I need some support.
Sunday evening he found out my plans to leave through snooping on my phone. Instead of his "leave then" response that I was expecting he broke down and he actually listened. We spent 4 days talking and crying. He says he feels like he hasn't really been here the past few years, that he never realised he was doing all of these things. I started off by telling him little things, like how the name calling makes me feel, then the constant criticism, giving him specific examples.
The next day we talked more, adding in the sexual abuse too. He was also pushing me to know who I had been talking to and so I told him I had seen a counsellor. He said he was shocked that I had had to go through all of this on my own, that I'm so brave, that he admires me for doing that and that he thought the previous day's discussions had been bad enough but this took it to another level. I told him about how we never plan anything together because he needs everything to be an efficient operation. He said he never realised that half the fun of things was doing it together. We went through our photos and picked some of dd to go in a frame, whereas last week he said e would sort it out himself.
We skirted around the sexual abuse because I didnt feel like talking to him about it right away but we talked about it yesterday and he admits it is terrible behaviour.
He said he is sorry for abusing me all this time. At that point I showed him one of the EA sites. He just sat there shaking his head as he read it, saying "I do that, I do that".
He moved into the spare room on Monday, we set up a rota for cleaning and for bathing dd etc. He bathed her for the first time in 10months of tuesday. He said he really enjoyed it an doesnt know why he has never done it before.
His plan was that we live as housemates for a bit, become friends again then he makes me fall in love with him again. I said I didn't know if that was possible. He started doing things that, by his own admission, he should have been doing. For example, dd was very sick on the sofa and the cover needed washing. He said that he felt himself thinking "when is he going to sort that out" and that before, he would've gotten more and more angry with me for not doing it. But he realised " why don't I just do it" so he did. There was washing in he machine, he hung it out. A crisp packet on the floor, he picked it up and put t in the bin.
After four days of crying an talking and no sleeping, I finally had a breakdown yesterday morning. I told him that I felt that I was close to snapping, that I feel broken, that him being in the house was making it worse, him bombarding me with solutions like we can move if you want (I said I have grown to hate this house), we can do this and that, he's been cooking dinner, loading the dishwasher, asking me what I would like to do, what hobby I would like to take up (he has always taken the piss out of me in this areas) etc etc
He said, from reading the EA stuff he knows that this is an expected response, that he knows I cant believe he has changed but he wants me to let him prove it. He said he really does feel like he has been a terrible husband, he is desperately sorry etc etc.
He moved out yesterday after my mental episode.
The problem is, I'm just so worried about him because he is hurting because of me, that I can't concentrate on myself. I keep texting him to make sure he's ok. I keep thinking "just let him come home and try" but then I fell like I need time away from him to put myself back together.
I am noticing though some subtle manipulations that he doesn't even realise he is doing. He keeps posting sad Facebook statuses like "I feel sick to the stomach" which then cause me to phone or message him to make sure he's ok. When he left yesterday he text to say he was at his mums ( which I asked him to do) but that he nearly crashed the car on the way there. He said he feels as though mumsnet is partly to blame for me wanting to leave him because you've all talked me into it, the same goes for my counsellor. He asked why I had never considered that he might have issues or might me depressed and if we had sorted that out sooner then this wouldn't have gotten to this point. But he's not blaming me. He said with the sexual abuse, he knew it was wrong and there is no excuse, but perhaps if I'd been more willing to give him a hand or blow job after dd was born he wouldn't have forced my to be having sex 6 weeks after birth when he knew it was all still very sore and swollen from all the stitches I had.
I just don't know what to do next. The sad thing is my sister is going through EA with her husband too.