Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

It's not really an equilibrium is it, though. It's just that doing things this way means you cope less well gradually, as opposed to changing things and coping less well in one big bang.

I am not doing well at all. No siree. I panic, shake, cry and can't get anything done. Then I take some diazepam and stop shaking for an hour but can't get anything done because I'm a zombie. Then it wears off and round we go again.

However, I have got some work done this morning/afternoon, so feel less panicky about that for the moment. Wouldn't it be nice if everything just stopped for a bit so we could pull ourselves together

You're doing what you have to in order to get by for now, NoMore, and sometimes you have to just get through the day. If I can arrange things for everything to stop, even just for half an hour, I'll let you know. You'll feel better for having done some work, I bet, it's getting the control back of your own life, little by little... I sound so knowledgable when it comes to other people's situations!!! I'm such a fraud tho!

Unhappy, what do you feel about him seeing the kids now? What do you think you'd suggest as being in their best interests, if you were to go now?

Gotta go do first school dash of the new term, will try and get online later.

Marking place. Lots going on here, I don't know what to do.

Nini I had all that too. The silent treatment when I pulled him up on something banging & crashing around.

It's easy for me to say now because he is no longer here but upon reflection it's amazing how childish these grown men can be!!

Anyway STBFWXH has finally decided to see the children - after 6 weeks of sulking. I am exhausted have a migraine so I'm going to go and have an afternoon nap in the hope I will wake feeling loads better.

Hugs as always xx

Tryingtoescape, am so sorry to read your post from the other day. As if a scary health situation isn't awful enough, to be having to worry about your child and being shouted at must have been horrendous. What a total tosspot. I hope you manage to detach from his stress and feel better soon.

Don't know about your FW's but whenever I have anything going on in my life (like a close relative recently being told they were terminally ill) he manufactures his own drama to 'upstage' mine (this time he told me he was manically depressed from all the stress he was under....). I was made out to be a total cow for not supporting him but I just couldn't deal with his drama on top of everything else. Sounds like your FW is as selfish as mine.

Also so sad to read so many others going through such tough times. My heart really does go out to you all. Hildebrand, my big worry is how the kids would be looked after if we split too. I totally sympathise, it's so gut wrenching to think you wont be there to protect them if he kicks off.

I spoke to a solicitor yesterday and I didn't come away feeling as positive as I hoped I would. I know our financial situation is quite complicated (and not in a good way that we have loads of money- more like debt issues etc) and I wasn't really given any possible ways it could be resolved if we were to split. I was hoping for a few solutions but he just seemed to raise more problems and kept scratching his head.

On top of that, FW wouldn't leave me alone. At the weekend i finally lost it. It's usually him who storms out after a row and I beg him to calm down and talk to me. This time I left him with the kids for an hour (sat in an empty car park screaming and crying....hope no CCTV was watching me must have looked like a loon!). When I got back I didn't back down so yesterday he was persistently trying to talk to me and be nice. Classic cycle I guess. It's amazing what you see when you stand back and observe. Before I would have felt so grateful for him being nice to me I would have backed straight down. But now I just feel so empty that I am being quite non committal with him. I am guessing that this will eventually cause another row as he can't keep up the Mr Nice act for long.

You can't be manically depressed! It's either manic or depressed.

Sorry brain not functioning very well, as am on tablets (hopefully not for too long) to help with results of a year's sleep deprivation, and coming out of strange transition trance. Just wanted to report final exit of Ex, including return of keys. DCat is a bit puzzled.

silverpussycat , excellent news on exit of ex. Am so pleased for you. I hope you can start to recover and catch up on some of that sleep.

Exactly re the manically depressed- just one example of the sh&t he spouts!

Well I've decided NOT to tell NSDH that I've seen police.

I need to record what happened here...sorry for not reading everyone else's posts...in afraid I'm caught up in my own crisis ATM but I hope you are all ok x

Last night was truly awful. We went out for a coffee nearby while mum babysit DS. We were supposed to be discussing finances and who's going to live where etc.

That's not what he wanted to talk about really.

I had told him last week that I was going to file for divorce at some point...not to prove anything or get at him...just for my own peace of mind. Last night he began the evening by saying he would contest it and when I questioned why on earth he would want to do that, he upped the ante by saying HE would divorce ME although he doesn't seem l realise that he can't start divorce proceedings because MY solicitor has our marriage certificate

Anyway I walked away at this point (and i hadn't even raised my voice) as he was talking BS and I could tell it wasn't worth engaging with him. He followed me out of the cafe and next thing i know he was stood in front of me stopping me from walking on. He was shouting and telling me that I had to be sensible about this . I told him to leave me alone and got past him and carried on walking.

He then proceeded to chase me and tell me that he would also want more access to DS than I had suggested (60/40 to me which I thought was more than fair considering he had hardly done any child care whatsoever until I insisted he pull his weight 4 months ago). When I dismissed his idea he then went on to say that he would seek residence and custody of DS. When I shouted at him not to be so ridiculous and then walked away again in disgust he followed me and pushed me into a stone wall (I have a scrape and now bruising on my arm).

He did calm down and apologise but I am truly horrified that it has come to this. I've finally realised that I cannot talk reasonably with him. Whatever I say he reacts by trying to get back at me.

He's gone away today for a few days now...

Oh Bertie. How horrible. You must've been petrified when he started following you, but really, really well done for walking away in the first place, you realised that you weren't going to get anywhere. You're already stronger about this than you were before, I hope you can see that in yourself. But just what a shame that your FW did that to you. Although, if he wasn't the type of FW to do that, he wouldn't be your FW in the first place, he'd be your DH. It's sad, isn't it.

I remember when I met up with my ex (DS1's dad) to discuss finances, who got what, etc. We'd had a great relationship for many years, but in the end I left him because of his drinking - I agreed to meet him in a pub, because where we/he lived there really was nowhere else nearby (and he couldn't drive anywhere - was banned when DS1 3 months old...), but met at lunchtime and with a guarantee of no alcohol, which he agreed to. We got there, he went to get us drinks, came back with a pint for himself, having already had a few sips. I closed my notebook and told him I wouldn't discuss a single thing with him if he drank any more. He tried to talk me round, I was being unreasonable, etc, but I was firm. He huffed a bit but agreed, and we actually had a productive discussion. Is it that I was a stronger person then, or was it that ex was just a normal FW trying it on, not a controlling and abusive FW with an agenda? I don't know.

Am sending you hugs Bertie, try to focus on yourself, I'm sure you're not fully recovered from your recent ill health yet, make sure you're looking after yourself.

veeeee, I meant to post earlier asking how you are - how are you holding up? How has FW been this week? Hope things are calmer for you.

veeee are you ok? Bertie that soundes terrible, well done you though for being calm, the urge to shake him must have been huge!

NSDH isn't talking to me AGAIN tonight and sleeping downstairs again. This time because he kept sneezing (he has sinusitis, it wasn't until last year that I managed to persuade him to go to the Dr about it and he's now on meds but doesn't take them as often as he should), I told him to 'for god's sake go take your meds'. He stormed off downstairs. This is a new game.

DD is sleeping really badly at the mo so him sleeping downstairs means I'm doing all the night stuff again. So tired.

Don't let the bastards grind you down, ladies.

hilde although the details are different, I am in the same position re being buffer and not being happy leaving them with him. I know exactly what you're saying. It's anguish. I wonder if they allow themselves a twunt margin because we're there and maybe they'd be better after separation? I don't know at all.

Talky thanks so much for your kind words. Coming on here is such a balm to the heart, however cliched that sounds, it expresses exactly how it feels to me. Yes my FW developed migraine when he visited with kids and also shouted at them and told them off (they're pretty stressed seeing mum lying in hospital bed, I'm meant to be their superhuman buffer and safety poor poppets).

Silver I am so glad your ex has gone and you have the closure of his keys back. I really hope your mental stress slowly lessens, the head fug and exhaustion is one of the highest prices we pay, isn'tit. I had to smile at your comment about DCat. I have a DCat too and quite frankly I'd much rather be married to him .

Bertie I am so concerned for you, but also in awe of how well you handled it. From the outside, if this helps, it seems to me that you will get there under your incredible steam (IYSWIM!) - brave woman. The custody thing is his threatening crap only - you have police logs, you are mum and the power of law is on your side re kids.

Hilde ha ha re your mate, she sounds great. Enjoy your reading

Nini I am so sorry you are so tired. What a twunt your FW is being - these entitled man-children are the pits, aren't they.

I am feeling somewhat better health wise and have a break before op. I too am enjoying nice before I have to embark on lots of meds....! FW bck to being FW, the stupid thing is, I can tell he is concerned for me, but such is his personality that he's driven me to the point where however much he cares from now on, I don't, my feelings have been killed off completely and that took a lot of pain and many years of sadness and fear to do - I'm very loyal and loving and he's chucked it al down the pan.

Big hugs escape, glad you're feeling a bit better.

He did the same thing this morning - crashing around deliberately to wake me up. I'm too afraid to say anything, last time this happened it escalated into him hitting me . Plus I know that if I piss him off he'll ruin my weekend (he's taking DD to his Dad's for the night so I can have 2 old friends over to stay, they're coming from other ends of the country).

Nini, I know exactly where your head is at. NSDH used to do that too. He'd bang about making so much noise if I'd upset him in the morning (by one of the myriad different ways I had, like not wanting to have sex, or not wanting to get up and make him breakfast). Sometimes it was just door slamming, something it was shouting or nasty comments. I found it very intimidating, and would just lie there thinking 'just another 15minutes of this and he'll be gone for the whole day'. He'd usually text later that day to say sorry, let's have a good evening, I'd say fine, and as NoMore said, round we'd go again. Sometimes if I'd upset him in the evening, he did it after DS1 had gone to bed, bang around the kitchen deliberately rattling drawers and turning up the radio to an obscene level - DS1's bedroom is directly above the kitchen. So horrible. I was so scared of him when he was like that. And he used to ruin every single event for me - every time I went out with friends, we'd somehow have an argument before I went and I'd spend the whole evening worrying about that and checking my phone. It's no way to live. It's just surviving, an existence.

Nini, what's your long-term plan? You'd said before, I think, that he'd promised to change, that some changes had been made so that you were going to give it some more time and see how it went? Is that about right or have I completely misremembered? From where I'm standing, he seems to have slipped right back. What can you do to protect yourself emotionally in the short term, and change things for yourself in the longer term?

Oh curtis that's terrible, my Dad used to do stuff like that when I was little. His fave way of waking me up (my bedroom was above the kitchen) was to bang a teaspoon really loudly on the cup while making tea.

You remember correctly, short-term plan was to see how things went - holding out for this couples counselling that starts on Monday. Unfortunately it isn't really realistic to leave until this time next year as that's when our fixed rate on the mortgage ends and we can sell the house, plus I'm in debt so trying to get out of that. If nothing is seriously going to change then it's a waiting game until next year - sell house and hopefully be out of my debt. It's not really a plan but the best I have

Hello. Two very kind ladies just suggested I come over here after posting about my husband. I feel a bit of a cheater as I dont think I am actually emotionally abused but there are issues. So hello.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1541897-This-just-isnt-the-marriage-I-signed-up-for?msgid=33572742#33572742

For those who would like a snippet of why I have joined you.

Hi again mixedmama. Sorry to hear things are so hard, I really do think your husband is being a twunt, to you and your kids. We're here for support of course, maybe you'd like to take a look at some of the links in the first post in this topic? They may provide a bit of clarity to start with.

reply to pony from ages ago :
Been feeling physically sick pretty much all the time and he has been txting me loads saying he wants to b back together , misses us etc. I have been an idiot and replied sayin I think I miss him too but then last night it hit me 'Wtf am I doing?? '
We rliving in refuge because of this man. All the stuff he has put me and dd through has not just gone away because 7 months later he's decided he misses being a family.
He still does not ad,it to the abuse and shows no sign of taking any responsibility for his actions.
I was getting so much stronger and happier and now I feel weak again...don't
Thank u for replying Xx