Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Thanks for posting this ladyWordy. I was involved (with a number of other people) in helping someone flee abuse, one of our worries was how to get the hamster out...

Doingit I really think you should get some pics done of you and your DCs, it'd be really good So many photographers can do relaxed rather than formal shots these days

The pet thing seems to be a common theme with these men. NSDH's behaviour to our gorgeous cat borders on intense dislike. The poor thing has fleas at the moment (the annual struggle caused by hot weather, fleas in the carpet left by the last owners, and contact with the neighbour's cats that she doesn't de-flea). NSDH keeps calling her names "that flea-ridden animal" etc, and wants her out of the house entirely. I keep trying to explain that it's not her fault, this happens every year and have now resorted to telling him if it bothers him that much he can by some flea powder for the house (he never does) or move somewhere else. He wouldn't allow her on the bed last night - "this is MY bed" he says. Until I pointed out, actually it's OUR bed. . He says he read 'somewhere' that if fleas get too bad they infest the matress, but couldn't tell me where he'd read that when challenged.

Saw his current account bank statement this morning - he has £2.4k sitting in it. It made me feel sick. I'm still in my overdraft (but down to £1.7k yay ). I can't bear it.

He's getting to me today. Grumpy as I woke him up early this morning - DD has a raging temp and was shaking like mad, I was frightened and wanted his help to bathe her. Luckily her temp has come down now and she seems ok. He also wants half an hour to himself to 'sort out his fantasy football team' online. . Give me strength please!!!!

Same here for photos...

I only have 2 or 3 of me and DS when he was a tiny baby...& they're rubbish. I remember asking STBX to take photo of me & DS when DS was 12 weeks old because I didn't have any to send to family.

Of course I didn't realise it at the time...& now its too late. I look at friends' gorgeous photos of them with their newborns... tasteful and beautiful and heartwarming and as flattering as possible considering they've just given birth and I feel really that I don't have that.

It gets worse. I just want to crawl back into bed alone and stay there for the rest of the day!

Sending hugs, warm vibes, and anything else you can think of, Nini.

I used to go back to bed in the afternoon, as didn't want to face the housework while FWEx was upstairs playing Civilisation working on the computer. Of course, this was held up as evidence of my mh issues - which it was: I was, rightly, depressed!

He didn't want to get a kitten, 17 years ago. Expense, bother, inconvenience. Me and the kids overrode him, and DCat has been a godsend.

Warning ... Rant
For those considering joint counselling or counselling with someone who does not know about abuse - read this
www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/jul/29/dear-mariella-bullying-boyfriend
This is a young woman who has been enticed away from family and friends. Who is financially and career stuck because of him. Who is afraid of her boyfriend and wants to leave, but is too confused to work out an exit plan.
Recognize this anyone?
This well known agony aunt says to contact Refuge (thereby proving it is abuse
Berates her for not being able to work out how to leave - instead of congratulating her on working out all on her own that she has to leave this FFS!!! it took me 30 years.
And tells her to take responsibility for making the wrong choice of man - well if an 'expert' can't spot a FW, what hope can there be for a 24-yr-old young woman!
Rant over

fingers, thanks for posting. The comments well and truly put her right, including our own MN snowcat if I'm not mistaken.

Thanks Silver.

Really shocked at that 'agony aunt', what planet is the woman on! Aside from the bullshit advice, making jokes about having taken your kids to see Mamma Mia isn't the kind of thing you expect to see connected to a story on emotional abuse! The writer's comment about wanting to be a teenager again with all the 'potential of life' almost made me cry. Couldn't see a comments page though?

It's been a long day - we ended up having a row as he decided he wanted to go into town to buy himself clothes (why he can't do that in his lunch-hour at work is beyond me!) so he left me with DD. I was making her lunch when he came home and presented me with a big bunch of flowers (unusual). All very nice but think he was expecting me to fall over myself in thanks - he then got the hump as I was too busy cooking for DD to do anything with them - I had to ASK him to put them in water for me!

Yet another weekend when it's all about HIS rest and what HE wants, I'm left to mind DD alone. He might as well not be here, it's like being a single parent except for the second wage. Despite all the promises, nothing has changed!

He buys himself clothes??

Mine seems to think it is a plus that he didn't buy clothes unless I frogmarched him to the Metro Centre.

ah fingers she is clueless.
thank heaven for the posters below who at least saw it for what it is. I hope she reads the comments.

Hi Fool Yes, after *Silver's post, I went back and saw the comments - praise the Lord!
I think what really shocked - scared me, even, was, as you say, her total cluelessness. She did not even recognize the abusive situation as one she should not have gone anywhere near.
Thank the Lord - again - that my new counsellor seems clued up. Really looking forward to tomorrow.
FW still deafening me with silence. Think playing superdad is wearing him out, though
How are things with you?
Do you have anyone helping you fight the good fight?

fingers I guess your FW is able to be Superdad because he knows it's short term...to tiring otherwise.

The hill is quiet for now. More mediation on Tues. mediator was supposed to email me a heads up re what we are talking about but hasn't yet...maybe NSDH hasn't bothered to come up with any plans?? (would be usual).
Parents are here for a weeks break in hol cottage...and are going to see us on Thursday (, , ) think they are running scared that I might actually ask for a bit of support. Pretty lonely to be honest. But hey ho and on we go.

:( at useless parents Fool

Someone needs help - drunken violence link

Hey all. I'm all over the place.

Me and the boys spent the day with NSDH on Saturday, then stayed over. It was just lovely. We went out to a shopping centre for lunch then a walk about - previously that's something that wouldn't have been enjoyable because he'd get stressed, want to go, be tetchy. He wasn't, he seemed relaxed. So I was relaxed. We had fun. Had a lovely evening too. Got up Sunday morning and he asked if we'd stay over again that night, so he could show me it wasn't a fluke. I was so tempted, I wanted to. But I worried what my parents would think (since they already unsure about the sleepover). And then, I crashed. The stress of my big decision - to take the flat or move home - plus suddenly this decision about staying over again or even just staying for dinner. It got too much. I burst into tears at some small comment he made, and then proceeded to cry hysterically off and on all afternoon. In the past year, I've cried hysterically with him more often than in all my life, but yesterday was the cherry on top. It just wouldn't stop. Then I was crying because I knew I'd ruined what could have been a nice afternoon, and because my older DS had seen me cry & I felt like an awful mother, and because I was upsetting my DH, who's on shaky emotional ground as it is, and because I hate being in this situation. I wanted to take the flat, getting my own place has filled my head for the last two months, but now I don't want it. I want to go home but feel I'm in no fit state to, plus I worry that things will be bad again. I'm just being torn apart. I haven't eaten anything since about this time yesterday, and I feel sick. Maybe I should never have agreed to staying over, maybe it was too much for me to take. Maybe I need to focus on myself rather than worrying that if I don't go back, DH is going to completely lose it and jack in his job, etc. But I feel responsible. I know I'm not, but yesterday I felt like a truly awful person. I'm building his hopes up into thinking I might go back then dashing them. I need to decide today, one way or another. I know it must be the flat, to go back would be ridiculously stupid and dangerous for me mentally (I'm already on anti-ds now), but I can't seem to stop yearning to go back. Why can't I choose the right path, why do I keep making bad decisions for myself. At various points yesterday, I just wanted to not exist any more. It was all I could do to not say this (through the wracking sobs) to my DH, as I don't want him to be able to have ammunition to say I'm not coping or fit to have the kids. I'm a mess. Feel numb and flat today. But have stuff to get on with, got someone coming to cut my hair in a while, then DS1 has a doc's appt this afternoon. Just want to go back to bed.

Sorry, I know I'm no help to anyone else on here at the moment. I'm thinking of you all though, even if I'm only posting about myself. and to everyone, and later. Hang in there. Don't know what I'd do without Mumsnet to make me feel ever so slightly less like I'm going bonkers.

Crying is good. It won't hurt your DS to know that.
You have made the decision about the flat, it seems from your post. Now you just have to ring up and say yes you want it. This is not burning your boats, it is acting in the interests of yourself, DC and even DH.

All love xxx

Thanks Silver. I was already taking the flat, have paid a deposit (although haven't signed anything), current tenant moving out tomorrow so only a few days till I am meant to move in. Nothing like it being down to the wire.

I've told him. He's very upset. Have to drop off our son with him later, so I'll see him then, not looking forward to it - mainly because it'll be upsetting and I know I'll cry. Again.

Anyway, thanks.

Glad I could help a bit. Now, have you eaten? I have a modest reputation for recommending Weetabix - slips down a treat...

Ponygirl, you are allowed to cry. I'm guessing that a floodgates being unleashed type of scenario as you describe means that maybe you needed to let it all out. It sounds like you are stressed beyond belief, afraid to hope that he might change, wanting to hope that he has and can, trying to do the best for your DD and yourself, balancing the feedback you are getting from friends and family etc etc. Believe me, I know.
For what its worth, I think you are doing the right thing by getting your own place. Hugs

Do you know, in my previous incarnation (as an independent, sensible and together person), I was not a cryer. In fact, I never cried and didn't like crying in front of people. I have cried more with my NSDH than in my whole life. I'm a bawling machine. But yesterday was a deluge of uncontrolled howling. Proper snot-fest.

Silver, still haven't eaten anything, had about 4 though. Just feel sick. But don't worry, will be having dinner, wont be able to get away with not eating once my mum comes home.

Getting texts now from him asking me if I am going to take my stuff away with me or should he leave it in the shed. When I say 'Don't care. Shed.', he texts to ask do i not even want to keep it there, in our house? Now I'm saying fine, keep it there, I don't want to move it out, he's saying I should be paying for storage then because he can't afford to live in the house on his own. Am banging head against wall. I need to disengage. Just when we'd gotten closer again. I know it's not my fault, but can't help but feel it is down to me that we are back to being like this with each other when the last week has been so good.

Forsale, you're right, about it all. I'm so stressed, tied up between what I want (a happy family, with a happy ponygirl), what my NSDH wants (me to move home, regardless of how I feel) and what my family and friends want (me to never see him again). I do want to hope he has changed, that's why I think I want to go home. But I fear he hasn't changed enough. I know my own place is the right thing for me. I also think it's the right thing for there to be any long-term hope of saving our relationship. But NSDH doesn't, and is telling me how wrong I am, how I'm ruining our relationship. He's now talking again about selling our house and jacking in his job. I know I can't be responsible for him, but I feel awful about it, he's struggling and he has literally no-one in RL to talk to. Just me. He's been having counselling but hasn't seen him in over a month as his therapist's been on holiday. He refuses to entertain the thought of getting anti-ds. I can't make him help himself.

pony I don't know if you remember but a while ago you posted on one my threads and I asked if you were me? There were so many similarities between our stories...

Anyway, I believe I understand what you're going through now. I'm speaking from my heart...how I feel...but I think you might be feeling the same?

You don't want to give up on him but you have to...for the time being at least. You said yourself he has changed...but not enough. It make take him years to change enough for you to be comfortable to consider a proper relationship with him again...or he may never change. He will not /cannot change in the short space of time that has passed.

Take care of yourself and your DC now. Listen to your family and friends. They have obviously seen the effect that your relationship with NSDH has had on you. Moving into your new place will be scary, but it will signify to him (and you and everyone else) that you are still the 'together' person you always have been.

Keep posting
(((hug)))

hi guys

im sorry for posting every time things blow up and running away from this thread the rest of the time

i put my name down for a council house but it could take ages to get one, even then i don't know where or what type.

i keep going between wanting to move out and wanting to make things work. he says there is things about him that will never change and i just need to accept (ie him being grumpy in the morning)

i felt run off my feet yesterday and he was trying to put more stuff in the laundry basket when there was loads of washing there to do and i said why don't you just put a wash on, i feel like im doing the majority of the housework round here.... and he went THROUGH me, he was so angry with me and so defensive. this happens any time i challenge him to do anything orsay something he doesn't like/agree with. he says he disagrees with me as he does a lot of things round the house that i 'can't do' (not housework). he is talking about paying bills, sorting stuff like that out. oh and he puts the bins out. so please, those who manage the finances of the house yourself (as he excludes me from this) how long does it actually take to pay all the bills and sort everything that needs sorted out?

i am feeling so low. i have just stayed in all day cos i feel so bad - i hope all this stress in the house isn't affecting my baby. i looked up rental properties earlier and i think i could just about afford it (but im on benefits). baby is under 1 but im hoping to be qualified to get a better job when she'll be about 3

its so hard i keepchanging my mind about what to do.

Part of my Ex's cocklodging was not doing any housework, though he did his own laundry, as did the kids from age 14. (The other part was not working much so we had to spend our capital). and the other part was...

We have had bills on Direct Debit, every so often I have tried to review suppliers etc which is a PITA. (We now need to get them into my name) But DD by their very nature take v little time, although it is as well to check bank statements.

You could see CAB for a proper benefits check, to include Housing Benefit.

Well jan2011, I look after our finances, I do all the laundry, most of the cleaning, most of the food shopping and cooking, and I work fulltime. I put the bins out about half of the time. I put out the kids clothes every morning, make their school lunches, put them to bed most nights, bath them at least 50% of the time, find time to bake, jog, have a small social life, read, talk to my friends, come on MN, etc.
Maybe that answers your question.