After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

Hi Mad - I'm good, thanks....I am fine about the apology & whilst I'd like more love in there, I can see where we are at the moment.

He has agreed to read the book too.

I do feel stronger these days.....I know I don't need him to be happy in my life. And I like the idea of 50/50 with the kids too

Thanks for your responses, yesterday was a rough day, he's a shift worker and it seems when he is on shift I let the negative thoughts in.

shortterm I can see what you say about the timing from the outside but having spoken to them both at length separately I honestly don't think it was that calculated. He has offered to support me practically as much as he can if I decide to end things, at the moment we are giving it a year to see if we can make it work. Some days I want to tell the world what they've done and run away (knowing in our community it would have pretty big consequences), some days I want to make it work and be with him into old age. Most days I just focus on today. I'm not prepared to give up yet. It's hard to know how much credit to give to the fact i know they both felt bad.

thank you gravy being a lovely person has become a double edged sword unfortunately it's something they've both said in their apologies to me, think perhaps a little less nice wouldn't hurt! We've talked a lot about how we feel about each other and I sort of understand, I did something unknowingly that hurt him which is where the confiding in her came from, he has a pretty messed up way of dealing with things which comes out of his childhood and I've seen a few times over the years so perhaps that's why I seem more understanding than you'd expect. I have a few rl friends who know and are supporting us both which is great, but there's only so much I'm prepared to lean on them, they have their own lives.

mos it's hard being in limbo isn't it, though in fairness I'm not entirely sure how I feel about him either. We've both been reading a book called 5 love languages and there's a bit in there that says the inlove feeling you get early on for the first few years just isn't sustainable and when it goes many people don't know how to keep the relationship ticking over on the less intense feelings, that struck a chord with me and I suspect is where the whole I care but I don't know if i love you thing comes from, it fits how I'm feeling about him and seems to fit what he's saying about me. I think you're right to avoid that counsellor, a little bit of me cheered when you said you'd hit him I could imagine the relief that came from it! But it really doesn't sound like she's helped.

moonface were definitely dealing with him mourning her though not the relationship, the friendship they had. I think often the realities of life make people run away, I know neither of them set out to cheat, I've seen the progression so can say that with confidence they were just both running away from the reality of their life. I also wonder whether in her case there was a certain amount of jealousy that I'm having dc4 and her dh seems to be dragging his feet on ttc#1 whilst she's clearly desperate to have her own little one.
As for the note it's not all hearts and flowers but how was your relationship before? Dh seems to think I want overtures of undying love but that's never been him so why would I want it now, that would just be artificial and not the man I fell in love with. I guess I'm wondering if the note fits in the context of your previous (for want of a better word) relationship?

Sorry think this is another long one!

mos can you stop yourself checking up? How did the affair come out? In our case his behaviour gave him away, having spent over ten years flirting with him it was pretty obvious when he was doing that with someone else. I do wonder sometimes what the alerts are but I'm pretty resigned that I can't control his behaviour, if he chose to do it again that's his choice, mine would then be to leave, crap prospects or not, he knows that. I can't stop him behaving that way and I won't tear myself up worrying about it. Sorry your anniversary is coming up, ours is too, don't know about you but I'm finding it pretty painful, doesn't really feel like something I want to celebrate this year, more a marker in some grim endurance test!

newidentity I'm not sure how to stop now I know he has lied and committed adultery. I know he was unfaithful previously to an ex friend so clearly he is 'that sort'.
I'd had suspicions since last December when he left his laptop open and I saw some 'inappropriate' facebook messages. I challenged him at the time and he said there was nothing in it, it was just an old friend. Him then closing his fb account the following day at 6am to me meant there was something in it and that he was hiding something. I challenged him several more times when we started counselling in March but he continued to deny it and even accused me of being paranoid and insecure and it being a figment of my imagination. It was only when reading a thread on here 3 1/2 weeks ago where a poster was asking if she was being paranoid or whether her DH was having an affair that I realised my 'gut' was right. I challenged him several times by email and he still continued to claim it was in my mind and 'what did I think I knew?' he still denied it a few times but when I pushed he finally replied 'he did see someone he used to work with a few years ago'. Still not a proper admission until I phoned him at work and screamed 'did you fuck her?' down the phone at which point he finally said yes which broke my heart. Deep down I'd been convinced that although something was going on it was just flirting. I couldn't believe he could do that to me

So part of my problem is the its not just the adultery, its the months and years of lies. He planned it and lied and covered it for years, that is hard to live with. If he is capable of lying for so long what is to stop him doing it again?

The anniversary is a difficult one. I was so looking forward to it was it was to be our first one actually together in the 7 years of our marriage. Due to his work we were always apart for most of July and August. We had already agreed to go to a nice restaurant on our anniversary (whilst on holiday) but I really don't know how I feel about it. Previous years I'd always given him a card and present but I can't this year. I'm one of those that thinks cards are more important than presents and he often didn't bother so I wonder if he will this year. The last few years he has sent flowers or a pressie ordered via John Lewis but I do wonder what to expect/what he will expect this year. When is your anniversary newidentitiy?

I think I may have been able to move on if I had discovered the ea when it was happening.

I honestly can't forgive the years of lying, I don't think I can get past it.

How do you do it?

I wish I knew the answer to that Scarlet. That is the one thing I really need an answer to and no one can answer.

DH and I have just agreed to go to the counselling session tomorrow night even though I really know he doesn't want to. We'd previously agreed (before the affair came out) that we'd do the one this week then one more when back from holiday and that would be it. He hates going and feels he has wasted over £1,000.

I asked last night what if I needed longer than 2 more sessions and he sighed and said so we keep going which I think is a positive sign although I don't think we can go indefinitely.

I'm going to email the counsellor now and saw we will be going but will tell her that the main pupose for me tomorrow is to find out and understand HOW I can get past this and move on and what HE can do to help me.

I don't know how you get past years of lying - I can reason to myself that H's affair only lasted 3 months & that is hard enough. Particularly in light of what he said to her....

It saddens me that they so willingly fail to really think about the impact of what they are doing. Also, they don't stop to consider that marriages are hard work at times & that they do ebb & flow - you can't maintain that first flush of romance - long term relationships are comfortable & lose elements of lust & infatuation.

Our marriage was ok - I guess we were on autopilot & maybe focusing on our kids too much as well as my H being too wrapped up in work. We were battered by our mc's & some of the intimacy was being neglected. Cuddles, talking etc. Ironically, my H was the one who had always appeared to have the lower sex drive - yet he didn't when he was with her . That distresses me - I wonder whether we aren't sexually compatible or if he's just never fancied me in the right way.

We just had our 11th anniversary. It was hard in some ways - thinking back to last year when I was heavily pg with DD2 & how life seemed very content.

This year we took the kids out on the actual day & didn't exchange cards or presents. We spent the following day together & stayed in a lovely hotel. It was nice & we didn't talk about the situation.

I do find it hard to not constantly look at him & think about the affair - who he was with her & how she got the best of him in some ways - the infatuation, focus & his individed attention. I don't think she liked sharing him & the fact that when push can to shove, he chose me & the kids. I'd still love to be able to slap her or for her life to go tits up.

I also wonder how much he actually wishes that he'd met her instead of me.

And on bad days, I'd love to turf him out & for my life to turn out fantastic whilst his descends into misery....

The limbo state is horrible. I feel at times like I'm waiting for my H to come back to me as the man I know. I also know that my love for him dies a bit day by day.

oh moonface, do you really think it dies a little bit each day ?

MOS - I think we're just at that ambivalent stage really. It's been almost 3 months since I found out & we've done the hysterical bonding, the limbo, the extreme emotions & the falling apart. I just think this might be the next stage of it all.

It's tempting to give up but I do recognise that this may be one of the hardest stages so whilst I feel like my love may be dying bit by bit, I don't trust that it will stay that way.

Sheer determination & tenacity is what is required right now..... I also need to start focusing my energy on things for me & take time to recharge my exhausted batteries.

I do still love him - I guess I just get disheartened at times & it's an uphill struggle.

I hope that one day maybe me & DH can look back on this as the best-worst thing that happened to us.

(((hugs))))
I think I might be almost at the same stage as you but I'm only 3 weeks and 4 days into it (when do we stop counting?)

Yes, determination, we must have lots of that. I'm just going to sign up for another evening class from september. Want/need to do something for me and meet new people. I had wanted to go back to work but its proving much harder than I thought which is another kick to my confidence. I've been rejected for jobs I could do with my eyes closed and I know its because I had a long career break.

I've just had a huge wobble. Was going through my old emails doing a cull as I'd hundreds of saved ones I didn't need. I found one which was clearly sent by me to DH when I was abroad and he was back home on business and he was seeing that whore. It was a 'goodnight' email, sorry didn't catch you online, you're obviously busy, catch up tomorrow type thing. With hindsight, that must have been when he was meeting her. It was early in the evening (due to time difference of where I was) and I keep wondering why I wasn't concerned/disappointed he didn't reply and why I didn't phone him on his mobile. If I had, maybe I'd have got him before he met her or when he first was with her in a bar before he took it too far. Maybe speaking to me might have made him realise what a mistake he was making? what if what if

moonface I have the same hopes as you that maybe, just maybe this can make us stronger.

Right, honest question for us all. who has thought about doing the same, to level the playing field as it were?

mos - I did it. Well actually I got my retaliation in first - 18 years ago. it was nothing but some outrageous flirting, some belly flipping moment and a huge ego boost. Went on for a month or so. Never even kissed him. My OM (if he could even be called that) blew it by getting horribly serious and telling me was leaving his GF and telling me to divorce DH. I ran screaming and left my job asap. DH's went further. But it had given me some insight into the way your brain works when someone else is giving you attention. There is no excuse of course. But I can't utterly condemn him as I've been, if not there, in a similar place. So no, I would not reciprocate.

"I have the same hopes as you that maybe, just maybe this can make us stronger." I think that is where we are. It feels as if DH's affair was the hard kick up the arse that we both needed. We are feeling our way but we are building a different and better relationship. I still have bruises. So does DH. I have bad moments. We had been so careless and callous towards each other over the last few years. His affair meant that we both have had a chance to realise just how much and to do something about it.

Fingers crossed. Still early days though.

I coildnt ever imagine being able to cheat on my family, knowing now that because of him my girls have an unhappy mummy, a mummy that lies in bed all morning and let's them fend for themselves because she is to sad right now to start another day.

I did the lottery for the first time ever last week in the hope that I could pay our debts and buy me and the DC a flat, I know it's a phase but I feel so depressed, like I'm slowly drowning.

God, I had to giggle then - YES! I think if doing it to him ALL the time......and it pains me to think of having had 2 crushes whilst married & I thought about crossing the line, but I could never do it. Hated the thought of hurting him & the guilt it would have made me feel.

I have a little fantasy of getting chatting to some gorgeous man whose been through the same thing & it builds from there. Then my H realises how much he loves me & what an utter fuck-up he's been at about the time I tell him that I've met someone who blows him out of the water!!!!

Wouldn't do it though. I'm enjoying the moral high ground enormously

Sorry to hear about the email... You think you're doing ok & then get blindsided, don't you? I saw a card in a shop this morning that I probably would have bought for my H or he would have got it for me - I felt so sad....

Hugs to you too & fingers crossed that this will make our marriages stronger (Alternatively, Johnny Depp is now on the market )......

I have had offers but I couldn't consider cheating - my self esteem is pretty high (although it took a huge hit) and anyway two wrongs does not make a right.

Those who would consider cheating are those who have issues that need addressing.

Scarlet - I think you need to see a GP to see if you can get some help.

oh don't get me wrong, although it crossed my mind, I wouldn't or couldn't do it. I just thought, maybe he'd realise how I feel. This has come up so many times in counselling and during talks between us. How would HE feel if I'd done what he had done? Initially it was the 'I'm sure you'd have had your reasons' bollox but I think he has given it a bit more thought recently.

Johnny Depp?

Scarlet - hugs to you too. That is the part of this that makes me so mad.....it's so hard to give your kids attention when you have days like that. Those days are dreadful, but they will lesson in time.

I use Passiflora by Vogel to help me - it helps with stress & feeling low. Order it online.

Unfortunately, I am smoking again & drinking more booze than I used to (didn't touch much at all before this, so it's not too bad). However, I'm in size 8 jeans & am looking hotter than I have in a few years, so every cloud has a silver lining!

MOS - yes, I've said to my H, how would you feel? But they can't quite grasp it really. Empathy tends to take a back seat for mine at times, partly because he doesn't like what all of this says about him as a person.

But I guess we are all capable of it, even if we think we aren't. Lust & being made to feel like you are amazing is intoxicating & very, very powerful....

Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends) is the one that most people rate on MN.

Shirley Glass is good as is Andrew G Marshalls "How can I ever trust you again"

Also goasksuzie.com is a good website

Second the recommendation for Not Just Friends by Glass. I also think Linda Macdonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal was pretty good - its more for the cheater.

Not too keen on Marshall's book though.