After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

Star ... I feel the exact way, if I hadn't of been hunting for an actual receipt on his phone for iTunes, I wouldn't of found it. The first thing he said was 'I can't believe I left it in the phone'

I have asked who instigated the texting, he can't answer! I said how does a conversation end up with that? Again he couldn't answer! To me you meet, you have a physical attraction, you have sex and then continue it via texting or emailing, but in his unique case apparantly not!!! How do I believe that?

Like you I wonder how much longer it would of carried on, if he is telling the truth, would they have ever met?

Bizzarely he came home today with 'us' news, we have had a mortgage offer accepted by our bank, we have found a beautiful house, its almost my dream home, a little tinkering and it would be perfect, we have both been so excited about it, and our bank have confirmed they will finance it, I can't look at it online now without welling up. It is hardly the right time! it's like he has taken that off me too!

We have friends, the dh is always being thrown out, he spends a week with his folks and then he sheepishly comes home, I have always said to my husband, I couldn't create that insecurity for our children, if I throw him it, it's out, it's over!!!

If I throw him out I have to do it because I know what has happened is unforgivable. I am torn as I need my own space, I have our children home for the summer, and we have a holiday booked. I realy do not want to go anywhere with him and he as 3 weeks off!

Sorry edge .. I cross posted again!!!!

Please stay on this thread, I hope we can support each other. Xxx

stargazy - thank you xx It is sad to know that this awful situation is all too common, but hearing how others have come out the other side offers hope.

edge - your comment "in reality i'm so strong for others, bubbly etc etc but just weak when it comes to me. You hit the nail in the head 'so disrespectful' I find I have no respect for him and even wonder what's good for the goose......" resonates so strongly with how I feel just now.

devgiraffe - so sorry you're having to face these tough decisions xx

DevastatedGiraffe I'd really like that, it does help to share this with others who understand.

How heart wrenching about the house news, bitter sweet.

The holiday will be tough, stressful at the best of times I think! You mention your children, one thing that occurs with me is that my eldest daughter (15) knows what's happened and each time he's late she comments 'working late yeah yeah' I think, god, she's 15 and she's got the measure of him.....but, she also adores him as a step dad.

He's just text to say he's on his way home from golf and I want to run to bed and hide......

My husband is very successful as I suspect yours is but non of the trappings matter.......peace in your heart is priceless.

"no respect"

That is it. I didn't realise what was missing but it is the respect, I can't trust him so how can I respect him? Laughable as at work he is on a high and on the up, so respected by all of those around him apart from his own wife.

PD, same here re the respect issue.

New job, hailed as an expert, told how wonderful he is.

Whilst I look at him with new eyes and see someone who wasn't even strong enough to keep a simple promise.

It would almost be laughable if so much weren't at stake - namely the happiness and security of my children.

So sad, I don't want to be someone who lived her life through lies but finance and DC make it so hard.

Funny if it can be I now work for the same company in a diff building as DH and the rumours are starting to fall via male colleagues I can't help but wonder about their alteria motive tbh, are they hinting at my DH's ea for my well being or their own alteria motive?

Aggghhhhhhhhh

My H was with OW about 18 months ago. We have also stayed together, it's been a really tough road. There were times when I wanted to physically hurt him, I was so angry and totally devastated. We are both different people since it happened. i find it hard to look at photos of when we first got together, it hurts to see how something so good could turn into something so sad and broken.

We've had some great days since and i'm glad we tried to work things out but i don't think this relationship has anything left. He seems angry inside, always negative and it's become impossible to communicate with him. And now I just don't feel the same anymore, I love him but we are no longer good together.

But i think if you can forgive and you both want it to work you need to give it a go. Even though we likely to split up I'm glad i gave him a chance.

Good luck and i hope you have a happier ending than us.

It's so sad to read about all of you who feel trapped into staying in marriages that are no longer making you happy, whether that's because of money, fear of giving up or a sense of duty to the children or parents.

I think those of you who are just weeks away from a discovery are probably still coping with the shock and so decisions are best postponed until you've got more equilibrium. For others who are months and years on from this, in my experience, the women who haven't felt like this had partners who realised the enormity of the offence and took full responsibility for healing the breach. Men who didn't have to be badgered to go for their own counselling, or to read books and web literature. Men who worked out for themselves that their actions were not an isolated event, but the manifestation of years of selfishness and entitlement in some form or another. Men who set about changing a whole range of behaviours and attitudes, realising that this was the only way they could retain their relationships and become better people in general.

I also don't get the sense that many of these men realise they have lost anything as a consequence of their actions. It's a truism in life that we don't value what we don't have to fight or strive for and yet the irony is that these men are probably deluding themselves that they have lost nothing. They don't seem to realise they have lost your respect and your trust. Again, it's a very good portent that a couple are going to survive if the one who's behaved badly acknowledges that they have lost something precious in themselves and not just in their relationships.

It's never too late to tackle this and assert your right to a partner who commands respect and trust - and it's never too late to decide that it's time to jettison a relationship that is making you feel bitter and angry, not happy. Just as your partners might be oblivious to what they've lost in their relationships and in themselves, the same might apply to you.

Don't sacrifice yourself for this relationship and allow yourself to become a shadow of the woman you once were. That cost is too high.

I tried for 2 years to make things work following xp's infidelity, but I found that I just didn't believe a word he said anymore. If he said he had a headache, I'd think he was saying it to get out of doing something he didn't want to do, stuff like that.

He never took full responsibility for what he'd done, he did go to counselling but I suspect all he did in those sessions was throw pity parties for himself - nothing really changed.

I lost all respect for him, although for the first year or so I really thought we cuold work things out, we had a hysterical bonding phase etc but he couldn't understand why I would still have bad days even more than a year later. He just wnted to brush it all under the carpet and forget it ever happened.

In the end I was avoiding him, hiding in my home office most of the time, I couldn't bear to be in the same room as him anymore which caused a lot of rows, we didn't[ have sex for about 8 months prior to our final break up - I lost all urges in that department, had absolutely zero sex drive.

Four months on and I'm really happy. I don't miss him one bit, I'm much more relaxed, seeing someone new and can happily report that my sex drive is back with a vengeance

Sternface is so right in her last post.A year post discovery I went through another really bad patch,something on DHs phone ( mentioned in an earlier post) told me DH still hand't addressed issues about himself.A RL friend wisely told me just because I'd made a decision earlier I was free to change my mind at any point, and that still applies today 2 years on.

Thankfully from that point on my DH really 'got it'.He'd already done loads to make amends.eg. His idea to go to counselling, absolutely no. Contact with OW etc.But to rebuild a trusting ,safe and happy future I needed more.But I had to push and fight for that and it was exhausting at times.Now I feel it was worth it.But there would have come a time when I said enough is enough, despite famille and finances etc.
If I still felt such strong resentment and distrust now no way would I stay.I'd be far happier on my own.My DH really is a good guy who did a bad thing and took a while to change habits and really see the big picture.

stargazy - you are amazing to have stayed so strong for so long.

I made it clear to my DH that my respect, self esteem and wellbeing were important and that should I feel that I couldn't hack it any more with him, then I was perfectly entitled to end the marriage. He has done everything he should be doing and as a result I do not feel the distrust, anger etc that many of you do.

It is really important for my DC to have good models of relationships - my DH's father was a philanderer and that has influenced his attitude (and probably my SIL's choice of husband who also walked out with OW) and I am determined that my DC will not suffer the same fate.

To those staying for the children, do you think its a healthy environment for them? what lessons are they learning from you & him? that its ok to piss on your marriage? what about when they leave home - what will you be left with? they deserve to grow up in a secure and happy home.

And I really do hope you are using protection if you are still having sex with your cheating husbands

Also you need to be prepared for the fact that they could walk out one day to live with OW, leaving you and the DC in the shit financially.

Should I stay it won't be because of the children, it will be because I feel we
Have a future. I agree with you mad about choc I don't think it does any favours for the children long term, i am a believer we only live once, and my worries are that I will stay because of my concerns for his health and not think about me. Me being a martyr was one of my first concerns. Someone I think has already mentioned, what hapPens when the children leave home and I'm in my 50's in a sham marriage? Do I then leave? Where as I could go now at 35.

At the moment they have no idea of any of this, should we stay Together I can't imagine I will ever tell them. Should we part I will deal with that at the time. He is and always will be Thier dad and I can't tarnish Thier relationship no matter how he has disrespected me. Though I am fighting an inner battle, our children do have a happy home.

I've done a lot of thinking over night, ive still lots more obviously to do, and I'm not being dragged down by my husband, back 5 years ago I started a 2 year fun time in my life, and I Only calmed it it to support him in his carerer. I can't put him first anymore.

With regard to protection, my dh is adamant he hasnt slept with his text buddy. However it is on my list of questions ... Do I require a test? Financially I know I am ok!

devastated - glad you feel you are not staying simply because of the children. Its amazing though how they do pick up on tensions - I know mine did despite doing everything we could to hide things from them. I am also a believer of putting yourself first, building up your own life by reconnecting with old friends, developing hobbies, training, work etc.

MadAbout that's really good advice. Just seeing my good friends more often than I did and getting out of the house has helped me greatly. My RL friends and family know everything. Dp confessed the day before my birthday (nice timing) and there was a family outing arranged the following day, he told all of my family what he'd done! Looking back it all seems so surreal. Family and friends have been very supportive and haven't interfered with my decision to stay.

It's also ironic that somehow I feel like I'm betraying dp by posting about him on here even though nobody knows us.

We talked last night when I returned from my night out. He says he will go to counselling but I suspect he just said it to appease me. He's got to be the one to want to do it. His good friend emigrated and I know he would have talked to him about what he's done but other than that he's only had me and my fab mum to talk to. He needs to talk to someone outside of the box to try and understand why he did what he did .

Looksgood, I totally get what you mean about the feeling of betrayal by posting.

It shows how we put ourselves second though, I suppose.
How we care so deeply for the well-being of the one we committed to that we feel bad for posting for support for ourselves.

How sad that these men failed to show the same amount of thought for us.

I am gradually coming round to the understanding that I cannot and should not be protecting him from the fall-out of what he has done.

I am excrutiatingly humiliated by his behaviour but I think I will need to confide in someone in RL in order to work through if I can truly forgive him.

Moonery I don't know how you've managed by not talking to at least one RL friend about this, I would urge you to find support from somebody close to you who won't judge you for staying but will listen and be an ear for you to vent all of your frustrations, it must be stressful keeping it together when there's only you who knows what has gone on.

You're right about putting ourselves second. I keep thinking back to last year, when he'd come home from work, his dinner was ready, his clothes washed, shopping done, in he'd come phone attached to his side, walked the dog, showered and back out again. He used home as a base and that's all. I work too, I felt like I was the only one putting effort into our relationship and now I know why because his mind was consumed with inappropriate texts and silly women massaging his ego!

You certainly shouldn't be protecting him from the fall out but I understand your loyalty, I know how hard it is to suddenly be talking about your dp in a negative way with somebody, it's hard. Dp is extremely likeable and everyone immediately warms to him just as I did, he's the father of my ds, he's the one person I thought I could rely on but he's betrayed me so greatly and my respect and trust for him has gone however I still love him and it's only through his behaviour since that we're still together.

Just catching up, you all sound like such strong and lovely people. I became quite depressed last night and ended up telling DH I couldn't continue without knowing everything and until he decides to tell me the truth our marriage is on hold.

I'm not sure I am strong enough to do this tbh

The one thing I'm learning since reading this thread is that some of these men are going all out to make it up to you, accepting their wrongdoing, buying books, going to counselling......my husband has done NONE of this. He has just buried his head. We had words last night (does me no good reading these posts!) and he basically thinks that 2yrs on I should have moved on and out the past behind. I know enough of the sordid details but what I don't know is why?

I've told him today he has no respect for me and that he has to show me he's changed. Needless to say he turned it on me and blamed me for not moving on!

Very angry right now. I've told him to change or pissoff! (excuse my language)

edge it is so bloody frustrating isn't it?

I mean he was the one who decided to cross the line and in turn kill my trust and belief in our marriage, why do they also believe it is their right to expect us to let go and forgive.

I've told him not to call me about work and daily stuff anymore, I'm not interested in talking to him until he tells me what I already know but want to hear him admit it.

He sounded proud last night when he said "I haven't had sex with anyone else" I have an email from OW telling you she loves you, he must have been heavily involved with her but he is saying he can't remember!

My arse he can't remember. I'm so fucking angry.

. My worry is that my husband would quite happily brush all this under the carpet too, I am sure he assumes I will but I've endless questions I need answers for.

Last night despite covering some ground, and we still have miles to go, he wanted to bring up 'other, normal, family stuff'. Eg me going car hunting, our weekend away in September without the kids, our holiday next year etc etc. he has also text me today, a pathetic 'what you up to type text' I felt like replying packing your bags dear! I've ignored it. Things are not normal!

None of those things are relevant to what is currently going on between us!
Ive a list of things to cover tonight again, I want to know he is dedicated to make sure this doesn't happen again, and the extent he will go to, to prove I can trust him again.

He did start consellng for his depression after Christmas, he went 4 or 5 times. Then meetings in London escalated, 2 members of staff left, and his work load meant he stopped going. He also had some sort of hypnotherapy to assist in his sleeping, as he sleeps about an hour or 2 a night maximum, he gets up and works, he is seriously exhausted. He can't switch off at all, I don't know what came first, her or the excessive work load? She obviously has a part to play.

I've had lunch with my parents today and all they have done is talk about how wonderful he is! I've come straight here to scream!!

"he has also text me today, a pathetic 'what you up to type text' I felt like replying packing your bags dear! I've ignored it. Things are not normal!"

DG, are you me?!

I am not ready to compartmentalise this yet.
He seems able to shut off all his feelings about it, or maybe because it's over and no-one else knows, he's moved on from it.

I don't know.

I just know that he has devastated me and I can't pretend that he hasn't.