After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

"When people like this have an affair,"

and this is known as a split-self affair, Stern?

Madabout and Naice I totally identify with the 'i'm available signals.
Just a week before I discovered what DH was up to we went to a social do and I will never forget him storming ahead on the way in the restaurant and me trotting along several feet ahead,and him all but letting the door bang in my face.We hadn't had a row or anything.Minutes later close friends arrived and he held the door open for her took her coat and put his arm around her shoulder.
Although at the time I was clueless ,but remember an empty,ache inside.
Later that evenIng after a few drinks he flirted away like a single man on the pull with an attractive woman who was lapping it up.
I was so tired and run down at the time - later found out I was chronically anaemic - that I just drove home quietly and couldn't be bothered to tell him how hurt and lonely I'd felt despite being in company of friends.
But that 's the sort of inconsiderate pillock my once lovely,kind DH had become.And yes all the attention from and to OW had obviously started to make him detach from me - and feel like some sort of super stud.Laughable really.

Feel better after speaking to my Counsellor. Dp needs to see one too to address his issues. Spoke to her about porn, she obviously can't give her view on it but all she could say was that once it becomes hidden and lied about then it can become an issue, I know that there is only so much she can talk about though as she can't give her view point on it. I have spoken to dp about him needing to see a counsellor but he says talking to me is his counselling, I think he needs to talk to somebody outside of the box.

I still love him but it not enough is it, the trust we've built over 17 years has gone, I've got to pick out the good pieces of what we had and try and bring them into the 'new' relationship, he's got to be more patient than he's ever been and I've got to somehow at some point get past this, I keep thinking about the other women, I deal with one scenario and think I've got that one sorted and then the other one pops up in my head and then the other...it's like a macabre game, it's awful.

MY H's OW was also someone we both knew from years ago who reappeared on the scene. One is bad enough, can't imagine having to deal with three but if I hadn't found out about this affair, its possible his flirting with other women would have progressed.

Its incredible how much your once kind and loving husband can change so much but if you really sit down and think back, you may remember signs of selfishness and entitlement but you have usually tolerated these.

I know I did and that was because I knew he worked hard, had a fairly deprived childhood, struggled to make something of himself as an adult and then when he became successful, wanted to make the most of it.

As for your H not wanting to use a counsellor - I think this is rather selfish, you need to reserve your emotional and mental energy for dealing with your own emotions and thoughts. Do you think he is afraid of facing his own demons? As I have said before it is like looking in a mirror but so essential if he is to resolve his issues and become a changed person.

MadAbout somedays I don't know how I'm dealing with it think having my active ds (5) keeps me going.

Yes I look back on last year and almost shudder remembering just how often I was in this house on my own, he wasn't seeing the three amigo's in all that time but he was getting away from me and when I sit down and think about it deeply enough it makes me feel numb, just like I felt after he had confessed.

I think he's being typical male with regards to seeing a counsellor by himself. We've been to Relate, he thinks that because the counsellor there said that we were doing all the right things that talking to eachother is enough. My Counsellor today said similar to you in the fact that I've suddenly been bombarded with all of this awful news and I'm dealing with my own demons and his too, she mentioned self-sabotage, I've looked it up since coming back, if he doesn't take stock and deal with the how's and why's then there is a strong possibility that it could happen again.

wobbly, sometimes people operate most of the time from a split-self position and it's their default behaviour. Examples are people who can inflict severe physical pain on others on a regular basis, but are kind and gentle with their loved ones; men who treat their close female relatives like china dolls, but other women as disposable sex objects; women who are kind to their friends and support them when their husbands have affairs, while at the same time sleeping with other womens' partners and never having any other type of relationship.

Then there's the person who although probably was always more selfish than most, sustains a split-self only when he or she has an affair.

All affairs therefore involve a split-self; it's the nature of deception after all. But for some people that's their default personality and for others, it comes about only because of the affair.

Looksgood - don't let him off the hook with that stuff about being a 'typical male'. There's no such thing. It does make me wonder whether you've both relied on rather constricting male/female stereotypes in order to explain away individual unacceptable behaviours. Does he say that 'all men use porn' for example - and do you believe that yourself?

Looksgood- my h of 20 years (internet sex, hidden and lied about for 5 plus years) also didn't want to see a counsellor. He still doesn't, so I am having to judge things on results!

The thing I felt eventually (discovery last september, admitted november) was that it was a hell of a nerve him saying he was learning and thinking enough about change etc talking to me, rather than a counsellor. You could turn this round and see this pattern:

-he committed the offence
-YOU are feeling the major pain and impact
-he now wants YOU to counsell him!

Two years, 3 months and I'm still with my husband.Why? That's a question I regularly ask myself. I found out he was having an affair with a work colleague, confronted him and boy did I confront her!

Being totally honest I struggle, some weeks are better than others. My main problem is that he doesn't seem remorseful. It's as if he's boxed it up and moved on whereas for me I struggle. Day to day life is fine but I don't trust him at all and I can't ever see myself trusting him. Would i really believe it was a late meeting, wonder what went on at the Christmas party, be comfortable enough for him to go away on a lads weekend - no. I have a lot of angry thoughts and also share people's comments on here about wanting to hurt but it's not her it's him! Not physically hurt him but punish him, as in leave him, divorce him. We have a great social life, friends, holidays - if I left him he would loose all this. I have really nasty thoughts about revenge but the upshot is I'm still here. I have many a conversation with myself, tell myself to get some respect and leave, teach him a lesson etc etc. Also what it has done is make me a control freak!! I look up his work colleagues on FBook, Linked In.

Tonight he is playing golf, I'm happy that he is where he says he is but I still have thoughts that he shouldn't be 'allowed'.

I don't have any advice for you, all I can say is that it's hard, each time his mobile rings, he's late etc. There are so many triggers in every day life that make me remember it all. Will we get through it........I honestly don't know. We have a 5yr old who adores him. I have 2 elder children from my 1st marriage - he had an affair and I divorced him. I used to hear the children sobbing in bed for him.......it haunts me that I would do that to our 5yr old by leaving him.

In the words of Mr Grey, I'm 50 Shades Fu**ed Up!

Edge, I totally get where you are coming from. It seems like a great injustice that he can still have fun and be happy, while you are living in this hell. He does wrong, but you get punished.

It is very early days for me. I blame my husband far more than the ow - he stood in a church and promised me love and fidelity, but still, none of this reflects well on her/them. I want to cause all the upheaval in their lives that has been caused in mine.

I do think we have made a lot of progress.

However, it still galls me sometimes that i still think about it, and cant always stop myself from doing so, and it stll causes pain. Whereas I suspect he doesnt think about it that much, and that he is just happy and received that we are still together.

It aint a fair world!

Edge - totally get what you're saying. I'm also in 2nd marriage, with DC from both.

Still early days here - he's always very remorseful when we speak about it. He says all the right things. When he's like that I'm happy to try and make a go of it and when he's out of the house, I get angry that his life continues as normal.

He made the choice to bring on the guilt and shame for himself but I had no choice in the hurt and devastation that I now feel.

Anyway DevastatedGiraffe will be thinking of you at this crap time

Stern, I cringe when I hear myself use the term 'typical male' but it sort of roles off the tongue, although my counsellor did inform me that they have far more women coming to see them than men so maybe not too far off the mark.
Fiventhree, so very true. I've been given all this baggage to carry around and im carrying his too.
I'm off to my good friends tonight to have some well deserved me something which I definitely neglected last year!

Edge - your post made me really sad there is no way I could live like that, to be still struggling in this way after so long.

Because my H has worked on himself, I trust him when he goes away and I don't think about what he might be up to.

Remember that he did this to you and to his DC - not you. He made the choice to fuck another woman and to destroy his family - not you.

Life is too short to be feeling like this. What do you think will happen in 15 years time when your DC have grown up? Will you still want to be with him?

I identify with so much that has been said already on this thread.

We are five months down the road from my discovery of his emotional affair with a work colleague. I stumbled upon the emails and confronted him.

It turns out that he had put a stop to it already and he seems to think that this makes a difference.

He is sorry and beating himself up and will never do it again, so he says.
He is struggling to understand that I don't care that he's sorry or that he's cut off all contact and changed jobs, or that he'll never do it again.

I care that he did it in the first place.

That he took a twenty year relationship and a seventeen year marriage and bollocksed it all up because some other woman flattered his ego.

Whilst I'm at home, looking after our children and scrimping and saving.

We're still together for now.
We have vast debts that won't be paid off for another 4 years, and I have no income, so I'm stuck, frankly.

But every day I struggle to compose myself in front of the children and pretend to everyone else that it's all ok.

No one else knows. I have no friends in RL and I'm too humiliated to confide in my family.

Family events are the worst, with everyone assuming we're fine and them laughing and joking with him.

He's fun-loving, sociable and friendly; a devoted father who adores his wife, see.

Everyone loves him.

My Dad would smash his fucking face in if he knew.

Oh Edge ..... Your post made me sad too, (((((hugs))))))). I don't know what the future holds ..... It's all so very raw!

I am torn over throwing my husband out which my inner gut instinct says i must do or fighting for our marriage. I know if I throw him out that is it, I don't forgive him, I don't think I can go back on my word.

He swears blind that nothing physical has gone on, 'she' is a sextext buddy, they both have similar fantasies and he knows I don't share them. Yes he has watched porn in the past , and it's something I have turned a blind eye towards, this is the next step, is it? But to him its the same as watching any other woman. He swore blind this evening that he would never have had actually met her to have sex, and it never once crossed his mind and he made that clear to her from the start.

It's just so disrespectful to what we had ..... I realy am unsure if I believe the fact they have had no physical contact. I read a message from her asking was he interesting in going away and going to a swinging club and he declined the invitation. He says it's not been a regular thing, but to me thats irelevant.

I am just devastated. He has pleaded for us to work it out, told the other woman the texting stops, he has said he will go to a counsellor if it helps us, yet he thinks we have a strong marriage, and it's him that needs the counsellor not me or us. I am broken tonight. I have always thought we were strong, I still am unsure if this is linked to what has gone on with his job, and his depression. I totally believe what stern wrote, but I realy don't see a link in his case. I can't go into it further, I have friends on here, from my real life, if you knew his job you would understand the stresses involved. I a not making excuses for him.

Thinking of you all struggling.

And you mooney, lots of love .... ..... we x posted.

Thankfully, we have no debt, and should I decide to start over, I think my divorce settlement would be pretty sufficient to see me comfortable, I would also lose the control of his family! They could kiss my butt!!!!!

I do have a friend who I shouldered through her husbands affair, and I am just hoping she will shoulder me!

Devastated - you should not worry about going back on your word, you need to tell him that you can't know what you will be feeling in a few months' time, everything is still so raw etc. Remember that HE was the one who broke his wedding vows, HE was the one who fucked your life up, HE was the one who made the choice to step outside his marriage. You are more than entitled to take your time in making long term decisions.

He is right however when he says that his cheating is all about HIM - his ego, his issues, his flaws. Even if you had been the perfect wife, he would still have cheated he does need to go to counselling to sort out himself. You could go to counselling yourself as you need RL support - I found confiding in a few close friends really helped.

mooney - you sound like you need some support - do you want to start your own thread?

Thank you for your kind words.
I can't bring myself to start my own thread just yet though.

Such a sad thread, moonery I'm probably in the same situation as you apart from the fact that my DH won't admit anything happened when I know it did.

I'm the miserable one and I hate it.

MOONERY I can identify with your anger and resentment at your DH behaving like this whilst you weren't struggling along to hold it together.
When my DH was indulging himself with his EA I was personally going through a tough time with worries about money,family illness and failing elderly parents.What was particularly galling is that over the almost 30 years of marriage we had weathered some really tough times together, and I had especially been there for him when he lost his business in the previous recession,and again when he faced redundancy and struggled to get another business off the ground.
It felt such a slap in the face that at a time I needed him most his phone was red hot with secret texts.I was even worried about his sore thumbs and urging him to go to the doctors.Turns out it was RSI from too much texting!
But 2 years on,much indecision initially on my part wether to stay with him, counselling and many ups and downs and we are good and strong and I trust,love and respect him again.

DEVESTATED I'm also so sorry you are going through this ,the shittiest of experiences.
Mooney it won't seem any consolation now but your DH did end his EA ,and sounds to have done the right things by cutting contact and changing jobs.
The hardest thing I found initially is that I only discovered about OW when her DH alerted me to texts found on her phone.I've had to accept I will never know how much longer it would have gone on for, and how much further the pair of them would have taken it.I chose to accept that I found out about it the way I did ,and when I did for a reason and worked from there IYSWIM.But it took months to get to that point.

Ps, Moonery not meaning to diminish your hurt and sadness in anyway.It's irrelevant really how any of us found out ,when we found out, at what stage we found out.A betrayal is a betrayal and it's crap.Hugs to you x

Shorter - I understand 100% your feelings of causing upheaval as I did just that. I printed off the emails, sent them special delivery (£12!) to her husband. The upshot was his daughter emailed me wanting more info and then the husband turned up at my husbands work - he never hit him but he was terrified and I was very smug to say the least. I wanted him and her to suffer like I was, feel the pain, the vomiting, the loss of appetite - every single emotion.....but men don't in my experience. They do have the ability to switch off.

Hector - you're right, they make a conscious decision to do it but we seem to suffer more.

*Mad.. - you made me reflect and I do feel if we didn't have a child I'd have left. But I've never been one to 'stay for the kids' so it's a tough one. The hardest part is that everyone thinks its ok and I'm coping when deep inside I play out these revenge scenarios!

Moonery - everyone loves my husband, mr fun loving, family man - but my parents do know and it shattered them. After a year they now speak to him but only because they felt they'd lose me and the grandchildren. Deep down I know if I turned up with my bags at their door they'd be relieved.

Devastaed Giraffe - mu husband had sextext......and then the next step a year later. A big part of me knows he'll do it again and in a weird way I'll be relieved because it'll be over then, he'll have had his last chance. I sound pathetic don't I - in reality i'm so strong for others, bubbly etc etc but just weak when it comes to me. You hit the nail in the head 'so disrespectful' I find I have no respect for him and even wonder what's good for the goose......

Looks...gravy - I hope this thread helps you in some way, you're not alone and it is sadly so common. Are we looking for perfection that doesn't exist? I hope you get some clarity in time but it is time that is the healer, one way or the other. Be kind to yourself, remember you asked for none of this but you're the one in all the pain right now. Be strong x