partner leaving to work abroad

[chloe2727]

not sure if i should even be on this site but really need someone to talk to...my partner of 8 years is leaving to take a job abroad for 2 years...we have no children together although i have children of my own..they have all left home apart from the youngest who is 17. neither of us have ever been married and started living together within months of meeting.

he is taking a job in the most remotest place i can think of...the island of st helena..its a 9 hour flight on an RAF plane then another 2 days on an RAF boat to even get there...he leaves in 4 weeks

he has said i should go with him...but i also have 5 small grandchildren all aged under 4...my kids live 5 minutes away from us.

i cant leave my family behind...my children and grandchildren are my world and i couldnt imagine not being able to hold any one of them even for a day.

when he leaves i wont see him for a whole year as he can only take 30 days leave from the island at the end of july next year..

he says he will still pay the household bills from his end...and talks as though he will be coming home.

i know im probably sounding silly...but my heart is breaking at the thought of him leaving..he is my soul mate,my hope for the future..

i cant begin to imagine how i will live my life without him...im counting the days until he leaves..i feel like my world has come to an end..i have an ache in my heart that wont go away, i cant stop crying, i go to bed with a broken heart and wake up feeling the same way...i know it sounds crazy and probably not the right thing to say...but to me it seems like im just waiting for him to die...he says all these things about how hes doing it for us and how he will be back and i so desperately want to believe him but my mind wont let me (been hurt so bad in the past)

i have no friends to lean on for support and my children just dont seem to understand the pain im feeling...

please please please tell me how i can survive this

Long! ffs!

Yet again I am compelled to observe that I'd be astonished if the posters who are criticising you for staying to be close to your family, have actual experience of a 17-year old's needs. Much as people might like to think that our job is done when children reach this age, the truth when it comes is that young people of this age need a parent to be close by if there is a choice in the matter.

I also think some posters are neglecting to take in the fact that your partner was making these job applications in secret Chloe. Hence, they are taking his offer for you and your daughter to come too, at face value.

I agree however with those posters who've observed from your later posts that it's always a foolhardy thing to invest too much in too few people; whether that's your partner or your children. You are worth more than the role of partner, mother and grandmother.

If you call this astutely, these two years could be the making of you. You could re-train, kick-start an existing career, develop new interests and hobbies and rekindle or make new friendships. You're a relatively young woman and it's a criminal waste to think that you'd sit there pining while your partner goes off an adventure that you weren't consulted about, despite investing 8 years of your life with him.

He's got every right to chase his dream and every right to end this relationship. However, given that he's adopted a fathering role to your children these past 8 years and has had the benefits of this and from his partnership with you, what's sorely missing here is any reference to his responsibilities. The responsibility to be honest with you about how he sees his future and the responsibility to continue the fathering that he embraced for 8 years. Parenting is not something that you can do for a few years and then get a break from it when it suits you, but not the children.

Havnt read all the posts, sorry but go for a year

Stern, I suspect I am one of those who you believe is criticising the OP. I, like you, feel she is investing too much of herself in her children and grandchildren and yes, her partner. She herself says she has no RL friends. I also believe, as I have already said, that her partner applied in secret because he hoped that she might at least give consideration to the idea if there was a concrete deal on the table, since I suspect that any attempt to discuss it as a hypothetical idea would have led to the weeping and wailing the OP has already said she has been doing.

I DO have experience of 17 year olds and their needs. I do not think having a 17 year old is incompatible with the opportunity she has to spend some time on an 'adventure'. If her 17 year old is going to stay behind to complete A levels, then what is to prevent OP from staying here a year and then joining her DP for the second year? In fact, maybe it would be a good gap year experience for the 17 year old.

But I suspect that the OP has already decided that she will NEVER go because she cannot bear to be away from her children and GC at all. I dread to think what might happen if ever any of her children need to move any distance away. Will they be subjected to emotional blackmail by the OP?

I do feel sad for all parties in this, because I really don't see a solution. The OP doesn't want to be away from her family and her partner doesn't want to give up the opportunity to fulfill a long held dream.

I really feel for you op, imo your dp is a selfish twat. I understand the close bond you have with your family, my family is the same. As a daughter i would never dream of moving so far away from my dm/mil as it would break their heart, and in the same way i know my dm would never move away from all her grandchildren. As for lack of marriage/kids/mortgage not being a commitment, I think thats a bit insulting, staying together for 8 years and being a step parent is a commitment, and if moving to the other side of the world is more important to your dp than remaining together as a family then imho your best rid.

I can honestly say that when any of mine were 17 or 18, it would have been unthinkable to leave them and live in a place that was as inaccessible as St. Helena. IME, it was also very important to them when they started university or first jobs and faced all the uncertainty that went with those new situations, that there was a 'constant' at home. Those first few terms or months are often very tricky for youngsters as they navigate their independence and try to fit in with their new surroundings. It's very common for freshers to be very homesick in their first year, or for new starters in the workplace to wonder if they can hack the world of work. Having the stability of a parent or parents at home is incredibly important to many youngsters of this age, when everything else in their world seems to be shifting.

Delegating this responsibility to independent older children, at least one of whom has children of his/her own, is unfair on them when they have lives of their own and cannot replace the constancy and wisdom of parents.

IMO, this whole scenario would be different if the place were accessible and if the partner hadn't kept the whole thing secret and presented the OP with a fait accomplis.

These children have been encouraged to regard him as a father and it baffles me how anyone who takes that role seriously would want to be parted from them for 2 years, notwithstanding his apparent ease at being parted from the OP for the same amount of time. If this was the OP's husband and he was the children's father and grandfather, I wonder whether posters' responses would be different?

If so, why? He's been with the OP for eight years and has been a father to the DD since she was 9. Doesn't his right to an adventure need to be balanced with some responsibilities to the family he's called his own for 8 years?

I remain of the view that this is an elaborate and cowardly 'Dear John' and would reiterate my advice to you Chloe that instead of waiting for him to return, you work on creating a more fulfilling life for yourself as an independent woman, while still retaining your responsibilities towards - and enjoyment of - your family.

Stern.
Hypothetical is pointless, he isnt their father or g.f
he hardly chose st helena as a dear john. Bit of cop on please.
Yes its hard on 17 yr old, but there is always an excuse not to do something and suddenly your life is gone and over.
Some birds are too pretty to be caged

just spent another sleepless night...up at the crack of dawn...

i am accepting the fact that he is going...doesnt make it any easier for me though...truth is, the hardest part for me is waiting for him to get on that plane...im not a clingy, needy person, im just someone who is devastated that her long term partner will no longer be by her side...

i understand that life moves on..and in time im sure i will come to terms with that but right at this moment in time...im sad...very sad..

as i said before..i knew this was always his dream..and i knew that if he ever decided to fulfil it, i would never stand in his way...i have not and never would beg him to stay, (although i want to) as i know this would not be fair..

if things had been done differently,if he had told me he was applying for this job,then maybe i wouldnt be feeling so hurt...also the fact that it really is such an isolated place to reach is hard for me to understand..usa,australia,middle east...i could of accepted...if things go wrong for him or i...he could just jump on a plane and come home..not so easy when you are on an island with no airport and and the nearest one is a 2 day boat ride away.

i had my children very young..i was 16 in fact when i had my first one...i have five altogether, and between four of them they have 5 amazing beautiful children of their own..one of my sons lives about 2 hours from me...the others, just round the corner, i look after the youngest 2 gc whilst their mums work...so have a huge bond with them, which would be a huge wrench to break away from...but i am not so 'besotted' with my children that i would stand in their way if they wanted to move away...i would support them and never use 'emotional blackmail' to get them to stay..

the 2 men who are my childrens fathers, walked out of mine and their lives and never looked back...i raised my children alone until my partner came along..and i have raised them to be independent people..i have never and would never hold them back..

i am not using 'emotional blackmail' to get my partner to change..im just very very sad at this moment in time...i cant help the way my mind and heart feel over this...maybe he is leaving me for good, maybe he is determined to make this work and come back at the end of it..but right at this moment in time...im hurting...im sad...im brokenhearted

Of course you are brokenhearted. He has behaved like a complete shit in doing all this without discussing it with you.

Just wanted to add my voice to those saying (a) of course you shouldn't go - your daughter needs you, you would be resentful and bored out of your brain, and he clearly doesn't want you there else he would have discussed it with you and (b) build your own life up with work, friends, hobbies.

It doesn't sound like he views the relationship as important and in your position I'd want to be proactive and end it.

He sounds pretty flakey so I reckon there's a chance he'll find it's not all it's cracked up to be and will try to come grovelling back in a few months. Hope he does and you can take pleasure in closing the door in his face if/when that happens.

The lovely bond you have with you GC will still be there if you leave for one year. If I were you I would go with my partner.

Timetoask - don't you think he would at least have told her he was applying for the job if he had wanted her there? Do you think it's a proper relationship if one partner makes major life decisions without consulting the other?

I'm with the others who say go. He is 40 odd, still young enough to do this and not be tied down to a pipe and slippers grandparents role. I do see his side. As I've been all over. I'd find an eastenders situation. Where all your family is on the door daily suffocating and I love my family very much, but me and the kids have lived in some wonderful places.

Chloe did you read my story? Why does him going mean you have to break up?

I think it is so hard, for both of you.
From what you have said, even if he found the perfect job, a great opportunity, the chance of an adventure that has been his life long dream, but slightly closer to home then you still wouldn't want him to go because at this stage in your life you want and need to be around for your 17yr old and your DGC. As you said your 17yr old needs stability and you need to be able to see your DGC every day. So where does that leave him? How long should he wait until the chance to pursue his dream passes him by?
I think he should have discussed it with you first. But be honest, did he? Maybe he tried and you didn't hear him. Maybe it was all pie in the sky for you but for him it was very real.
You sound heartbroken and I really do get that. But maybe he doesn't want to stay in the same place, in the same job until your DC decide to move away. Or if they don't move away, and you couldn't leave them, then what?
I feel for you I really do.

Your 17yo lives at home and you look after 2 of your dgc while their dms work. Have you worked outside of the home at any time or has your dp been the financial mainstay of your family since you began living with him?

He's told you that he will pay the household bills 'from his end' but how will you manage financially if he fails to make good on this promise?

I think the clue is he's picked the most remote inaccessible place in the world. Sorry love. He knows how committed you are to your children and grandchildren and he's got a job there. He knows you won't go.

As hard as it is, you need to move on.

An awful situation, OP, and I feel for you.

But it isn't really out of the blue. There was a very clear catalyst. He was made redundant, and if he was ever going to do this, it would be now. He didn't tell you about the FIRST job he applied for which was wrong, but he did tell you that he was applying for more. Did you ASK him about the jobs? Did you tell him then that you wouldn't be going with him? Did you tell him you would prefer he applied somewhere that you could visit easily and he could come back from easily? Or did you just sit there quietly hoping he would get a job here and that this would all go away.

He has applied for a number of jobs, and it sounds as though he didn't get any of the others, and that this is the first one that he has been offered. The remoteness of the location may be the very reason why he was offered it, as there was less competition from younger teachers, so not entirely his choice. But with you being negative about it he probably wouldn't admit to the fact that it's not really his ideal choice of location. He's just excited that it's 'abroad'.

All the talk of 'emotional blackmail' and you needing to stop relying on your family for your wellbeing & happiness is bollocks. You are obviously just a loving person who values her family and they also love you and rely on you to help them by looking after the DCs. There's no suggestion from your post that any of that is unnaturally close or 'suffocating' its just what loving families do for each other.

I would give anything for my DM & DF to still be around so that I could pop over for a cuppa once a week or ask them to babysit occasionally.

Of course those relationships are more important than following the dream of a man who has shown, at the very least, a total disregard for your wishes and feelings.

You don't need to wait for him to get on that plane you know. If this is the end for you and there is no chance you will be waiting around for him to come home (or not, as he chooses) then you are well within your rights to end it now and ask him to leave. Find out how you can manage your financial situation without his help and cut the ties before he leaves so that you are not left in this awful limbo.

All the talk of 'emotional blackmail' and you needing to stop relying on your family for your wellbeing & happiness is bollocks. - Couldn't agree more.

I see my mum every day, my gran a few times a week. They are involved in lots of other things apart from my family, it's not an either/or. There's no emotional blackmail, all of us feel free to move/get up and go, we stick together because we like it, I'm guessing you are the same, especially if you brought them up as a single mum for a good while.

But, you are right, your life partner getting up and going away is just a sad event and there's nothing you can really do except endure it. It will get better in time, especially once he's left, the waiting is the worst bit.

Please get yourself legal and financial advise so you know where you stand.

The last thing you need is for him to disappear off to the other side of the world then cancel all direct debits/bills/standing orders etc that he pays and the first you know about it is when you are getting cut off or kicked out!

Do not waste two years sitting around pining for a man. How inequal a relationship would that be?

Now is your chance to do something for you even if that is not what you want and hard to think about right now. Get out there. Find yourself a new hobby, a job, do a course. Make some new friends for yourself.

This way if he doesn't come back you have built a new support structure, heck you may not even want him back. If he comes back to you that is a bonus.

Just protect yourself and your home!

" a total
disregard for your wishes and
feelings."
what regard has she shown for his wishes. This was always on the cards, now its reality she has made her choice. Im not going to judge her choice, but from his perspective should he abandon his wishes, to fulfil hers. Thats the path to ruin and resentment !
This is a case of incompatible futures, fault lies no where in terms of their individual wishes. The shame is its not a shared wish

Given that the OP is not married, Xales, there's no need for her to seek legal advice.

He's free to leave the OP at any time and is under no obligation to pay any outgoings for a rented property he's no longer living in unless he's named on a tenancy agreement in which case he's required to give due notice to the landlord and pay rent until such time as the notice period expires.

The same would apply if it were the OP who was setting off for pastures new.

As for the OP enrolling on a course or finding a job, that would seem unlikely given that she cares for 2 of her dgc while their dms work.

I totally agree izzy he can leave whenever he wants and not pay anything. He has made a choice to do the leaving thing even if he says it is temporarily, what is to stop him stopping paying despite saying he will when he is settled?

If he stops paying OP may have to consider that she has to get a job to pay for her and the 17 year old and may not be able to have the DGC any more (sorry I don't know if she said she was paid to have them). This will impact more than just her as her family will have to find ways to cover the child care and OP needs money to live on.

I think OP needs to get advise to make sure she is safe on the housing front to make sure she is safe and has a place to live if he does handed his notice and where she stands if he just stops paying and what support and help she may be entitled to. Maybe not a solicitor but someone or somewhere with enough legal knowledge to know where she stands and to protect herself.

So when her DGC go home to their parents after work what is OP meant to do? Sit in all night and do nothing on her own? Getting out there, getting hobbies and meeting new people will help OP.

OP has four weeks before he leaves to make sure she is sorted. I am just suggesting she is proactive for herself. She is of course free to ignore me totally.

Teaching jobs overseas are indeed hard to come by why his first opportunity might be in an inaccessible location. It is not evident that this man is selfish at all. Op sounds unwilling to compromise in any way. My suggestion would be to post in Living Overseas or in the Times Ed Teaching Overseas forum for some practical, proactive, sensible and informed advice. I am surprised you don't seem to have sounded out your elder children for their views. They must have a fairly good idea of what kind of a person/relationship this is.