Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Ana...in the nicest possible way....coffee???????Why?????????

Hilde so glad you are going to brave telling someone in RL. It makes it somehow more real...scary but good and necessary. And not repeatedly talking to the other half is a good thing. If you speak it should be with purpose (see upthread).

wellies I thought it was rubbish that he knew my NSDH was doing it...unfortunately as time has gone on it appears he does have at least some knowledge of what he is doing....

lady hope you are managing today. I am glad lemon posted...you are not alone.

Grr at his behaviour, Anastasia - totally unreasonable! But :( that he is still there in your life - you can't start your lovely snog search till he's gone, girl!! And I've had twelve years of nothing more than perfunctory kisses cos apparently I just can't do snogging right. I wouldn't recommend it...

Yes fool I know I'm not detached enough, I know.

I'm looking forward to lovely snogs wellies I keep banking on him leaving and find it difficult to do it myself. I don't know why. He's so horrible to me. He really is.

I've told people in rl too, told all the girls at work. They were appalled by nsdhs behaviour and said I don't have to stay and put up with it. Another said she is considering leaving hers for the same reasons.

I've sort of decided I want to be out by the end of September. I'm just so scared I'm making the wrong decision.

Reading these threads is really bringing home to me the utter c**p I go through on a daily basis at the hands of FWH. More frustrated with the fact that I managed to eliminate him from the family home at the beginning on April but he somehow managed to wangle his way back in by taking the opportunity to attack when I was at my most vulnerable. He has been home now for about 5 weeks how much longer can I go on. I cannot have a normal conversation with him without it turning into a discussion that revolves around him first - me #7 the kids come after.

And lost I really do not think he realises what he is doing because it is something he has always done. I should have been more aware that he was not the victims in his previous relationships the women he destroyed were. Why did I not realise that knowing he has already been married I cannot remember how many times?!!

I need to get a grip I have completely 4 years at university so I can get a better job (hence the newbeteacher) I would like to get a job where it was Ok that there were other males within my vicinity without having to be subjected to 20 questions. It's funny really that he is so paranoid that I may go off with another man seeing as he was the one that had the affair -which of course was my fault!! AS is everything else in life.

It does my head in that he can be soooo nice one minute but with a simple comment, tone of voice or passive aggressive body language it can change in a split second.

So anyway I have a decision to make - he is away and an ideal opportunity to remove him from the property. This is what I had to do before because he would not go & was the least disruptive for the DC's. Or do I carry on feeling utterly utterly miserable? Family and friends know have done for a while as my sister went through similar thing with her XFWP - that is when I began to get my lightbulb moments lots of similarities. Have a support worker from domestic abuse support service through my housing association so lots of support. Just need to lose the guilt cos he certainly does not feel any x

hello everyone. I haven't posted On here in ages but I thought I would drop by. Hope u r doing ok.
Veee , it is such a big step to take and u will question yourself but its good that u have set a target date for when u will do it and just remind yourself when u r worrying about if it is right or not that u deserve to b happy, this is your on life and can u really go on any longer just putting up with him? u can do it Xx

Me n lo are still in refuge, moving to another city soon. I am starting to feel a bit stronger but I now realise it will take years to recover. My ex has continued to bully and manipulate me so I have decided to move to where I originally wanted to b with my friends but I was so shocked when he told ,e that he is going to move their too so he can be a 'proper dad' to his daughter. Groan... Will he ever leave me alone?

Idiot? In what way? You are not an idiot in the slightest!

Have told my parents, by email. Now waiting nervously for reply. Part of me wishes I could reach through the ether and retrieve it before it's read - just so worried, like you hilde that I'll be told it's nothing really. Hmm.. just thought - I wonder why we think that will be someone's reaction to something important to us? Could it be that that is what we're used to?! Proof we're not idiots, then!

hilde you're not an idiot. How many names do you see on this thread? Lots. All in the same ill-fated boat. We're just the ones who have acknowledged it and are talking about it. Tip. Of. The. Iceberg.

Taking the first step is important; it's rare to bolt over night. There are a few false starts. But that's okay.

One of the first rules of this place is that no one judges decisions; it's nice to have somewhere you can be honest. I talk the talk with my RL friends; this place is where I admit I've been suckered in. No shame please.

I'm glad your friend is there for you. I'm really lucky, one of my friends knows alot about EA and DV so is sickly sweet to my FW - she knows if she's frosty with him, I'll be isolated and be on my own. So she sits with her cats bum face trying to compose herself when he's being abusive.

Wish you all the luck in the world. My friend told me this: when a caterpillar is about to break free from its Chrysalis, that's when change is most painful before or when we?ve outgrown something in our lives. You could stop or give up even if you've outgrown your shell but might be afraid to expand to our new form.

It will be okay xx

hilde not really a drip feed...more of lightbulbs going on. (you are now completely flood lit...but don't be surprised if you keep on remembering things over the next weeks and months that have been buried). Your friend sounds like a good one to have in your corner. So glad.

I really suggest that you contact Women's Aid in your area, it usually takes a while to get a support worker but they are really worth their weight in gold and will know the local solicitors who give free first consultations and are "good" with domestic abuse.

glad you are safe sunrise hope your ex gets a new obsession soon.

veeeee it is unlikely you are making a mistake...but if you are it would not be irreversible......good to have a plan

I am getting desperate and need some advice. How do I get him out of the house. The domestic violence unit say there is nothing I can do unless he hits me. He is yelling at me all the time now in front of DS's and they are now copying him. They treat me as though Iam equal to him and say " I'm telling daddy of you" if I try they are doing /saying something they shouldn't and I tell them off. He doesn't tell them off for anything anymore so I am always bad mummy. I am trying to find somewhere to live but I'm so scared to leave at the same time. We are not married and I have been told because of this I have full parental responsibility and that if I think he wouldn't bring them back if he took them for the day then I am not to let him take them. He bullies them as much as me but for some reason they forgive him.
He goes from being nice to vile in minuets. I can't eat,I shake all the time. I want him to go until I can move out. I am so desperate i feel like just getting in my car and driving and driving and driving...

Hi rotool support and good wishes to you. I feel so bad for you and your dcs. They can't help that he's brainwashing them btw. As to how to get him out, I would love to know the answer to that as I am in the same situation! Sorry not much advice but support and good thoughts from me until someone wiser comes along.

Ho Ro are you in touch with Women's Aid? The safest and simplest way to get him out of your life would be to leave with the children and go to a refuge. He is Verbally abusive and Emotionally abusive, these are in the government's definition of domestic violence...he does not have to hit you for you to get help.

Your children will always love him because he is Daddy, that does not mean they like him or feel safe or that he is a good father. he is just all they know.

Have you seen a solicitor?

Get in touch with WA today, Ro. From what I've heard, they're brilliant. You're living in fear and despair - that's not how your life should be. Good luck making the call.

Reply from my parents this morning. They didn't say leave the bastard(!) but they are concerned and supportive. Have seen his bad behaviour directed at his sister. Think he has no capacity for empathy. And realise a way forward is not straightforward. Phew... I feel stronger.

And got an apology this morning from h for an earlier criticism! Well, it was "meant to be a joke, sorry if it came out the wrong way." Hmmm... still better than no apology, I think.

wellies so glad response from dps was supportive. It really gave me strength having my dm in the know too (df sadly passed away many years ago - would have been a lot stronger with him to back me up )

Hilde that's my plan too! Waiting till Sep is great idea, kids in routine, summer chaos no longer a factor, holidays out the way etc. You sound so strong and much happier in yourself :)

FW has been a prat tonight with dd. DD is at very annoying age and is playing up a lot - but we're the grown ups so need to handle it with understanding. His version of being a parent tonight was to repeatedly shout "shut up" and refer to her as "foul" I am ALL the more determined as a result, the childish, selfish FW

I've been trying to get through to WA for hours this evening but noones answering I desperately need help with finances and making sure he can't take dd away from me

I re-read the chapter on mental health in Should I Stay last night and I'm wondering if h might be narcissistic. Now, what on earth do I DO with that? How can I find out if I'm right? Does it even matter? What's the next step??!

Any advice, anyone?

hilde I'm with you on that one. I am so aware of his behaviour now he just annoys & p***s me off. He has been away all week and he can still be mean I we the phone. He comes home tomorrow if it wasn't for the fact that I am completely emotionally drained I'd have packed his stuff up already. Annoyed with myself he is making me utterly miserable which in turn makes DCs unhappy just need to find one last bit of inner strength x

wellies really really don't diagnose yourself with anything until you have been out for a while. And btw I have never met a narcissist who looks at a description and says hey I am a narc.

It is too hard to sort out what makes you like you are until you have fully detached. EG most of us will look back at an EA relationship and see elements of EA coming from us too....also sometimes violence etc. we have to take responsibility for those actions and attitudes BUT it does not mean they are normal parts of our personality necessarily...they may just be abnormal and poor coping responses to environmental stress. deal with the behaviours, yes. But don't label yourself with anything until you are out of the FOG.

hilde yes, the future is bright, tick off the weeks. it's not that long. Use the time...love your DCs......and the dog!!

Anastasia... have you (re-)read that link "20 signs you're with..." from the top of the thread? That has an exit plan for leaving while making him think he's making the decision (basically). It sounds well thought out. Print it out and stick it on your bathroom mirror!

We'll still welcome you on here once you've escaped from him, y'know. Show it to that excellent rl friend of yours (the one who sucks up to him) and see if she can help you through it.

Okay. Enough lecturing. Returning to my own mess of a life, now! :o

no, no, I think fw is the narc!