Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Can some of you ladies please look at the, is this what married life is like the first year? Thread.

The op is in an ea marriage which has escalated to physical him pushing her. It's getting missed. She keeps getting responses such as "he's probably stressed". She wants to talk to him tomorrow....when they'll be out drinking.

Please give her some wisdom :(

"what was it like between you and your dh when you were first married" this thread.

Have posted a link to here on that thread.

Am exhausted. But ex has his house. I took him off the RAC cover this morning, he seemed surprised, entitled much?

I'm with you on the exhausted silver everything is so emotionally draining at the moment including the occasional outbursts from NSDH when things aren't going his way ( via text message to my mum who has great pleasure in putting him to rights!!) .

Hugs ladies xxx

Well done Silver

Every small step towards freedom is worth while. Look back over your shoulder: See how far you have come?

And in just two weeks time you will have your house to yourself at last.

Rooting for you! and everyone else toiling up that apparently unclimbable mountain

I am proud of myself Lemon. But it has been a long hard year. Fuelled with adrenalin, other stuff, and long nights spent toiling over a computer and fighting to control a sea of paperwork. As the pressure lifts, the body seizes the chance to let go.

It may be even sooner than 2 weeks. Just got the household bills to sort. And a load of CDs to rip!

veeee i think that is a good plan - if you do move though maybe you can get him to move while your at your friends house, that way you can come home. is there anywhere he could go? it might give him the shock he needs to realise and think yeah im the one that needs to go here.
just be prepared that the baby might be a bit unsettled. mine has been a bit of a nightmare since i got back home - sooo clingy, crying, unsettled. its been really hard, she is just starting to come round. its all the change of routine, its hard for them - and its weird being here, its weird him being away, i feel sad about whats happened, i feel guilty cos ive had to do this. even tho its his fault.
understand silver about living off adrenaline and then crashing if thats kinda how u feel - and the emotionally drained bit...

Hi cal

Welcome...I've just read your thread. You've done so well to get out of that abusive relationship. He sounds horrendous.

You're mums idea of keeping a record of all the horrid things done and said to you is great. It's so easy to wobble when you miss the good times (because there were good times...otherwise we wouldn't have stayed with them so long right?). Reading back a few of things your NSDP has done to you should keep you focused...

How has he been since you left?

Well well. Today's the day it seems.

What with all the excel and MNing my repetitive strain injury has flared up, but is responding to treatment. I spent the morning asleep. DD's bed is in pieces in the hall, and a man with a van will be turning up later I hear.

Hi Calpurnia, welcome doesn't seem the right word when you're joining a thread like this, as we all wish we didn't have to be here! I don't post as much now as I'm out of the relationship and feeling like the chains are off and I'm finally free, so not as much in need of the wise words on offer here any more, but I always check in.

I will read your thread, but I know without even looking that you will have done everything in your power to try and preserve your relationship and make him happy, but you can't love enough for 2 people. Our Relate counsellor told me that at our (first & only) session - she said that it seemed like I was so over-emotional because he does not show any emotion, so I was having to do all the work for both of us. Its exhausting and now that you've made the break you will have so much more energy to put into making yourself and your DS happy x

I'm an idiot I felt that the adult thing to do would be to talk to him about it which I did last night. He said he's going to make an effort not to call us names nor be overly critical (even though it's only ever said in jest and I take things too personally). The rest of the stuff I've lied about and made up. And he doesn't want to be with me with an attitude like this.

So I went to bed thinking maybe it is me

This morning he laughed at the way that I do something then promptly declared "oh I forgot, I'm not allowed to laugh at you am I?". He also said "did you notice who left washing on the bathroom floor? It wasn't me!" with a smug face as this was also something I raised last night.

So now I feel I've made things worse, he's going to make a point out of things he is making an effort with and I've now got to give him a reasonable amount of time to demonstrate this effort. And of course find the strength to be convinced its not just me over reacting to everything all of the time.

No you don't! He has clearly demonstrated that he isn't going to change. Do I need to spell it out? It is clear from every word of you post.

Calpurnia it must be really tough for you. I think his current behaviour just shows how little he really cared . You sound like a very caring women though...and you will make a great new life for yourself and your DC. Keep posting your thoughts here...the strength of MN will not let you down...

Silver you mean this is it? He's going today?!

veeeee I'm so sorry to hear this...I too made the mistake of trying to get my NSDH to understand what the problem with his behaviour was. It ended up giving him ammunition to be used at a later date.

Every single thing I said to him was turned back in me. I said in once that I found his verbal aggression and manner very intimidating. A few weeks later in a relate session he told the counsellor that HE found ME intimidating and aggressive. Anyone who knows me would laugh out loud at this as I'm an extremely passive calm person. But of course the counsellor didn't know me...

Bertie mine did that too - said he found me aggressive and intimidating. I was nothing of the sort (although I was two inches taller than him, which he hated). He also took my words and twisted them, used them against me. I told him I was scared of him, FFS, and that just gave him more power. Any normal man would have been horrified, but my ex wasn't normal.

I have a list of the awful things he said and did on my laptop, and when I waver (say on seeing a pic of him) I only need to read that and it is enough.

Veeeeee it really isn't you, really really it isn't. Your valiant attempts to repair your relationship have just given him more ammo. That old "I was joking" routine is one of the worst, because it makes you seem unreasonable and humourless, so of course you question whether it's actually you. It ISN'T! You're great, and you deserve so much more!

veeeee sorry my post was a bit terse! but kindly meant.

He is half out - some stuff has gone over and he is sleeping there tonight, DD is spending night at her bloke's but this is not unusual. They will both continue to move stuff tomorrow.

Of course I am left with the results of my housework strike to clear up. When my arm is better.

No need to apologise silver it's what I know deep down but for some reason can't seem to accept.

No point in doing the housework until they've finished moving surely? I am excited on your behalf!!

Tbh I was quite looking forward to a bit of housework. But will give arm a good rest, and ibroprofen and rub should allow it to recover.

silver yay for you the end is in sight.

Bertie and Veeee towards the end everything I said he twisted to make me the one at fault - in fact he is still doing it now but the ones really suffering from it are the DC's. And OMG everything was a joke and I was far to sensitive, unreasonable and did not have a sense of humour.

I love this thread i know we are all suffering at the hands of our EA partners/husbands etc I take enormous strength from reading and talking to such a wonderful, strong group of ladies. Keep going big hugs xxx

Did/Does your EA husband make you feel like you are the controlling one? Only this morning over another trivial argument he said to me that it is impossible to have a discussion with me as my opinions are so fixed. So now I've started wondering whether I'm the one in the wrong here. But deep down I think that what he really means is that he finds it so annoying when I express an opinion that is different to his and don't back down immediatly. I really don't think I'm a difficult person. Friends and colleagues tell me that I'm too much of a pushover and should say no (generally not specifically to DH) more often. Has anyone else felt like this?

I think them turning everything back on us and blaming us is one of the hardest things to deal with. It cuts so deep.

I'm feeling really down at the moment because i know NSDH has been charming people and telling them how I am breaking up the family (he's even tried to do it with my mother FGS!).

He's painting himself as the victim. I knew he would do this he's been playing victim for such a long fine that he's an expert at it...i fell for it for years so I shouldn't be surprised. I told myself it would happen. I'm trying not to let it get to me...but does he really think that I'm to blame here?

I know I've done nothing wrong. I've told him that. He even admitted it himself at one point. But now he says I've fucked up. My error is that I've failed to forgive him. I've failed to believe that he is in the process of changing..,of sorting himself out. I've made a mistake because I'm not prepared to wait it out...to wait for him to change. He says I'm ruining DSs life by breaking up the family. He says I'm responsible. He says that when DS is older he'll tell him what really happened...

Yes. My xP constantly tells me I'm a walkover and anyone can tell me to do anything. And then says I never listen to him and ignore what he says and am rigid and inflexible.

Minus the DS, that's exactly what my xP says, Bertie. The problem isn't his aggression, shouting, violence, criticism, it's my failure to accept it.