Support for those in Emotionally abusive relationships number 10

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

The great thing is, even though we suffer their Fwittedness so painfully, we are the ones still filled with life and humanity, while they are twisted souls.

Mine took over the cooking, but not the baking (a life-saver for me to be able to bake and eat lots of flapjack), and during our recent negotiations he seemed to think he deserved a big pat on the back for it. Truth was, I missed cooking . And he never made a nice Mahda Jaffrey curry from scratch like he used to occasionally in the olden days .

Guess who financed the purchase of the food, and the fuel and utensils to cook it?

He wouldn't do things like prepare apples for a pudding (we only had pudding if I fancied making one, he never made one himself and never asked to learn). And if we were eating on our laps in front of the telly, and I asked him to help himself, partly cos I didn't know what size portion to serve, he would sort of refuse politely to do so, so I would end up dishing up his and bringing it to me. Entitled attitude much? Sex later? - v unlikely, with that attitude

Specially if it was stir-fry for dinner . Take-aways were rare, suggested by yours truly, were usually fish and chips, and I got to have a nice little drive to fetch them.

I could go on...

Same here with dinners, has to be fresh, has to take time to prepare etc and his latest thing is it has to be healthy which to him means no carbs!

I've had a lovely week without him but he's back tomorrow. I went to the olympic torch relay with some friends, which is something he'd never have done with us, and I even went to the cinema last night. I felt guilty for going out though! And I know I'll get 20 questions about who I was with, he's already been asking who people in the photos are.

OMG same thing with STBXH and food here...fresh, "healthy", low carbs, definitely no leftovers, different type of food everyday.

Funny thing is, I stopped cooking for him a while ago and made him buy his own food...he suddenly realised how expensive it is and how long it takes to prepare. Now he will buy ready prepared meals...

I was admitted to hospital yesterday so STBXH has had to look after DS. He will have to help out more with him when I'm recovering at home.

The thing is he can cope in a crisis like this. It makes me .

He's good (not at all EA) when he needs to be....obviously can't be bothered the rest of the time...

I just hope that he doesn't think this will change anything...

Hey all. Very sad lady here thinking of joining you when I can.

Long history, but very angry partner with stress/depression issues. Came to a head 3 weeks ago with drunken violence and I had to call the police. Talked seriously about changing behaviour and he promised all the right things and has done quite well - stopped drinking, stopped shouting etc.

But last night he came upstairs and started again on how stressed he is, how I should know he would never 'hit' me, how if I hadn't have been going on at him (I was moving the cat litter tray) it wouldn't have happened, how everyone now thinks he's a wifebeater just because he's stressed and not coping, how unfair it all is.

I just feel in despair. How can he minimise screaming in my face and shoving me around like this? I was terrified, yet he's the victim? I have tiptoed around him and his anger for over a year, trying to help, trying to support. But he wouldn't go to either of the two CBT sessions arranged for him. He wouldn't cut down his drinking, or take two days off work. He says it's my fault for being more distant, but he's so angry when I suggest things that might help that of course I pull back a bit. I can't keep on getting rebuffed and not feel it.

If I say to him what I really want to say - that he has a selfish streak a mile wide, that he needs to stop feeling sorry for himself and think about other people, that he needs to take his meds and counselling seriously - well, I daren't even think about it. He has a new referral and his first session on 1st August (by 'phone!). He certainly has problems, and right now I can't tell whether the veneer of panic, depression and stress overlies a nice man or an unpleasant personality. I suppose I could do with some support while we wait and see if the counselling helps or not.

rhubarb hi and im so sorry you had to find this thread, but glad too as its very supportive. the screaming in your face thing is terrible, been there many times. im sorry youre going through all this, you deserve much better.

the food thing - it was frustrating but then my mIL did used to cook these massive steaks apparently all the time so i guess i can't really compete.

i am frustrated. dh is still in bed, dd been up early and i been minding her all morning... which means we miss church. unless i get him up and face a possible argument for asking him to watch her for awhile, he just doesn't get up. this morning i just thought i don't have the energy to get him up and dealwith him if he;s grumpy so ill just leave him. but its twenty to 11 and he;s still not up. i can't be bothered with this every weekend. im exhausted too why should he always be the one to lie in all the time. sorry for ranting.

Rhubarb counselling by phone may be the right thing for him - it can be effective just because the two involved cannot see each other, and have to go on tone of voice, loudness etc (as well as content of course!) At least it is (another) start.

jan oh yes the lie-ins at the weekend - while I tackled the kitchen alone and minded the kids (thank god for SMTV live ). I always hoped we'd go out as a family when he finally surfaced. He would then cook a big breakfast, thus putting out the synchronisation of meal times....

But the kids and I had fun

rhubarb hi and hugs. It took me a while for the scales to fall away from my eyes, but just in case it helps, I can tell you that everything you wrote, could have been written by me. My estranged husband's stress, frustration, whatever the excuse of the moment was, did not cover a nice man trying to get out, they covered a selfish, totally self deluded man. My EH of course has his good points, like anyone, and these served to disguise the truth for years for me because I desperately hung on to the hope that the "nice man" hiding inside the problems (many caused by me, of course, ho ho ho) would emerge like a bloody butterfly. Experiencing DV, coming on here, finally talking to people in RL has made me confront the truth and although I haven't escaped yet, I'm digging the tunnel and feel better than I have for years as a result.

So STFWXH has told my mum today that he maybe able to see the kids in about 3 weeks time because work is really busy!! So on his day off (which he has to have by law as coach driver) he will be doing what??

F***g arsehole!! If he thinks I'm am going to respond directly to him about that he's having a laugh!! Which is what it is intended for. Solicitors tomorrow xx

Go for it, Newbe, well done!

Hello Rhubarb - please know that you won't always feel sad like this. Things will change and you'll get stronger and stronger.

However, it sounds to me like counselling will not work for him because he doesn't think he has a problem. My exP said he'd never hit a woman but that didn't stop him whacking me in the arm once. I suppose it doesn't count if it's not the face, right? So many of these men seem to play the victim/martyr, and if you read good ole Lundy Bancroft you'll see that this is one of the eight types of abuser. So we feel sorry for them, and minimise their behaviour because "it's not them, it's their depression/bad childhood/crap relationship with mother/work stress etc etc etc". It's NOT. I have stressful days at work and I would never take them out on my partner in the way these men do. I might be a bit grumpy but I'd ask for a cuddle and tell them why it had been a crap day, and if they were a good bloke, they'd listen and hopefully make me a cuppa.

I found that my crap days were nothing compared with his. His were always much worse. Like work stress was some kind of Olympic endurance sport.

having a hard time with knowing its not my fault. what about the normal stuff that all couples argue about, like him sleeping in etc, arguing about who does what. i feel unreasonable htinking him as EA at the minute - i had so much evidence in the past but now the issues seem to be normal issues even though i feel he is unreasonable in them, i feel its not so much EA. i am so confused.

jan IT'S NOT repeat Not Your Fault.

How old are your kids? Are you having a holiday? Do you work?

Enjoy the summer. We are here.

Am thinking of becoiming TheGreyPussycat. What does everyone think?

Jan I have been down this road too on numerous occasions as have many others on this thread no doubt. I often felt that I was over reacting and thought I was making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I know now I wasn't over-reacting by researching all the information on EA, talking to people, I rang Women's Aid too and said I thought I was being ridiculous. They said if you thought what was happening to me was trivial why was I ringing them? I was miserable what they were telling me was I was right to think that the man I married who I thought loved me had gradually worn away the woman that was ME. I was miserable and for a very good reason.

AS those light bulb moments start to appear however slow you will soon realise that what is happening to you is more than the normal everyday couple arguments.

Big Hug :) Today is a good day - I have the power!!!

not a very happy colour pink.....inspired by the book, reality or going incognito???

I imagine Silver would be more uplifting????

Hadn't thought about the book connotations

Though the thread is hilarious

Big congrats Pink/silver!

Massive apologies from me, I havn't been around much lately, life seems to be passing me by. I miss you all .

Interested by the comments about cooking, NSDH does the vast majority of it, he enjoys cooking, I hate it, and when I cook he hangs over my shoulder, I inevitably never do it right. For some reason that seems to make him a 'modern man' in his eyes and the eyes of some people we know. The fact he does bugger all else doesn't register.

He's infuriating me at the moment. It's obvious he's trying but he slips up with little things on a regular basis. What makes me really cross is that us 'working together' means I'm not allowed to make critical comments about anything. For example, I stayed with my sister this week so I could go to her graduation and she and her friends asked me to stay an extra night so we could go out and celebrate. I rang NSDH to ask him if he minded, he said that he'd invited some friends over the night after that (hadn't told me) so there was lots to do in the house. Made me a bit cross so I told him I was staying anyway and got an early train home. An enjoyable few days if it wasn't for my Mum's barbed comments at me all the time.

Saw my councillor on Tuesday and had quite a positive talk, she seems to think couples counselling could help as it'll give us a neutral space. No idea how much longer we'll have to wait for the first app to come through though.

Love and hugs and and to you all.

Wow silver, that's very glamorous, love it! I'm longing for the day when I can award myself the new name of freeatlast

Very elegant name Silver :)!
Wish me luck. I am going to my first counselling session tomorrow after work. A bit nervous as I don't want it to make matters even worse.
Self confidence not too high at the moment as FW is playing super-dad. He has - for the first time in nearly 20 years - taken time off to spend with the girls. He is now going to get the birthday present for DD1 that I had arranged to get. His behaviour is now all Mr. Super Reasonable Wonder Man
Anything I do or say will be interpreted and me being unhinged. Even if I do or say nothing :(
F* the wanker.

unhappy thanks for asking.

I'm just about to leave hospital now.

Have a few weeks of recovering to do at home.

It's a weird situation. H was due to go away today to get a break and give me some space (I told him I wanted to separate 10 days ago).

Now he has postponed his break so he can look after DS and me.

Sensible part of me thinks he should look after us (regardless of situation).

Emotional part of me would rather someone else was doing it...

I just hope he doesn't expect this to change anything...but I think he does...

What shall I do? I'm poorly and I don't have the energy to stand up for myself...

Bertie just chillax. I had a few days in hospital recently and FWEx brought me a cuppa in bed this morning, as I was about to have a home visit. Doesn't change a thing...

31 days and counting.

love the new name silver!

good luck with the counselling athritic. sorry you feel poorly Bertie i wish you had someone really caring to look after you.

i have an appointment with the council exec tomorrow WA are coming with me i am pretty nervous. we had another argument this morning and like ive said im half convinced its me who is BU. should i be doing all of the childcare except one bottle just because im a SAHM? she's 10 months now. its hard work as im very tired but he says its my fault as i go to bed early and should sleep. then if i do anything for myself he says thought you were too tired. im not asking much, maybe just an hour lie in once a fortnight or something. he works 6 days a week sometimes, but other times he only does like 25 hours a week. but it never matters how many hours he does its always the same - if it suits him to help he will - if its inconvenient, if its in the night or early morning he won't without a fight, or if he's too tired he won't and it doesn't matter how i feel. but aren't most men like this? the woman is just expected to do most of it isn't she, especially if he works outside the house. i must be being unreasonable. if i wake him up ever, to help in the morning, he is so grumpy and upsets me its not worth it.

anyway - i don't know whats normal and what isn't. he's going on hols with his mates soon so i will be doing everything anyway and i will see what it will be like for me - wether i can cope. im looking forward to it, but i hope i am able. he wanted me to go with him but i didn't want to so he said i was depriving him of a holiday so i told him to go with his friends.

jan well done for telling him to piss off go on holiday with his mates. The break will do you the world of good