After infidelity - those who are still with their partners

[Looksgoodingravy]

We are working through it, it's been four months, we have better days than bad, I know things will never be the same again and there are chinks of normality coming back into our lives again, I'm hoping we will be stronger than before, it will be different. I know my dp is deeply deeply sorry for the hurt he's caused, he's working hard to build those bridges.

My question I suppose is have you forgiven your partner? I know I'll never forget but I know I've got to forgive so that I can move on, I know I will forgive when I feel ready to but is it a necessary step to take...I'm just letting some sad feelings out tonight, I feel sad for the 17 years we had before I found out, seems a lovely carefree time now not one wrapped in pain and hurt.. time to move on and bring the good bits back into my life.

I feel I've had more support on this thread than the 5 months of counselling which clearly was a complete waste of money.

I've had a very up and down day. We took the little ones out for the day to go and see Angelina Ballerina which DH booked a few months ago. I was completely distracted through the show and kept thinking about how he could have done what he did. I'm past the 'why?' bit now and accept that it was down to him needing to feel better about himself and that he 'could still do it'. Midlife crisis bollocks. I'm now struggling to understand how he could have done it if he loved me then. Kids fell asleep in car on way back and we had words again and it turns out his whore happened to be a bridesmaid at his wedding! I knew the whore was good friends with his ex wife but feel that is a bit sick.

Anyway, I will carry on trying to work through this and see where I am in a few weeks/months. I've made it clear, one more lie, just one, don't even care what its about but it is over.

I'm going to prepare a 'confession statement' tomorrow and ask him to sign it and if at any point in the next few weeks or months I reach the point where I know there will be no turning back I will be ready to do get the petition issued based on his adultery. I am taking control.

Hope everyone had 'ok' weekends x

MOS - I totally understand the control issue. I think because we bumbled along with our lives without a clue to the devastation about to unfold it helps to know that nothing will take us by surprise again and if god forbid anything like this did happen again we would be prepared sad as that may sound x

MOS - my OW did one of the readings at our wedding and vice versa (DH at her wedding), so can understand where you are coming from.

I am with you re the lying - I am now very intolerant of lying in general, because that was a trait my DH displayed before the affair (mostly minor stuff like what he ate/drank/spent).

Its good that you both are talking lots - on top of the counselling, we spent hours talking during the first few months after discovery.

Do you think its common to 'mood swing' as much as I am. One minute I think/hope things will be ok and the next I want to rush off and issue divorce proceedings.

One thing I'm really annoyed about is that old friends of his (who are now godparents to our little boy who is 3) left a message on our answerphone a few days ago wanting to catch up and DH is due to call them back. He clearly intends to say everything is 'cool' with us which is bollocks. I'm even more annoyed as it seems that this guy was best man at his first wedding so clearly knows the whore who was bridesmaid. I don't expect him to broadcast his infidelity to all and sundry but I do want him to be honest and not lie about things and pretend everything is ok when it clearly isn't.

MOS - yes my counsellor said that the mood swings were totally normal, it's the way we deal with processing the information. Some days I'll swing back and forward, I'll remember the exact moment dp sat down with me to confess everything (after being drip fed information over a three week period) one minute and then I'll revisit all the little details he told me, this can happen on and off throughout a day. On another day I'll feel much better and life can almost feel normal, I'll stop occasionally thinking I haven't thought much about it today and i'll feel great! Luckily dp is being patient (no other way to be) and he's willing to talk and talk when I'm having a bad day.

Dp told all my family and our close group of friends what he'd done. His real close friend lives abroad but he's spoke to him via phone, he's told his parents too. My two close friends also know and this has been a life saver, they haven't scorned me for staying with dp, they've just been fantastic and I urge any of you who have not told anyone to at least get support from those you feel closest too. There are still lots of people who don't know so I can understand how this could feel MOS but the people who mean the most to us know and that's the most important thing for me.

yes real life support is important, I don't know what I would have done without my best girl friends...and mood swings are very normal. You will find that as time goes on, these become less frequent though.

DH does sound awful, doesn't he?

To add a bit of balance, he did end the affair when I found out (2 months ago) & has been seeing a counsellor. He has said that he is truly sorry & would never do it again as he has seen how badly it has affected me & it has been the biggest headfuck of his life.

He was always such a good guy & would be horrified to hear of people cheating. That's why it's so unbelievable that he has done it.

Our marriage was ok - we've been battered by some terrible things & I can see that we were on autopilot, but that doesn't excuse what he did. I can see how vulnerabilities in a marriage can lead to affairs but I still think that it is never the route to go down.

In some ways, I think that the way he reacts at times during our discussions is a mixture of things - I genuinely think that he is so appalled by it that he isn't ready to really face up to the true devastation he has caused & what it says about him. I also wonder whether he is resentful that he had to stop his affair & lost his regular ego boost & escape from reality. He is way more selfish than I ever, ever thought.

The compartmentalising from working away has allowed him to have 2 lives.

I don't know if I will ever get past this & I am giving myself a deadline. I have a few things that I'd like him to do & if he farts about resisting those, then I know that it's over for me. I'm not frightened about being on my own & I'm hanging in there for the sake of my kids & so I know that I really did try to work through it.

I have ALL the books! I also know that I'm a lot stronger that I ever thought I was.

His affair was about his lack of self-esteem, his selfishness & his lack of integrity. He hates the fact that people will be judging him - after all he did it when DD2 was just 4 months old. He has caused hurt to me, his parents, the OW (who was stupid enough to get involved with a married man) & now people don't think he's the nice guy anymore.

I found a website - goasksuzie.com - and there was a bit about how one bad decision doesn't cancel out all the other good decisions. We have been together for 14 years & he had been pretty selfless & loyal during that time. I try to see that as I know we can all make (big) mistakes.

But he is on borrowed time & if I don't get more of what I need he can piss off & see if a whole new life (there seems to be an element of midlife crisis going on) makes him any happier - I guess he'll realise that life supporting his family financially with limited access to his kids won't be so much of a walk in the park. The devastation this will cause to his beloved DD1 who is 6 will hit him hard too.

I still look at him on a daily basis & think "who are you?"........

oh god, I can relate to the 'who are you'. I just can't get my head round the whore being his ex-wife's best friend/bridesmaid. That really creeps me out. We've talked/rowed about it tonight and he honestly can't see what the issue is. I think I could understand/accept if he'd got drunk and it just happened but he had planned it for weeks, if not months. I know he arranged to meet her at least a week before he did and booked the hotel and when I just asked him if he knew he was going to have sex with her and was looking forward to it whilst playing happy families with us he said yes!

I can't do this, I have told him I will be sending him a confession statement to sign tomorrow and when I'm ready, I will be issuing divorce proceedings on his adultery. He had the cheek to get angry and say he wasn't going to be bullied into this so I said I'd go ahead anyway and if he fucked me around I'd name the whore (totally against all advice I used to give to people) Am still so very angry (can you tell?) that he thinks its out now and he can move on.

Wankers we deserve so much better than this

I still look at him on a daily basis & think "who are you?"........

I used to scream that at my H...

Now I don't bother

It's all so draining isn't it aBit and he makes me feel bad for nt getting over it in a week or two and makes comments about me not wanting to share a bed with him

I defiantly haven't felt the hysterical bonding, I'm just plain hysterical.

Scarlett xxx

Just know, that his behaviour does not determine your worth.

It is hard enough for me, knowing that my H had sexually explicit conversations with OW and looked at photos of them - I would be unable to cope if he had actively planned hotel stays with them and actual sex. Have asked him repeatedly if he has had sex and he swears not - I do believe him, but I never thought I would have to be asking him that, ever.

Like you guys, I go for hours without actively thinking of it, but it does hover at the edges of my mind, ready to blindside me at unexpected moments. Part of me is so very angry - I have been loyal and supportive and this is what I got in return. Like all of you I have wondered who I am married to - I don't know the man who could have done this to me. It does help though, knowing that my dh is so very truly sorry and is determined that this won't happen again.

The "who are you" is something everyone seems to do & it's so upsetting.

Our hysterical bonding has disappeared. I just don't feel close to him at all. We are trying to do some nice stuff together but I just feel like I'm acting & he has no idea what is going on in my head.

Partly to see if he actually gives a shit or notices my withdrawal. Partly to see if not talking about the affair everyday actually makes things any better.

I have given him a 7 week course in fondness & admiration task from one of John Gottmans books. The irony being that I am sat here this morning trying desperately to think of 1 characteristic that I find endearing or loveable about him. My mind is blank

I think I am at the stage where I just don't like him at the moment. At all.

Is this normal? Or am I approaching the epiphany moment where I just ask him to go?

I just don't know if he's even worth fighting for anymore. Since he first did the "I'm not sure how I feel about you" thing back in March, I've been trying to be positive or dissect things. Until the affair came out in May.

I found conversations between him & her on his email - the things that he said to her that he's never said to me. He told her that he'd never felt like this about anyone! Well, why the fuck did they not disappear off into the sunset when I found out? If she was so fucking brilliant (other gems - her perfect breasts, the best eyes ever, having the best sex ever), why did he dump her??

Apparently he didn't compare me to her either - mmmmm, strange that the above statements are comparisons? Stupid twat

God, angry day here - think I may have PMT too....

Chin up ladies - wherever we all end up, we'll be Superwomen by the time we get to through it

DH is sorry. Very sorry. As soon as I found out he was sorry. And over the last 5 weeks we have been over everything in detail and I have found out enough that I can move on (I think). Questions do occur to me now but I give myself a few minutes to think it over and decide if I really need to know - more often than not I can decide that actually it doesn't matter, it's irrelevant to me. It's quite liberating. But I am aware that this situation may change. My moods fluctuate constantly.

One thing I have had to come to terms with is while his affair was going on he felt no guilt at all. He managed to behave as if OW and I lived in different worlds and couldn't affect each other. The only time he admits to having felt uncomfortable was when she came to our house, when he was, out to drop something in and I invited her in for coffee. He said he felt that was taking the piss I still sometimes wish I could reach back into the past and inject some consciousness of the wrongness of what he was doing in to him. But nothing he or I can do will change what has happened. That lesson has been the hardest for me to learn.

moonface - I don't think I could have got over finding emails like that DH said he never talked about me to her or about our marriage. I think that is probably true. He has a very strong if somewhat malformed loyalty gene. He says she was never as physically attractive to him as me, but I do wonder what else he said about her in the texts that I never saw. Gaaaarrgghhhh! Brain bleach - that way madness lies....

moonface I could have written some parts of your post. I suppose I'm relieved I didn't see all the emails between DH and the bitch although he has admitted what some of the contents were and I'm struggling very much with that. Last night him admitting that he had planned to have sex with her and was looking forward to it was a kick in the teeth.

I also don't believe he didn't tell her that our marriage was crap/going through a bad time/I didn't understand him/we weren't having sex. He said that she had been telling him how awful things were at home for her so hard to believe he didn't say something along similar lines.

I think I am approaching the part when I say enough, and he has to go. We had the hysterical bonding the first week or so but now I struggle to look at him. He was so cold again last night when I was sobbing and then puking in the bathroom through the shock of it all. I feel that he thinks he has got away with it. He hid it for years, openly admitting to me and counsellor afterwards that he thought he'd got away with it and just two days later I take the bastard back and he has more sex in a week than we'd previously had in months, if not years. How stupid am I? No matter how much 'bonding' we do, nothing will ever take away what he did

moonface, I think that if I had seen emails like that, I wouldn't even be trying to repair the damage - I just wouldn't want to. That level of betrayal is utterly breathtaking.

From what I saw, the conversations my dh had were pretty base, but not deep iyswim - there was no reference to me at all and he swears I was never discussed, that there was no emotional bonding. Like you Orm, I am haunted by what I didn't see. However painful, I am someone who prefers to know all there is to know and I hate the feeling of not knowing everything about my own life.

You are right though, Orm. The past cannot be changed, however much we wish it. I don't want this to define me and dh - that would give too much power to these OW over my life, which I do not want them to have.

I have also stopped hating the OW. In fact I feel weak and a bit despicable that I did. She is a truly sad and damaged individual who deserves my sympathy. But sadly, much as DH and I would have done to support her, that boat has sailed, especially with regard to DH.

" However painful, I am someone who prefers to know all there is to know and I hate the feeling of not knowing everything about my own life." I was there too. I even wrote a list of questions to ask him (edited and appended by MN) and he answered them. It wasn't nice but it lanced the boil. Then I reached a point where I knew enough and the rest was irrelevant. However it's still early days and I am not going to be surprised if the anger and need to know comes back.

MOS - so sorry to hear things are still grim.

Its so easy for them to say they are sorry and will do whatever it takes but many are too weak and not man enough to cope with the fall out.

After the initial relief/hysterical bonding stage, you do get to the stage where you think is it worth it? I know I did think how much easier it would be to tell him to leave and I could then move on - I would have done so if it wasn't for our history which includes 20 years of a happy relationship.

I am another one who wanted to know the details (except for the really intimate stuff although I did ask if they had anal as I needed to know what risks they took with regards to sexual health).

It wasn't easy but I did feel kind of better afterwards as I was no longer torturing myself with questions and what my imagination came up with was far worse than reality.

Sorry you're having a really rough time at the moment MOS

Moonface - it must have been devastating reading what your dh sent to the ow I only had a few texts to go off, texts dp thought he had deleted but I knew I'd stumbled upon something which was going to cause me pain. The texts I found were from the ow I never got to see dp reply to them.

MadAbout - I'm so glad you've posted your comment about after the hysterical bonding stage. We are definitely over that stage and it almost feels like at times my real feelings are surfacing, my 'how the f* could you do this to me' feeling but I then have to remember how he's acted since I found out, that keeps me going really, we've got 17 years behind us, I think dp's bubble has been well and truly burst and the reality of all that he's done has come crashing down around him.

I think the men in our lives have had the ability to compartmentalise although I find it hard imaging how dp could have done such a thing. How do they do it? Is it easier for men than women?

Oh and as with everything in my life I wanted to know ALL of the details, however painful they were. Unfortunately dp can't remember all of the text content although he did try to retrieve the texts at the time of revelation (since changed his mobile number). I think this is possibly my only stumbling block at the moment but I do believe that he's telling me the truth here, he's remembered some of them but I can imagine there were lots and to expect someone to remember everything is asking alot I suppose.

Orm - I want to stop hating the O (women) but find it really hard not to at the moment, espcially the one who messaged me a reply stating that if I had fucked dp he wouldn't have looking elsewhere. I need to let it go, at some point I hope I will, I don't want them invading my head space anymore.

Hi all, I am 5 months Since finding out dh had an affair, I too have the mood swings many of u speak about and the chapter of Alice in wonderland goes through my head loads .....

Chapter 5
Advice from a Caterpillar
The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice.
"Who are you?" said the Caterpillar.
This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, "I - I hardly know, sir, just at present - at least I know who I was when I got up this being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing."

I am at the stage where I am wondering is all the pain worth it...dh has answered all my questions, is being very loving, thoughtful, brought me a diamond ring and a card the other week and gave it to me crying and again saying how sorry he is. Comes to a point where I wonder if anything he does will be good enough? For me, it's about being able to accept what he has done, not the person he is being as I have always loved him deep down... I sometimes look at him and feel such resentment and bitterness, and then I look at him and feel sorry for him and he does have a huge emotional neediness that wasn't being met by me due to two young children. We totally lost the way, difference is I didn't go f*ck someone else and it makes me so angry ...

He said he started off looking at his friends going out all the time and wanted to be part of it, he went out more and more then developed a friendship with a barmaid.... The rests history , he was extremely selfish though. What are the list of stages everyone s