Turning Tavern IV - Down Bi the riverside, near the well of loneliness...

[NotForProfit]

Hi all,

thought i'd be proactive and start a new thread for the wenches of the turning tavern as the old thread's pretty much full...

for anyone new to this, it's a thread for women suddenly finding themselves attracted to another woman, so grab a glass of something intoxicating, pull up a chair by the fireside and we'll try to help one another deal with the elation, confusion and heartache of rediscovering your sexuality.

Thanks for the advice and comment, ladies. As for the age thing, I am 31 and my WIQ is 53. She is older than my biological mother, which doesn't bother me, but sometimes causes me to pause and take stock.

I'm still at her apartment, and we're in exactly the same situation as we were last night. She's taking a nap in bed, feeling ill, and I'm mainlining vodka waiting for her to wake up. I have been acting like a total passive child in all of this. I have such a problem asserting myself and being truthful about my feelings. She wants me to give her a massage later, so I'm going to be honest with her, even though she's sick and not particularly responsive. I've realised that I've been thinking about her 100% in this, and not of me. I need to change that.

that s great Cao! exactly what i was trying to say/advise. she'll respect you if you show some backbone and that you care for yourself! i could do with more of fthat with my wiq - already trying and resuslts are quite good re her general view of me. also 20yrs age gap but older.

LikeA - I'm not sure if this is just me, or whether you feel the same, but the age gap has NEVER been a problem for me. When I tell people that there's 53-year-old woman I'm interested in, they look at me as if I'm crazy. It's honestly never been an issue for me.

On a side note, I'm wearing her hair band on my wrist - the one that she wore today, that I borrowed yesterday. I've just noticed that strands of our hair are all tangled up in it - black from her, and dark red from me.

OutMy - it probably seems unbelievable now, but there will come a time when you will see her and it won't have the same effect on you. Things are still raw now - time is a healer, although it's a cliche.

Thank you. I'm not sure if I'll even get to do it tonight. She's sleeping now, and it's nearly 11pm here, so I might wait until she wakes up and then take my leave.

I'm not sure that I even know how to take my own feelings into consideration. I have this empty centre that I've always filled with other people and their needs. I really need to sort that out.

I have considered counselling, but in the city I live in, it's prohibitively expensive. I know exactly what my issues are - I just find it very difficult to face them.

Thanks for your posts - much appreciated.

Right now I feel like the Emperor Ai in Chinese history, who cut off the sleeve of his jacket instead of disturbing his male lover who was sleeping on it. In Mandarin, "cut sleeve" is a euphemism for homosexuality!

Among expats, the gay scene is huge, and being gay really isn't a problem. WIQ and I have lots of gay friends.

Among local Chinese people, the only issue is a social one - most people only have one child, and they rely on him/her to provide grandchildren to continue the family line. Things are much freer in this city than in the rest of China, as many gay people from around the country gravitate here for its liberal environment.

The only thing that worries me about a possible relationship with WIQ is the fact that she is the doyenne of expat society here. EVERYONE knows her, or knows her name. She projects a very glamorous, wealthy image (she is both of those things, but there's so much more to her than that). Her late husband was a rich Hong Kong banker, and she is constantly surrounded by wealthy, charismatic men. I just don't know if she would settle for a relationship with a woman. I move in the same circles as her (that's how we met), and I'm a writer, which I guess fits the bohemian/glamorous criteria that she yearns for, but it boils down to the fact that I'm a woman, not a man.

She's spoken so often about wanting to find "someone"; she never has, in the twenty years since her husband died. I just hope that she would consider me. I guess there's only one way to find out!

Cao - if see yourself as an equal to WIQ and don't focus too much on her social-standing that should alleviate your nerves. We are all the same regardless of wealth and status etc. Sounds like she is ripe for a r-ship and if she is broad-minded (sounds like she is) might not be deterred by a r-ship with a woman.
Outmy - hope you're ok. Difficult to bump into WIQ so soon after your disappointment. Did she smile or even clock you or studiously ignore?

Outmy - nonchalance is always a good one.

Evening ladies....
Outmy poor you, it does sound really torturous this buisness with your WIQ. It sounds to me as if she is really one of those rare women who is not at ALL in touch with her feelings and quite possibly she is a repressed gay/bi and so the way forward with it is to send her compassion and bless her on her journey towards discovery. It is really negative for you to hold onto any anger towards her as we are only ever responsible for ourselves and accountable for our own actions. She has been a catalyst for you, so you will one day thank her for this..but for now, look after yourself and try and put it behind you and work on yourself. Keep strong and smiling, you never know whats round the corner....
Cao This situation does see to be heating up in the Orient....it sounds like a film a la Wong Ka Wai!!! I also agree with Loveis that she may well be testing your reaction to the mention of a man in her life, as she has already stated that she isn't interested in any MAN in the city (and its not a small city). Keep your cool and maybe it's time to get some kind of conversation going....that would be a good opener...ie. "I was surprised at how much the comment about the married man upset/threw me, I think my feelings for you are getting stronger blah blah blah"...or something like that.
ok..checking out for now....laters.

Cao - your WIQ is only 5 years older than me, my WIQ is a similar age to you. Age isn't issue here either. I really believe you have got to make your feelings clear. To me, your attentiveness should be met be honesty on her part. If she knows you are gay, are you sure she's not playing you along....

So much has moved on here......I've seen WIQ most days. Sometimes just briefly with the DCs all around us. Sometimes on our own. Lots of kissing and fondling and pressing of bodies. So hot. So intense.

When my WIQ took the plunge and decided to kiss me goodnight, I was thrilled and worried for my very happy marriage. Consequently, I started with so much honesty with my DH and now at last, I've managed to find the words to gain his permission for my affair with WIQ to go further. He is accepting of it and although he has not said, yes go ahead, he has not said no. I have made it very clear that he is the ONLY man I want in my life. That I did not ask for this situation. That I'm as surprised as him. That he needs to let me do this to be myself.

I feel so liberated. So happy. Your posts on here have helped me find the right words. Thank you. Thank you.

I also showed DH this link to Brene Brown talking about the power of vulnerability and how it hepls with connexion.

Powerful stuff indeed.

hi Emma....what a story that's unfolding for you! You are certainly following your joy, it's great that you can be so honest and open about it with your DH. It's interesting that you say you were both thrilled and worried for your marriage....when talking about a kiss from your WIQ. It makes me realize how precious life is, and how unpredictable...and how the universe has plans for us all, throws up situations for us that we can either embrace and take the consequences, or decline and forever wonder "what if...". It sounds like you are in the flow and you don't really know where it will take you. Follow your joy, follow your heart...then you can't go wrong really, life is just a series of lessons - we're here to learn and grow and develop our souls.....it's one great big fat adventure! Enjoy, embrace and learn. It's very quiet in here tonight, where is everyone?

outmy, OMG indeed! can't believe this, I remener saying to you that i wd be good for you to bump into wiq outside of school as you live in a smallish town, and how you said oh no it's not likely, never happened - and it happens after you decided to end it!! whatever the irony of fate is that supposed to be! very good that you got a 'warning' and weren't shocked, yes let her see that you can take it or leave it. I don't think it's anger btwas a poster said above, it's just looking at the facts with open eyes.
Emma God so exciting to get close, lucky woman! dh accepting also..well you are in for a hot fling if not more.

Cao age gap doesn't bother me as far as being attracted and emotional about her, but it does bother me for the issues that she may have with it - socially and also from her confidence point of view physically speaking (she is oldeer than your wiq), but socially especially as she would prefer her partner to fit in with her many friends as she is active socially and some might look at this with a raised eyebrow,plus she might prefer to share her life with a person of same generation. I'm pretty sure that it is an issue for her. Your wiq is much more free and bohemian and lots of gay friends which is dfferent from mine, so i don't think age would stop her as such but who knows, maybe once you speak up she will see you more as an equal? younger age can make people feel a bit patronising unless the younger person is quite mature.