Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Thanks jan apparently my family have given him lots of orders instructions on how to look after me and threatened said they will turn up if he doesn't.

He hates people coming to the house so that should be enough for me to get some basic care until I get back on my feet...

I read the rest of your post...rang a few bells with me. I was a SAHM until my DS was nearly 2.

STBXH didn't do any night feeds, and I didn't get any lie ins, because HE has the job and HE needed the rest.

When I then went back to full time work it continued the same.

You might find your life actually gets a bit easier when your H goes away for this holiday. You'll be able to sleep when you want... and do what you need to when you need to...without being criticised for it.

Bertie, hope you get well soon.

Another one here a bit baffled by her FW's lovely behaviour. Being where he said he would be, on time, with good grace. Polite, kind, concerned. Offering to help, doing things the first time I ask. I find myself being abrupt with him because I feel like its a trap or a game!
Isn't it ridiculous that all the behaviours I'm describing are things that should be normal yet I find them alien and discomfiting?
I'm just waiting for the mask to drop. Nobody changes in a week, unfortunately. I've told him I am taking 24 hours off at the weekend for head space, no problem apparently. May do a night at a spa on my own, yay! Feel like I should do something coupley to help relationship, but ya know what, fuck that! I've spent the last five years trying to find ways to connect with him and resolve our issues.
Off now to book the spa!

I've spoken to WA this evening. I feel a bit overwhelmed by what she said. I only told her half the stuff that goes on and she said that if I'd only spoken to her about 1 of those things she would be telling me it was abusive and controlling behaviour but all of them together makes it much worse. She said she's concerned for me and dd, that our safety is in jeopardy if he finds out I've spoken to them or I've made plans. She said in time, studies show, his behaviour will get worse.

I said I was relieved that she didn't think I was being ridiculous. She said far from it, his behaviour to me and to dd is totally unacceptable. That with men like this there is no sitting down and being reasonable, especially if they are refusing to admit that their actions are wrong.

She's told me to speak to my gp and a solicitor so that I have records should I need them. And to call them back when I feel like ive had enough and they'll help me with next steps.

I also told my mum today who was very very shocked but she said I can go and stay with her.

Well done veeeee, takes guts to tell people. Do you feel any better, or any sense of relief?
What do you plan to do next?

I feel relieved that a professional thinks it's EA and it's serious enough to be concerned. In some ways I wish she'd told me that it was just normal relationship issues though because then I'd feel better that I am wrong iykwim?? She was wonderful though and almost knew everything I was going to say before I said it. There is some odd comfort in it being "classic" behaviour

I don't know what to do next, I'm going to pack an emergency bag for dd and I and leave it at a friends then I'm going to start sorting through paperwork I guess! And organising finances.

I saw our local women's aid lot earlier this year, in a state because I thought there was a possibility that FWEx had defrauded his mother's estate (he hadn't, but the evidence I had then was ambiguous). I had mentioned it to him, (I was going through the accounts of our marriage) so I knew that if guility he would be alerted to my suspicions, and who knew how he might react?

I poured all this out to them, and they listened, they didn't think it was a psychotic rant (I have a diagnosis of bi-polar), they calmed me down, and let me think things through. Then I drove off to check with the building society whose account looked fishy, and it put my mind at rest.

I was so relieved to be taken seriously.

veeeee, that sounds like a plan...

Being taken seriously is the most wonderful tonic!

Yes fingers it is

She did worry me though when she was repeating things back to me that I told her. She also asked "if a stranger did/said this to you or dd, what would you do? Would it be acceptable?" and then pointed out that it's no more acceptable, in fact less so, if someone who says they love you does it

veeeee why was it weird when she was repeating things back to you? Did it make it feel more real?

I know that when my counsellor does this with me I'm sometimes a bit taken aback...sort of "OMG that is what I'm saying isn't it"...

TBH I think it can be a bit of a shock sometimes...like you can't figure out your own thoughts by yourself...but a complete stranger can do it easily...

Bertie, Veeee, know exactly what you mean, my counsellor last week repeated back some of the things I said (and did the whole "and how did that make you FEEL" thing), and it was quite horrible to hear the way I was describing my life.

i think its not that you 'can't' figure the thoughts out - its just that you know what is happening, and what you think, but someone else can make it clearer for you, help you realise it, and help you break out of the denial. they can help you see it for what it is - its different out loud than it is in our heads.

ive had a lot going on the last couple of days but no energy to even post about it... but thinking of you all

Am well overdue for going for a walk, but used to use them to talk aloud to myself about what was currently on my mind. Fortunately I live in the country

Loving the nc Silver

veeeee I'm glad things are going to be sorted out for you, WA are really great at helping. Good luck.

Yes bertie that's exactly it! What has disturbed me most is what she described and sexual abuse. And it is, I know that, but I've never called it that.

Oh veeeee I'm so sorry. It must be a huge shock to realise that.

I remember how I felt when MNetters told me what I was describing was emotional abuse....you don't want to believe that the man you love (who says he loves you) is capable of such things...but you know in your heart it's true...

Keep strong.

Yes. and discovering Ex was a cocklodger, and what is more, was using my mh issues to justify it! Grrrrrrr...

29 days and counting...

Just had this conversation;

Me: I've got really bad period pains.
FW: Does that mean I'm getting some bareback action? You said I could sometime in the month (we're using condoms as I don't want to go back on the pill yet)

WTAF?? Is it just me going picking up on everything now and making a big deal or is he just completely selfish?

veeee!

WHAT!!!!

Truly shocking behaviour from your FWH veeeee

veeee as an ancient Babyboomer I was fortunate enough to have much of my sexual fun without benefit of barrier methods! Condoms and spermicide for a year, then was on the pill from about 19, then trying for DC (loved the feeling of sex that might result in a baby), then on hated diagphragm - kept pinging it across the bathroom - then on depo injection for 10 years, and no periods, hooray.

Then menopause! Aids was unheard of in my youth, though I did have undetected chlamidia (sp) which affected my fertility, and may have had crabs

All of which is a roundabout way of saying I have some sympathy with your partner, although of course with bad period pains I wouldn't be wanting any either! Periods were my randiest times

Hope not TMI

Oh and mine is at it too now...

I was taken ill friday night (think I posted on here that I was exhausted on Friday). Ended up being taken to a & e by ambulance early saturday morning. Diagnosed with pneumonia and stayed in hospital until Monday. Discharged with strict instructions to rest and not do anything. Sick note for work for a month to start with. I didn't realise but pneumonia is really serious. I HAVE to take it easy.

STBXH insisted to family and friends that he'd look after me & DS. There were loads of offered of help...he turned them down.

It's been 5 days now and he's had enough.

Just told me that he really wants to go out with his mates straight from work because he hasn't been out for ages...
But I can't drive yet so can't pick up DS from nursery and I'm not strong enough to cope with bathing him...

He's spent too much money on me (have separate finances and he's bought a bit of extra food for me out of his pocket) and will cook another couple of meals for me and that's it.
So today I've had to order a food delivery from the supermarket of things that I'll be able to prepare easily for myself and DS...

He said he wanted to look after me (despite the fact that we are separating). I think it was just for show. The selfish git inside is shining through...

Oh bertie what a sod. Can't you contact those who offered help, and say you need it now?

Take care of yourself, (but not by doing everything yourself ). All the best.

I am honoured silvercat

bertie but truth will out...at least HE turned down the help so you can now accept it and everyone will know why (another good reason to phone everyone who offered...more help and understanding for the future)

veeeee

And Bertie....YOU HAVE TO REST you cannot and must not do what we all do...carry on regardless...you MUST get help in. Pneumonia is serious and young people with pneumonia are particularly prone to keeping going and getting serious complications. Please please phone people OK?

Hope you get some rest Bertie. I agree phone people and tell them he isn't helping.

My ex has been looking after our children a bit this week because i'm ill. Granted I didn't ask him to look after me and why should he (except that any half decent person would) After 2 days of me not eating because I couldn't get anything I could eat and couldn't move much, hence not being able tolook after the children, he finally bought me a tin of soup from the shop next door and slammed in down in the kitchen before taking the children back to his. I then had his mum having a go at me on the phone because i'm so ungrateful for everything he has done for me, despite the way i've treated him! I did swear at her at this point, which although i'm ashamed of losing it, it was bloody good fun and well overdue :)