Age gaps

[linny69]

Do you think a 30 year old going out with a 47 year old is too much of an age gap and old enough to be my Father and not likely to work? I have lots in common with this man, makes me laugh and we get on very well. Only been seeing eachother 2 months but feel at ease in each others company.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Yep wing, I see what you mean. I think we're debating an empty house.

..and what was that about 'my brother laughing at his trousers' - ROFL!! My 62 year old DH wears jeans from H & M 'cos he's skinny and can get away with it.
And yes my parents find DH's age difficult, but so what, the person they'd have approved of would have bored me to fuck after about five minutes.

I disagree with the age being 'just a number'. That's a trite thing to say and patently not true once you are over 50 (unless you are genetically blessed).

You have to be realistic, there will be things that you miss when there is a large age gap (shared references - ageing differently - possibly different expectations). However, if you are open and communicate well and love each other, these can all be overcome.

But, I get the feeling that it's other people's opinions you are more worried about, OP? If that's the case, fuck 'em.

I think that's a fair point Triffid. About a week before our wedding, I got talking to a cab driver, and he asked (for some reason) about the age of my DH-to-be. When I answered, he said "wow. You must really love him." "Why d'you say that?" "Well he'll probably die a long while before you."

I thought a lot about that. It may well happen. I may be alone for decades after he's gone. I may have to care for him when I'm only in early middle aged. These things aren't ideal.
But I love him dearly, and I've decided to be with him despite all those things. I am genuinely happy in a way I thought I'd never be. He's a brilliant father to our children, and he's kind and supportive towards me. I have married the nicest person I've ever met. If he dies 20 years before me, I will always know that I had a loving happy marriage.

If that is creepy, then we are creepy.

Not read all so bound to repeat what others have said and not nearly so articulately. I know three people in relationships with men a lot older than them.

For us, there is an 18yr age gap between me and DH. He is a young looking 47 and I am 30 this year. He is funny, interesting, good looking, a charmer (mostly) and a great father to our DDs. Sometimes we both wish the age gap wasn't so much but there is nothing to be done about it so why worry. For me clicking personality-wise was more important than anything else (I was actually engaged to someone else when we met and neither me or the ex were as happy together or well matched).

I know it wont be a walk in the park as we both get older, especially after talking to one of my friends whose DH died last year (same age gap) but we are happy and I believe a happy marriage is more important than the ages of those involved.

There were a few eyebrows from my parents initially, but only one friend said I must be nuts, the others have been very supportive and we've been together 7 years now.

OP, It would be silly to write off a relationship just based on age at this stage, give it time. It may work, it may not, but there is nothing wrong with giving it a go.

DH is 12 years older than me . From another country, different religion, different political views.
But he loved me. Not the person others saw. He saw me!
What did I see when I met him? Not his age or the points above. I saw this guy that would not play with my heart. Ever.
So we got married eons ago.

The difference between 30 and 47 is 17 years.

OK yes you know that but to state "... old enough to be my Father ..." is rather stretching things.

Technically, yes. Practically, no.

You have much going for you. Don't worry.

My DH is 23 years older than me. We have been together for 20 years since i was 19 and he was 42.
16 years ago we stopped having sex because he no longer wanted to. ive discussed the issues on these boards before. I was 23 when the lovemaking stopped. Way too young. In those 16 "sexless afectionless" years ive had a one night stand and a 4 and a half year affair. DH has disabiliites as of the past six years so cant now but doesnt even hug me. However he is very practical and when he was in hospital after his heart attack six years ago the nurse told me that he loves me in his own way.
I dont feel guilty for my affair because i dont see why i should. I dont think its right that someone gets to enforce celibacy on their partner and then insists that they remain faithful.
So a few years back DH said to me to "do what i need to do but be discreet about it."

I would love to meet a man older than me. No one my own age hares my taste in music, literature or hobbies.

Waiting for Mr Right...No matter what the age! (Though off dating for quite awhile, need to work on myself.)

Kudos to the women who have married so much older than them. It must be very hard to integrate into his family life, know he'll pass long before you etc. Takes a LOT of strength IMO. I 'want' a older man, unsure I could actually do it.

This age gap thing is all a bit one way for me. You ladies with much older partners might be thinking you've met your soul mate/age is just a number/it's personality that counts. But you can bet your life he's inwardly congratulating himself, if not boasting to his mates about pulling a bird with smooth skin and perky tits. Not really a partnership of equals at all.

When as many men have partners 17 years older as 17 years younger, I'll concede you have a point.

My god, not all men are as shallow as the ones you describe, OneHandFlapping. Yuk, what a hideous generalisation, and how insulting to all those "ladies" who have only now realised that they've been duped!!

So what is your reasoning for why men don't go out with women 17 years older than themselves, Peppermint?

I have no reasoning, as such. My dp is 13 years younger than me, if that helps you. Not 17 years no, but there we are.

I accept that sexism is rife in our society, and if the statistics were available, I daresay we would find more older men/younger women relationships than the other way round, I really don't know for sure though.

And that's the point-neither do you. You are generalising, which is fine up to a point, but tarring all older men with the same brush in the way that you do (inwardly congratulating himself/smooth skin/perky tits etc) is blatantly offensive. I can cite my parents' successful 51 year marriage that only ended with my dad's death as a counter to that. A 19 yr age gap in their case.

We can all bring up anecdotes, and we can all generalise. But I think yours is a generalisation too far and too low. What hope for man(kind) if they are all as you suggest!

Have recently come out of a relationship with a similar age gap to yours, OP. The age thing wasn't the main reason we split but it was a contributing factor for me. I have tended to date people much older than myself; I think it's because of issues relating to my Dad, who I've never met. Am trying to work on said issues.

Ultimately the relationships I've had with people markedly older than me HAVE been affected by the age gap and I have noticed it. Older people are slower, they go at a different pace and have different attitude as they have lived their lives. The children thing is always going to rear its head if you want them and they have already had kids, don't want any, or do want them but may be more tred and less able than a younger parent. There is usually a yawning chasm of difference in terms of taste in music, friends, TV, etc. That can be lonely.

Ideally I'd not want a gap more more than 15 years again, hopefully no more than 5. Some people are worth looking outside your comfort zone for, but everything people say about age gaps has some basis in truth, so you should think about it. Sometimes you need to experience those factors for yourself to fully appreciate how they can impact a relationship.

One of my oldest friends is married to a guy who is 14 years older than her and they have been happily married for 9 years. He is lovely, just the right person for her, they make each other blissfully happy and their age difference is a total irrelevance.

Stuff other people. If you make each other happy, then how is it a problem?

My DH is 19 years older than me. We have a 5 year old. We get on brilliantly and have so much in common. I was worried at first about what people thought. I don't give a shit now.

My bf is 20....I'm 41 :)

I'm 29 and DP is 42. I think we kind of meet in the middle attitude and outlook wise. I do worry about the future but that's a long way off and anything could happen to either of us before then. I'm pregnant with dc2 now and it works for us. I had known him for a while and couldn't believe he was as old as he was when we discussed ages but after the initial shock we don't really think about it. My parents weren't quite sure to start with but now they love him too. He's a lovely, thoughtful man and an amazing dad and that's all that matters to me. I think the only odd thing is that his friends are generally so much older than my friends and they don't really mix that well, but in the 5 years we've been together we've made loads of really good mutual friends. I think some friends found it weird but the ones that have shown themselves to be good friends have been pleased for me that I've found someone who treats me really well and makes me happy.

If you're having a nice time together now then I would say just enjoy it and keep an open mind. I would however second what someone else said further up thread about what his views are on kids and maybe marriage as older men (in my experience) might have had more time to be a bit more concrete about what they want in life.

How exciting to be in a lovely new relationship.

Im 24 dp is 31. He's my Mr Perfect in every way

Been there done that got the tshirt - so to speak... I have two children with an older man.

I am 27, he is 62. We met when I was 18 & him 52, lasted 5yrs. Split when DS was 10mths & DD nearly 2yo. I've been much happier since we split up

I think only you will know what works for you hun

There is 10 years between my DH & me & we are very happy - I would say.

U do need to think about the long run but don't rule it out just yet.

I would be much, much more bothered by the fact that he's married.

And has apparently been separated for 13 years but he and his "ex" never "saw the need" to get divorced.

21 years married to DH he is 13 years older. I am now 44 he is 57 almost 58.
It is only now that the age gap is a pain.
We have 4 DC, but he understandably is thinking of retirement, but there is no way we can afford for him to retire. Our youngest DC is 8, eldest 18.
He earns more than me by some margin.
Yes we should have thought all this through, but at 23 & 36 other things were more important.
My lovely DH is starting to look his age, I by some lucky genes I guess, & the fact I work out every day look reasonably young(ish). DH has given up worrying about his outside appearance ( don't blame him) but for the kids sake as well as mine I try to maintain a youthful attitude.
My DH is getting very forgetful, but doesn't Want to discuss it. He also only ever wants to sit infront of the telly in the evenings. He has gained lots of weight, & it just doesn't bother him.
I love my DH & we are in it for the long hall, but I do wish now he were 10 years younger.

There is a risk, due to rates of ageing varying for different people, of being a young-looking, fit and healthy 40-something who ends up feeling like they are married to an OAP. My ex is 10 years older than me and my 67yo dad has more get up and go than my 54yo ex does.

20 years between DH and I. Lots of talk when we first got together- he was a 37 yr old divorcee, I was a 17yr old waitress.

We were married last month with our 4 children in attendance.

Nothing creepy about that.