After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

" The counsellor said that it really was irretrievable and implied we could never resolve this" Stupid person! If you can resolve an affair, surely you can resolve a twatting?

MOS, I'm not sure if this is possible, but is there some regulatory body you can contact about your counsellor. I think it is very unprofessional to just refuse to see you any more, when you are in the middle of 'treatment' (can't think of quite the right word) with her. And that's before you get to her not answering your emails. I think I would also want to query some of the things she said to you during your sessions, if you feel they were not appropriate.

£1000 is a lot of money to spend, for someone to not actually help you at all and potentially actually cause further damage.

Had a bit of a wobble myself the day before yesterday - DH was working away, which is when I have time to brood. Kept thinking about how you go from meeting someone in a business sense, to having them send you naked photos and discuss their body with you! He said they noticed him noticing them and it went from there. He also said the pictures were not taken for him, but existed already (I did wonder) and that he has the impression he is not the only man to have seen them. He swears there was no emotional involvement or sex, that it was just titillation. He swears that the urge to do this is no longer there and he is 100% focussed on us. He has also said that he thinks he would have stopped it soon himself anyway - that it was a 'phase'. He says he had no desire to sleep with them and that is a line he wouldn't have crossed. I hate the thought of me sending him off to work (in a shirt I ironed) and him doing this, while I was at home like some 1950's housewife!

He feels terrible and I don't want him to be miserable. At the same time I want him to truly know that this is a very big deal for me and that I am scared of feeling secure again and then a few years down the line, him having a few troubles and doing this again. That would kill me. It would definitely kill 'us'. I can't be here again.

That said, I don't feel better when I keep picking at it like a scab. I don't want to be miserable. But still, it is hard to put all my trust in someone who has betrayed me once. I believe he means what he says, but I am having to trust that he will keep his promises in the face of future stresses.

I was reading about Liberty Ross being cheated on by her husband with the Twilight actress. Goes to show that you can be beautiful and successful and interesting and still it was not enough to stop her fuckwitted husband from shagging the permanently vacant faced Kristen Stewart. Made me feel sad.

Short - it just shows that affairs are not about the betrayed party or the marriage - its ALL about the betrayer, his issues and personality flaws.

This is why the best way of affair proofing - as well as establishing boundaries, is to for the cheater to examine their own inner self and work on their flaws.

MOS - not impressed with your counsellor, and I agree that she should be reported. Glass's Not Just Friends is a good one to use if you want to work through things. Glad the hospital appointment was ok and that your smear results are clear.

Its awful how they have willingly put our own health at risk - that was something I found hard to deal with and while we were waiting for our STD results to come back, I made sure he knew exactly how worried I was. I also had cystitis twice during his affair - both times were after he had sex with her...

shorter I can totally understand your feelings about how it went from business to an affair. Now that DH has started telling me what happened (under a great deal of duress) it is clear that SHE was openly seeking attention from him and I truly believe he knows he should never have allowed it to happen and won't do it again.

Of course I will have wobbles for a while but I have to resist the urge to try to hack into his emails/check his phone.

We are stronger than them, we can get through this or if not, we can be strong enough to say enough and move on.

I've taken on board your helpful comments about the counsellor and am considering making a complaint. She is a member of BACP so might have a look at their website later. Thanks again everyone x

MOS her infidelity training is clearly not up to date if she has no concept of the PSTD caused by trauma.

You might point her in the direction of Glass, Vaughan and Linda J MacDonald to help her round her limitations off.

Also, you clearly triggered off something unresolved in her if she was shocked by a little display of rage.

Funnily enough, I mentioned the Glass book on Wednesday and said I'd found an extract (that was on here) really useful in relation to the flirting point (many thanks for whoever it was that posted that) and she just looked blank and it was clear she had no knowledge of the book.

I'm still so bloody angry at how much money we've basically wasted by seeing her. DH and I made more headway yesterday after my hospital appointment than in the past few weeks/months with her.

I too am struggling in the aftermath of DH's affair. It was all the more devastating because it was with his ex, whom he looked up while travelling to the city in which she had settled (and married!) without telling me. I believe him when he says he didn't set out to cheat, but cheat he did - and then maintained a 'friendship' - this is true on his side, but NOT hers - behind my back for years. His remorse is genuine and total: I saw the email exchange in which he had already broken off all contact. We have had 28 years together - 26 married - with 2 children. We have been through a lot of hardship & heartbreak and love each other very much. But I have to say that the pain is excruciating and rebuilding self-esteem is the biggest challenge. It's important, though, to bear in mind that,sadly, there are predatory women out there, so it's vital to cooly and calmly try to understand your DH's perspective and whether he was manipulated. It happens far more often than we imagine and there are a lot of unhappy women looking for the attention that they are not getting in their own relationships...Thank you to those who have stuck it out and have given their views: it really helps.

Oh dear Icarus.Like you we've been together a long time and so much together and it's a huge shock and a betrayal when the person you've loved and trusted more than half your life lets you down so monumentally.
How recent is your discovery? is it still early days?If you've read all this thread you will see I'm 2 years into recovery and things are generally good, even better than good some days.But then certain triggers ie. seeing OW can still prompt a return of strong emotions and I struggle for a day or two.
Thanks LOOKS and SHORTER for your support after my rant last night! TMI here but just started a very heavy period today so that and the exposure to my nemesis the other day probably accounts for the pressure cooker build up of feelings! Finished work early today and instead of doing 'jobs' have had a long soak in the bath, a big cry and a natter with a great friend who reminded me of just how far I/ we have come and got things in perspective.

Sorry also MOS for the way your counsellor treated you.There's enough reason to feel angry and frustrated without her adding to it.And yes I'm sure the stress of dealing with the fallout of infidelity does have a knock on effect physically - but good to get things checked.I should have gone months sooner to my GP ,but put a lot of my symptoms of severe anaemia down to emotional stress.

Have got a nice quiet weekend ahead after a few busy weeks work wise and socially and I'm going to pamper and be kind to myself - and DH if he's really lucky!

Stargazy - thank you. I suppose that it's early days...nearly 6 months since I found out. I am massively encouraged by your postings. I tell myself that each day can only get better. But what a shocker - it was like a physical blow. Thank you for sharing - it is really hard to talk to anyone. You can only bore your closest friends for so long..! I say go for the pampering - we're worth it, ho ho.

MOS - I have had different kinds of therapy in my life and this sounds outrageous. Unprofessional to say the very least. I would certainly cease the sessions - and consider a complaint. You do NOT deserve this - especially after what you have been through.

For all others: watch out for your health! My pituitary gland stopped functioning due to the stress. Nasty! Good luck to all. Sad to have this in common but the silver lining is in the support.

morning ladies. Had another shock last night when a friend I'd confided in replied to my WWYD? with 'I took him back'. We had been best friends for years when we lived abroad but not seen each other since January due to logistics of where we now live. I was shocked to find out that her DH had done it too. What is wrong with these bloody men. Felt so sad that she has been going through this on her own for around 10 months now and didn't tell me when we last met or confide in anyone else. Her DH's story very similar to mine, pre-arranged sex when on business trips.

Regarding our health, it really doesn't take a toll doesn't it. I suppose we are so shell shocked we don't really think about how we feel physically as emotionally we are destroyed. Its obvious my headaches and blood pressure are down to fuck wit and clearly some of you have health issues triggered by your DHs. I hope everyone who has had various health problems has sought treatment and on the road to recovery.

I'm going to try to have a day today where I don't think about that bitch at all. Today would have been my dad's birthday so I really want to go and visit his and mum's grave if I get a chance but its not local so might have to wait until tomorrow when I will be in that area.

Hope everyone has a good day and stays as calm as possible x

My husband cheated on me a month ago...he told me himself and I was devasted, he was always so trustworthy and everyone was so jealous that I had married such a good guy. He said he wanted to make it work but has since been acting terribly. He's in a band and has continued to spend all his time going away for gigs and putting the band first as he said he couldnt let all the people who would be watching down...what about me?! I have asked anything from him. So I had enough and on Thursday I told him it was over. Now is texting me wating to see me because he knows that I cant say no to him. I dont he was expecting me to end it...but how can I be with someone who not only cheats but then acts like nothing has happened.
I have seen him in a different light now, I want to be with someone who puts me before anything else, I have no respect for him anymore, he is like a different person.
Its so sad. We are 1 week away from our 2 year anniversary, Im so glad we didnt have children

Jess, I am still with my husband, because it isn't just about me there are 3 children and wider family as well. It gets complicated when you have other souls to consider.

IIWY I would leave, and go on a long, hard search to find myself. I think you have to be selfish and immature to cheat, I really do, and the more you develop yourself and become surer of yourself, immature people won't do it for you as much - you simply wouldn't be attracted to them. This is very painful, and it involves grieving for your hopes and learning about boundaries.

So as I say, I am still with my H but these things have changed: I now know what he is capable of. I see his selfishness and his immaturity and his lack of real love, whilst having compassion for his past childhood traumas and knowing those are HIS problems to overcome. They came from a place far before me and I didn't cause them. And despite 15 futile, futile years, I couldn't control them and I couldn't cure them either. As a wise counsellor said to me, 'when you try to change another person's character [with your love], you set yourself up for failure. The consequences will be delayed but they are STILL consequences'.
I see how much I lived my life through him. I see how passive I was and how much power I handed over. I see how much disrespect there was and how invisible I was.
I don't look to him for love or approval. I think of myself more. I don't engage in futile arguments any more. I don't get emotionally caught up. I am making plans for the future. I am telling him what is happening now (boy does he not like this). When he objects, I will politely say, I hear you are not happy with this, but I am going to do what I think best.* I am looking to develop my friendships and contacts away from him, to find the appreciation I now accept I will never get from him. This has taken 3 years of hard hard IC work and deep pain, and it is a work in progress.

How he responds, is entirely his decision. This isn't a power struggle, it isn't about 'making' him 'understand' anything. I am beyond all that now. (Acceptance of his reality and the reality of our life and that this is now our history has been hard, painful work).

*This is because he has a grandiose lifestyle set up exactly how he likes, which I run around enabling and implementing. I am gardener, painter, decorator, housekeeper, nanny, administrator AND IT IS STOPPING. I am going back to university and developing myself!

Abitwobbly I totally understand and appreciate that you have others to consider, ie your DC but you must put yourself first. A few years ago, before I gave up my career to move abroad and give DH the children he wanted (I already had two from first marriage - first husband also committed adultery) I was a family lawyer and it made me so very sad when I had new clients come to see me who had lived in an unhappy marriage for many years for the sake of the children and only decided to get out once the children had left home. That is so very very sad, you deserve to be happy, we all do.

It is very early days for me, 3 weeks and 1 day (will I ever stop counting the weeks and days?) but if I still feel the way I do at the moment at some point in the future, it might be weeks, months or even years, then I will walk away and end this marriage. I will not make a rash decision now whilst I am raw but I know I can't live like this forever.

You should be so proud of yourself, you are regaining control and independance and I realise now that is exactly what I'd lost for many years, partly because where we were living (Middle East) where I had no independance due to the cultural issues). I have already signed up for a daytime adult education class in September and am going to look at doing evening ones and getting out more, zumba, gym, whatever. I will no longer be so dependant on a man who has let me down so badly. Your post above is an inspiration for me x

Inspiring posts ladies.

I've been the same really, once ds (5) was born my life changed dramatically, dp's didn't changed as much as us usually the case. This is ultimately where we drifted apart socially, through lack of babysitters it was just easy to go out separately. This though wasn't the cause of the infidelity, dp didn't have to leave the house to start up EA via FB.

I'm feeling quite empty today never been through such a wide range of emotions in such a short space of time!

Sorry for typos, tiny phone keyboard.

Abitwobbly, we have 3 children, and very inteferring in laws, but this isn't about them at all. If I truthfully felt my dh and I had no future together, and he didn't want us to work, I wouldn't hesitate to take the children and go, I refuse to stay with him just because of the hurt it will create, they need me to be strong and happy, and dh, and it that means apart, then I will leave. I however admit we are living for now, I can't make any plans for the future, I have halted plans to buy the house we so wanted, I don't Think moving will make anything better. Infact the only guilt I would hold is for our youngest who would grow up with probably no memory of good times, when mummy and daddy were happy. Our older children are old enough to rememer the us times and will mourn differently to our youngest.

I am only on day 9 I think, of stumbling across his cock up. He has 3 weeks off work booked, from the middle of next week (annual leave he booked back feb time) we have a fortnight away booked during that time, which initially i was dreading, this week he has pretty much spent it here, he cancelled pretty much everything, including this weekend away with work, of which I spent this week dreading him going on. He didn't tell me he had cancelled it, and I didn't want to ask him to cancel it. It was the biggest relief ever that he couldnt go, it was very important to his position in the company and he told me I was more important. I know he will have to go away at some stage! He told me, he hates the thought of leaving for work, as he doesn't want to come back to his bags packed in the hall and the locks changed. He is as terrified as I am of what could happen if we can't get over this.

Mos I would definatly end the sessions. Like you I am still devastated, dh told me at tea last night he felt me shaking at the table, and he wasn't touching me, The children had made desert and were serving it out and I just felt myself fill up with emotions. Silly things send me off into tears.

Jesse I am so sorry your dh couldn't change his agenda for you. I am not a mat, but must admit that my dh's career has pretty much come first these last 2/3 years, and I've let it happen. I can't let that continue and I hope he realises that. I dont want to live with the fear that another rug is going to be pulled from underneath me. Today we are meant to be writing each other a list of what we expect from each other, (his idea) and if we feel the need to introduce any rules they have to be written down (my idea) We are going over them once we have got the kids in bed.

I dont know if we are heading in the right direction we are talking though, and talking at every opportunity, and I know he is as devastated as I am that this happened, but I suspect he is only devastated as he got caught! God if we all had a time machine, I would certainly go back to a better time. I think I would read the glass book and ten maybe see signs. Maybe it should be given to all to read before they take Thier vows?

Waves to looksgoodingravey. Xxxxxxxxxx

Devastated - it sounds like your dh is doing everything possible to repair the damage he caused, like you I wish I could turn back the clock, I wish I could stumble upon dp texts before he took the next step in his deceit. Dp is also trying so hard to build bridges, some days are far easier than others. When he's with me I feel like we can conquer anything, when we're apart the doubts creep back in. Trust is precious and to have it ripped away is awful .

Jesse - has your dh cheated again or is it his behaviour which had gone back to how it was before you found out?

Hold onto the good things, if you're giving your partner a second chance then bring into this new relationship all the good things you once had, it's never going to be the same again but perhaps it will make us stronger in the end.

Hi all - we are trying to repair our marriage after DH 3 month affair.

It's tough. Partly because of some of the gems he comes out with - the latest being that he didn't see his infidelity as an affair - just a natural extension of his other life!! He works away & has compartmentalised to the extreme!

He never wanted me to find out (surprise, surprise) & thought he could have these 2 lives running along nicely together....

I find his whole change of character disorientating, & cannot put who is together with this person he has become.

He says he wants to reconcile & we are still together, but if I'm honest, it seems it's all about him & what he wants.

He still struggles to admit that his affair was his decision & not all about our marriage problems. The fact that he claims that his kids are the most important thing in his life yet strangely all thought of them went out the window when he was enjoying his fuckfest with his 26 year old lover (I'm 40).....apparently it was much more damaging for them to have parents who occasionally bickered .

I am at a bad point. I don't know if I want to work on a relationship with someone who had become so bloody selfish. Yet I feel that we need to at least try & see if we can get past this low point.

He has followed the script in such a cliched way, yet probably still thinks he's a good guy who was just trying to find happiness

Hi moonfacebaby,

I think that you can only get past this if your husband is properly, seriously and honestly, sorry for what he has done and acknowledges that he chose to do this and will choose never to do it again. As Mad pointed out, upthread, it is to do with his issues and flaws and not yours.

Your husband doesn't sound as if he is in the right place to repair things at the moment. To use a mumsnet phrase, he sounds like he has a huge sense of entitlement - to do what he wants, when he wants. Where are you in all this?

I really recommend the Shirley Glass book - for him to read as much as you. If I'm honest though, he doesn't seem to be grasping the level of betrayal or taking this at all seriously. If I was faced with that in my husband, I wouldn't be bothering to try and fix it.

I hope you don't think I am being too blunt - I don't want to make you feel worse.

I'm with shorter

He is still being a selfish, entitled twat who is only sorry he got caught.

The only thing that will bring him to his senses is LOSS - kick him out and he will realise that his choices has lost him his wife, family, home comforts and self respect.

He is not feeling the consequences - he thinks it will all blow over and he can go back to his cheating ways.

Moon, he is trying to get away with it, and you can choose the hurt and panic of the risk you are taking in kicking him out, or you can choose the hurt and humiliation and lowering self esteem of enduring what you are currently describing.

I am with Choc: kick him out into the arms and open legs of Miss 20. After a few weeks of her vacuous conversation you might be in a postion to demand counselling.

I am over the affair because sadly I see it as another manifestation of his selfishness and lack of inner life. I know that he is currently persauding himself that he does not care about me, and that all he will do is be an unfeeling provider (eventually leading to stuff on the side). I know this.
This is what I wish for, and I will never get in my desire for a responsible husband:

I am not just referring to responsibility as being hard-working (hell, work can be a "clean" addiction), being a good provider, being physically present consistently and never having strayed sexually before.

Responsibility in marriage encompasses things like fundamental honesty, commitment, integrity, ability to delay gratification for the greater good of the marriage and family unit, accepting that it is hard work to maintain one's honor for a life time, and realizing that life (whether married or not) is not and never has been a picnic, that there is NO magic cure for the fact that life is flipping hard, and that making life even harder for everyone around you is not contributing to anything remotely resembling SOLUTIONS for self or anyone else."

Moon - agree with short and Mad. Dp has shown huge remorse for what he's done and it's genuine I have no doubt about it. When I question him about his lies (quite often, we're four months in) he talks with a sense of bitter regret. We are still working through everything but it's only through his actions since I found out that he's still living under the same roof as me. If he had shown such disregard for what he'd done as your dh seems to be at the moment I'm not sure he wouldn't be here, I would have insisted he move out possibly to take stock and to realise just what he had done. Dont get me wrong, it's still so hard now, we're still in the early stages of working through everything and there have been lots of times I wanted him to leave, especially during the first few weeks of discovery.

If your marriage was in this amount of turmoil then why didn't you also have an affair, ask your dh that one. This is all about him and his ability to live two lives and by all accounts not feeling guilty for the devastation he's caused, I feel angry for you thinking about his comment of the affair being an extension of his life, I'd be extremely bitter about his attitude up to now.

Hope he sees sense soon x

AbitWobbly - well said x