Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Kim everyday. NSDH is no longer here & these thoughts still go through my head. But that is what they want. In the initial stages of my relationships I probably didn't always "express my own opinions much" but when it became apparent I was not always going to agree with him the cracks began to show.

Re read your post because I think you have answered your own question.
Hugs x

Thanks guys. I knew deep down that I'm generally too willing to compromise.

I've forgotten who wrote it, but the poster who said their partner complains that they are a walkover but then in the next breath says that they are rigid and inflexible could be married to my husband.

I've read lots about EA worsening after the arrival of a child. This is definitely the case in my life. DC is 2.3 now. My personal theory is that pre-children I was genuinely not fussed where we ate out, what time we had tea, where we went on holiday etc. But since DC has arrived then it does matter what time we have tea or where we go etc, and he doesn't like me expressing an opinion and sticking to it.

This thread is a lifesaver and a wealth of advice

I say xP because although we split weeks ago we have been sharing the house until he finished his work/raised some money to leave/sold the things he didn't want/packed his stuff.

None of which he's done. From his first violence 5 weeks' ago he has become angrier, nastier, drunker, more spiteful and vindictive than ever. And that is after a couple of years of aggression and verbal abuse. He said he had every right to stay as long as he wanted; every right to drink as much as he wanted; every right to shout whatever he wanted at me.

So today I had my 'snap' moment. He really went for it last night and this morning, so I finally took my tears and shaking to the police station and they were wonderful. Said they didn't give a monkey's what he would say; they had previous callouts, it was an abusive relationship, and they would make him leave. And this evening they did. He's gone.

Unfortunately, he's only left on foot with his camping gear and as much money as the ATM would give me to give him. But my wonderful, wonderful policeman is going to hang around the area all night and do regular drive-ups to the house to check all is ok. And his colleagues will do it tomorrow, etc etc until I feel safe. If he approaches the house again he will be arrested.

I admit I'm a little terrified. We're very rural/isolated here - but my neighbours are going to sleep with one ear/eye open. xP can be very vindictive and unpredictable though, and since the first thing he'll have done is fill himself up with booze, God knows what he might try.

May I just say again - wonderful, wonderful police.

Nomore hope you're doing ok?

Sorry I've not been around much all, NSDH has been 'ill' all weekend so I've been managing DD single-handedly (not so different to normal mind). He has thursday and friday off and was fine for that of course, then friday eve comes around and he's lolling on the sofa whinging. Saturday he apparently had bronchitis, yesterday it was fatigue/headache and today he has a migraine. . He's sat in front of the TV and won't go to the doctor. I'm not all that sympathetic after the way he treated me when I had suspected DVT last summer (long story).

I'm supposed to be working from home today but doubtful much work will get done with him attention-seeking. Going to take DD to the supermarket in a bit to get her (and me) out of the house. I'm exhausted. Another long weekend.

I'll catch up on other posts when I can.

So tiring, isn't it, Nini, just grinding on. My xP would say he was incredibly stressed too. But then I had the same stress, plus his behaviour to try and cope with.

Thank you Hildebrand. That 20% matters. I find I'm still tense and anxious waiting for him to pop out from another room to moan about something/slag someone off/have a go at me. Who cares if 80% of the time it doesn't happen for you, if you are just waiting for your 20% to start?

I am very sad today. Last Autumn I had surgery and had to rest on the sofa for two weeks, and no walking around properly for a month. I was a bit sad at the time that I only had one visitor, since I thought I'd made new friends in this village. Anyway, after a chance comment last week, I've been tentatively asking around and it appears people did try to visit. Some were told when they rang and others were actually turned away at the door with the words "NoMore doesn't want to see anyone; she just wants to be left alone". Those exact words apparently. I think this morning is going to be a bad one. However, I have a work meeting with someone who is becoming a friend at lunchtime, so at least I have something to pull myself together for.

Morning all. NoMore after all the stuff that's been going on, you are bound to have somewhat of a reaction.

I took to my bed for much of yesterday, while they continued ferrying their stuff out. DD said she would help me sort the kitchen, that is something I suppose. Arm is a lot better.

I can't handle how If I ask for help he asks what I want help with then when I say, he says im being a martyr and like doing it all . When I ask for days out walks to park with the kids 2 are asd . He says it's a night mare it not his fault that I insist in taking them out and it goes wrong . Its crap and he hates it . I should stay in. I find it hard to stay in he spends all time in Internet . The kids like going out but they do have meltdowns older one runs off a lot . He then ignores shuts himself in room drinking for days shouting and slamming doors ignores kids . I tell him leave us and he won't . I got upset as he sleeps late a d won't help or help take me and the kids for a walk . But moans about the pigsty we live in. I can't use the garden as sloping dangerous for younger asd child and back is wet abd stinky swamp like . But he won't swap houses or let me save to deck and fix situation I feel I have no control of my life . he went out 6 days straight to events in city to take pics then spends hours editing them and apparently I choose to go out and shouldn't as make him feel guilty when things go wrong with eldest . It's okay as he only goes out once a year . On holiday he can't cope for 3 days a d I do it all myself . Rant over . Never ask for help , you are really calling your dh a cunt , not actually asking for help .

Sorry about the high jack been reading your posts a d it made me mad other people are in it too

Every time I asked for help, with the littlest or biggest thing, Ex just said no.

One time when DM was here we were having lunch, and I asked him to get me a fork (he was nearest to the drawer). He just said no, so I had to squeeze past the table and him to get my own. DM was , tbh I was glad I had a witness.

Doesn't that sound trivial? But of course, it isn't.

Jenny that sounds terrible, do you have any support from anyone else?

NSDH took himself to the Dr while I was out this morning and told him 'everything' (according to NSDH he's been unwell since last autumn ). He has to go back in for blood tests on thursday - Doc says probably either a virus or the onset of diabetes. Naturally NSDH thinks it's the latter so has spent the rest of the morning gleefully looking up symptoms of diabetes online and telling me how much like him it all is. If only there was a symptom list for wankishness I could show him.

It's the trivial things that really get you down, I find. You see it happening, you know its hurting you, but it never seems the right time to call him up on it.

Our first Relate session is a week today. I'm writing down all the things I can think of that he's done, but it's just making me angry. A bit concerned I'll just explode in the session.

jenny it's impossible to hijack this thread. What you have done is a bit of healthy venting.

How old are your kids? It sounds like you feel stuck, but there will be a way out. You are not alone, and we are a resourceful bunch of women here, we are here for you.

Hello I have been reading this thread and educating myself on EA for a while now and have finally found the courage to post. I could really do with some hand holding.

After a thoroughly miserable weekend together I have finally found the courage to make an appointment to speak to a solicitor. I have come to the realisation that my DH is an emotionally abusive arse of a man and he makes me so unhappy that I reached breaking point yesterday.

I feel so scared and sick with worry about what will happen to me and my 2 small children (2 under 2) but also so relieved that maybe I can escape and not have to live like this anymore.

I used to have a good job and be independent and sociable and happy. I don't really know who I am any more. I am too scared to speak my own mind (both with DH and anybody else now) I feel so drained all of the time and I am so miserable. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble- have just been phoning solicitors and feel a bit shaky now!

We have only been married for a few years and I feel so so stupid for ending up in this position. I have no job, no money, nothing of my own. I am so worried he will try and get the children from me. He is a useless father, the opposite of hands on, yet I don't know how spiteful he will get once he realises I am serious about us breaking up.

It has never been an easy relationship but his temper became apparent when I was pregnant with our first child; he was very aggressive and although he has never hit me he has thrown things, shouted in my face, pointed his finger in my face, makes me feel like I am not allowed to voice my opinion or ever challenge him on anything. He bullies me, he shouts me down and he can never ever agree to disagree- he has to brow beat me until I am in floods of tears apologising for disagreeing with him. Everything is my fault, he tells me I am aggressive and that I have on occasion scared him. He makes me want to hurt myself I feel so frustrated that I don't know how to let it out. He doesn't see the real me at all. I am the opposite of aggressive I have never physically intimidated anyone in my life. Even my kids don't pay any attention if I raise my voice. I feel like I am going mad but I hang on to the knowledge that I am not who he keeps telling me I am.

I am so worried that my resolve will crumble and that when I see him next I will plaster on my usual happy face and do my best to forget all of this. I am so scared of telling him I want out of our marriage I have no idea how he will take it. Fingers crossed tomorrow the solicitor can tell me what my rights are- at the moment it all seems so impossible and scary.

I guess some words of wisdom would be gratefully received! Sorry it's all me me me!

Talky sending hugs. What you have done is a massive step towards freedom. My solicitor was great, I so hope yours will be too, I felt empowered each time I saw her. (Mind you I also feel obliged to warn you that this didn't last as ex played his non-co-operative games - but it always returned, and I am now almost free of him.) Every day I give thanks for the help and support I found here.

I am in the process of realising my relationship of 19 years is actually emotionaLly abusive Not sure how I can recover

Hi. I am new to this thread and fully expect to be flamed when I reveal my story. I am in a now happy 12 year relationship and am getting married shortly which I am very excited about. We have had some ups and downs in the past and unfortunately this resulted in me having an affair which I regret dreadfully and has been over now for nearly two years. It was an extremely stupid and awful thing to do, he was a much older colleague at work who was also having issues at home (or so he told me). I would say I am a generally a very caring person who is overully sensitive so guess I was open to manipulative personalities. Anyway to cut a long story short I feel very upset as he has discovered I'm getting married and made contact with me via email (I have blocked him via a filter a long way back but was going through all of my email as I am shutting the account down) he was utterly Vile and said some terrible things which I really don't want to let get to me. He told me I was easy, that I was an ugly fucket and desperate to be liked. Now I know people may think I deserved this but it was a completely unprovoked attack. What should I do as it has bought back lots of bad and guilt feelings that I assumed I worked through during 6 months of counselling?

I also just wanted to add that my partner is completely lovely and that the ups and downs we experienced related to a sense of missing out somehow as we got together In my early twenties. Now I realise what a complete and utter idiot I was and it truly was the biggest mistake of my life. The guy i had an affair with truly has two sides and has at times scared me with his behavior. My partner partially knows that I went outside the relationship and we have worked through this together and now have a far better far more open relationship and I genuinely cant wait to spend the rest of our lives together. I'm just a fool who probably deserves the negative comments despite the fact that I have had nc with the other man for a very long amount of time.

I know I haven't posted on here properly in ages and by reading through the posts above people really have a lot on. If anyone can help me out tho I would appreciate it so much. I broke up with ex at end of jan, since then I am in my second refuge, been through loads of shit and fall outs with my own family , he told me that he feels nothin for me, and has been generally pretty horrible and continued to bully me. The last 4 weeks we have started to get on better sincee I moved away to a new place. He came down to visit dd this weekend and we ended up kissing! Like Wtf!!! I'm so shocked and it is the return of spaghetti head.

sunrise sounds almost like that S syndrome, where people become enmeshed with their kidnapper.

An NLP exercise that might help us detach. Imagine him and you standing facing each other in front of you. Now can you see how that 'you' is joined to him in some way - a rope, an electric cable, a force or somthing like that. (Make something up if nothing seems to occur).

Now become that 'you'. Detach the connection from him. Wait a little. Connect the connection back to yourself instead. Wait again to allow this to settle. Dismiss him from the picture.

(Actually with mine I found I was attached with chains, when I 'looked' they had connectors like dog leads, easy to unclip!)

thank you silverpussycat , I will definitely try that repeatedly! I just can't believe after 7 months I still care about him and today we even spoke about how we miss being a family and how we imagine being back together again. I think a big part of me is still hoping that he has changed and we can be happy but the practical side says we can't and he will hurt u again. I don't want to believe it tho.

Have any of you actually told your H/P that you think they are EA?

I am considering asking my DH and just wondering what sort of response I might get?

So if you have had the conversation what was the answer?
-I'm not EA - you're just oversensitive (what I'm expecting)
-You've been spending too long on MN rubbish (also expecting this one)
-I'm doing it to protect you/because I care for you?
-You're crazy
-What took you so long to realise?
-another answer?

Not sure if/when I'll have the conversation. Recently I'm feeling stronger re:getting out, but I think that once we talk there will be no going back and that stupidly scares mea

Hildebrand thank you. I've only realised cos he's not here at the moment.