Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

'am the' (even my bloody smartphone is manipulating my words now!)

Agree bertie. I've never behaved violently towards NSDH, but during the session when he claimed I attacked him first he said he had scratches on his face - if he did (I never saw any scratches) it was due to me trying to defend myself as he threw me up the stairs into our living room.

Hope everyone is doing ok, very quiet here it seems.

I am reluctant to post this incase I jinx it...

NSDH just texted me. He's been looking at houses to rent this morning...

Last night I asked him for the umpteenth time if he would agree to sell the house and if he would please move out ASAP.

Maybe he's finally taken the hint?

Disclaimer (there has to be one doesn't there?!)...he doesn't think he'll be able to afford to give me much (or any) money towards the mortgage while the house sells

Methinks the twunt is so self obsessed that he hasn't even considered that he will have to pay child support or maintenance...all he seems to have calculated for in his 'budget' is looking after himself...

Hi, don't know if this is the right place to post, but I think my H is abusive. I've posted on MN before under various nicknames and the response has always been "leave him". I think I'm coming round to that idea now, ironically he has got better the last year, I just feel like I've lost my patience. He has practically quit hash, which was a major cause of his angry mood swings, although he still looses it regularly. My main problem is my health. I'm quite ill (heading towards going on transplant list in the next few years) and he seems incapable of getting his head round the fact that I need help around the house. I get exhausted easily, but I still get no help. He organised a dinner party for our mutual friends (20 people) and then leaves me to do all the prep and tidy up. I went into hospital for 2 weeks, I was the most ill I have ever been. He couldn't cope and took 2 weeks off work to deal with his "stress". He messed up the house, left it for me to sort when I came back and then went back to work the day after I came out of hospital (he apologised for the mess, said he had planned to get a cleaner in to sort it before I got back, but didn't manage to - he still didn't help me though). I feel I have to leave for the sake of my health and for the future of my DD. He says he cares but doesn't understand his own behaviour.

He is constantly suggesting sex, even when I warn him that I need rest and understanding. Then he throws a tantrum about me rejecting him. It's not we don't ever get physical, it's at least 5 times a week. Apparently I'm "always ill". This isn't true, I push myself as hard as I can to be normal and not to ask for help. I don't know why I'm posting, I don't know how to get out of this mess.

It helps just to vent, I find sunflower. And it is not like one bound and you are free - there is a process of coming to, like waking slowly from a dream. Your mind gets warped by being in an EA relationship, and needs time to readjust - I am getting a picture in my mind of the Rhinofloor vinyl we used to have - the cooker etc would dent it, but it would always slowly spring back!

Thanks for your advice. We had a huge argument this morning about my rejection of him and how I'm not a good wife with regard to housework. There have been other issues in our marriage I won't go into now. It has been dawning on me the last year that this is all so very wrong and I have started to stand up to him much more. I was more of a shell then, always walking on eggshells. I can feel myself changing, I have such a temper now. I used to be so calm and patient.

I was ready to pack my bags and go to my mum's this morning but I can feel myself calming down now and will probably stay. I feel ashamed of myself about why I don't have the strength to leave.

I haven't had time to go through this thread yet and read your stories, so apologies if I've just gone on about my issues.

Sunflower, its a bit like being an alcoholic, admitting there's a problem is a huge step, it doesn't mean you're magically cured but its vital to take that first step towards recovering yourself, so posting here is a brilliant move in that respect.

Once you start to take note of things that happen within your relationship, read about others' experiences etc you will gain the strength you need to make the right decisions for you. In the meantime this is a great place to let it out, share your situation with people who understand and get some perspective.

There is no rush to make changes, you need to make them when you feel able to, but you will find that just acknowledging that there is a problem and having support from like-minded people will help you.

FWIW, it sounds to me like your H expects an awful lot from a wife and even one in perfectly good health would be unlikely to give him what he seems to want (a perfectly tidy house, domestic servant and sex every day) - the fact he makes no allowance for your illness, especially taking time off while you were ill, then leaving you alone with all his mess when you got home is spectacularly selfish.

I must admit, this is one area where I knew my X would let me down - I remember my darling dad visiting my mum in hospital every day when she had a stroke. Then he came home, looked after us all and worked all night to keep the money coming in. I knew in my heart that my H would have come up with 101 excuses not to visit me, to keep working instead, thinking of the practicalities, the money, what is sensible, but never thinking of ME. A loving supportive partner would never behave that way.

I hope you start to get some clarity on your situation from this thread and start blooming into the bright, cheerful and optimistic flower you can be, even with your illness to contend with xxx

Marking place

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing!!

What's up veeeee?

He's out of the house, he has decided no contact because that's what's best for me to help me fix myself. Im to let him know when ive decided what I want to do.

Should I just give him a chance to prove he's changed?

Hello all,
I've decided to leave the thread if that's okay. I've come a long way in three years, and have finally sorted out my ex in my head. I will probably be along from time to time for support but I feel I have now moved on a bit with my life. I am now trying to sort out another part of it, and need all my energy for that. You have been a fantastic, wonderful bunch of women to know, thank you all for allowing me to be here to share and help.
Today x

Today that's great though obviously sad to see you go.

veeeee I suspect you are doing too much thinking and putting pressure on yourself to decide something. I would suggest thinking through your options as dispassionately and thoroughly as your can, and enjoying the here and now. Ime decisions often emerge slowly, creep up on you almost, and forcing it is not necessarily good.

(An example of me nearly making an externally driven decision, but pulling back: early in the divorce process, a talk with a well-meaning friend meant I spent a day looking at properties for me ( with ex along!) and being almost sure I'd go 50/50. That night I couldn't sleep, that night I (re-)realised I had to fight and that I had nearly made a decision that I would have regretted)

Today, I think you've reached the point that we're all aiming for. Congratulations! All the best and fantastically well done.

Veeeee, I can understand your dilemma. It's horribly hard to go no contact, I found myself desperately wishing for just one little text telling me he loved me. Then when it came (sometimes several texts a day), I found it overwhelming and didn't want to read them. I was stuck in that 'want you/don't want you' feeling for ages and it's very unsettling.

In terms of your NSDP, I've heard it said before that if an abusive man is really thinking about his partner and the damage he's done to them, he wouldn't want to see her and inflict himself on her again until he's done a lot of work on himself and can be sure he wont hurt her (emotionally or physically) again. Is that what you think is happening with your NSDP? It could be. Of course, it could also be another ploy to manipulate you, thinking that you'll then be the one to come running to him, begging him to come back. (Especially if he's saying that he's giving you time to fix yourself, rather than him fixing himself.... ) Either way, I think you need to be strong and go with the no contact. Give him the benefit of the doubt (for now), let him make the effort to show he's changed, and really means it by respecting the no contact decision.

How does that feel to think about doing that?

Lol text this morning saying he doesn't like no contact!!

Oh veeeee, I am both laughing and not laughing for you. I am totally un- that he's broken the no contact so quickly, and for what amounts to selfish reasons - he's thinking of himself only, not you and what you need.

He maybe thought he could be the big strong man with the no contact and you'd be so impressed with him and that would be all he'd need to do, but now he's found it's not as easy as he thought. Or maybe it's that he did think you'd be first to break it and come running to him, saying what he's said.

What have you done about the text, have you replied? I know it's sooooooo hard, but do try and keep the no contact going. Don't reply, even to acknowledge the text - if he gets a reaction, that's all he'll need for a way back in, that'll open the door for him to text his own reply. It's like the naughty child, needing attention, and sometimes even bad attention is better than no attention at all. I was completely unsuccessful at establishing no or little contact because I kept getting drawn back in. Part of me wanted to get drawn back in, because I missed him too, but in the long run I think no contact is better, at least for a little while.

today sorry to see you go, but congratulations.

Agree with curtis veeee, stick with the no contact if you can, sounds like he's trying the spaghetti head again. The very fact he wants to give you no contact so YOU can sort YOURSELF out is making me . Stay strong!

Hi all, it was suggested I post here. DH is an alcoholic and has always been occasionally verbally abusive but just recently as a result in part of outside influences he lashed out. I spoke to Refuge then my local housing dept and decided to stay where I am until a property comes up for me and DD.
So Im waiting and frankly it is hell. Im frightened,anxious, I try not to cry for what might have been but sometimes I can't help feeling sorry for myself.
I don't know what else to tell you except that I feel alone.

Hi onesix and welcome. So you are still living under the same roof and he doesn't know you are planning to go? is that it?

Crying is good, I got to a place in myself where I wished I could, but couldn't. It is a necessary and healthy outlet for feelings.

Yes we are under the same roof I've told him he can't behave the way he does and Im thinking of leaving but I dare not tell him more in case it inflames him.

Yes, keeping safe is a priority. I know how stressful it is living in the same house as it took a year from starting divorce to getting to the point I am - he moved out 2 weeks ago. It's extra stress when you don't know how long you've got to last out.

I seem to remember reading your thread, you could link to it if you wanted?

Am not really the most appropriate of us to advise, but am holding your hand [hug] I expect those with more relevant advise will be along soon.

While I'm on, I have an update that I've been keeping quiet about. In mid July I had a short psychotic episode (dreaming while awake, couldn't sleep because of a year's stress, after settlement done but before he moved out). With my permission he called the GP who in turn called the Crisis Team, and I had 5 days in hospital. Am on new pills which help sleep. Can you believe he let me go in without a toothbrush and toothpaste (on the Fri) and when I rang about this he said he couldn't come in till the Weds! It is annoying because it plays to his story that I am a mad bitch, but never mind. Anyway, am OK now but pills make me sleepy during the day, have nearly caught up with all the hoovering - he cleaned nothing before he went, there were even a couple of used tissues in his bedroom. Will stop now, as could go on forever!

silver it's really not surprising that you had that 'episode' considering you were living under those stressful conditions for so long. Glad to hear that he's finally gone and that you are getting back on track (or at least the hoovering is )

Hi onesix, I agree with Silver, keeping yourself safe is a big priority. I know how up and down your emotions will be, it's hard to keep going, hard to keep the secret inside and put another face on. Post here about how you're doing, how you're feeling, what's happening, it'll help keep you strong. Do you have anyone to talk to about all this? You'll be under a lot of stress, it's important to plan some nice things for yourself and think about looking after yourself, even if it's just a trip into town browsing without buying, or getting out the house every day. (I also know it's easy to advise that, but hard to do in practice when you feel like you just want to bury your head in the sand, it's what I did.) Are weekends normally a bad time, with your H (don't have to call him D here) drinking lots? Stay safe.

Silver, really sorry to hear about your episode. That must have been awful for you, really frightening. And having to rely on him too, and him not coming through (although, that's par for the course I know). It must've been bubbling under for a while. I know I've felt pushed to the edge and worried about my sanity as a result of my experiences, screaming and howling like an animal and almost rending my hair out , and worried that he was going to call someone, worried that it was necessary. I really appreciate you telling us, I feel it's a bit of a wake-up call as to just how much stress we are under, we're all holding the majority of it in but sometimes it comes out however it can. What happened to you could happen to any of us.
How are you feeling now? Sending you , hope you're feeling much better. And never mind about the hoovering!!! I don't. [knocks back more ]

I always think should be instead... Doh.

How you doing tonight Bertie? Any more house-renting signs from him?