partner leaving to work abroad

[chloe2727]

not sure if i should even be on this site but really need someone to talk to...my partner of 8 years is leaving to take a job abroad for 2 years...we have no children together although i have children of my own..they have all left home apart from the youngest who is 17. neither of us have ever been married and started living together within months of meeting.

he is taking a job in the most remotest place i can think of...the island of st helena..its a 9 hour flight on an RAF plane then another 2 days on an RAF boat to even get there...he leaves in 4 weeks

he has said i should go with him...but i also have 5 small grandchildren all aged under 4...my kids live 5 minutes away from us.

i cant leave my family behind...my children and grandchildren are my world and i couldnt imagine not being able to hold any one of them even for a day.

when he leaves i wont see him for a whole year as he can only take 30 days leave from the island at the end of july next year..

he says he will still pay the household bills from his end...and talks as though he will be coming home.

i know im probably sounding silly...but my heart is breaking at the thought of him leaving..he is my soul mate,my hope for the future..

i cant begin to imagine how i will live my life without him...im counting the days until he leaves..i feel like my world has come to an end..i have an ache in my heart that wont go away, i cant stop crying, i go to bed with a broken heart and wake up feeling the same way...i know it sounds crazy and probably not the right thing to say...but to me it seems like im just waiting for him to die...he says all these things about how hes doing it for us and how he will be back and i so desperately want to believe him but my mind wont let me (been hurt so bad in the past)

i have no friends to lean on for support and my children just dont seem to understand the pain im feeling...

please please please tell me how i can survive this

You believe this relationship is coming to an end, chloe - grief is a perfectly natural thing to feel. There will come a day when it doesn't hurt so bad, but I don't think I can say anything to speed that day's coming.

I'm sorry but I think he is a selfish twat.

You were together 8 years. This is a comittment
He aplied for a job on the othe side of the world knowing it would devastate you.
He accepted the job knowing it would be impossible for you to go with him.
He thinks you will be fine with waiting for him for 2 years.
He hasn't considered your children who have formed a close attachment to him.
He is follwing his dream.

Why does he think it is OK to do all of the above? Talk about selfish....he obviously only cares about himself.

My dream is to lie in bed and eat chocolates all day. I wish I could follow it, but my comittment to others mean I can't.

Chole, take some deep breaths, you have your family around you.

I'm not sure why some people think living in St Helena (three days away and not even on commercial routes) is a brilliant dream, but being a hands-on mother and granny, holding your precious grandchildren every day and giving them a cuddle, growing up as an integral part of their lives is somehow a not worthy one.

However, you don't share the same dream (both of which are legitimate IMO). And there's nothing you can do about that. Furthermore, you didn't even get the chance to discuss dreams, it's actually laughable that someone in a relationship would turn up and announce they were going to the remotest, most inaccessible place possible, as if this were a perfectly normal part of a relationship. Even announcing you have a job in Australia is better than that!

I am not sure he wants to leave you, but he does want to prioritise his adventure. All you can do at this point is love him and let him go, even though it must be very upsetting. He may return, he may not, I think deciding he's not and moving on is the best policy as I simply don't think there are any guarantees he'll return.

Good luck, I can see why you are so upset, it will get better once he's gone and not in front of you the whole time.

It's grieving, isn't it? It's like being told your DP had four weeks to live. Once he had died you would have no choice but to pick up your life and move on. It's the waiting that is so unbearable. (Well, to be more precise, he's going to be alive and fine the selfish git but something will have died: your current relationship. Even if/when he comes back it is bound to be different to what it is now.)

As I see it, his dream is worth (even) more to him than being with you, and your family are worth (even) more to you than being with him. So, painful though it is right now, being apart is the lesser of three possible evils.

I wouldn't leave a dependent child either. In a couple of years when she's off at uni or whatever it might have been more do-able, but now is not a good time. One does have responsibilities as a parent, even if you wouldn't mind leaving your precious youngest for so long. While they're still growing up you have to be there for them, and make all decisions with a view to what is best for them, and that's an end to it.

As for saying the family will still be there in two years' time - well, yes, the adults will and I'm sure they'll cope, but fancy leaving a six month old baby and coming back when he/she is two and a half and doesn't remember who you are? Bit of a wrench for a fond grandparent. Photos just don't cut it.

... or, what the last three posters said. Dammit, I could have saved myself a load of typing.

Yep, me too. I just saved myself from typing a long reply as I totally agree with O&L, Mumsy and Annie! He sounds selfish and cowardly, so he is not your soulmate, as you're a committed, loving and giving person who would never put your own happiness and 'dreams' above those of someone you love.

Please let him go, grieve for what you had/thought you would have in the future and then make a happy life for yourself surrounded by your adorable DCs & GCs. Lots of love to you xxx

anniegetyourgun...thats exactly how i am looking at it...it does feel that he only has 4 weeks left to live...its like you are reading my mind!!

every single thing you have just said is EXACTLY what i am thinking/feeling

my youngest grandchild is just 6 months old...to miss all those milestones in his life..in any of the grandchildrens lives would be unbearable..nothing would ever bring back the fact that i wasnt there when he took his first steps or when my granddaughter started school....and coming back to witness those things would be a mission...no straight forward flight..

i dont want to sound selfish but i am looking at it as though he is dying..4 weeks from now he will be gone from my life..as though he has died..you cant bring back someone from death...so that is how i am trying to focus on it...
please dont think of me as a nasty person for trying to deal with it that way...i know hundreds of women go through the real tragedy of death everyday..but i believe that is the only way my heart and mind will cope..

id like to stay on this site and 'talk and cry and grieve' with the support of everyone on here..id like to have you all as my 'friends'...and as much as it is killing me right now..id like to be able to share my road to recovery

i value every single comment everyone has said.... you all make me feel that i am not alone :'(

"You were together 8 years. This is a comittment"

I would argue otherwise. He has made it easy for himself to walk away; by not wanting to marry this lady even after 8 years he was not fully committed to her at all. I think this man loves himself far more than he loves her.

Also he going to some remote backwater like St Helena is to my mind running away from his problems and perhaps even life itself.

Chloe, my DM said when my DF died that actually she felt more sorry for her SIL, whose H had left for an OW (sorry lots of abbreviations!) because she knew that my DF hadn't left her on purpose, that he didn't want to live without her but he had no choice due to terminal illness. That was a comfort to her.

I totally understand the grieving part, when my H left that was exactly the pain I felt in my heart, and in my whole body - as if he had died, but somehow worse because he had chosen to go.

Dealing with it in those terms is not disresepectful to those who have lost loved ones, it just helps you to acknowledge those feelings of loss.

Sending you lots of love and strength. When the time comes you will probably feel much better as you will have done your grieving before he goes and the ending will be a relief (I say this after watching both my parents die and my H leave - all 3 times, the lead up to it was worse than the actual event.) xxx

partner leaving to work abroad

was the end of our marriage.

What I found out, was that he engineered this 'to get away from you'. That is what emotionally unavailable men do.

Are you married? If not, chose your family.

And yes, the mourning hurts ( )

doingitformyself..

thankyou...i also deep down believe that when he goes the ending will be a relief...all im waiting for now is that day...

one day i will wake up without a heavy heart...i just wish it was now xx

Sorry, but I too think he's breaking off your relationship but doing it the cowardly way.

Although you were together for 8 years, he never married you, got a joint mortgage or had a child with you which means that he's always kept his options open.

He applied for a job in secret, in one of the remotest parts of the world and then presented it to you, fair accompi.

He chose to take this job at a time when you simply cannot leave your dd. How can you when she's 17 and studying for important exams and planning for university. He's a teacher and would know this and I don't think the timing's any accident.

I think he's reassured you that he will pay the bills to assuage his guilt.

If I were you I'd put my children and grandchildren first and stay with them. I'd also widen my circle of friends so they are not my whole life.

I know it's awful now but I think your whole life will get better from when he goes because then you can start going forward.

Think of this as an opportunity for you. Yes, you'll grieve for your relationship but you are ONLY 42! The way you spoke in your first post made me think you were far older. You're still young, your youngest child is coming to the end of her schooling, you can start to think about YOU again.

Do you have hobbies, passions, things you enjoy? What about your friends, do you socialise often? If you're not working, have you thought about returning to work, or studying? You're at an exciting time in your life, you can do anything if you put your mind to it and it doesn't have to involve moving to the ends of the earth. Don't waste the next two years sitting at your kitchen table, miserable, waiting for him to walk through the door.

blimey you are a very very young granny !!

either go with him on this adventure

your kids/grandkids will be fine.

or let him go and do your own thing.
if your family is most important to youa dn being there for them is most important.

if in two years he comes back and you havent moved on -well fine.

but you are so so young!!

but do something for you.
not you as a partner/mother/granmother.

define your life in other ways too

:( please tell me this is just a bad dream :(

It's his choice to follow his dream isn't it, not yours.

It will be painful but let him go sweetheart. Get on with your life/make a new one where your gorgeous children/grand children are.

If he comes back then fine, if not you will already have a world of your own going on.

I for one wouldn't give up everything for a man, not on your nelly would I.

Life is too short to spend two years desperately waiting for him to come home. He has made the choice to move to the other side of the world, knowing you wouldn't feel able to go with him. Not the actions of a man 100% committed to you and your children.

You said you're devoted to your DCs and DGCs - you won't be any use to them if you spend the time moping and being miserable over a man who chose to leave you all.

YOU ARE ONLY 42, NOT 72. Life does not begin and end with this man! You're not elderly, you're not past it, you're not on the shelf. You have the chance to work, study, take up a new hobby, make new friends and socialise with old ones. Life won't stop when he shuts the door behind him.

Again, he has made his choice to leave you and your kids. You can't change his mind, and he cannot expect you to sit waiting around, wasting precious time whilst he galavants about has a midlife crisis "follows his dream". Give yourself time to mourn the relationship, then pick yourself up, dust yourself down and do something that benefits you.

I spent my marriage to ex-h desperate to go travelling and he just wasn't interested. The second the divorce came through I literally got on the plane and never looked back.

That was 8 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did.......................the thought of still being in that job, in that house with that man makes me realise even more that it was not right for either of us.

I was a bird trapped in a cage and I think so is your DP. Let him go and fufil his dream as his heart is quite obviously there already.

So sorry OP no words of comfort. He may come back he may not. He may not go if you press hard enough but you will only be delaying the inevitable.

i feel so sorry for you,i wish i could take away your pain...one day it will get easier i promise..

redrubyshoes,probably not the nicest of things to say...i think it may of taken chloe2727 a lot of guts to write on here...she sounds like shes at her lowest point...so why not offer a few words of comfort...as one woman to another...it might not be what you are thinking but instead of being so blunt and to the point...why not give her a hug..

many posts on here are doing that for her,sending out love and hugs and trying to give her the strength to do what is right. trying to help her through

i for one hope that you chloe continue to post on here,to tell us of your lows and highs (if there are any).to show us all how you are surviving through one of the toughest things a woman has to do..

may you have hope for the future again,may one day your life not feel so bleak, may you smile and laugh and maybe even learn to love again..

you children and grandkids are going to help you through this,take pleasure in the fact that you will see your youngest grandsons first steps...their first day at school,take joy in knowing that you will see your children and their children growing in their lives...take joy in the fact that HE WILL NOT xxxxx

Wow!! Can you go with him? I'm from st. Helena and would love to go!!

ohhh so much going through my mind...who am i kidding...i love this guy with all my heart...i would wait a lifetime for him..

i pray with everything i am that he will come home to me...i will get through this heartache...

You need to value yourself more, get some ambition and goals outside of your relationship. Real life isn't a romance novel, coming out with lines like "I would wait a lifetime for him, I pray he'll come home to me" only serve to devalue yourself. Are you REALLY going to sit twiddling your thumbs for two years whilst he's doing what he likes, when he likes abroad?

yet another slapdown comment

give this poor woman support.i think thats why she has come on here

ok she might sound like she is devaluing herself,but if this is how she is feeling right now then who are we to criticise her for it

i have been in a similiar situation myself,felt everything she is feeling, even contemplated that life wasnt worth living. i talked to people like the samaritans and people in chatrooms that didnt judge but offered support weather they believed it to be the right thing or not. thats what got me through him leaving. i am now married to a wonderful man and have 2 children with him.but it took me a long long time to get over the hurt of the man i thought was my soul mate. to many the break up of a relationship is nothing.but unless you have been in this situation and felt the same pain then you cannot slam the person who is going through it

chloe2727 i admire the courage you have.you will get through this. big hugs

I haven't slapped her down at all, iwantthefairytale, especially if you read my earlier posts. I genuinely feel sorry for Chloe2727, but I think if she sits wailing and pining for him she'll be wasting time that she won't get back. The whole "WAAAAA DON'T LEAVE ME!" routine usually causes people to run as far as possible; what I was trying to suggest/imply was that if Chloe makes the most of her time/life (socialising with friends and family, taking up a hobby, work or study) she'll be infinitely happier and when he comes back he might realise what he's lost. Just a thought.

Iwantthefairytale

I don't think I was being harsh, her DP has chosen to work abroad he has not been conscripted into the army and I understand her heart is breaking but she can either go with him or not and she has chosen not for very clear and genuine reasons.