Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

My NSDH has also accused me occasionally of having an affair - as if. Last time he said that to me (end of last year I think) I just laughed in his face and told him I was too busy with a FT job, a house, a cat, a grumpy under-1 yr old and a grotbag of a husband to ever have TIME for an affair. That shut him up.

Unfortunately this seems to be a common theme with FWs - because any problem is YOU not THEM.

.....and you can't fix them, and they won't fix themselves.

Actually your head sounds pretty screwed on. I am rather too much of an optimist, so agree that there may be back-sliding on the road to change. I suppose the thing is, will he learn from the events of yesterday. His reaction of road rage was hardly likely to calm the other idiot down.

I've been re-reading the Lundy book. I think we all need reminding of the 'clear signs of an abuser who isn't changing':

• he says he can only change if you change too.
• he says he can change only if you "help" him change by giving him emotional support, reassurance, and forgiveness, and by spending a lot of time with him. This often means that he wants you to abandon any plans you had to take a break from seeing him.
• he criticises you for not realising how much he has changed.
• he criticises you for not trusting that his change will last.
• he criticises you for considering him capable of behaving abusively even though he has in fact done so in the past (or has threatened to) as if you should know that he "would never do something like that," even though he has.
• he reminds you about the bad things he would have done in the past but isn't doing anymore, which amounts to a subtle threat.
• he tells you that you are taking too long to make up your mind, that he can't "wait forever," as a way to pressure you not to take the time you need to collect yourself and to assess how much he's really willing to change.
• he says, "I'm changing, I'm changing," but you don't feel it.

I think Lundy Bancroft must have met my NSDH as this is very accurate...

8 out of 8 here.

My NSDH doesn't even recognise that he NEEDS to change - is that worse?

And stay strong hildebrand, the aggressive driving thing is something my NSDH has done before and it scares the shit out of me. He can be as apologetic as he likes, it doesn't excuse putting the lives of his wife and kids at risk.

That list is interesting as in the last 3 Weeks fw hasn't done any of those things. Other than 2 brief outbursts of temper, he has been very decent.
Hildebrand, at risk of sounding like a fool, the way I look on it, its hard to break a long habit so lapses are only human. I gave up cigarettes in February. I had some cravings, I gave in a couple of times, I felt bad. Eventually I got to the stage where I had no strong cravings.
I figure breaking EA and in my fw's case, alcoholic tendencies will not be a smooth road without any bumps..

my NSDH doesn't even recognise that he NEEDS to change - is that worse? normal I think...after all it is a big ask. Their behaviour works for them after all just so long as we are playing their game!

I figure breaking EA and in my fw's case, alcoholic tendencies will not be a smooth road without any bumps.. no it is a life long journey (even without the alcohol) in fact their used to be a 12 steps programme for abusers, even those who didn't drink.

I saw my counsellor today. She wants me to phone social services about fw behaviour toward dd on Friday morning. I know that I was angry about it but still I'm back tracking to the "was it really that serious?" thoughts

I presume you told your counsellor the facts - I'm sure you weren't exaggerating? You are now minimising, it seems. I don't have any advice re SS though. Anyone else?

Veeee, read your post from Sunday where you say that your fwh calls your daughter a butch and a bastard, and can't wait for her to be bigger so he can smack her properly.
Sorry my dear but it seems to me that you probably need to get your child away from him. Its not the EA that concerns me about him, its the fact that he is looking forward to beating your baby.
Up to you re calling ss, but keep yourself and your child safe.

Bitch
Not
Butch
Damn phone.

veeee its hard having a small baby to look after while dealing with all this, i think im also hormonally emotionally about it and about protecting her if that makes sense. its also exhausting with the lack of sleep and lack of time you get to process things. and having to hold it all together all the time for their sake. but they kind of keep you going too don't they? their smiles and laughs and joy they bring.

met dh yesterday to discuss practical things. he persuaded me to keep our accounts the way they were, and gave me his bank card of the joint account and said he wouldn't touch it. i know he can go in to the bank, but i do believe him. he said if i mess with our finance it will change the way his student loan is set up, and it took a lot of stress filling out the forms to get it in the first place. he gets the funding for our rent so is happy to pay it, nothing really needs changed, and i told him i was guaranteeing nothing at this stage about our marriage, he said well if that came to be the case, we can change all the finances at a later date. so i am ok with that for now, and its less stress for me right now. he was very apologetic, took full responsibiiity for everything and said he would go to his mums and hope we could work on our marriage from there.

i told mum more stuff, he told his mum he had been emotionally abusive towards me. i don't konw what difference it has made - they haven't contacted me yet.

i have had no sleep last night and worried about driving home today and being able to cope. im sure i will feel better after a few coffees. he stayed for dinner and all last night and we got on ok. i know this is the right thing i have done and he says he knows now too that it is the right thing, that it has took this to make him realise.

jan I'm glad things are sorting through for you. Did he offer to move out then? I'm hoping nsdh will do the same when the time comes.

I'm thinking of Monday as time to leave although I don't know if I can play happy families for the weekend. Plan is to go to (male) friends house for a couple of weeks and just not tell him where I am. He is then away for work for 2 weeks so I'll come home during that time and then after that I can move into my mums as my nan will have gone home by then. Is this a reasonable plan?

Well, his twuntishness is going right to the wire.

We have an arrangement whereby DD pays 1/3 of household bills to ex, and he then pays in 2/3 HBills to joint a/c. I pay in the last 1/3.

This month he only paid in half what he usually pays 'because he and DD might have moved out before [settlement date]'. Direct Debits of course take no account of this, so joint is once again slightly od. Of course, he didn't volunteer this info, it came out when I raised it just now. Grrrr (and wry amusement, and even a strange sort of admiration!)

Just happened upon a pic of my ex at a place we went together earlier this year. It's really taken the wind out of my sails, I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach, probably because it's the first I've seen or heard of him since we split up in May.

He looks fine, his usual cute self. I have never regretted our breakup, and only have to think back to the many awful things he said and did to me to know that I made the right decision, but it doesn't change the fact that I did love him.

I suppose it's the old sticking plaster analogy - I've just ripped it off. Now I've just got to deal with seeing him face to face, which is unfortunately all too likely seeing as he drives through my town on the way to work and knows my workmates well - in fact he's supposed to be coming here for a job swap for a few days. I've asked to be forewarned so I can book it as holiday.

Yuck. I might print the photo out, stick it to a dartboard and use it to practise my oneundredanayyyyyyteeeeeees.

Who was I kidding in my previous post. Turned out it was bravado on my part, I am fucking depressed by it. Please let him go soon.

Hey, Silver, have a big warm hug. He will be gone soon. Him and his rebate, calculated to the last penny. And it will be money well spent.

Thanks nomore. And other folk, I have read your posts, just feeling a bit self0centred. I suppose it is harder in some ways because the end is in sight

Yes, Silver is as usual my conscience. I lurk here a lot. Have not posted properly because P checks and that leads to grief. If I don't help much it's not because I don't feel every moment for you all. Just my mental world has shrunk down to my own problems, and I'm not proud of that; I do try to look out to others but get caught up a lot. Sorry.

Silver, the end is still in sight, and although there'll probably be some more parting comments/shots before it's done, it's not more or less what you've already coped with. You can do it. xxx

more or less than you've etc.

I'm sorry silver. Not long to go and you won't have to put up with his behaviour anymore. Did he not tell you on purpose on is he too selfish to even have thought that it would be an issue?