure - but you can't GENERALISE, same as same-age relationships can be creepy for other reasons.

IawnCont · 19/07/2012 14:40

I think that the experience you have is clouding your common sense. I have bad experiences of same age relationships-that doesn't mean they're wrong.
If you think there's something up with the power balances because of age, again, that's something that could, and does happen, in any relationship.

And please don't throw the term abuse around. You haven't been abused. That, I do find offensive.

perplexedpirate · 19/07/2012 14:43

Ah haaaaaa!

Ve appear to be approaching ze crux of BBW's ishoos...

likeatonneofbricks · 19/07/2012 14:45

of course there are issue with age gap relationships, mainly energy levels and one partner likely to die much sooner, also yes, socially it may not be ideal but both partners can have their own friends - all this doesn't warrant the word CREEPY.

janelikesjam · 19/07/2012 15:08

I really think it depends. If you are feeling confident and happy, then all is well and good.

If you are hearing a little voice inside that doesn't feel its quite right, listen. I went out with someone 10 years older and it felt awful, he was obsessed about growing old and it felt weird generally. Though I tried to pretend otherwise, that little voice inside was right ...

WingDefence · 19/07/2012 15:58

Jane you're right in what you say - OP it's up to you to know how this man makes you feel :) It doesn't matter whether he is much older, much younger, black, white, spotty, whatever. If he is a good man and you are bth happy in the relationship, that's all that any of us can ask for!

(And one last point. If this were a discussion about, say, mixed race or same- sex relationships and someone started saying "it's only my opinion but TBH I find it creepy and the women must have low self-esteem problems" what would we all be saying then...? I reckon we'd be reporting Witch for racism or homophobia. But because it's age, that's alright then.)

perplexedpirate · 19/07/2012 16:04

Sorry, wing, but loads of posters have challenged BBW's attitude, myself included.

WingDefence · 19/07/2012 16:49

I have as well upthread Perplexed - I guess my point was more aimed to BBW herself (in case she rejoined the discussion). It was to hopefully make her see that her comments are as offensive as if she had been talking about a same-sex or mixed race relationship.

I'm not sure it would work though - shed probably just say that they are nothing alike :(