partner leaving to work abroad

[chloe2727]

not sure if i should even be on this site but really need someone to talk to...my partner of 8 years is leaving to take a job abroad for 2 years...we have no children together although i have children of my own..they have all left home apart from the youngest who is 17. neither of us have ever been married and started living together within months of meeting.

he is taking a job in the most remotest place i can think of...the island of st helena..its a 9 hour flight on an RAF plane then another 2 days on an RAF boat to even get there...he leaves in 4 weeks

he has said i should go with him...but i also have 5 small grandchildren all aged under 4...my kids live 5 minutes away from us.

i cant leave my family behind...my children and grandchildren are my world and i couldnt imagine not being able to hold any one of them even for a day.

when he leaves i wont see him for a whole year as he can only take 30 days leave from the island at the end of july next year..

he says he will still pay the household bills from his end...and talks as though he will be coming home.

i know im probably sounding silly...but my heart is breaking at the thought of him leaving..he is my soul mate,my hope for the future..

i cant begin to imagine how i will live my life without him...im counting the days until he leaves..i feel like my world has come to an end..i have an ache in my heart that wont go away, i cant stop crying, i go to bed with a broken heart and wake up feeling the same way...i know it sounds crazy and probably not the right thing to say...but to me it seems like im just waiting for him to die...he says all these things about how hes doing it for us and how he will be back and i so desperately want to believe him but my mind wont let me (been hurt so bad in the past)

i have no friends to lean on for support and my children just dont seem to understand the pain im feeling...

please please please tell me how i can survive this

"It is not evident that this man is selfish at all"

anotherteacher - Do you not consider applying to jobs overseas in secret selfish when you have a partner of 8years?

OP

Your partner is going. He has made a decision and what you must decide now is if you want to hang on for two years to see if he returns, or whether you would like to make a fresh start now.

People on this board are arguing about whether your partner was in the wrong. Nobody is in the wrong to have dreams and ambitions. However, I do believe the way that your partner has gone about this is wrong. When you are in a relationship you may have to make compromises or even sacrifices, but each partners feelings and thoughts should be taken in a consideration when you are in a relationship. It was selfish of your partner to have not discussed this with you even if you were aware he had some sort of ambition.

Do you not consider applying to jobs overseas in secret selfish when you have a partner of 8years

By the OP's admission he had always stated that this was an aspiration of his. Given the competitive fields for these jobs, he must have been aware that most applications would end in disappointment. Having a disconsolate partner witnessing this process would surely have been discouraging and confidence sapping, to say the least. It just sounds as if the life aspirations of these two people are incompatible.

As someone who has moved countries as an accompanying spouse 5 times, my view is that she is missing an opportunity, though I also understand the challenges, which is why I suggest she posts on forums which attract people who have actually experienced these challenges. I would suggest a visit during the first year (perhaps he will visit home for the long holidays too)and then trying it when her 17 year old starts college. If it doesn't work she can change things. Proactive research and thoughts will help her state of mind which currrently appears to be rather helpless. Or she can remain distraught. It seems highly unfair to damn the relationship by accusing a man we do not know of being absolutely selfish.

St Helena is a beautiful place, you would thoroughly enjoy it. The people are lovely, the climate. It's wonderful.

Only thing is you wouldnt have 'all mod cons' - no shopping etc, everything comes by boat, including the mail. It is isolated but its a once in a life time experience.

anotherteacher -

I would love to go live in Mexico for a year or so - my partner knows this... but If I told him I had booked my flight and was going he'd be as miffed as the OP because when you are a couple you discuss these things before acting on them.

Perhaps moving abroad following your spouse about works for you, it's not for everyone. There are two people in a relationship and you entwine your lives together and make decisions that will effect both of you together... that is why her partner is selfish. Especially seeing as he knows she can't go because she has a reliant 17year old... if he's expecting the 17 year old to up sticks too then he really is selfish.

Glassofrose you. Make a great many assumptions about a couple whom you do not know. Your attempts at making a comparison are facile and childish. Have you applied for jobs in Mexico? Do you have the skills Mexico requires? You do not write like someone with the kind of mind and skills that would persuade an employer to pay the high sums required to transport you and your belongings there,to pay a higher salary than you could command in you own country and to pay your accommodation rental, medical insurance and settling fees/visa etc. This man has found an employer who values his potential thus. This is a considerable achievement. I am at a loss to understand how making pronouncements on the suppsed selfishness of someone trying to make the best of his life can offer any support or help to the op.she is in this situation and needs to think creatively and pragmatically about her options, not wallow in self pity with the encouragement of people who insist her partner is a thoughtless person. You truly cannot know this.

I'm very sorry that I don't bother to prove my literacy skills to you on a discussion board . Shock Horror - I have worked as an EAL teacher, I have a degree in printed textiles and to top it off I am a qualified pattern cutter. However, this thread isn't about me or what I want. I was purely making an example that I wouldn't make a decision that would impact on my partner alone.

Most people would agree that in a relationship you have to give and take. I'm pretty sure most people would want their partners to discuss important life changing decisions with them. Saying that your ambition is to go work in a foreign country is very different to saying "There is a job going in St Helena how would you feel if I applied for it?"

If the OP's dp has been funding her years as a sahm it would seem to me that her first priority should be to act on Xales advice and organise her future finances/tenancy agreements etc to safeguard against the monetary rug being cut from under her, so to speak.

Given that she only has a matter of weeks to do the necessary it's to be hoped that concentrating her mind on practical matters such as a trip to the CAB re possible entitlements, notifying her council tax office that until such time as her dd begins work she will be a single householder, etc, will go some way to stop her brooding on his departure.

OP I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sorry for what I am about to say...

In my mid-twenties, I had a long-term BF and everyone always assumed we would get married. But I had always said I wanted to live & work in Europe (from Canada) and found a 2-year posting in Budapest. I thought it was a simple matter of me wanting to "get it out of my system", then I would come home and we would tie the knot.

Never happened. 15 years later and with the benefit of hindsight, I know I moved so far away to get away from him. It was literally easier to uproot my whole life and go on a big adventure than to just break up with him.

I think you need to consider whether this scenario might be a possibility in your situation.

i have spent the weekend with a huge empty feeling inside me...i know that my partner is going...i know there is no way in the world i would stop him.

i have also thought long and hard about the financial situation this will leave me in, if he decides that he really isnt still prepared to continue paying for the main household expenses...although thinking about it in the unstable mind im in at the moment hasnt really given me any answers!

i work 12 hours a week...so i am obviously dependent on him as far as the main household expenditure goes...which obviously is something i need to seriously sort out...(his idea for me to take a part time job..rather than full time)
this was so i could look after our grandchildren during the week so their parents could work..

i also have to consider the impact this will have on them, because i WILL need to work full time to support myself and my 17 year old.. where does that leave my elder children in respect of childcare..times are tough enough for them now,without them having the burden of finding extra money to pay for nursey fees/childminder...they have never taken the easy option of going on benefits to support their family..they have always worked..and i have been able to help them with this..this is something else we as a family have to consider..

i have tried to talk to my partner about his decision not to tell me about this job, tried to ask him why he has only given me 4 weeks notice...but his replies are always 'its an adventure!'..i dont get a straight answer...he is still insisting that nothing will change...the only change will be that he is 1000s of miles away in a remote country!...he is still adamant that he will pay the main household bills...i obviously only have his word for this..and at this moment in time there isnt any way of proving either way..

the fact that i am so broken hearted that he is going has absolutely nothing to do with my financial situation...because i KNOW that this is something i will have to sort out...im sad because he never talked it through with me..his working abroad was always said in a 'oh yeah i want to work abroad' kind of way..it was never ever written in stone that that was what he really wanted to do..and the fact that he has given me only 4 weeks notice to accept/decide what to do

im feeling the way im feeling because i have had 8 years with this wonderful guy, my children adore him..and i really am in limbo as to whether this is his way of telling me its over..only time will give me that answer..because he wont..

I'm very sorry that I don't bother to prove my literacy skills to you on a discussion board . Shock Horror - I have worked as an EAL teacher, I have a degree in printed textiles and to top it off I am a qualified pattern cutter

You are correct in that your qualifications are irrelevant. I am sure you are a fine EAL teacher and pattern cutter. You prove my point, however - excellent though you may be, your skills are not those which would have an employer prepared to pay thousands of pounds to bring to to and pay for you living and health costs in another country and to pay you a salary higher than you could earn in your home country, all for a job that will probably be far, far easier (in this case, since teaching in the Uk is stressful and relatively poorly paid) than the job being left.

Your Mexico comparison is irrelevant since it is an unachieveable fantasy, unless you are able to self fund and this would be a big financial and personal risk to you. If the op's partner were attempting something similar, my attitude would be different. He is not. This is a real chance for a life changing job without damaging the significant contributions he has already made to the op's financial well being.

You appear to have no empathy for the professional and personal opportunities this man is being offered and the considerable financial security that is likely to accrue to him and to the op and her family, since he is offering to continue to pay bills and to support the op and her dependent(s). To make assumptions that he will never return and will cease to contribute financially is unfair since he seems to have been reliable so far, though agreed, it is up to the op to assure herself of her own financial independence if she does not accept his offer to accompany him and/or support him emotionally in this move, once her youngest dependent is settled. I'd suggest the 17 year old finishes his/her school career with Mum staying home,then, next Summer, both join your dp for a wonderful gap year , before embarking on college/work.

..jaw drops....

....and now back to you, chloe2727. You sound better. Good for you. I think you are grieving and may want to treat yourself as such (ie be gentle to yourself)....and like any grieving person, there are also practicalities to deal with. And you're dealing with them.

Most things in life are not neat and tidy, cut and dried. There aren't easy solutions to everything.

And sometimes you just have to take each day at a time - each hour maybe - and feel your way forward.

I just wanted to say, it's sometimes helpful just to focus on now, the next hour, and getting through that. Or focus really hard on the present moment. This can help lift all those 'how the heck am I going to cope with/what if' scenarios and 'this always happens to me' thinking which is just so emotionally paralysing sometimes.

We don't know the future: and maybe you will have an unexpected outcome like CurrySpice did. Maybe something else.

In the meantime I'm glad you are still posting and hope you will take what is helpful for you.

ladyWordy.....thankyou

Chloe, I didn't realise he was responsible for the majority of the bills etc, and that you work minimum hours so that you can care for your DGCs, so their parents can work.

I'm so sorry for you, he's putting you in an impossible position and doesn't seem to realise quite how badly this will affect you and your children. Yes, he says he will still pay the bills and that nothing will change, but unless you get it in writing (a legal document perhaps), I think you and your children will need to work out a plan to cover you working, DGC's childcare etc.

I'd be furious if I were in your shoes. Good luck. X

GlassofRose........I have a degree in Textiles/Fashion. You and I both know that Bristish design graduates are the best in the world, and can easily easily find a highly paid job abroad. Much higher than the UK pays

Very sorry for hijack, but had to defend you

and can easily easily find a highly paid job abroad. Much higher than the UK pays

That is good news and I did not mean to attack the circumstances of an individual poster. I do get irate, though when huge assumptions are made about a relationship from a tiny piece of information. I feel the DP in this case is getting a very undeserved kicking. I guess that all the op really wants is sympathy whereas I feel the validation is not leading her to any kind of workable solution.

Orangeandlemons -

Indeed, I don't see the point in replying to the other woman on this thread. It's pretty clear she's talking out of her backside ;)

you are not married right?
and none of your children are his right?
so if he stops sending you money there is nothing you can do about it.

so realistically, you need to plan for when that happens, sit with your children and work out who is going to increase their hours so that those who need to can pay for childcare.

the fact you provide free childcare for your children is nice but it wont be sustainable.

presuambly those working wil be able to claim WTC/child care credits if they mvoe to paying a registered childminder?

there are solutions to the finacnce/childcare.

whether he is wrong/right etc is something you have to deal with separately - go see a counsellor when he gone for this and to find a way to move on with your life.

if he send you money great but you have no legal basis to claim it not for you or your children.

if he stays for you - then hre will eb resentment and eventually you could split.
if you let him go you have no guarantees either - but he or you may make decisions while he away. who knows.

reality is

• he goes then

you and your chidlren have to work out your finances. if you all working it can be done, claiming correct childcare vouchers etc where needed. the fact you have provided free childcare is lovely but it wont be able to continue if/when he goes. you cant rely on him sending money - he might do - but he might not.... or are there huge savings eg a years worth of salary you can bank here and draw on?

right or wrong - it looks like it will happen - and if he gives this up for you then who knows what the resentment etc will lead to.

either way - you stuffed --but the good news is you still have your children and grandkids and they will still be there for you, whatever. . and you need to pick yourself up for them and for you .... you have had eight great years - say goodbye to him and smile

The fact that his leaving would cause such considerable disruption for you and all your other children makes him even more selfish. And he won't even give you any straight answers!

Look, there's nothing wrong with having dreams, but if you're in a serious relationship you need to find a way to make it work with the other partner OR be honest and break up with them if that's not possible.

I'm an expat, married to another expat, so I do know something about this. I can't even imagine either of us doing this to the other.

Some people seem to think the only way he can follow his dreams is by going to St Helena, well that's bollocks, there are plenty of other places he could go that are not so dramatic. There's a big difference between going to, say, Dubai for months at a stretch, versus going to someplace so remote, where the OP would have nothing to do even if she did go out there.

I agree dreamingbohemian. St Helena may be some people's idea of adventure, but it ain't mine. Islands are fine if you're born there, and have family around, but what on earth would the OP do all day??

When you live somewhere that remote, you're not even going to be travelling to other places, to explore them. You'd be stuck there, month after month, looking at the same faces and sights. A bit of sunshine wouldn't compensate me for the boredom of it all.

I've lived abroad, albeit Europe, with a baby/toddler, and that was hard enough, cut off from family and friends. But then, that was back in the days when a woman unquestioningly followed her man and his dreams...having said that, even my ex did discuss it with me first, and in an emergency, we could have flown home in a few hours.

If he were your husband instead of partner, OP, and the children were his biologically, I suspect everyone would say he was being wildly irresponsible, so I can only assume that the people who think he has the right to "follow his dreams" don't actually see yours as a "real" family? Interesting.

I'm not surprised you're feeling heart-broken. He's walking out on you, whatever he may say now, and you don't know what the future holds. You'd be a cold woman not to care - and although it's easy for us to sit here and advise you to get rid of him before he goes, I know how hard it is when you're forced suddenly into a scenario you never anticipated.

Try to think about a future alone with your children, and make some basic plans. Go to the CAB and find out exactly where you stand financially. Look after yourself, and believe that you're strong enough to cope. This grieving stage will pass and you will move on, whatever happens.

my children and grandchildren are my life and i could never ever leave them, omg i could never imagine not being able to touch my little granddaughters hand or pick up my baby grandson even for a day...i cant help how i feel about my children, leaving them would destroy me...even for a short time...he knows this but still tries to convince me to go..

You have your answer ^^. It really sounds to me as though he comes second in your life..........and is therefore doing what he wants while he has the chance.

If he were your husband instead of partner, OP, and the children were his biologically, I suspect everyone would say he was being wildly irresponsible, so I can only assume that the people who think he has the right to "follow his dreams" don't actually see yours as a "real" family? Interesting. I thought this too and actually found it really sad, her family is just as much a 'real' family as someone who is married with bio children.

I totally agree with that quote and you too tittytitty (brilliant name by the way)

Chloe it seems your DP does not give a shit has not thought this through. There are teaching jobs outside the UK that do not involve going to the most remote outpost he could find. Plenty of ways of fulfilling his dream somewhere accessible if he had thought about it or considered you and his DSC in his plans.

This job did not happen by accident, he planned it in secret
He clearly cannot wait to get there
He thinks it is reasonable to expect you to wait behind keeping his house
He is also leaving his DSD

It seems to me he is having a two year adventure whilst thinking you will keep a bed warm if when he decides to return. He also gets to be the good guy as he can claim you and DSD could both move too. Best of both worlds for him then. He could not have planned an exit better but somehow I doubt that was even on his agenda, he is just doing what he wants to do without giving either you or DSD a thought as he skips out of the door.

I would be doing some serious thinking about this and what you now want and what is best for you and DSD. Once you know this, you can begin to get some control back in your life and give him a reality check.

St Helena is an amazing place from what I have heard from friends who have visited. But as a community it is small, insular and very remote. Moving there would be a huge uproot for you, and whilst I am sure that you would find many things to enjoy, unless you want to be there you will resent it.

Do not take your 17 yo. there is nothing for the there but a double gap year. kids ship out to go to college as with many remote locations.

As a military wife who has had my hubby away for a year on a non combat detachment I can attest it is difficult and requires huge commitment, honesty and pain on both sides. If you don't feel that you will struggle. The time difference will also affect things. Skype only does so much, but admittedly it is a god send.

I think honestly this is a real life reassessment time for you. It could be an amazing experience for you. On the one hand are you willing to miss out on amazing opportunities to live vicariously through your Grandkids, if that is the case then you need to honestly assess the situation with him. He clearly wants to do this and wants you to share it with him. But if you don't want to you need to find a new rudder for your life and move on from there.

My Dsis stayed at home while her DP worked overseas all over the world and ran his UK affairs for him etc. they broke up just a year after he returned (he was gone for 3 yrs in many remote locales) as the experience had changed him so much.