partner leaving to work abroad

[chloe2727]

not sure if i should even be on this site but really need someone to talk to...my partner of 8 years is leaving to take a job abroad for 2 years...we have no children together although i have children of my own..they have all left home apart from the youngest who is 17. neither of us have ever been married and started living together within months of meeting.

he is taking a job in the most remotest place i can think of...the island of st helena..its a 9 hour flight on an RAF plane then another 2 days on an RAF boat to even get there...he leaves in 4 weeks

he has said i should go with him...but i also have 5 small grandchildren all aged under 4...my kids live 5 minutes away from us.

i cant leave my family behind...my children and grandchildren are my world and i couldnt imagine not being able to hold any one of them even for a day.

when he leaves i wont see him for a whole year as he can only take 30 days leave from the island at the end of july next year..

he says he will still pay the household bills from his end...and talks as though he will be coming home.

i know im probably sounding silly...but my heart is breaking at the thought of him leaving..he is my soul mate,my hope for the future..

i cant begin to imagine how i will live my life without him...im counting the days until he leaves..i feel like my world has come to an end..i have an ache in my heart that wont go away, i cant stop crying, i go to bed with a broken heart and wake up feeling the same way...i know it sounds crazy and probably not the right thing to say...but to me it seems like im just waiting for him to die...he says all these things about how hes doing it for us and how he will be back and i so desperately want to believe him but my mind wont let me (been hurt so bad in the past)

i have no friends to lean on for support and my children just dont seem to understand the pain im feeling...

please please please tell me how i can survive this

i apologise. maybe i was being a bit harsh on you catpower.

of course i see where you are coming from. when i read posts like these especially when the poor woman is desperate to get back/keep her partner/expartner, i also want to shake her and say 'enough', 'pull yourself together' but i also know from experience that these are not the words she wants to hear.

i hope she overcomes this betrayal and moves forward without him, when the time is right for her (and if she finds out he really isnt coming back) she will be a better stronger person for it

i totally relate to your last line, 'when he comes back/sees her again he might realise what hes lost'

my ex realised when it was too late!

redrubyshoes
yes he isnt in the army and yes the arsehole man has chosen to do this himself, doesnt make it any easier to comprehend though

Chloe, I feel so much for your situation and can really empathise with you. My late DH was in the RAF and we had long separations but they were nothing when we knew there were the ties and committments to hold us together.
I would be feeling like you if he had applied before telling me.

What I really wanted to say was that I would not be at all surprised if he does not stay there long. I used to teach overseas and am all for adventures but it can sometimes be a real culture shock even if the people speak english and I suspect he will be very home sick. It is quite different living somewhere to being on holiday.

St Helena looks beautiful and interesting but very limited with few opportunities to travel elsewhere and I would think the novelty will wear off very rapidly.
Maybe he will begin to miss you and appreciate what he has.

However as others have said, do not sit around moping. Show him that you can be adventurous as well and start to diversify your own life.
Maybe you could think about planning a trip out there after 6 months if he seems receptive. If not go somewhere else interesting and different.

You are very lucky to have your GCs so close but very young to revolve your life around them. Good luck.

An arsehole because he is following his dream. My god !

An arsehole because he is following his dream. My god !

Symfem. Do you think relationships are entirely based on women following men about, looking good for them to fuck and doing any sexual act they please? Should women have no say in relationships? And if they exercise any free will then Men have full rights to cheat and get sex however they want? I'm sorry but you have said so many awful things on so many threads today and this op is really fragile, she doesn't need you spouting your misogyny.

krum

the facts

the oh has told the op what his lifelong dream was

he has asked her to come with him

he has offered to support her financially should she not go.

His only crime, is he doesnt feel as intensely about the op, as she does about him. His dream is more important thatn the relationship. Is this a crime. is this the act of an arsehole. Should he swallow hard, abandon his dreams, and resolve to spend the rest of his life resenting his partner, to keep her happy.

have some perspective beyond the male bashing bitte

have you ever been in this situation symfem. im not saying hes an arsehole because he wants to follow his dreams. i believe everyone should follow their dreams, im calling him that because of the situation he has put her in. she is in a no win situation really, she adores this man but also adores her children and grandkids, one child who is still only 17. i also understand that many grandparents arent as lucky to be that close to their grandbabies.

maybe if he hadnt sprung it on her so quickly and had actually decide to take time out of his own dreams to talk this through with her instead of giving her 4 weeks notice then maybe she could of accepted it.

she sounds like a dedicated mother and granny who obviously adores her family. maybe she has a reason to be this 'besotted' (for want of a better word)towards her children and their young ones. we dont know the ins and outs of it.

but to go to such an isolated island with such limited transport to and from it (google st helena) is a big step for anyone.

hes not an arsehole for following his dreams. hes an arsehole for not handling it in the right way. married or not he still had a comittment to her after 8 years and should of had the decency to talk things through first

No he should either end the relationship and be honest or work out a solution that suits them both as a couple. Not Just leave her hanging. It's not asking much is it?

I have been in this situation actually. and sadly.

But what can one do. People have to do what they want. They cant always accommodate your wishes and dreams into their own.

We dont know if the OP would go if given more time, but her besottedness suggests otherwise.

and choice of location is irrelevant. If he wants to go there, and why pick somewhere that remote unless you wanted to then thats his choice.

He has provided a solution krum. Come with me. She said no. he said he will be back in two years. The ball is in her court.

She has the choice to make.

The only solution the o.p has expressed is, he doesnt go. Thats a classic no win situation there

If you make a commitment to somebody then you at least consult them if you want to uproot and change your life. She has a Teen daughter that he has said he cares about. If he really cared then he would wait until the daughter has moved out. Consult with his partner about where they go and work together to make them both happy.
But he didn't. And that is why he is selfish.

yes he would. If he was committed to the relationship. And sadly for the OP he isnt.

Now if he ever gave any indication that he was as committed to her as she was to him, then yes its a bit harsh, otherwise he made a choice.

i have just been sat in front of the laptop all day just refreshing these pages and reading what everyone has to say..and i dearly appreciate so many comments

i think i just needed somewhere to vent my hurt and pain....i never meant for it to get into a huge slanging match between everyone..

i know what hes doing and i know why hes doing it...it just doesnt make it any easier for me to understand...i also know what he has told me about still supporting me whilst he is away...doesnt make it any easier to believe though...but he also knows my dedication to my children and grandchildren

ive had a pretty tough life and this guy was my salvation...but the past has had a big impact on me which is why im finding hard to believe he is leaving me...but on the other hand im also finding it extremely hard to believe that just maybe,maybe he means what he says..

only time will tell either way...

im just hurting so bad right now knowing that in 4 weeks he could be out of my life for good...and i know nothing is going to stop me from feeling this way...nothing but time

Sadly the problem is you invested too much in him. You have seen him as your salvation. I dont want to be harsh, but I dont think he saw you in same light.

I was similar situation, loved someone who left top travel home. said it work out, and that I would visit and we would resettle over there. it didnt happen.

Why / Not because he was a dick. But because he has his own life and drams. i was not part of them. Sadly that is life sometimes.

Sorry OP, but if a man is committed he makes a commitment. Eight years you've been together and what commitment do you have from him - nothing. No mortgage, no marriage, no kids of your own - that speaks volumes to me. His behaviour is not the behaviour of a committed man either - going behind your back looking for jobs overseas. And not just in France or Canada or somewhere you could actually get a flight to - he's chosen possibly the remotest place on earth! I know you're hoping this will end well, but it has all the hallmarks of a man making a very determined (and utterly cowardly), exit. Please don't pin your hopes on him coming back.

Chloe2727, I recognise that pain when someone goes, and you're left with a gaping hole, and they're having fun.

But I'm going to echo what Thermalsocks said.

There will some adjusting for him to do too. Dreams sound exciting in theory because you haven't actually done them yet. And some of us fantasise about how life will be one long joyful party, now we've got our dream.

But when you start the thing, whatever it is, you now have the reality to deal with. It may be great but you're going to miss some things too.

Perhaps he will miss your love and affection. You won't be there to mop his brow or say well done, or be excited for him. And maybe being on a remote island will be a bit stifling! If you're the adventurous type, who likes to drive to the airport and see where you end up, that option will be gone. Go somewhere remote and you had better like it, because you ain't getting away very easily

I'm saying this to try to bring you comfort chloe...While he's happy today and you're devastated, it won't be like that forever. He has made a decision, and hurt you badly in the process. (I think you're right about what he's 'really' saying. )

But you will pick yourself up and get a new life too. Maybe you too will have an adventure. For now, see your lovely family every day....remember your GP if you don't feel well. Breathe, and be kind to yourself.

Let your family help you if you can. Someone in your family, somewhere, has surely inherited your lovely, loving nature :)

Chloe

I have been in your DP's shoes and I recognise the complete longing and needing to get away. The film Shirley Valentine is appaluded as a woman forging her own way from her humdrum life.

Your DP is a male Shirley Valentine. I do not see him as selfish or a bastard, just someone who has been handed an amazing opportunity and he has taken it, he has not walked out of his childrens' life he has offered to support you and asked you to go with him.

If you are ever offered the choice of liberty or security choose liberty. Security can become chains if you want to fly but you have a mortgage to pay and the next step on the corporate ladder is beckoning to you.

You have a strong and loving bond with your family, seek out some friends as well. We all need some mates.

It seems to me OP that you have been a parent for most or all of your adult life.

When have you put yourself first? Next year when your dd17 goes to college may be the time.

I would have a frank conversation with dp, you will be able to gauge his real intentions (to follow his ambitions, or to break up).

If it is the former you could spend the second year in St Helena with him. If it is the latter, the world is your oyster. You are young enough to have a great career and to meet somebody else. Just remember that.

Best wishes.

Erm! Stop! This does NOT mean he is leaving you for good!

I have been in almost EXACTLY the situation you have been in. I absolutely know how you feel and your posts have made my heart clench. I remember the pain so very well.

I am just dashing round getting the kids into bed at the moment but I will post further later.

I will just leave you with this. Nearly 3 years after my DP "left" me ti go abroad, we are more together than ever and more in love. It Can work. It does work. And you can make it work if you both want it.

Be back later

I agree with Izzy. You've made it quite plain that it's your partner's job to be all things to you but that your priority is your children and your grandchildren. You sound a lot older than 42 and really clingy. I'm sorry OP, I know that's blunt but this man has reassured you - suggested you go with him, told you he'll be back. The fact that you choose to believe that he doesn't mean it is down to you, not him. If you feel that way though, you don't have much of a commitment to HIM, never mind him to you.

Please stop crying and make the most of the last days - or end it now before he goes, then you can start your 'road to recovery' right away if that's what you think you need.

I think you're being extremely blinkered and you don't seem to have anything in your life other than your children and grandchildren. You have a life too - or you should. What do you want out of it? Your partner is doing a job he has always wanted and quite honestly - he isn't being selfish. You're allowing other posters to call him 'selfish' though. Why? This is somebody you supposedly love...

Find someone in RL to talk with - get a session with a counsellor to talk it through and see where that leads you in terms of making a decision, but please stop being such a helpless 'victim', this is not happening to you, nothing is happening to you.

I'm with Izzy and Lying. You say he has talked about teaching abroad since you first met. So, you have known for 8 years that this is a dream of his.

You have also made it very clear, on here and presumably, that leaving your family, would never be an option for you: i cant leave my family behind...my children and grandchildren are my world and i couldnt imagine not being able to hold any one of them even for a day. In this situation, one of you was always going to lose out. Maybe he thought that by presenting you with a fait accompli, you would be forced to give serious thought and consideration to this. Maybe he hoped that faced with the choice of a two year adventure together, you would take a chance on it. Your children and grandchildren will still be here. As others have said, Skype is a marvellous thing. And think of all the things you would be able to tell them about your time away.

Sorry to say, you do sound rather clingy and actually, I would find a relationship where I was so much a feature of my mother's life, rather claustrophobic. What would happen if ever your children had the opportunity to move away? Either temporarily or permanently? Would you expect them to turn it down because you couldn't bear not being able to touch or hold them for even one day?

I am sorry you feel so sad.

Chloe, all the time you have known him he has had the dream of teaching abroad. You said that in your first post.

Here he is, doing that.

He is not giving you any surprises really.

Let him go to St Helena while you get on with your life in the UK or else go with him. He has asked you to go. Your DD could perhaps stay with one of your DCs while she finishes her education. Or you could see your DD's education through to the the end and then join your DP out there.

My guess is that he does not yet want to be tied down to a semi-retired step-grandparent type of life at 43. So young!! Both you and he!!

OK here's my story. Sorry, it's long!

My DP had his kids very young and when we met, his were in their mid-late teens, mine were still primary age. All his adult life he had been married and parenting his kids. He had alsways dreamed of working abroad to further his career and braoden his horizons.

Then he met me. We fell in love (madly) and were very happy together. He still had this dream though.

After 2 years of us being together and him having sole custody of his kids, his kids moved away (abroad) to live with their mother and his "dream" resurfaced. We talked about it a lot and it made my stomach churn every time it was mentioned.

Eventually he told me he was going to apply for jobs. He felt that he had not had a chance ever to just go off and do his thing and the only think keeping him in the UK was me (which was a big thing for us both).

There is no way I wanted to move abroad. DD2 had just started school and tbh I wouldn't dream of taking them away from their dad. As it happened, the area he was going to (middle East) would not have been possible as we are not married.

Anyway, a year after deciding what he wanted to do, he got a job. I am not exaggerating when I say that my heart broke and I honestly felt like we were over. He would be away for 10 weeks at a time, back for 10 days :(

He assured me over and over again that he loved me and was not leaving me. I was broken hearted.

That was 3 years ago and we are still very much together :o

Admittedly, he is on a bettr rotation now but we make it work bcause we both want to make it work. We speak every day. The time we spend together is very special and precious, and we are closer and happier than ever.

I also realised that a mooing, weeping, pining woman is not that attractive - why should he want to come back to me. Instead, I embraced my time on my own. I see my friends, work hard, concentrate on the kids and hog the bed. I have the best of both worlds.

I am currently counting the days till he's home (9!!!). I'm not saying it's not hard. It is. But it's do-able and it's not forever.

Maybe he's a good'un like my DP and when he says he's not leaving you, he means it

It can work. Why not see how it goes. If it's not working, then call it a day. Don't condemn your whole future life on the basis of a few years of not being together every day.

In the meantime, I do sympathise. I remember only too well just how you feel now.

Good luck and feel free to ask any questions you may have!

Sorry that was ling!