Turning Tavern IV - Down Bi the riverside, near the well of loneliness...

[NotForProfit]

Hi all,

thought i'd be proactive and start a new thread for the wenches of the turning tavern as the old thread's pretty much full...

for anyone new to this, it's a thread for women suddenly finding themselves attracted to another woman, so grab a glass of something intoxicating, pull up a chair by the fireside and we'll try to help one another deal with the elation, confusion and heartache of rediscovering your sexuality.

outmy I'm glad that you seem calmer now about wiq - and not too keem to be proving anything to her, that's very healthy! maybe you got distant from her because of the events of last week (still didn't say whether dc is ok?)- I meant in prev post 'more distracted than usual' not 'as usual'!! The thing for you to do now is mentally weed yourself off wiq gradually and start noticing other women I think- even if there are no strong attractions it's just shifting focus to others that should help. At least it's great that you know you aer gay and not confused between men and women! like me if wiq doesn't respond
I'm now a bit more confident that if I say something/confess that she may be ok with keeoing out contact (if not interested) - no guarantees though sadly. That's why i didn't want to do it when she was cool, but if she keeps being warm I will try as I think she now is somewhat attached to me as a person in a good way, and I hope wouldn't want to never see me. But of course it is a risk, and I will tell her if the warm vibes repeat again. I knew you were going to remind me that next time can be different! I will see her briefly end of this week again, see how that goes, but as we already arranged to meet in Aug I will wait ill then I think (again there will be someone staying with her this week - it's such a bugger also with not being on our own).

yes, sorry 'wean' not 'weed''!
the letter was ages ago though - if she told people they wd have known for a long time but you didn't feel any bad attitude from anyone, so either they don't know or don't really care, which is fair enough. If you mentioned her come-ons in hte letter no way would she be showing it to people (maybe a closest friend in confidence). As I said before the letter 'incriminates' her too as people would at least wonder about her encouraging it.
You aer not a coward, it's just new territory, most people would start with this attotude.
As I'm always seeing her at her place, I can't offer her a drink whereas she has a drink by herself often in the evening and it would be really natural to offer one to me. I don't get it! I was thinking of saying 'I could really do with a glass of wine too' at some point but as i say te major problem is there is someone around staying 90% of the time and I can't start drunken evening of passes at each other at that rate! I think I might get one eve in August when it's jus her (let's jope) - but then she sometimes doesn't drink. I can'trely on this really as it would take ages to wait for right moment. Don;t know what best to do, maybe still a note. But I want interaction not leaving her to think sensibly by herself.

3 yrs is a hell of a long time, the only thing that should help you heal is that you never got close or even on friendly terms, so it was long but also quite distant. Still it must be painful in personal sense i.e. dreams, imagining the possibilities. I would be devastated if wiq told ne she won't see me again and it will take a bit to recover, it was less than a year but I did closer to her than you to your wiq in sense of knowing so much, and interacting much more often and especially having those dreamy mutually warm moments, it's hard when there were good htings. But if it happened I'd just have to tell myself that after all you want someone who wants/appreciates you (that's why I got angry last time and decided to cool it, lack of these), so my wiq can't continue with cold treatment on and off (she can be neutral as she's not some angel, but not actuvely cold) if I were to kep my efforts. So try telling yourself something similar, that you want someone appreciative and a kind hearted person. Ithink my wiq is kind for all her ups and downs. If say i discovered that she played me or used me in calculated way I think I'd cool off quite quickly even though would be hurtful. you aer due something good after this at least!

hardly brave - been dithering for so long and who knows when i actually do it!
Night!

well thank God you aer not getting stuck, as it could have happened! I think in a way last week also showed that there aer more important things now in your life, dc. I'm not saying your personal life is less important generally, but wiq definitely is less important! But don't be surprised if it's still up and down for a while (missing her sometimes etc).

Hi all, i just want to say that after last night I'm officially giving up on my original WIQ. She's made it abundantly clear through various non-verbal cues that nothing is going to happen between us, and I know I just have to accept it. I also think she, or someone else we work with, might be on to this thread and outing me in a subtle way as there were a few random references to MN from various drunken people last night, and I couldn't quite work out why at the time!

Oh well, you know what? I'm not ashamed of anything I've said on here, or any 'signals' I may have given to her in RL. I meant everything I said, and I'm not about to go and delete everything and look like i'm running scared. If I've misread her, then that's due to malfunctioning gaydar and not something I can really help. I haven't meant to embarass her or upset anyone. I'm bi and proud (if that's possible whilst not in any way officially being 'out'!)

On the upside, my cute woman is still eyeing me hypnotically and lengthily at the most inappropriate moments. If i'm misreading her, I'm a monkey's uncle! Actually plucked up the courage to initiate a conversation with her this morning so that feels like a small amount of progress for me personally. Still afraid to hold her gaze for as long as she tries to hold mine; i tend to look at her and smile for a few seconds then look down coyly and then look up again, but meanwhile, she's just looking and looking...

Emma - i think we arrived at this point just through my talking honestly and openly with him about it, and explaining that my feelings for him remain unchanged - this is just another side of me which i'm finally feeling confident enough to explore. Having said that, i have always let him know i'm attracted to women, so it's not the massive shock it would've been. He's very keen on hearing about it too

NotFor, I'm not surprised that wiq made it clear purely because it would just be too good to be true that a woman with a partner weho also happens to be your number one choice would respond and go for it - I'm sure actually that it's her partner who is the problem (as she avoided the situations where you could meet/talk with him in social context) and she may well feel attracted but just puts her P first and maybe even discussed it (most men would still not be happy with this). But it's just so great that you immediately have another option which seems ALOT more realistic, as i say my only worry is that she(they) are after a threesome, but it's definitely worth it to find out. You behave just like my wiq! I look at her and than she looks for a while anbd always looks down/away, while i still continue. It has built up a bit now to longer looks from her. So CW is definitely the way to go now! great that you find yo uattractive, could have ben anyone non-cute showinbg you attention
Haha if my wiq happened to read these threads she'd have NO doubt it's about her, so much info. In a way occasionally I think it'd be a good thing, she'll know for sure then! though I wouldn't really want her to see all my agonising etc. But it's not embarrassing to admit here you fancied her, and I agree that you didn't put enough info - nothing like outmy and me, all you said is htat you work together and she's hippy-ish - it reallly can be anyone! I mentioned the city and a lot of her circumstances, family etc, but say if any of her friends read it they couldn't know for sure it's her - she of course would know herself. I'm sure no one gossips, and wiq wasn't nasty or anything, outmy you are dramatising it - it was too little info for anyone to know. Andanyway hardly sime sensation of the century that someone is bi. Indeed, be proud and confident. I'm starting to learn that mentality (not in public, but in my owm mind for a start).

Thanks, maybe i am reading too much into things... it's just the people who mentioned MN were men! and i was a bit drunk so I can't remember the exact context, I just remember it being mentioned and wondering why, but unable to articulate.

Basically, she left very early and without saying goodbye to me personally, and beforehand made a point of not speaking to me at all (we were both in conversations with other people) or even making eye contact, although I looked over at her many times. It's not just last night, she's been quite withdrawn towards me for a while now.

I said some things a few days back, which although they didn't spell out exactly what I felt, made it very clear that my feelings for her were stronger than normal. Since then, after she initially made some jokes about what I'd said, she's been very distant. Someone we work with made a strong reference to one of the things I had brought up with her in my disclosure, (also one of the people who brought up MN in conversation.) There's no way he could have known about my feelings on that particular subject unless she'd told him. Sorry if that sounds dry! Being a bit more careful with the details now. Other people who are perhaps a bit closer to her than I am are also giving me weird looks - although admittedly that might just be because they don't like me much anyway!

Likea - yeah i'm really hoping it's not a threesome they're after as I'm not attracted to her H in the slightest! You're right though i'm bloody lucky to be getting this much attention and vibes from CW - she's so fit and you wouldn't believe how stunning she looks in her swimsuit! Every time i see her it's a bit like one of those crushes I had when I was in secondary school - I sort of 'know' you're going to bump into her, at least once each weekday, and when I do it's all heart-fluttery...

know I'm going to bump into her, I mean!

and yes, regarding WIQ she probably is putting him first, for a few reasons which i can guess, besides the obvious. Ah well, good luck to them. They seem to have a good relationship, from what i've pieced together. Even if she is Bi, there's no reason she can't be thoroughly committed to him for the rest of her life, if that's how it pans out.

yeah, i wouldn't be surprised if she had made it public knowledge. glad i didn't go any further in my admission than i already did, in that case, and tried to maintain what i was saying within a thin veneer of professionalism! Oh god, my work's really suffering because of all this. I need to get my brain back in gear.

They don't 'know' i'm on mumsnet, afaik, but there's something about me which sets off peoples MNdar, I suppose! I must be quite stereotypical. Makes you realise what a huge part of the national consciousness this website has become! it's like 'red under the bed' syndrome.

that's what I think - thatshe told people, nothing to do with MN. It really is very little info that you ve put on here, and plus you talk about CW too - she wouldn't know about her, would she? so it adds confusion to anyone who might think it's about your wiq. But she could ve told, especially after your confession. And yes I do think she's bi but commited to P as it's something he wouldn't accept (or they agreed at the start of r-ship that it's not on). Also addede complication of working together - too many things were against your involvement! but as we all say, focus on CW as she seems quite determined and patient !

outmy well you may right about gossip after all if she did tell people at work. But it's not a big deal - it makes NotFor more interesting if anything, she hasn't DONE anything even. Maybe the gossip is more 'exciting' than negative.

remember they are all quite tolerant, and lefty/hippy as i understand, so it's not like hostile attitudes when yo uwere a child (or anywhere too middle class).

Yes, it does seem like very common WIQ behaviour, doesn't it?

In terms of how big an admission it was, yes you could define it as a very big hint. Subtlety is never lost on her, so I may as well have just strapped myself to the nearest mattress and said 'take me now!' for all the difference it made. She actually asked me if I wanted to join her fan club... she's a funny lady

Yes, i'm definitely going to keep my distance from now on. The whole left-wing hippyish vibe can still allow room for some less pleasant gossiping, I'm beginning to discover. Although i quite like the idea that it'd make me more interesting

Yes CW seems lovely, and she definitely has a very chilled, patient vibe about her. So pretty too. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better, whether that's in the biblical sense or not