Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Thanks, I can't tell the police because they don't help me. I would sound like a complete nutcase if I went into it further, but even my solicitor agrees that I will need to leave the county if I ever want the police to help me with anything.

Yes, I have done an awful lot of work on myself so that I don't have these sort of people in my life anymore. It just really gets me down that they keep appearing. I hadn't seen this man for 10 years and figured a brief chat in the street would be ok, but clearly not.
I haven't told him where to go properly yet. I've realised i still hold a lot of anger for how he treated me. I don't want that coming across all these years later so am working on a polite F* Off! :)

Ami thank you for your hugs and trying thanks for your thoughts x
Fool i already keep diaries, one for me as ive always kept one, one for my solicitor but the ones i'd keep for the children will just be about them nothing about their father and the divorce.
Fingers its lovely to hear from you, how are you and your children? I just pray that they will in time see through him and let me back into their lives. I never dreamt that getting my abusive, nasty H out of my life that I would lose my children in the process. I stupidly had visions of a happy future :(
today even though it will kill me to do it ive decided to do diary and scrap book and like you say add some memories of special times, thanks for the idea
wishing peace and strength to us all

^I feel as though now I know, people are judging me on how long it takes because of the dcs^.

I know and it can be good to have that pressure so we don't just sit and panic.....I certainly used it to motivate me out...for the DCs. But the judgement call you make is what is RIGHT not what others may or may not think. This is the big change in the way we are...our own decisions for the right reasons not for the sake of how it looks.

a whole new world?

I feel that way about staying / not moving on quickly re DCs; it inhibits me from continuing with Lundy actually, because I feel this chasm of guilt. But the only good thing I can say about FWH is that a lot of the time he is a good dad. It's the occasional outbursts, the disrespect of me, the coldness in the home and the subliminal constant message of blame on everyone (apart from him of course) that I feel is so damaging to the DCs. The sooner I make the break, the sooner I can get the kids back on an even keel. But it's bloody hard to "make the break" - it's years of manipulation and brainwashing that we have to overcome from clever, nastily strong and powerful influences - hardly surprising it's hard to make a move. But we are acknowledging and trying to get there, so that's a huge plus in our favour. Thing is, we're so used to being "judged", we fall into default guilt mode. But we're not the ones at fault here :)

thank you so much to everybody for your kind and wise words, they are helping me through the fog.

feeling stronger. thank you.

Sometimes in life you just have to gird your loins and get on with what is right.

I also hated the deception, it is not me, but (and I was proven right later) although he was not normally violent this did change later and i was glad that I had kept schtum for a few weeks to get things safely worked out.

remember you can't rescue anyone by thinking about it....action is required at some point and when DCs are involved it all gets so much more difficult and urgent.

basking that is nice to know

going to say goodnight for now as I actually do have a realish life...and have neglected it very much today.

take care all you lovely ladies and gentlemen

It is never too late to show a young woman what should be the norm for a proper relationship.

Once out you will have many ways and times to talk and to show here where you went wrong, why and what you needed to know (the difference between selfishness and self-worth, the line between standing up for yourself and putting someone down, the right to have boundaries and to enforce them)

I would say it is the IDEAL time to show her...use the media, use films (Bridget Jones anyone?) teach her to look for the equal respectful partnership and to spot the needy users/controllers/abusers.

and YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING TO THEM....the guilt belongs solely to him. you were trying to make it work, in the best ways you knew how. Now you will find the strength to rescue them and you.

look how far you have travelled in a day! No wonder you feel tired and strained.

Be kind to yourself.

Hildebrand your dd1 has a loving and supportive mum - that's beyond priceless. I grew up in a very chaotic and somewhat abusive environment at times. Looking back, being rescued at 15 and helped to heal would not have been "too late", it would have been just the right time :) In fact I wasn't helped then or any time, I was left to flounder and only began to sort myself out as an adult and am not there yet, but I think if I'd had help as a teen, my life would have changed. So in other words, it's not too late for any of your dcs :) it's in good time! You're clearly a great mum and that's the most important thing. You've recognised the problem - also important. You're looking for a solution - you are doing everything right, well done, you. Support and hugs to you.

Trying i feel the same as a general rule NSDH is a good dad which makes things so much harder. Your post has really helped me I am the queen of guilt because he is all knowing - he knows how I will react. Exit plan is at first stage x

Here you are! Will read back and post tomorrow

No Losers on here hilde just wobbly winners!

ladybird I read your post and was sad for you and your children. Be patient and take the long view! You have been their mum a long time.

I have had to live apart from my DC for two years now as they all stayed in our family home with their DF when I left. They are older and at Uni so I have worked hard to rebuild our relationship. I try to spend time with each of them as often as I can, such as taking DS for driving practice or helping DD2 with horsy stuff or Uni shopping. or watching The Killing on DVDs. I stay cheerful and never discuss their DF or the divorce. I still do all the mum type nagging they are used to and sort out their finances etc. They respond very well and seem relieved I am still the same.
My FWH uses them as confidants, has cried in front of them and gets them to do the housework and cooking (which is probably good for them!) He also spends lots of money on them which I can't afford to do.

Every now and then they will tell me how bad they feel or talk about their sorrow at our family breaking. Gradually it is getting better. In the autumn I am taking them all away for a week together and I am so looking forward to it!
It isn't exactly what I wanted but it is okay and I am happy and calm.

How can we help you?

Oh Lemon sorry cant post at moment, your post has opened flood gates, Bless you xxx

Morning, all! Anastasia, keep thinking of you - are you staying strong? So wish I'd had the guts to get out early...

Well, I keep telling myself everything's fine; I don't have half the stuff to deal with that others here are mentioning, so it's probably not abuse at all. Lundy suggested (in SISOSIG) the first step is to try to talk to him about how his behaviour makes me feel. I thought, oh, I haven't done that for ages, that'll probably work; he's probably only a FW because I don't explain that his behaviour makes me unhappy.

The conversation followed the pattern you wiser women will expect: it turned round entirely from me: "I feel very criticised at the moment" to him: "you're the one who's critical; I am doing the best I can; I'm too busy and important to help out much in the house; don't rely on me for anything, of course I'll help when I have the time to."

Left for the school run with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Of course. That's why I don't talk to him about anything that matters to me any more. If it involves him, I'm attacking him. If it doesn't involve him, I'm stupid to let it bother me. Not that he'd ever say I'm stupid. He's too subtle. He has all the right behaviours masking all the wrong attitudes.

This marriage isn't going to work in the long run, is it? Unless I put up and shut up. And that seems to be having effects that I didn't realise were there. I was skim-reading the "Am I the problem?" chapter of SISOSIG the other day and it said, "Do you frequently search the kitchen for something to eat to make you feel special?" Erm. Yes yes yes! That is just what I do. You're saying that's because I'm not getting love from the direction it should be coming from??! You mean this is affecting me and I'm not the same person I would be in another relationship? I am sooo good at ignoring what's really going on; all this is taking me hugely by surprise.

Now, should I tell someone irl? I don't really have close friends; haven't lived here long enough and can't keep friendships close when they're long-distance (too phone-phobic). So it'd be my parents. I know they often have reservations about his behaviour; but they also believe marriage is for life and might not understand what EA is. Trying to second-guess their reaction, though; might be better to get it out there and find out what they really think. At least then I know where I stand.

Still, do feel I've made progress as that's the first time I've called him a FW! :o

Hi newbe it's interesting coming on here and seeing our patterns in others, I agree. It's so helpful (once I got over the shock of it!) and gave me so much strength.

Lost I so know what you mean. It can be so subtle, can't it - and it creeps up on us, that's why we stay - from the outside people might say why do we put up with it, but a slow erosion of self esteem, a slow build up of spaghetti head and here we are.... Once I finally told my mum, I felt liberated, stronger and supported. I took me ages though, as I knew that once she was told, there was no going back. It's really brought us closer and I was also able to call her on a few jaw dropping moments in childhood, which she has acknowledged and expressed regret for - it's improved our relationship so much; an unexpected benefit of opening up to her.

hildebrand loved the apple pie crumbs on chin . I eventually managed to follow same route re disengaging - FWs don't want to talk constructively, they want to manipulate (even if this is completely unrealised by them).

It's Should I Stay or Should I Go, also by Lundy. I bought it rather than Why Does He Do That? because it was available on kindle and the other one would have to be delivered to the door or a curious third party!! Will get the other book probably once I've finished this, but this one is a good book and full of information.

That "not realising he's doing it" is so true`, trying - I keep reading things and thinking, but he's not that calculating about it! No matter, he's manipulating, and he's happily ignoring the damage he's doing and the unhealthy behaviour.

Hello wellies I'm sort of holding my own, but not as out of it as we would all like me to be. In the fog I guess. Been a ridiculous few days and I'm in the middle of a spat with him (due to meet for a coffee, he's late, I see some people I know and stop to say hi, he walks in, sees me talking to them and walks straight out and texts me to tell me off for putting other people first, calls me and I hang up because I am not being shouted at for nothing).

I'm being very unhealthy I know that.

Lady I'm so sorry about what you are going through. My mum tried to do the same with us when my parents split up, I don't know how we held on to make the right decision (my mum being the abusive parent obvs).

newbeteacher and hilde helloo there

and hello to my fellow friends on here of course!