Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Not sure why that posted twice?! X

Sorry once again for not being able to read/reply to all your posts...

NSDH is due back any time now. He went away to visit friends on wednesday morning (after pushing me on Tuesday night). We haven't communicated except to discuss DS and why DS refused to speak to him on the phone while he was away...

The last things H said to me on tuesday night was that: he was sorry he pushed me; he agreed we would news to sell the house; he agreed to move out ASAP. However he has a history of 'changing his mind'...

On the advice given to me by the police I've moved all my important documents out of the house. I've changed all my passwords on computers & accounts. I've got an emergency bag at a friends house.

I do still feel a little nervous about how it will be when he gets back....

Aargh, talk about stepping things up a notch. Ex took DC's to a City park late last night, met up with OW and her daughter. I had 2 v confused and upset DC's this morning, and DS feeling like he had to lie to cover for his dad. Selfish shitty b@stard!
Bertiebasset, hope he keeps to his agreement and lets you go and restart your life again. The selfish pigs never seem to do so though do they?

Just catching up on this thread after another very loooong weekend with FW. Veeeee am thinking of you it sounds like you are really going through hell. And hugs to everyone else. I know I haven't posted much but have read lots and it's awful to know so many going through such hard times.

FW has exhausted me i feel so emotionally wrung out now it is such a relief he is away with work for a week now.

Newbe DD is 18 months, she adores her Dad. Much more than me, given the choice she'd rather cuddle him and she usually takes one of his shirts to bed with her. Even though I'm by far the primary carer.

Hope you're ok Bertie, thinking of you. You too Talky and paranoid. Things are so hard right now aren't they.

Had a lovely weekend with my friends, NSDH was courteous and nice in front of them. I really blitzed our bedroom before they came (a big bugbear of his) and when he saw how tidy it was he walked in to me and in front of my friends gave me a lecture about how "THAT's what I want our room to look like all the time", it was so embarrasing. Luckily one of my friends is very hot on abusive men (her dad was one) so she immediately pulled him up for talking to me like he was my Dad. He went quiet and left the room. She kept bringing it up over the rest of the weekend and I didn't know what to say.

I need someone to hold my hand, please. It's our first couples counselling session tomorrow afternoon and I'm really frightened.

Oh nini what a twat to speak to you like that in front of your friends. Feel annoyed for you. I can remember FW calling me stupid in front of a pub full of our friends once I felt so embarrassed. Sounds like you have a very wise friend there though. Is she someone you can lean on and share this stuff with?

Wishing you the very very best of luck for tomorrow. If you don't mind me asking, what are you hoping to achieve from counselling? I was going to suggest it for me and FW (not that he would be keen I am sure) but all the advice on here is to avoid it at all costs. But I can't help wondering if it would make me feel like I gave it my best shot and tried everything possible to make it work before i give up. I really hope it goes ok for you.

Hi all, caught up on thread, feeling so sympathetic to all suffering right now. Nini so glad you had nice weekend, but what a FW to talk to you like that in front of friends, I am so angry on your behalf.

My FW keeps eyeing me at mo, I feel he's going to try a reunion, I am feeling very jumpy because of course I'd say no and that would lead to scenes. Various minor things have happened that have re-strengthened my commitment to ending it (not that it needed it, but you know how they do the being pleasant thing when they feel you withdrawing). I feel very free mentally at the moment, very detached from him. It's bringing me back to life as a person. God knows how it'll pan out.

paranoid, your therapist sounds great. Does she know maybe if there's a network of EA specialist therapists? It sounds like a life saver.

Trying, I'm not supposed to be seeing her for a few weeks but will ask her. Might actually ring tomorrow to see if she can try and squeeze me in next week. Really struggling at the moment. The thought of ex playing happy families with that woman (sorry girl, she's half my age) is killing me. He really twisted the knife with that trick last night!
Nini, shocking that he said that in front of others, what a tw@t.

Another quick question. How long does the 'nice' period usually last?

I've all but given up on DH, have become more distant and we've had the nicest weekend for years. Really trying not to get my hopes up cos I know it wont last.......

paranoid good luck with your situation, I am so sorry you are going through such a terrible emotional time.

I am about to be moaned at for "loud" typing (in holiday room together ). Last thing I want is him awake for any reason right now...... will catch up later. Taek care xx

Talky unfortunately this friend lives far away - I only see her every couple of months and NSDH hasn't seen her since our wedding 3 years ago, so she isn't really here to lean on. And she's moving abroad for good at xmas

As far as the counselling goes, I guess I'm just hoping it will make him see what he does to me so he can change it. I know people in our situation shouldn't do couples counselling, everyone here advised me against it, as does Lundy. The chances of it actually working are slim to none. But like you, I want to do it so I know I've done everything I can to keep us together. I don't want to always think "what if..."

Kimberlina I think the 'nice' period can last as long as they can keep it up, which varies from person to person.

I feel sick with nerves.

Nini good luck, I hope you are ok. I know what you mean about trying everything, it's also good to be realistic as you say. If he tries any spaghetti-head stuff in session, think about us on here backing you up. xxx

Kimberlina what Nini said, basically. Of my many years with FW, we had many break ups, or withdrawings on my part, followed by happy periods as he realised he might lose me. We had one mega two year period where he was great and our relationship was really fantastic, even, normal, respectful. I thought I'd struck gold. Unfortunately after kids the old FW returned and here we are. He's not evil by any means but he has some nasty little knots in his brain and I have just decided life's too short to spend with a difficult, controlling misery of a man.

Oh God, why can't i take my own advice and just detach. Spent the morning locked in a text battle with ExH. I feel wrung out now. All started because I dared to say, where are you actually taking our children on holiday today, I'd have hoped you would have had the courtesey to tell me before this morning.
He kept turning everything round to blame me, I'm not having it anymore and defended everything he deludedly said. But it's brought it all back, i feel sick and shakey. He's destroyed everything, my life, my family, my self esteem, my soul it feels like and still he tries to blame me for everything.
And to top it off he's got our babies untill Thursday night when I just need to cuddle them. Is this what Hell feels like.

oh paranoid I am so sorry for your distress. Focus on Thursday. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Hugs to you.

Thanks trying. I seemed to be leaking rather a lot last night. Blitzed the upstairs through a blur of tears. So exhausted today.
My dad has told me to email solicitor about his email trying to bully me over settlement issues. Mediators have already told him not to discuss outside of sessions as is a point of conflict.
I'd also like her to write and ask him not to confuse and upset the children by involving his girlfriend with them. Can't believe he doesn't have enough time to spend with her (he works with her for goodness sake.) He can do what he likes in his own time, and does as neighbours are telling me our marital home is empty every single night he doesn't have the kids, but he should keep his sordid little affair away from our children. [Sad]

Don't really know what to say paranoid but offering you a hug . Hope you're resting as much as you can today.

The counselling was interesting yesterday. I deliberately took today off work so I'd be able to mull it through in my head. To start with, the counsellor has said that as there is domestic violence involved she has to interview us individually before she can decide if it's safe to have couples counselling. Which is to be expected. NSDH has his in 2 weeks, and I'm 2 weeks after that (due to bank holiday and our own holiday).

At lot of very interesting things came up. I admit I was listening to a lot of what he was saying and wondering if he realises how pompous and self-important he sounds. On his part, most of the time he talked about how tired he is due to his long commute, how he doesn't like to say anything to me to save himself grief, how his health is suffering due to lack of exercise (which is apparently MY fault ). He claims I attacked him in April not the other way around, which nearly made me cry. And he also said he feels that if he were to pack his bags today and leave, I wouldn't stop him (no shit sherlock). He also said he's lonely as I spend too much of my evening time on the computer or studying. And I'm too messy - our bedroom isn't his sanctuary anymore.

I said that there were no positives in our relationship, which surprised him he said . When asked what he thought was positive about our relationship, he just said that 'it looks good from the outside'. That made me so so .

I went through a lot of how I'm feeling, including feeling that he is jealous of DD, how he leaves 90% of her care to me (he even said at one point that I LIKE doing all her cooking - I pointed out that I don't like it, I do it because I HAVE to). I said that he acts like my second child and it isn't my responsibility to look after his health and how I'd like to have some time to myself instead of being expected to entertain him as soon as DD goes to bed. I hinted that he isn't honest with our finances but didn't go any further.

There was lots more but I don't want to clog up the thread. The counsellor said in the meantime that every evening, with no distractions, we need to sit down, and for 10 mins one of us needs to talk, uninterrupted, about anything we like. One of us one evening, the other the next, like a rota. Unfortunately he took it to mean that it's 5 mins each every night, which I'm pretty sure is not the case. So now I'm doubting myself.

Thoughts welcome.

Hi everyone and all you new people that I haven't managed to acknowledge yet.

I'll post an update on my situation at a later date (can't get my head around it at the moment)

I hope everyone is ok? Sounds like there's a lot of twuntish behaviour around at the moment

nini it sounds like you didn't feel the session went well. If he said you attacked him then he lied didn't he? It just makes me think that that's really not a good start to couples counselling...which has to be based on honesty...

Also the counsellors suggestion of spending time listening to each other....Communication issues can be a major problem in relationships it's true, and leaning how to listen properly can really help in some circumstances. From what i know about EA cases though, I do wonder if the same advice is appropriate.

I had a similar experience with my H. I managed to get through 6 relate sessions before I realised it just wasn't working. I'd had a solo session with the counsellor and explained the EA. Counsellor still went down a similar route as yours, recommending we both re-learnt how to communicate with each other. It is/was impossible to do this with someone who refuses to listen to or acknowledge someone else's concerns.

Counsellor really didn't take on board what I'd said about being verbally abused, bullied, and manipulated. I was encouraged to talk openly about my feelings...which then became ammunition for NSDH to use against me later.

Please take care nini I would hate for the same thing to happen to you.

I know what you mean about being honest about emotions and then it being used against you. I have had that so much too. Even if I've said something years ago about a teenage issue with dm for instance, FW will use it in argument to show how my family are crap and that's why I'm crap and in the wrong IYSWIM. What bertie said about taking care on the counselling route, nini. paranoid how are you doing? xx

Hi all, Nini, I second what is being said here about the couples counselling. My exH used my past issues of unfaithful ex and father to make me think i was paranoid, hence the name! Whilst he wasn't being physically unfaithful, he was emotionally attached to OW (girl!!!) and used my issues against me to make me doubt what I was feeling and suspecting, callous & cruel!
I was exhausted still this morning, and went back to bed at midday, just drained physically and emotionally.
Had an emergency appt this afternoon with my lovely therapist, who said yesterdays text battle, whilst not always advisable was actually a victory for me defending myself. He shot all his bullets at me, and as i deflected them all back at him, he gave up and threw the gun at me in a fit of childish temper, as i wouldn't absolve him and take his responsibility any more. She's great at analogies.
She also said as long as I wasn't going to start practising pagan voodoo, that a couple of dolls to torture might help me get over the magnitute of how i view ExH and OW. I know where the first pins are going!!!
She's fab, although was quite harsh with the reality of their blossoming relationship and how my children may well be involved with OW over the coming years. ExH hates to be proved wrong, so even if all isn't rosy in the garden of eden, he wont leave, to prove a point.

To all those that asked about a network of EA specialist therapists, she said she doesn't think there is one. I'm just very lucky with her, she's been in an EA relationship herself, many years ago, so understands what they are capable of.
She said the best thing is to speak to prospective therapists and ask them what their personal experiences of things like this are, and keep looking for one who will understand, not always easy with NHS ones though. Anyone who get to mid Bedfordshire I'm happy to pass on her details. I would travel miles to see her now I've met her, and do as I'm not local to her.
ExH has been very polite and sheepish when ringing for DC's to say goodnight to me. The battle will recommence in a couple of weeks when the solicitors start trying to thrash out my settlement.

After reading these posts, it is incredible how similar all these EA men are. The insight and honesty you all show is amazing, you help me and probably so many others who prefer to read for now rather than post. I have been out of an EA relationship for quite awhile but still find it very hard to talk about. I am still very much involved though.Yesterday was the first time in a long time that I have been abused and I had nearly forgotten the awful completely empty feeling you get physically and emotionally. I went for a walk and nearly got run over twice. I ended up leaving my destination and coming home. I have two children so I went to bed when they did, exhausted.

Morning ladies hugs to you all. Veeeee are you ok?

I need to rant as XFW can still be an utter twunt but this time using DCs as bait. So angry DCs saw FW yesterday & told them word for word what I'd said to him when i told him I didn't want him home & marriage was over. Word for word I swear he read them the text I sent. They are 7 & 4. Logging incident with solicitor xx

Oh Newbe your poor little ones what a twunt he is! And MisSunshine are you ok? Paranoid hope you're resting up?

Bertie - yes he did lie about me attacking him, but I'm not surprised, he's said that before. And thanks Bertie, trying and paranoid - I will need to really keep a very close eye on how this counselling goes so that it doesn't just make things worse. I think I may need your support if he starts the head spaghetti again

We had our first '10 minute talk' last night, I was very nervous to start with but it went ok. I figure even if we do go our own ways eventually, we'll need to be able to talk (even about everyday things) as far as DD is involved.

nini it is really tough when they lie and manipulate. My NSDH had denied deliberately pushing me into a wall last week....apparently he was pushing me out of the way of a invisible car that was coming down the road while we were on the pavement

He also (following the Lundy script to a t) reminded me of the one and only time that I was 'violent' towards him. After suffering 2 years of being sworn at for no reason I finally flipped and threw a toy car at him. Thereby proving that I and the physically aggressive one...