Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh, and I forgot an important part of that conversation, just before he asked me if I still had feelings for him.

NSDH: Do you think things are getting better between us?
Me: Not really.

I know he's trying to make a few changes, but I had to be honest. It's just not enough, it's not the RIGHT changes. I feel now that I should have been more positive, told him the few good changes he's made, it was obvious he was very deflated.

Nini, that's how I feel too. That he's been trying to make changes, but they're not enough, and not in the right areas. There's still an awful lot wrong. What's the way forward for you next? Do you have another appointment to go to? It would have been good I think if after bringing it up he'd actually gone ahead to initiate the conversation, I wonder why he didn't.

I told NSDH yesterday that I couldn't go to his uncle's funeral with him. I just couldn't. I couldn't face all his family that I don want to see, and I can't pretend we are a loving supporting couple and deal with all the grief of a funeral. His response was all about him: That's a shame, suppose it's just me going myself then, sure I'll b ok. I can hear the subtle dig in that, it's not just me is it?

And after last Thursday night, when he was trying to talk me into going to his sister's wedding this weekend and I said I'd think about it, he went ahead and told his sister that I'd be going (even though I specifically said that if I did decide to go, it would just be to the ceremony and not the meal/after stuff). I'd decided that similarly, I couldn't face a family function like that. And I definitely couldn't face his mum, I'm not sure how I'll be with her now I know how she treated him as a child.
So, text today, asking me if I'm def going to the wedding, he's being asked about seating. I text back saying that I've thought about it, I don't think it's the right thing for me to go, I'm really sorry but I need to put myself first, etc. All I got back was: That's really disappointing, don't know what to say. So, all his insistences last week that the decision on going or not was up to me, and whatever I decided would be fine, that was all rubbish? And why was he being asked about seating plans for me when I'd specifically said I wouldn't go to the meal? Is it just me, or is the whole thing just another big manipulation? honestly, tell me, I've lost the ability to tell if I'm being really mean and I should go to the wedding, or if he's trying his hardest to get me to do what he wants, regardless of what I want.

I'm just so tired. Am taking the boys up to his for dinner tonight. Can hardly keep my head off the floor. Had a day shopping with my mum that nearly brought me to tears on several occasions (because I hate how I look, nothing fits, everything looks shit, even my mum is more stylish than me, etc, yadda). Just want to go to bed.

Pony trust your instincts. Total manipulation on NSDH part. It is so much easier to see a clearer picture when FWH is around to turn head to spaghetti. You do what's best for you & stick to your decision. Well done you big hugs xx

Thanks newbe. Just off to take boys up and face him - joy indeed.

How things with you now?

Agree with newbe Curtis - detach detach detach! Keep your chin up lovely, I know it's hard. Big hugs.

NSDH has his lone appointment with the Relate councillor next week (we have to have separate ones as she says they have to do that due to the previous DV before she will decide if its safe for us to have couples counselling). Then we have a week on hols (dread), then my lone appointment. Regarding him not initiating the conversation, this is how he is with lots of things, avoids doing/talking about them in the hope I'll do it all for him. Points out things then waits for me to sort it out - maddening.

And yes, how are you newbe

And meant to say - well done Anastasia - sounds like you've made some significant attitude changes. I love some of your comebacks, I need a bank of these. How's the FW taking to that? What's his reaction?

If it'd be no trouble, I'd like to borrow some of your attitude, I need a boost, I'm back to doormat-flat! Just had an awful time up at NSDH's, but have to do some work that's due for tomorrow so I'll update properly later, if I can.

Nini, so you've only got about 10 days till you're going on holiday with him? That's going to be hard work for you, I know. Will you be able to escape and get off on your own at all?
Also, I know what you mean about thinking you're not enough for DD, I used to worry that about DS1. I don't think it was true for me either, it was just my low self-esteem, and my general worries and guilt about motherhood, and worrying that DS1 preferred being with other people anyone else to me. It wasn't true, but I convinced myself it was, and it made me sad. So put it out of your head (so easy to do, I know...) and enjoy DD, she will always love spending time with you.

Help yourself ponygirl - I will use your admiration to spur me on and if I think of anymore, I will post. He seems a bit bemused to be honest - he doesn't appear to respond, but I feel better anyway. We will see how long this Anastasia lasts - strong Anastasia is about as reliable as FWs Dr Jekyll persona, but I will persevere. Strong Anastasia is real even if she is fleeting, his nice side is not. Today, we went for lunch but I ended up leaving work early due to illness and he was LOVELY but I knew it was all an act. Also refused to give him money for the pub tonight (he's a sponge) and have gone cold on texting because I texted thanking him for looking after me when I was ill and that I loved him (see - weak!) and his response 'just bumped into [name of ex] asking me what I was up to these days'. I don't mind him talking to people, exes included - I mind that as a response to me saying I love him, and I also mind that I get shit if I talk to a man I work with etc - let alone an ex. The double standards are infuriating.

Home with a cold and hot water bottle. Better than being at his house waiting on him hand and foot. Which by the way, I've knocked on the head. I was with friends this weekend, a married couple and their newly engaged friends. They were sweet enough but the fiancée was waiting on the fiancé hand and foot and my friend commented that no wonder he put a ring on it. I thought it just looked pathetic and realised that's what I look like and that I'm worth more than that. It should be give and take.

Keep bemusing him! If for no reason other than your own amusement. A few times, in the middle of arguments I've turned NSDH's tactics back on himself and had a bit of fun with it - mocking him in a silly voice, mimicking, etc. He was shocked, then indignant that I was speaking to him like that, which was almost as amusing (before realising what I was doing - and then, miraculously, backed off a bit). I felt about 5 years old and felt guilty for it afterwards, but it was some playground fun. Couldn't keep it up though, that's just not me. I need to be more serene like you and less playgroundy.

Completely with you on the double standards. When we got engaged, NSDH2B demanded that I give up all contact with anyone I'd remotely had any kind of 'relations' with and tell them I was getting married, which meant having to end contact with a couple of people I considered good friends. And at one point after DS2 was born, he was hurting and frightening me trying to wrestle my mobile out of my hand (while I was breastfeeding) because he demanded I delete two men's names off my contacts list, which he'd found going through my phone (and not for the first time!) - both were just friends, nothing more, but he wouldn't believe it (even insinuated that one of them was DS2's 'real' father ). Then I found out he'd recently had a text from an ex about meeting up again. I sneaked a look at his phone (I know...), and his reply was all very innocent... except for the fact that he made no mention of now being married, or having just had a baby days before.

Hope you feel better soon Anastasia. You sooooo are worth more than that FW has to offer. Which is nothing.

Curtis We're going away with another (childless) couple, they are good friends luckily. But I'm not hopeful, when we went away with a different couple (also childless) last autumn it was so so so awful, I was left to do everything with DD and got home in a more tired state than when I left.

I'm trying to think about my time with DD like this - if I can make her laugh at least once, I'm doing something right. Don't know if thats the right mantra with a 19 month old though.

Agree about double standards. We had always been in agreement (when dating) that we would treat each other with the same respect that we wanted back. My eyes were truly opened the weekend before our wedding - he was drunk and told me (in front of all his friends) that the weekend of my hen do he stayed overnight at a girl's house 'comforting' her as her relationship with a friend of his had broken down. He swears they didn't do anything 'but cuddle', and it made me realise he never respected me at all. . I should have left him then.

Anyway, hope everyone is doing ok today. We are worth more!!!

Oh and we had our chat last night. After we'd eaten he asked if we should have it, I said yes, he then said "You start" so I said "No, you need to start for a change" and he responded with "I ALWAYS start" in a singsong voice that sounded like he was mocking my words from the day before. Was a bit but let it go.

Nini - if your dd isn't whining, she's happy. (And of course they all whine sometimes!) If you're watching her, listening to her, chatting to her, she'll most likely be happy. You're not boring to her - she'll have fairly mundane interests and will be fascinated by a conversation about her body parts, for example! :o So relax and enjoy her. Do you take her to the playground at all? Sorry if I'm treating you like an eejit.

And I think the supermarket is quite an adventure at that age! The ride in the trolley, all the stuff to look at, people-watching (checking out the other toddlers...).

Not at all, wellies, I have so few mummy friends to interact with I appreciate the input. And yes, we have several playgrounds near us so I do try to take her once a week (if the weather's good!). We also have a soft play place about 10 mins walk away, but that's hell on earth. It's just hard to relax when you've got nobody in RL to point you in the right direction if that makes sense.

Hope you're well?

Yes, thanks. NSDH is away for a couple of days, so we are all relaxed and enjoying the last few days of the holidays. Actually, he's still on his best behaviour since I told him last month that I wasn't thinking in terms of marriage forever any more. So I'm enjoying that. Although it's already fading, I think!

Feel free to PM me if you want further ideas or reassurance. I felt like you do with DD1... but she's nearly 9 now and my fourth is 2yo - I'm more confident these days.

Oh god I remember soft play from way back. Aargh!

Paint/crayons? water play (measuring stuff in plastic cups and tupperware etc? baking (rolling bits of pastry till they are grey sausages and then baking them)? just walking round your area discussing stuff and ending up with a large number of 'interesting stones' in your handbag? Following the bin lorry round was always a favourite with mine! At that age they are trying to work out how the world works, the minutia of life was a fascination. And I found it fascinating to listen to them work it all out.

Thanks wellies, that's very kind of you. Some days I'm fine, other days I wobble about my parenting abilities. I guess we've all been there!

Loving the baking idea silver, she likes to watch me cook. And then eat. Will be trying that! Watching the bin men is a fave hobby in this house too, and waiting for the postman.

Marking place ......

nini I found that age quite difficult to deal with too...I actually felt relieved going back to work full time when DS was 20 months old (feel ashamed to admit that).

My suggestion is just to talk talk talk. Describe everything. Explain what everything is. Even if she's not really acting like she's listening. It will really help with her language and cognitive development....and if you talk about things that are funny it may help you to feel happier too

TBF I'm finding this age easier than when she was teeny, I didn't have a clue, had no support (no family, few friends, uninterested NSDH), so was literally climbing the walls to get back to work when she was 6 months. At least now she 'gives' a little back. I'm just very conscious that everything I'm doing is shaping her little personality and worried that what I do will harm her future self.

But I digress. Still no plans for the weekend so told NSDH I was thinking of taking DD to the harbour to see the boats tomorrow. He was very excited by this as he gets the day 'to study'. I was actually kinda hoping he'd join us but whatever.

My NSDH does that, too: "Oh good, a quiet house," like he never wanted 4 kids. These days, I tend to think we'll have more fun without him, though.

Nini I think you'll have a much nicer day on your own. I know what you mean though, you kinda want them to want to be with you, even though you know it'll be awful if they're there.

I felt the same as you about worrying with DS1 that I was messing him up in some way. I always felt I was a bad mum if I wasn't doing stuff. We do give ourselves a hard time. But getting out the house with him as often as possible helped me - it took up some time, and I felt better for some fresh air and change of scenery.

Some other ideas - I had a friend who struggled with the afternoon lulls (both in herself and with her DD getting bored/tetchy). She quite often stuck DD in the bath in the middle of the afternoon to have a tea-party, slung some toy cups and teapots in there too for good measure! Think that saved her sanity on many a day.

That's exactly it, Curtis, you want them to want to spend time with you. And isn't it amazing that they think "Oh good, a quiet house" for themselves as a treat but never equate that with "maybe Nini would like a quiet house to herself sometime too?" and reiprocate. Pure selfishness.

DD loves bath teaparties, except she drinks all the bath water

Quick clarification that I'm not being unreasonable please.

FW has the grump on because the Bank of Anastasia has declined his loan application. He got some from his dad but has basically just been an arsehole but dressing it up as anxiety/depression which he knows I've suffered from, so obviously trying to invoke sympathy. I suggested I go home, he says he just needs sleep but wants me to wait for him to sleep it off. I reluctantly agree. We are waiting at the bus and he stroppily asks for a taxi, I refuse. I'm stood opposite him. He says: look at me again and I'll punch you in the face

I walked off.

I obviously wasn't at risk what with being in public. But still.

He starts texting and points out yes, he did say that, I have actually done it. ( I did once. Not proud of it but I slapped him when I found out he'd kissed a girl at a party we were both at). I know it was wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right though.

Am I being over the top?

Mine has never threatened violence (although in our mixed up youth we have hit each other), but the usual MN reply would be, I think, yes, this was a threat, yes you were right to walk away.

Your para re loan and the reference to sleeping it off were a bit lost on me, sorry.

I presume you left the texts unanswered?