Turning Tavern IV - Down Bi the riverside, near the well of loneliness...

[NotForProfit]

Hi all,

thought i'd be proactive and start a new thread for the wenches of the turning tavern as the old thread's pretty much full...

for anyone new to this, it's a thread for women suddenly finding themselves attracted to another woman, so grab a glass of something intoxicating, pull up a chair by the fireside and we'll try to help one another deal with the elation, confusion and heartache of rediscovering your sexuality.

sorry everyone for massive post to outmy! don't expect anyone else to read this amount of detail

Likea - wow, sounds like the ante is really upping in your situation! i once had a similar thing with an old uni flatmate (male) and looking back I wish I'd just snogged him when we were both drunk and doing that knocking fingers together thing in the kitchen. oh well... i'm into girls now anyway...

i've been doing some 'exploring', virtually anyway, just to see what the Bi dating world has to offer me... i did a local search and was a bit as there was a blurry photo of someone who looked suspiciously like WIQ. Almost definitely not, of course, but it has been a bit of an eye-opener in terms of what Bi/Gay women look like (absolutely anything from incredibly girly to tomboy, of course I knew that already!)

and how, er keen they are to meet someone similar. Wouldn't want to go down that (online) route, but nice to know that it might be quite pleasant after all!

NotFor, well you have options especially the CW (unless as i say tey aer after a threesome with H), but why not online iftese don't work out, tey aer just normal women alaso a bit lost as to where to meet someone.

if there was no one else in the flat, I'd have said something when she was drunk a bit - I wasn't but I felt very buzzy anyway. Threr is always bloody someone around (in the eves when she drinks), I'm left with sober day time opportunities. Or a note.

Notfor - do you think it's best to say something, or just be lightly tactile (take her hand etc) if I were brave - what would you prefer from one of your women ? or a short letter?

Likea - Ooh, I think a little playful stroke of the back of the hand over drinks to get things going. Then some playful eye-contact and some compliments about how beautiful I am...

oh, and while you're at it, (here's the science bit) have a casual look at the hand you're about to stroke. If her ring finger is longer than her index finger (which mine really is!) she's almost certainly bi-leaning, at least. Something to do with testosterone levels when we were in the womb.

Outmy - oh no, I wouldn't do that. Unless I'd had a few and I was feeling really really really brave. But in your situation, I think you should! And by 'stroke' it only really has to be the merest hint of an 'accidental' touch, then try to gage her response before doing more. Or see if she reciprocates later in the conversation.

Here's a tip for you all (I won't say where I picked it up): If you think about it, from the moment we were born, we've basically been taught to expect the world to be heterosexual. How about we try switching on our Gaydars by flipping that around? What if we started 'expecting' women to be gay/bi until proven otherwise? Perhaps that's one way of overcoming the psychological barrier; not by throwing ourselves at every woman we see, of course, but in terms of confidence and eye contact, what if we started to train ourselves to expect women to find us sexually attractive? I'm going to try it on the school run in 15 mins! Will report back later who knows, eh?

Also, think about how many men you've met over the years, who simply assume that they're attractive to any woman who looks their way! Not saying we should all start being arrogant about it; we can do this on our own terms!

Sorry, what's up with me today? meant to say in LIKEA's case.

doh

That's really not on, the way she's treating you. People dont choose who to fall for! Perhaps she's quite naturally conservative and maybe slightly homophobic? Even when I was 'straight' i wouldn't have reacted the way she has. I would've been flattered at worst.

I am quite excited about it; particularly the possibilities as I grow more confident with it. DH and I usually take the kids to Pride each year, as it's quite family friendly, and this year I'll have an extra reason to do so - i.e I'm not in denial to myself or dh any more. I really don't fancy online dating though - i'm sure most people are lovely, but I really like the feeling of getting to know people gradually. Casual sex was never much fun with men and I doubt it'd be any better with random women.

in terms of the 'can of worms' question:
Yes it is possible that this side of myself was more repressed than i'm even aware of now. Perhaps subconsciously, (and over the past month or so, consciously) i've thought of myself as 60/40 in favour of women (taking my sexual preferences as a whole, over my lifetime) and it's funny, that this morning I thought 'ok, let's put this theory to the test' and I started totting up all the crushes I'd ever had. And that's exactly how it worked out '60/40' how weird! I'm sure a lot of people would probably say that means i'm gay as the 40% for men is obviously me doing what I thought society expected me to do. That's not the way it feels to me, though.

outmy- the gaybashing thing hadn't even occurred to me tbh! so naive, arent' I?

i mean there was a lot of homophobia round where I lived, growing up. But there was also always the big city on the horizon, and the endless possibilities it seemed to offer. Which helped, I think. (grew up the suburbs emoticon!)

I don't think you misread her.I think she's repressed. Classic case. Repression is a very powerful thing for lots of people - I should know! Dealing with society's expectations of you and the conflict you feel with that is bloody hard. I'm still struggling with it when i think about reactions from my extended family and newer friends. and repercussions for my kids. How long did it take her to work out that the anonymous note was from you? sorry i'm sure you've put this in a previous post.

i see! gosh you're a brave woman! and she sounds quite unkind being so angry about something which is essentially a good thing. being so insulted that someone mightve thought she was gay only reinforces my suspicions about her being repressed. I think you could do better; you sound very well adjusted and like you're grown-up enough to accept yourself for who you are. Which is a big step i'm learning to take myself.

Thinking about my WIQ, it's starting to make perfect sense to me that she was the one to finally confirm my sexuality (being the first woman i've ever been able to imagine having a proper relationship with). She's like an amalgam of lots of people i've loved (some of whom i've lost) and not just in a sexual way, but people i've loved platonically too. and then again, she's also like an idealised version of the person i wanted to be when i was 17.