Turning Tavern IV - Down Bi the riverside, near the well of loneliness...

[NotForProfit]

Hi all,

thought i'd be proactive and start a new thread for the wenches of the turning tavern as the old thread's pretty much full...

for anyone new to this, it's a thread for women suddenly finding themselves attracted to another woman, so grab a glass of something intoxicating, pull up a chair by the fireside and we'll try to help one another deal with the elation, confusion and heartache of rediscovering your sexuality.

Dear all,

I have some news. Over the course of the past two weeks in Hong Kong, WIQ's health got worse and worse. She developed a brain haemorrhage as a result of anti-clotting drugs they gave her to stop the bleeding in her lungs, and she was operated on two days ago to remove it. She is sedated, and the doctors are waiting for the swelling to go down, but they are giving her only a very small chance of survival. Even if she pulls through, she will be neurologically dead.

I can't believe what a coward I was. I waited eight months to tell her how I felt - eight months that we could have had as a proper couple. As it happened, we had three weeks, most of which was spent in hospitals. If only I had told her sooner. She felt exactly the same. If anyone here is deliberating over whether to tell their WIQs (or anyone) how they feel, please just do it. I thought I had all the time in the world, but now I've lost her. She was my best friend as well as my lady, and I can't believe that she is gone.

Dear all,

I have some news. Over the course of the past two weeks in Hong Kong, WIQ's health got worse and worse. She developed a brain haemorrhage as a result of anti-clotting drugs they gave her to stop the bleeding in her lungs, and she was operated on two days ago to remove it. She is sedated, and the doctors are waiting for the swelling to go down, but they are giving her only a very small chance of survival. Even if she pulls through, she will be neurologically dead.

I can't believe what a coward I was. I waited eight months to tell her how I felt - eight months that we could have had as a proper couple. As it happened, we had three weeks, most of which was spent in hospitals. If only I had told her sooner. She felt exactly the same. If anyone here is deliberating over whether to tell their WIQs (or anyone) how they feel, please just do it. I thought I had all the time in the world, but now I've lost her. She was my best friend as well as my lady, and I can't believe that she is gone.

Sorry for the double post.

Oh My God, Cao! I really didn't expect THAT to happen - what a shock ! The first horrible thing is, if she went to the doctors a few months ago she may have been fine! I can't believe she was rekying on alternative doctors. Did she have bronchitis for months, or had other sypmtoms before this?
Cao, you say she feels the same - do you mean she told you before the op? what happens is she is neurologically dead, will someone care for her and she will stay in hospital forever?
I appreciate what you saying about not wasting precious time with wiqs, of course not all of them would be responsive, yours encouraged the friendship so much (I would tell mine in a beat if she started spending so much time with me!), but you were also so unlucky she went away for two months just know. Honestly I have no words,I hope someone is there to support you emotionally!

I meant, if she didn't go away just before now, you'd have said more by now and probably be a couple, you really did have a very short time since she got close as a friend - the last thing you should do is feel guilty, at least she was surrounded by love (possibly more than ever) in the end .

Elizabeth - hi, how is it going with you? yes, I'm sure I give mixed messages too, wthout realising it (and sometimes just tired/preoccupied), and she more so, so are you saying I must tell her, not wait for clearer vibes?

Cao - so sorry to hear your update. Take care

NotFor - you sound as if you're not fussed anymore...your post is decidedly cool! I'll shall be interested to read how you're feeling about your WIQ once you've digested today.

Dunno Likea. The vibes will not get clearer I don't think.

I don't really "do" uncertainty. That's just me. If I find someone attractive I approach them, I'd rather be rejected than not know. If I'm rejected well what I have lost, there was nothing there anyway. It happens, forget it move on.

In your position I would do either of two things. I would disappear / avoid her drop contact for a month and see how long she takes to notice you're not there. If she even does. Then you will know.

Or I would bring it up with her .... this is the hard way because you lay yourself bare. But you say what' s in your head starting with why it's hard to say what's in your head. If she says Yes, I feel the same way - perfect. Any other answer is a No however dressed up. Maybe = No. Not right now = No. I'm not sure = No. But this is another way for you to know.

...Assuming you want to know. Maybe you don't, maybe you know you like the fantasy but you might not like the reality. In which case stick with the fantasy.

Whatever you do you are not doing anyone any harm. I bet you she has been here before and will not be shocked / insulted...maybe not even surprised.

So I guess I am saying I see 3 ways ahead. Do nothing and enjoy what you have if it is enough. Or move things along by dropping out of her life and see if you leave a ripple. Or move things along by approaching her.

FWIW I wonder you do not consider finding a less perplexing woman. One who is out for example? Can one be bisexual in relation to only one person? Genuinely curious as to how it works / feels.

thanks Elizabeth, the thing is I didn't do uncertainty with men, I just never had any patience and even if I took a short while to gather courage, I would always ask directly if nothing was forthcoming from them. I was also fine with a couple of rejections when i initiated as it was to do with them not being single, which i didn't know as they were not people i knew socially, so i didn't take it personally.
I know she wouldn't be shocked - I'm seriously preparing to tell her now. She may be slightly shocked/surprised that it's me in particular, not about the whole concept of a woman approaching her. You know, I'd be a bit shocked and not knowing what to say if a girl I knew for a while and thought we were just friendly suddenly told me. I really wouldn't enjoy that, as I would have to reject her and would feel awkward if afterwards we had to continue contact - I mean it depends whether she could shake it off but ther would be an adjustment period where I wouldn't know whether to just ignore what she said and behave as normal, or to be especially kind - or cool - whatever. I'ts just awkward. I will spell it out to her that if it is a No, then let's forget i said anything so that she doesn't fear i will resent her/be wounded etc. I just don't want to lose contact after this altogether, that's the point.
I do like you approach with yes versus no, it's true that people aer often diplomatic but a yes is usually clear. Though sometimes a Yes can be tentative. Still it helps to read someone's healthy take on it.
I don't want to stick with the fantasy, as i want to have a patrner, and prefer the reality! thought of disappearing but find it very hard not to see her for so long, and recently there wre reasons also for me to be in the city. I think i will just tell her - don't fancy the agonising wait (will she/won't she contact me) for a month or more. We always set plans for next meeting, so i would have to cancel existing ones if i were to disappear. I think i will see what her response to my b-day card is, if encouraging i will tell her something on the day, though it will be by text (not full-on but clear, and if that goes ok that tell more in person next time/on phone).

as to your last question - it's different for everyone, for some it's just one woman (usually if they were always hetero before), for htose who knew they were bi from youth then it's not restricted. Also finding a bi woman is hard as they aer not obvious, where on earth do you meet then unless yo go to clubs (don't fancy that). To me it's very muchabout the person, I can't fancy a woman i don;t know to the extent that i have to act on it/want to approach her.

I haven't ruled out a man either - again if as a person he is right for me (no one like that on the scene now, and one i could consider a while ago is married and I lost sexual interest in him).

Happytit - I'm feeling a bit odd, now you mention it. For the past two or three months i've spent so much time wondering how she feels about me. Now i'm not entirely sure how I feel about her, let alone anything else. When I left yesterday, I almost felt disappointed that I hadn't felt more/felt like doing or saying more whilst in her presence. Yesterday evening I wondered if it meant my crush was coming to an end. Now I feel differently again; I miss her, and keep wondering if the lull in my feelings was almost like a brief pause before they start ramping up again. Almost like a self-defence mechanism kicking to stop myself falling head over heels yesterday? calm before the storm, that kind of thing? Does that make sense? I felt almost numb yesterday, like perhaps I was afraid to feel too much.

Cao, that's absolutely awful. I'm so sorry. If my feelings had been clearer yesterday I might well have told my WIQ. Hope you have people around who can support you, and love you whilst you're dealing with this xxxx

Well it comes down to how you handle "the Conversation". Perhaps you say what you have said here? You don't know how to have this conversation because you've not had it before, but you like her and you have progressed from there to wanting more, to your own surprise; you are new at this, you don't want to embarrass anyone and if she'd rather this hadn't come up then you promise it never will again.

and allow room for her to avoid you if that's what she wants...?

oh and I am fine BTW, since you asked earlier...things are coming out from my man that resolves / explains much of what I was wondering about him. also raises more questions...absorbing.

NotFor - it happens to me with my wiq occasionally, I wonder about my feelings/feel empty, but especially it's linked to her not being nice - it then comes back though inevitably. The wobbles not as strong as the feelings when they kick in again. I think it's very nuch a defense mechanism, with your wiq mainly due to her insincerity (did you see my comment to you yesterday?), with me because sometimes she is cild and it's hurtful and makes me feel like a deluded fool.

Elizabeth, that's exactly how I'm planning it - best to say what i think and feel, nothing artificial.
Hope that the things htat come out are not scary but I'm sure not as you are very 'on the ball' to get involved with anyone 'wrong'.

of course the issue is I don't want her to avoid me long term, though fine if for a short while, this would be more upsetting than a sexual rejection.

outmy - you mean a woman partner - why do you think this? I have hte same agonies - about the man, about her female friend who she goes away with at times (married woman) about some girl who she praised - it he route to a nightmare! DO NOT LOOK at facebook! what is the point - even if she had a male partner you'd still wonder if she was attarcted to you, and if it's female, then where does it leave you - nowhere, purely just a satisfaction of knowing that you could read her vibes correcxtly in the past (which I agree may make you feel better as in at least you were not irrational!). The pint is facebook is evil as you can't know for sure whether it's just a friend and can't ask.
I'm the same - very rare that someone gets to me so much, no way i could stop thinking of mine completely for a very long time, of we stopped contact. I think my situation is more balanced though. I will try to keep the contact even if she reacts badly to metelling her, but I also think she mnay get over it and stay in contact on her own accord. There is no weirdness likew from your wiq towards you.
what do you think re my compliment in birthday card? if she ignores it, should i read as discouragement, i.e. she doesn't want to hear more?

*it's the route