partner leaving to work abroad

[chloe2727]

not sure if i should even be on this site but really need someone to talk to...my partner of 8 years is leaving to take a job abroad for 2 years...we have no children together although i have children of my own..they have all left home apart from the youngest who is 17. neither of us have ever been married and started living together within months of meeting.

he is taking a job in the most remotest place i can think of...the island of st helena..its a 9 hour flight on an RAF plane then another 2 days on an RAF boat to even get there...he leaves in 4 weeks

he has said i should go with him...but i also have 5 small grandchildren all aged under 4...my kids live 5 minutes away from us.

i cant leave my family behind...my children and grandchildren are my world and i couldnt imagine not being able to hold any one of them even for a day.

when he leaves i wont see him for a whole year as he can only take 30 days leave from the island at the end of july next year..

he says he will still pay the household bills from his end...and talks as though he will be coming home.

i know im probably sounding silly...but my heart is breaking at the thought of him leaving..he is my soul mate,my hope for the future..

i cant begin to imagine how i will live my life without him...im counting the days until he leaves..i feel like my world has come to an end..i have an ache in my heart that wont go away, i cant stop crying, i go to bed with a broken heart and wake up feeling the same way...i know it sounds crazy and probably not the right thing to say...but to me it seems like im just waiting for him to die...he says all these things about how hes doing it for us and how he will be back and i so desperately want to believe him but my mind wont let me (been hurt so bad in the past)

i have no friends to lean on for support and my children just dont seem to understand the pain im feeling...

please please please tell me how i can survive this

dreamingbohemian...my kids adore him...especially my youngest...they all grew up without their dad and he has been the father they never had...it will break my youngest daughters heart

what does your 17yo think you should do?

I had reservations about a previous boyfriend (grand passion) who was divorced and had two children. I was in my mid 20s and wasn't sure if I could cope as a stepmother. The one sensible thing my mother has ever said "well if you loved him enough you would go to the ends of the earth with him and do anything you needed to keep him". I hesitated for so long that eventually he met someone else who was prepared to go to the ends of the earth metaphorically at least.

I wasn't committed enough OP. As much as it hurt at the time, I moved on and grew and actually made myself a better and a happier life with a better man.

Good luck OP.

my 17 year old hasnt said what she thinks i should do..although she has sent a text to my partner begging him not to go...she said that he is the only dad she has ever known...he texted her back saying he will always be there for her..

she is happy in college and wants to go to uni...she doesnt want to leave england

I wouldn't go with him. I'm all up for adventures, but I don't think he wants you to go with him. I'm sorry, but this is his adventure and I think he plans on going alone.

He didn't even tell you he was applying! In no way is this the plan he's made in the hope you'd go with him.

I wouldn't go with a 17 year old. I don't think it's fair - they need stability at that point in their education.

However, I think you're so besotted with your family that you don't see there's a world out there. He has seen the world out there and he wants it.

He's 43? How old are you, OP? You sound much, much older, I have to say, with your reliance on your adult children. I'm sorry if this sounds cruel, but it sounds as though you wouldn't even want to move a town away.

Oh how horrible for you. I think he is being very selfish. He should have consulted with you, it is unfair for you to have to follow him wherever he goes, why can he not go somewhere easier to get to?
I would be asking him not to go, do you feel you cannot do that? You have real reasons to want to stay and has no real reason to go! Just a whim!
I think you deserve someone who will put you first and cares about being with you. I also think it is important to try and make some friends, they can really help in stressful times, maybe join a club? Sport? It sounds trivial but friends are as important as relationships imo.

I'm not sure why he thinks that this is the opportunity of a lifetime or why it should be an adventure for you. It's a tiny island, with a population the size of my parents' village, and one of the most isolated places in the world. If you want to live abroad, there are places you could go and have a much richer variety of interesting experiences and also not be as isolated. But perhaps the extremeness of it is what he is attracted to. Quite the gamble to take though.

OP, he has wanted to work abroad for as long as you've known him. You don't want to live abroad. I think this is just a case of basic incompatibility. I think he knows this and is taking the cowardly route of just leaving without actually formally breaking up with you. I agree that there is no way he intends you to go with him. I would assume that you are split up - do not waste any time waiting for him.

I do think he'll be back soon.
My lovely local parish priest went there, and came back months later. He was encouraging people on the island to become Catholics, as the last church closed 20years prior.
I don't like the fact your dp has just taken off for his own career, without a thought for you :(

im younger than he is...just by a year

i know you are all right...deep down i know hes actually leaving me for good...but how do i come to terms with it...all night ive been crying...i guess i must of eventually drifted of to sleep...but then woke myself up by crying...i just need some relief from this intense pain...

im sorry if im just rattling on...i just need someone to talk to...

I can't believe how selfish he's being. So even though he's the only father your children have known, and they are begging him to stay, he's still going?

I'm sorry. I'm afraid there is no magic bullet to take the pain away. It's something you have to go through, not around. All I can say is:

1. You have to stay strong, for your children and grandchildren.
2. Talking about it helps, and luckily MN is full of kind people to listen, and people who have been through similar.
3. It might be awful for a long time but it WILL get better, you will not always feel like this.
4. Be kind to yourself. Don't put too much on your plate, give yourself time to grieve.

Ahh Chloe . Not sure it's any comfort to you but I totally agree with you about not uprooting and leaving family for somewhere that is so remote and inaccessible. But if you have made the decision that your life is carrying on here then can I suggest (kindly ) that you now dry your tears, plaster a smile on and get ready to wave him off. He had clearly made this decision without any consultation or care for your feelings and is determined to go through with it and there is apparently nothing you can do to deter him.

Come on, you can do this! I appreciate you love him so much but frankly someone who can act in such a casual way towards you after so long ........mmmmm. Wave him off with the biggest cheeriest smile you can muster. He may be back in a few months after such isolation. By then you may be happily settled and wondering if you want such a (selfish?) person in your life again.....

i just feel so silly...especially when i know this is such a trivial issue compared to other peoples lives..i feel so selfish writing on here about how much pain im going through

i know one day i will look back on this hard time and be proud of myself for coming through it...i just wish it didnt hurt so bad right now...

Don't feel selfish and silly. This is your life, your story, no-one else's.

Do you want to hold on, waiting and worrying for two years, maybe to go through the heartache over again after that? Or do you think you could/should tell him it's a trial break from your point of view, since you're sure it is from his - and you'll see how you feel when he returns?

ive decided in my heart to look at this as a total break up..who knows maybe he will prove me wrong...maybe he will do what he says he will do..

im not going to tell him this is the way im looking at it...im going to let him go away thinking i believe what he is telling me..

sort of like self preservation i guess...if i tell myself hes leaving for good, then ive started the road to recovery...just wish it didnt hurt so bad...wish i could sleep without waking up in tears, wish this lump in my throat and pain in my heart would go...wish i could smile and laugh again...wish i wasnt this weak woman whos being made to feel this way by a man :(

You are not silly or weak! Breakups are hard, everything you are going through is totally natural. We've all been there!

I think if you are telling yourself it's over, you might feel stronger if you tell him how you feel and ask him to move on now. A breakup is so much harder if you still have to see the person everyday. And he should know what he's done to you. Let him suffer with the knowledge that his selfishness cost him his family, don't let him go off thinking he's a great guy who got away with it.

Chloe, I think you should tell him what you're thinking, tell him it's over and he has the next 4 weeks to remove all his stuff from you home and your life. You need to take back some control over your life.

Personally, this is what I would do, I would tell him it's over, he is then free to go and you can move on and IF he comes back to England he can always give you a call and see if you want to meet up again but at least you will be in control, which I think will make things easier for you and make you stronger.

I've been with my husband for 8 years and I too would be devestated if he did this to me, but you know what? He wouldn't, even if he wanted to work away I am confident this would entail many many conversations before he went and applied for a job that took him away from home for so long.

For me, it would not be the fact he is going, as yes we get one life and should do as much of the things we want to as possible, but your DP seems to have made all the decisions regarding your relationship future with no regard for your feelings.

I hope you find the strength to take back control of your own life Chloe, good luck.

Chloe I know how you feel to an extent.

It is tough to cope when your partner makes decisions alone. Your partner is not a single man but he has made a single mans decision. What he should have done, because he is part of a couple, is to have discussed this with you.

If you are totally against going with him I think you should have a proper discussion with him, like he should have had with you. Tell him you understand his ambitions and that you do not want to deny him from fulfilling them. Explain that you were upset he made a decision alone as you thought after eight years together it is something that should have been discussed with you. I agree with dreamingbohemian - you must be honest with him, don't let him leave thinking everything is hunky dory.

thankyou dreamingbohemian...

your words have give me hope...why should i be the only one to suffer...

i only have to get through the next 4 weeks of him being here..when he gets on that plane that is the day i start my recovery...then i know i wont be seeing him everyday...that is what i am aiming for..

he has made it perfectly clear that he wont go until his flight so i guess i just have to take each day,each hour slowly...distance myself from him..

omg how bad i hurt right now though :(...why do i have to love him SO much :(

My dh took a job in Australia without telling me. my dd1 had started in reception that week.

I had to decide if I should go with him or kick him to the kerb. I decided to go with him. He is a good and lovely man.

He has always wanted to live in Australia(he is from the third world) It has been his lifelong dream and like your dp, he has talked about it often and I have never taken it seriously as I never thought it would happen.

I had to leave everyone I loved behind. I spent all of my time with my family. We are very close. But I am not the main part of their lives if you know what I mean. And they are still there. They aren't dead.

Although my dh obviously went about things the wrong way, he deserves to do something he really wants to do.

He has been offered the chance of a lifetime and has itchy feet. If he turns it down he will wonder for ever what life could have been.

They are your children and your grandchildren and the house is rented, sorry Chloe but I think he wants to spread his wings and his only obligation to you is a moral one.

Red you make a good point. Its not selfish to want to fulfil a life long dream. Well its no more selfish than the o.p expecting the partner to stay purely for her, if thats not what he wants.

I understand the hurt the op feels, and sadly i think the truth is he doesnt love her, or at least not intensely or the way she wants, because if he did he wouldnt go. However this may be wrong if he was sincere about o.p going with him. But since o.p wont take that option, she will never know.

I absolutely would not go with a 17yo. Chances are it would not be a wonderful experience for her: she would have her education disrupted at a crucial time and what would there really be for her to do on St Helena? Sit at home and wait for her stepdad to come home and tell her all about his wonderful new job?

It would be buying a new exciting life for him at the cost of risking the exciting life she is just looking forward to. And he hasn't even considered that angle.

This is not like moving with an adaptable 4yo who will be happy wherever her mummy and daddy are. I think you are right.

It may not be selfish to want to fulfil a lifelong dream, but I think it's pretty selfish to go ahead and do it without informing your partner, and to do it in a way that is so obstructive to compromise.

Again -- St Helena??? That was really his life long dream?

Even if he wants to go somewhere really remote, gosh, go to Mongolia, it's still reachable in a day, they have proper flights.

There will be other opportunities for him to teach abroad, if he was willing to compromise he would turn this one down and wait for one a bit more reasonable.

I understand he doesn't want to go now OP, but I worry that you are covering your feelings and making things easier for him. Even if he won't go, he shouldn't have you being all nice to him or acting like you're okay with things. It's just not fair to you. But I understand you need to do what you have to do to get through this.

deep down i believe you are all right...

please please please will someone take this pain away from me then...tell me how to recover from this..tell me how to make my life move forward...

omg how weak and useless do i sound...how have i come to depend so strongly on this one man...how have i let myself and my heart get into this situation...how have i managed to fall so head over heals in love with this guy...

Chloe, you are not weak, you are human! Let him go, if he truly is your soul mate you will reconnect if/when he comes home but more likely you will have moved on, 2 years is a long time.

What do you want to do? what are your life long dreams? think hard lady cos you're about to be able to put yourself first, grab hold of life and turn this into a positive, do what YOU want to do...