After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

Have read 50 Shades - tbh, I'd rather read Shirley Glass . All that talking to her subconscious (which is impossible, what with being her subconscious and all) and her inner goddess. Not to mention her being the most orgasmic woman ever (despite going from virginity to bdsm in one fell swoop), got right on my tits!

That said, I would be much happier if I didn't have to read Shirley Glass.

I put my copy on the kindle, so it wouldn't be obvious what I was reading.

I think I will read the Glass book that everyone seems to highly recommend. Thought about trying to download onto my kindle and take on holiday in a few days but probably best not to. will wait til I get back and then take my time to read it.

Something odd happened earlier. I was going through my FB ready to have a bit of a cull as a lot of 'friends' on there aren't really friends anymore so I thought I'd have a deleting session. Anyway, DH came up!

Weird as he had closed his FB account ages ago. I thought it was December but it wasn't, it was February. Anyway, it was back but in new stupid timeline format. I checked his 'friends' and she was not there so he had obviously deleted her before he closed it.

I then had a look and what struck me as really really odd was that when I looked at the timeline, he had added loads of family photos, lots of him holding the kids, smiling down at them, cuddling them and even a few of us (I'm rarely in photos as I'm normally taking them or too self-concious to be in them). Anyway, he'd put them on within a few weeks of when I know he slept with that whore. what does that mean? He phoned earlier and I commented on it and he said that maybe it meant he was really guilty inside when he didn't think he was. Initially he'd said he wasn't guilty as he thought I'd never find out.

Am I reading too much into this or has he really been feeling guilty all this time and did have feelings? agghhhh!

I think that putting the photos up, if that's something he doesn't normally do, does seem like a sign of feeling guilty. Or maybe a new found appreciation of what he has and what he's risked losing. Is it possible that OW would see them (photos are not private, are they, so even non friends could access them) and he was sending her a message that he is trying to rebuild his family?

Is his fb disabled now or has it been reactivated?

MOS - you know him better than we do. Have you ever previously thought that he was the sort of person who could betray you with no sense of guilt whatsoever? Could he have been in denial while it was going on?

DH and I had a chat at the weekend and while he said he hadn't felt guilty at the time having stuck OW and I/family in different boxes, the reality was that he did and that he had managed to mix up guilt with the feelings he had for her.

shorter thats exactly what I thought/was hoping, that he realised what he had and was trying to re-build it (but in a very odd way as he was, and now accepts that he was emotionally distant and withdrawn).

Yes, she was on his FB, up until at least December last year and he put the photos on within a few weeks of sleeping with her. I double checked the dates. She would have seen them all then. He hardly had any piccies on before but put up lots of him hugging and kissing the kids and smiling and laughing. He is adamant he hasn't seen her since those two nights in a hotel which was a few weeks before the photos were put up although they had kept in touch via email/fb. Don't know what to think really

He said his fb was deactived and I know it was as I had checked a few times but it was there today and he asked me to send a 'test' message to him to check it. He was adamant he hadn't activated it again (and I know he can't have access at work) so am wondering if its because its changed to this new timeline? I've avoided timeline but just noticed that mine has kicked in today!
To be honest, its not a bad thing him having it back as I can keep an eye on him.

I'm having such an angry day, I get to go spend the morning in the same room as the pair of them and right now all I want to do is scream and shout and tell the world what they've done. She's so fucking ashamed of herself she hasn't even told her best friend what she's done, best friend has asked her if I'm ok though, I really really feel like telling her no I'm not and exactly why this morning. I'm fed up of covering over when people ask me what's wrong, why the hell am I keeping their secret. sorry I will come back and reply properly later I just really needed to vent, might just avoid losing it completely now.

New - not sure if I understood your post, but did you spend the morning with your H and OW? why?

New, are you ok, why were you in the same room as them? (sorry you are here, I havnt said hi before) I think I am on week 2 of finding some crap texts.

My hardest factor is my husband isn't the talking kind, it's always been hard to get conversation and feelings out of him. My sil said yesterday in 16 years she has probably had 2 conversations with him, she said he isn't rude, but he just doesnt have much to say. (he talks constantly in his job and comes home to just switch off).

We are reading the shirley glass book together. We read a chapter then discuss. Must admit I was dreading the questionnaires. good idea about downloading it, we have it on our iPhones, the iPad and the itouch, but I also bought the book as a constant reminder to us, it's on the bookshelves.

Up to this point I would go to bed alone and he used to work some evenings either in the office or in the study here, he has moved his desk into our bedroom, and all his home office stuff, last night I went to bed, and he worked next to me while I slept, as he needed to send a few emails. I have him home for 3 weeks on annual leave, so we are planning on doing a lot of reading, around the children.

Who was it who commented on the weight loss, I've lost 1/2 stone!

My RL friend has been fantastic, but she has been through it, and At a far worse degree than I.

Dh has never used Facebook, think I am extremely relieved over that!

New, lovely you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. I'm not sure why you would be spending the morning with both of them, but you don't have to. Honestly, I would cut OW out of your life completely - she is not your friend.

And you don't have to keep their secret if you don't feel like it. You don't owe them secrecy or discretion or anything really. If you want to keep it quiet for your own sake, then fair enough, but don't do it for theirs - they have no right to expect that from you if it is putting you under pressure.

She should feel fucking ashamed. I would tell her friends - let her squirm a bit, because they will judge her and it will alter how they think of her and how they include her in their lives. If I had a friend who behaved like that, I would think twice about welcoming into my home. She deserves to feel those consequences from her other friends.

Sorry I had to get that out of my system somewhere it was here or in front of the dc. No haven't yet but will be in about half an hour, it's hard to explain without outing myself to friends I know use mn (but who I don't think know I do), but there's sort of an expectation within our community to be involved in things, for either of us not to go would be noticed, but I've done this every week since I found out, it's ok, I was just feeling really angry and needed to get it out sorry.

newidentity I don't understand either but hope you get through today ok.

devestated My DH doesn't talk much either but do any of them really?
I'm thinking of buying the Shirley Glass book but not sure DH would be 'happy' to read it. I think his position is it has happened, he has (finally!) admitted it and we need to try to move on, not keep going over and over it and disecting it time and time again.

It was probably me with the weight loss. I lost 7lb in the first week I found it and another 2lb since. I had 2 1/2 stone to lose anyway and at one point screamed at him why didn't he fuck 4 more whores and I'd get to goal I just couldn't eat at first, nothing would stay down and I lived on coffee. I'm eating normally(ish) now but don't really have much of an appetite.

We had odd conversations last night about the FB thing and looked through the photos he'd put on together. I will be raising this with counsellor tonight but it does seem as if him putting all the family photos, particularly the ones with him cuddling the kids and smiling down at them in their first baby photos was his way of saying/reminding himself that he was a family man. The OW would have seen them as she was on his FB. After the discussion last night it was as if we had moved forward as he seemed to accept he always knew what he had done was wrong. Just wish I knew why he'd been so distant with me since then, no doubt the guilt.

Had a mini mid life crisis last night and got my friend to colour my hair. I've been blonde for best part of 20 years and suddenly decided to go darker! Got home about 10.30pm last night and DH had waited up and loved it. I had a shock this morning though when I looked in the bathroom mirror!

Anway, hope everyone is doing ok x

Mos I gave my dh no choice on the book, I still think he thinks everything is going to be ok as I havnt thrown him out. But I honestly have no idea how I can ever trust him again.

What happens next time he goes away to a Hotel? I havnt even hit angry mode yet!

Opposite to you, I am going lighter today!

I didn't lose any bloody weight I think that is because I drank wine to replace the food....

Bad day today. Woke at 5 in tears from a horrible dream - DH had decided to live with both of us but I was basically there to be chief cook and bottle-washer while he and she cuddled on the sofa. Felt so angry with him again - took a while to shake off that feeling. I guess my subconscious is hanging on to the feelings I thought I had got rid of. Early days...

I was actually happy yesterday. Dh is taking more responsibility for things and I am letting him. Part of what our problems were was that I over-controlled and he felt superfluous.

WOuld love to get off the roller-coaster. Any time soon would be good.

Orm - its a good opportunity to lay down the foundations for a more equal marriage,I used to organise everything (I can be a bit controlling but then would moan about having to do it all) but DH has now taken more responsibility and it does feel good :)

I'm thinking of buying the Shirley Glass book but not sure DH would be 'happy' to read it. I think his position is it has happened, he has (finally!) admitted it and we need to try to move on, not keep going over and over it and disecting it time and time again.

The problem with sweeping things under the carpet (which naturally all cheaters prefer to do) is that the cheater does not get the opportunity to understand what made him do these things, what his issues are and to work on his personality flaws and boundaries. Not doing these things makes the cheater vulnerable to cheating again. You both need to address the vulnerabilities in your marriage and agree on boundaries.

oh ormi how awful, what a terrible dream. It is very early days for all of us and from what I've read, we're going to have 'wobbly moment's and our DH's have to understand that and deal with it accordingly.

I told DH yesterday I was upset that when I was crying in bed the night before he turned his back on me and went to sleep. He said he just didn't know what to do and was worried he'd make it worse if he tried to cuddle me. He now knows to try the cuddle first and if I twat him he should then turn away I think communication in these early weeks, months is of paramount importance.

devestated good luck with the hair colour! I've been blonde for so well but know OW/whore has very short cropped bleached blonde hair and although at one point I thought of getting my long hair cut short I've decided on long and dark. Really had a wobble just now when looked in mirror but a few of the ladies at DS's nursery said how good it looked and DH has said a few times he loves it.

mos - DH had tried not to be defensive and allow me to be as angry as I wish. But there were times when he did react negatively - human nature I guess, but he always apologised. It got better when he stopped protecting OW from my anger. I know it wasn't all her fault but turning my anger on her was safer than turning it on him and when I was allowed to really hate her and express that, I seemed to let some of it go. I had about 3 days of wanting to kill her and then it passed.

Dh had been asked on a night out with two mates (male) both of whom have known us a couple for years. One was his best man at our wedding. The other is married to a good friend of mine. They have both told him via text he is a twat and unbeleivably lucky not to have had his knackers cut off and been thrown out! He hasn't seen either of them since his affair came out. I suspect they are going to give him a talking to - bloody hope so

"I think his position is it has happened, he has (finally!) admitted it and we need to try to move on, not keep going over and over it and disecting it time and time again."

Is it now?

How very convenient. For him.

This is the attitude of every non-sorry cheat.

Who is the "we" he wants to move on?

He's known about this for years. You just found out.

But instead of doing whatever he can to help you move on, he is demanding that you do it in the way that suits him.

You will need to talk about what happened. His denial of that need is massively selfish.

Kind of like having the affair in the first place.

You were crying and he turned away and went to sleep?

That is seriously cruel.

He just wants you to get over it and stop moaning.

He's not sorry at all.

Sorry that really wasnt very coherent this morning, felt better for it though! We live in a community directly attached to dh work and there's a get together once a week that we've gone to for the last 3 years, not going would be noticed and at the same time I have other friends there that I'm not willing to lose touch with to avoid her. I was just feeling angry that what used to be something I really enjoyed has turned into a chore. I don't actually want to tell anyone, more for me and her dh than anything else but at times the thought of revenge that way helps.

Interesting to see I'm not the only one considering a change in hair colour/style etc, just not sure what to go for, that's where my name came from more than them its about the fact I want to make myself happy in my own right and to do that some aspects of 'who I am' need to change.

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day orm I wonder if sometimes the good days will trigger a low day, that's how I was last night, had some good news yesterday and we had a nice evening where I felt close to him then this morning I just wanted to scream. there seems to be a few of us who felt we were in the driving seat too, I didn't want to be in charge, but that's how things fell, and like yours he felt unneeded while I felt put upon. Hope his night out helps, I know a mutual friend of ours has spoken to dh and it seemed to help.

Just back from a nice lunch with DH and was feeling quite positive but feeling really now having read some of the posts above.
Feel maybe I am being taken for an idiot although I had honestly believed he was genuinely sorry. I guess with all the lying that has gone on I'll never really know.

Another one who's had a haircut - lopped the lot off, partly in response to reading one of his emails where he was waffling on about OW hair - wow, just wow is what he said. And it felt good for me not to give a fuck about whether he liked my hair or not

They do tend to want to sweep it under the carpet. We have hit a point where we are trying to deal with what was going on in our marriage for my H to think it was acceptable to do what he did. Whilst we both agree is was a shitty thing to do & no way to deal with marital problems, we are now hitting a stage where the focus is predominantly on trying to salvage & rebuild our relationship. I do understand how affairs happen if there is a feeling of discontent - unfortunately they add another layer of shit to what you have to deal with.

My H had been unhappy on & off for years - we had some awful things knock our marriage & he took the escapist route. I have no idea if we can get to a point where we can rebuild a better marriage. In some ways, I am coming off the rollercoaster of the affair....we will deal with the issues around that as & when they appear, but I am trying to focus on what we need to do to try to work out what went wrong.

Of course, it's all intertwined & the fact that my very trustworthy & loyal H did what he did tells me that he fucked up in many ways. Not having the balls to tell me how he was feeling & allowing himself to think it was ok to do what he did.

Whether this means that our marriage is a lost cause, I just don't know. I think there's a very real danger that my H is trying to find something that doesn't exist - fill some kind of hole in him that only he can fill. He's neglected his interests, & a balanced life for too long, as well as not trying to confront & deal with our perceived problems.

mos - I guess only you will know when you know enough. It might not be a question of hearing everything, just accepting that he had told you enough. That you have enough truth to go on with iyswim. Don't let anyone else's experience colour yours.

MOS - I do not want to be too sympathetic towards your H, but it takes time for these habits of lying, being selfish and entitled to stop. As part of the process he needs to be challenged each time he says/do something wrong.

If he is really sorry and wants to commit himself to his marriage then he has to accept your terms and conditions - at least if he refuses, you know that its over and you won't need to waste any more time and energy on him.