After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

What I am struggling with atm is a feeling that I'm making a fuss about nothing. I beleive that it's over although from time to time I get a flare up of fear and anger. But if it is over, if we are both giving our marriage another go, what am I making such a song and dance about, am I just being a drama queen? I know I'm not but the logical part of me that always copes and puts other people first is feeling uncomfortable - like a nasty teacher who tells you off for always putting yourself forward 'what's so important about your feelings?'

Orm - are you reading Not Just Friends? Dr Glass wrote quite a bit about what the betrayed party would be feeling and why.

Its still very early days - you have been betrayed in one of the worst ways possible, your husband is not the man you thought he was and the past year or so isn't what you thought it was and it will take around 2 years and that is if recovery is going well without any setbacks or further discoveries.

You need to feel that you are entitled to your emotions and stop fighting these - you can't help what you feel and these feelings will pass eventually.

He also had some sort of hypnotherapy to assist in his sleeping, as he sleeps about an hour or 2 a night maximum, he gets up and works, he is seriously exhausted.

He is seriously serotonin depleted, OP, and needs to go on a specific anti depressant called Molypaxin, to help him sleep.

Thanks for your last post LOOKSGOOD and the seven facts.Because although I've forgiven DH I will never forget ,and actually I need to remember sometimes what DH did was a massive betrayal and what boundaries I will accept.I'ts kind of you to say I give you hope,and you too DEVASTATED.I hope I don't sound smug and sorted.We are so much better but it's still a work I progress,and maybe always will be.
Even yesterday I had a heavy heart and felt I needed some space from him - but that was probably down too the fact I had a close encounter with OW.Unfortunately to enable my DH to cut contact with her,which I insisted on and he wanted, I now look after clients in the area he covered.I can avoid direct contact with her but she is sometimes in the background.It's been very tough but unavoidable to keep our co- dependant businesses going and not lose income and clients in an already tough market.Tbh that caused a lot of resentment for me also.For not only did his stupid behaviour jeopardise our marriage,but made it very hard to work alongside him initially.All our eggs are in one financial basket so to speak.Particulary galling was the fact that I had started the original business several years ago in response to him being made redundant and failing to get another venture off the ground.That wasn't his fault, and I always appreciated how hard he'd worked and was very supportive.He acknowledges this and always has.
So it felt like a double kick in the teeth when he 'used' the cover of having to be in a certain area at the same time of day for several months to be closer proximity to OW and develop a relationship with her.Although for business purposes direct contact with her was totally irrelevant and unnecessary.
So I don't have to speak to her,although I certainly did initially to tell her what I thought !But just the sight of her can set my teeth on edge!

As Madabout says these the emotions are valid and have to be experienced as part of the long recovery process.
And for a good while, to keep a brave face on and enable myself to function for my family and my business I fought against them.I even felt I wasn't a 'good' person for having such angry ,vengeagful thoughts.It took recent individual counselling to help me deal with months of pent up emotion.
Because my DH is a good man who made stupid choices and then did everything he could to put it right I felt enormous guilt that I felt so upset for so long.But I think I instinctively knew for a long time he still hadn't looked deeply enough into himself to make sure this would never happen again,and that I would never feel truly 'safe' with him until he did.

Sorry about the long rant,but yesterday was a difficult day.I still get them occasionally!Stay strong and hope it's a better day for you all.x

Ps.MADABOUT I've have seen loads of your posts and they are hugely supportive.Can you remind me how far on post discovery you are time wise when you've a minute ?

So sorry you had a particularly tough day, stargazy.

Your posts have been a great help to me - they are rational, positive and practical. I have taken great solace from the advice and views of someone who is a little further down this steep and frightening road.

Anyone would struggle having the shadow of OW in the background.
I think you're doing brilliantly.

One thing is certain, if we do decide to stay for the long haul, our other halves are bloody lucky to have the privilege of continuing a relationship with us, as we have more guts, backbone and moral fibre than any of the OWs - and we kick ass!

x

Star - sorry its been a tough day. You have my admiration for coping so well with OW in the background.

DH's OW is also kind of in the background in that she is friends with some of our acquaintances. I have been very careful in avoiding bumping into her but I know I will one day and I dread that

Ps.MADABOUT I've have seen loads of your posts and they are hugely supportive.Can you remind me how far on post discovery you are time wise when you've a minute?

Its been 14 months since D day. When I look back I can't believe how far we have come but like you, we are still a work in progress. The affair will always be part of us, although the wound is now a well healed scar - we won't forget it, especially the lessons we both have learned from the experience.

hello all. I have also found the seven facts information very very useful. Indeed I copied and pasted some of it and sent to H at work yesterday and he said he was noting it. we talked last night about his flirting and although he can't really see it he will take it on board and has agreed that we will raise this tonight at counselling. I'm still struggling wtih the fact that he doesn't love me but he is being so nice, almost back to how he used to be and I'm 99% sure he does have strong feelings for me. The remorse is finally showing now which I found really hard at first when he didn't seem to have any.

Many times he has said he can't beleive what he has done and really thought that when he realised his mistake (which he finally admitted he did make and realise if that makes sense?) he hoped that I'd never find out and he could almost pretend it had never happen. I think he is capable of compartmenalising (sp?) and has done that for the past 2 1/2 years. I feel a slight relief in that it is all out there now and we can deal with it. Also, the years of lies explains why he was the way he was a lot of the time, distant and withdrawn, possibly deep down through guilt?

I have told him I'm not sure I want to be married to him anymore and I think that was a shock to him. Its early days of course but will take it a day at a time.

Madabout I agree, you are lovely and have posted some lovely comments on this and other threads. You give me hope x

Star - no wonder you had a heavy heart having a close encounter with the OW I've only seen the OW profile pics, really don't know how I'd handle a real life encounter, I worry how I'd react. I'm not a violent person but the rage I've felt inside is still burning slowly. Hopefully that will diminish in time.

Moonery - Damn right we kick ass, well said, I feel like a warrior, we are all warrior princesses haha! oh yes and our dh/dp are real lucky to still have us in their lives!

Also agree that Star, Mad others have given real positive advice and it's awful that you are all here too but it's a great place to come to learn about those positive outcomes.

Star - no wonder you had a heavy heart having a close encounter with the OW I've only seen the OW profile pics, really don't know how I'd handle a real life encounter, I worry how I'd react. I'm not a violent person but the rage I've felt inside is still burning slowly. Hopefully that will diminish in time.

Moonery - Damn right we kick ass, well said, I feel like a warrior, we are all warrior princesses haha! oh yes and our dh/dp are real lucky to still have us in their lives!

Also agree that Star, Mad others have given real positive advice and it's awful that you are all here too but it's a great place to come to learn about those positive outcomes.

Thanks all and having a much better day today.I really shouldn't let the sight of OW get to me,but easier said than done.Especially as she is well known in her locality and holds a responsible position and wanders about as if she's a pillar of the community.The warrior princess in me has certainly thought many times about broadcasting far and wide how she behaved,but I've satisfied myself with containing it to a chosen couple of people who also knew my DH well and were constantly quizzing me why he was no longer around.Mean of me I know but I keep my dignity when I see her now.Unfortunately avoiding her altogether is not an option at the mo without major loss of revenue.Thanks to my DH for putting me in that position!

But on a posititve note yes I'm bloody proud now of how I've coped.And we all should be, and remind ourselves when things seem too much just how amazingly strong we women can be.
I have probably posted way too much info,and used to panic that OW would stumble on these threads ,recognise me and be privy to my innermost thoughts.Now I don't give a damn if she does/ did and for anyone else out there on slippery slope to an affair/ inappropriate behaviour - most of them good and well intentioned people - well if it makes them stop, think and talk to their loved ones first and more then that would be a great result.

Yes MADABOUT it's a healed scar,but it still twinges sometimes!thank you.

oh well, so much for the counselling, the counsellor has just refused to see us anymore. Something to do with me attacking DH during the session. Well FFS, he deserved it

Feel really really sad, I had high hopes that with help and guidance we'd actually make some progress

MOS, sorry to hear that the counselling has not gone well.

No consolation but I think you might be better off without this particular counsellor if she is going to ditch you when you actually need them. Wtf is she/he expecting - people who need counsellors are in deeply stressful situations, of course they are not going to be all calm and reasonable and behave impeccably at all times. Your counsellor sounds like a tit.

Oh FFS some so-called counsellors really annoy me .

This is painful shit that evokes anger like people have never seen before, but a counsellor should be able to deal with it. I'm assuming when you say you attackied him, you meant verbally?

Change counsellors. Not all of them are delicate little flowers who are frightened by the anger that infidelity produces.

FWIW, I know some counsellors who won't go near infidelity, because it terrifies them. I'm glad they won't, too

sternface um, no well and truly twatted him

Here is another one who went postal. If there had been guns in the house, I would have shot him. I am a living walking example of why the American constitutions needs to change!

On a more serious note, I think society needs to get more real about infidelity. I had NO IDEA that it was so traumatic until it happened to me. There is nothing that will hurt me more than this, on so many levels from my, literally, sense of reality to my sense as attractive and desirable. Both my parents died during this turmoil and it barely touched the level of pain and anger. Even the death of a child is God-ordained and can be accepted. Not the selfish self-absorbed choices of someone who didn't have to make them.

abitwobbly that is just how I feel. I went through all this with my first husband and it wasn't nearly as bad as this. I just got on with it, went straight to court, issued my divorce petition and that was that. I didn't feel that pain and devestation that I feel now. Am wondering if that because its revived the old (hidden) feelings from before or that I've lost my parents now and feel so very alone? I actually said to him yesterday the pain I am feeling now is worse than when my mum died 3 years ago.

I have to try to work through this, the anger is eating me up and destroying me. All I have thought about the past two weeks is hurting her (not physically) but by telling her husband and putting her through what DH is going through) And yes, I do accept he is going through it now and of course he deserves to but I am now finally seeing how very devestated he is about what he has done to me. He really didn't think it through

It so helps to be able to 'talk' on here. All RL friends have buggered off with their happy famililies to exotic places.

We are due to be going to Florida a week today and although we've agreed he will come too I have joked about checking if Florida has the death penalty

interesting one. I've just had a phone call from neurology dept at hospital who wanted me to go up for ct scan this afternoon. My gp made an urgent referral last week as I've been having lots of migraines which I think are just stress related and have had very high blood pressure. Gp felt unhappy about them and felt they were not just migraines so referred for urgent ct scan. Certainly didn't expect a call to say come today so just emailed DH to say I was going. Thank god DC1 back from Uni so can look after little ones.

Emailed DH just to let him know and he phoned a few mins later saying he was taking me. He is still in his probation period so really shouldn't be skivving off but went and told his boss he has to go and is finishing work at lunchtime. I told him not to bother as doubt they'll tell me anything today but he was insistent.

Thats quite nice really isn't it or is it just me hoping for signs that he still does care?

Hope all is well when you go to the hospital. They might tell you the results today, so it would be good for you to not be there alone. I think it is good that he wants to go with you and be a support.

"I had NO IDEA that it was so traumatic until it happened to me"

Ditto. And it gets worse as the weeks go by.

Hope all goes well at the hospital MOS.

I don't feel much like a warrior.

Good luck MOS - glad to hear your H is taking you as you do not want to be alone.

Yes, despite having seen my SIL fall apart when her ex left her for OW, I had no idea just how painful and traumatic infidelity is - I feel bad for thinking she was being OTT and over emotional

"I had NO IDEA that it was so traumatic until it happened to me"

Exactly. I've had some pretty shit times in my life but NOTHING has been worse than being betrayed by my husband.

I apologised to a dear friend of mine recently (who sadly went through the same thing 2 years ago) as I said I felt I hadn't been as supportive to her then as I now wished I had been. She said there was nothing to apologise for, as unless you've been there yourself you can't possibly understand the depth of the pain.

I also find it bizarre and hurtful that the one person I wanted to comfort me was the very person who had caused the pain in the first place

Oh dear.All my brave and stoic words lately and this evening I just snapped and had a right go at DH whilst preparing dinner.The tension has been building over the last two days since my close encounter with OW.It brought back all the feelings of anger,vulnerability,stupidity for being so totally trusting and sadness for my forever altered perceptions of my marriage.When he tried to hug and comfort me I just pushed him away and told him to give me some space.He has now gone out for an evening appointment with a client and I'm sat here with a glass of wine feeling a total bitch,and so annoyed with myself for losing it.I vowed I was over throwing it back in his face .But honestly the sight of her strutting about and throwing her raven haired tresses around the other day just did my head in, and made me want to do some serious GBH!
It just makes me so angry that I even allow her any head space,and so wish I never had to see that manipulative bitch again!!

I think I'm a bit strung up also because youngest DC has just graduated and is away flat hunting in her uni city with boyfriend and it's hit me that's it really.Truly empty nest,just me and him.Which the thought of never worried me in the slightest.We were married a good few years before the DCs and were always the best of mates and so easy in each others company.Just being us again was something I secretly looked forward to.

Things really have been really good and so much better the last 3/4 months in particular.And I haven't had a wobble on this scale for ages.So I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself.Add to which I am going through the menopause with periods all over the place,and mood swings to boot.His timing for his mid- life crisis was excellent wasn't it?!

I was feeling very warrior like.Tonight I'm just a weepy whinge bag!Guess we are all just human.
MOS hope all goes well with your tests.In and amongst recovery I had to go in twice for various investigations to find out why I was so anaemic and DH was truly lovely,and so concerned. So I should hold that thought.By the time he gets home I shall have composed myself.
We live to fight another day girls.Hugs to all x

Sorry you are feeling sad, stargazy. Don't feel like you are a total bitch - he put you in this position - if you are still sometimes angry, well, then he has to suck it up, because this is all his doing. At least for me I never have to see OW - for you that is not the case and it would totally do my head in too, if I had her on the fringes of my life.

Add all that to the sadness of your children no longer living at home and I'm not surprised you snapped. (((Hugs)))

MOS - hope everything went ok with your ct scan and glad your dh took you.

I have felt bereaved by dp infidelity, I compare it to the pain of losing my Dad, it's a different pain for me though, I still haven't cried as I think I'm just still too angry. One of the OW messaged me back at the time saying that if I'd have fucked dp he wouldn't have gone looking elsewhere, she also called me a fat bitch (I'm neither) and she's never actually seen me, I would hate to bump into her (unlikely) at the moment as I have no idea how I'd react, thinking of her in particular ( there were three but she was the only sexual encounter he had) makes my blood boil. So STAR I totally sympathise with your reaction to your dh tonight, I probably wouldn't have held it back for as long as you did x

stargazy you poor thing, no wonder you felt like that and of course you are not a bitch. Its going to be normal to feel like that. I've not met the OW but I've seen her picture and keep picturing her in my mind when I'm with DH and wondering why he chose her.

looksgood I too keep feeling like its a bereavement and in a way, I'm relieved that I'm not alone in feeling that way. It feels 100 times worse than when I lost my mum and dad and I think its because they didn't choose to die and hurt me but what DH did was of course going to cause me pain if and when I found out. We've talked about it some more and although he really doesn't want to talk about it I have needed to at times. It is clear now that although he showed no remorse or guilt initially he is now and I really believe he had managed to block it out over the past two years. He claims he didn't love her or have feelings for her and I do believe him.

I don't think I could have sat back and done nothing I've the OW had texted me and called me names, I'd have hunted her down I think. You are better than her though looksgood, please remember that.

I am rather ashamed of my behaviour at counselling the other night when I completely lost control but funnily, since then I feel calmer. I think I well and truly vented my spleen. The counsellor said that it really was irretrievable and implied we could never resolve this and in a way, its like we are going to prove her wrong. We've both laughed and commented what the fuck does she know. Looking back over the weeks and months we'd been seeing her I believe now that some of the things she said were inappropriate and think maybe we'll do better trying to talk and resolve it ourselves. From DH's point of view, we've spent in excess of £1,000 with her and for her to suddenly refuse to see us when we need it most has made us both angry. We both emailed her independently yesterday am apologizing for our behaviour Wednesday night and asking her to see us once more next week before we go on holiday and once the week we get back but she has not had the courtesy of replying which has annoyed us both.

Anyway, enough of that.
Ref my hospital appointment yesterday I was a bit confused and disappointed to get there and find out I wasn't actually having the CT I thought I was but had a consultation with the neurologist. My GP had referred me a few weeks ago for a CT scan so when the hospital phoned saying there was a cancellation and to go in that afternoon I automatically thought it was for the scan. The neurologist was however really good and very thorough and took a full history. He agreed with my GP that my headaches do not sound like migraines and are obviously brought on by something (no doubt stress and my high blood pressure - they only happen at night when with DH) so he is organising a CT scan and will liaise with my GP ref some medication they want to try.

What was really positive that came from it though was the way DH was with me. He rushed home from work and was clearly very very concerned. He was lovely at the hospital and afterwards took me for a coffee and held my hand. Another bit of good news was got a letter yesterday am saying results of recent smear ok. I was really worried as well overdue and I'd read that having a STD can increase the risks of cancer and of course bearing in mind the fuckwit had unprotected sex with her I was very very worried.

Feel like a huge weight off my chest now and we can hopefully try to look to the future. I'm actually angry now at the counsellor thinking about how much money we've potentially wasted with her. Easy money, think I'll have a career change

I hope everyone on here is doing ok in the circumstances. As I've said before, I find this thread so much help to me. When my mum died I gained so much support from lovely ladies on MN that gave me the support that I wasn't getting in RL and I find the same happening now.

What I've learnt the past few days is that we are all going to have 'wobbles', there will be triggers that set us off and we need to identify them and work on them. I do have hopes that I can learn to trust and forgive DH but if not, I will have to call it a day but at this point, I think I owe it to both of us to try. I realise now that I did push him away and it is clear that he did what he did to make himself feel better about himself. Still no excuse but I now accept I'm not completely blameless

Anyway, have a good day ladies and thanks for being there for me x