I?m not getting much chance to log on at the moment, because of intermittent internet, so whenever I do manage to catch up here I feel like I?ve missed loads so apologies if I?m responding to stuff from days ago... Lots of new people too, all who sadly do have to be here, even if they don?t feel like it - TalkyWalky, I have to say that your story completely resonated with mine, it?s very similar. I?ll try and get more time online now that the kids are back at school (here in Scotland anyway) and say hi to more of you.
Sunrise, how are you after your spaghetti-headedness? I am in a similar position in that I let that happen too, and it?s helped in some ways (it?s given NSDH a reason to believe we can work on things) but in others it?s just clouded things (he seems to think we?re back to normal in that regard, and is still making me feel awful if I don?t want to). In a way, it?s helping highlight that the same issues are still around from when we were together.
Bertie - oh poor you. Hope you?re doing ok, I?m sure you probably still feel a bit shaky. You?ve absolutely done the right thing, I wish I?d logged it with the police in January when NSDH assaulted me, then at least that would be on record. Now you have proof. It?s an awful thing that?s happened, but you can make it work for you.
Nini - see it all as part of the journey you are taking that will eventually get you out of there. I knew I would leave at some point, and I think you do too. At some point, probably as the result of something trivial (hopefully, rather than some awful incident), you?ll decide enough is enough.
Things have been awful the last few days, so up and down ? had a bad night Saturday, partly me drinking a bit too much and getting a bit over-the-top and upset, but when I realised I took myself off to bed but still felt very guilty the next day. Which makes me sad, for all the many, many times NSDH behaved much worse and seemed untroubled by it. Then an argument on Monday night when he stayed over at my new flat, because I was tired and just wanted to go to sleep (apparently I?m out of order for not putting in 10mins? effort for his our enjoyment). Then yesterday, while we were trying to get back to an even keel, he brought up the issue of our DS staying with him for an overnight (deliberate timing?). DS is not 9 months yet, so I?ve been reluctant, but I?ve made sure NSDH has seen him nearly every day of the hols. I?ve put myself out to do this. When I said I didn?t think so, he started getting quite heavy about it, saying DS would be staying there that night, ie I wasn?t allowed to taking him home. I felt a bit panicky, but almost hoped he?d go through with it, so I could then just end things and move on. Of course, he didn?t go through with it, and when I went back to get DS I found myself putting on an Oscar performance in case he changed his mind, smiling and letting him hug me and reassuring him that things were fine between us. Today I?ve told him I?m having a break ? he wanted to see me today, to get things back on track, but I?m exhausted (plus dealing with new routine of school run on my own). I want to say to him ? things are not good between us. You are not doing enough to make things different. I am not happy. I don?t want this emotional rollercoaster, it?s no improvement on the life I left. Instead, when he texts me with silly messages then says ?Thinking about you darling?, I?m texting back ?Thinking about u 2 darling?. Because I have no spine? Because I am so desperate to be loved that I can?t bear to push him away even though he?s not right for me? Because I?m so conditioned to keeping the peace that I?ll pretend all is ok until I believe it as well? I know I?ve come so far, in leaving him and setting up home on my own, but I still feel so far from getting what I want ? which is either for him to change enough for me & the boys to go back, or to end it.