Last night

[shitwhathappened]

I've name changed obviously.

I'm not 100% sure why I am posting this really. Last night I went out for drinks with some friends, under pressure from a particular friend drunk a lot - enough to be totally legless. I hadn't drunk in quite a while, and I realise I could have said no, but I guess I just didn't realise my limits.

This friend then took me home as I did really need escorting to be fair, then started touching me while I was lying down after getting in. I think we had sex, but I can't really remember.

We are both in relationships. I really didn't expect this. This person had been a friend for over 6 years.

I'm not sure whether to tell my dp, right now I think telling him really wouldn't achieve anything except upsetting him.

So right now I am hungover, feeling like shit, but can't get back to sleep as I just don't know what to do.

Sorry I have not been on the thread for a bit, dp is here now, but I will be back soon to reply properly.

Thank you for all the support.

Please point out the rape apologists?

Who here has gone 'what you complaining about nothing wrong there??'

Sorry OP I can't stand people branding around words they have no concept of.

Something similar happened to me almost 5 years ago. I never called it rape and have never, ever told anyone about it. This is the first time I have admitted it happened. I felt such huge guilt as in the sketchy memories I have I know my body reacted. I won't tell you what you should do OP. But keeping it inside took me to a dark place which blighted several years of my life. If I could go back and advise myself I would say it wasn't anything I did. And tell myself to get counselling.

When I spoke to him he told me that it was 'highly probable' that we had had sex. Is that enough for those who are doubting anything has happened?

This isn't about trying him, and I have not/will not name him and have been conscious to not give any identifiable details in my OP. The only person who would be likely to recognise it is him, and I doubt he goes on MN.

I've spoken to my friend again and she is supportive. I am still deciding on whether to phone rape crisis.

What reason would you not want to take this further out of interest? If your house was burgled you would not hesitate to ring the police, why not the same with your body?

It really is up to to you shitwhathappened - but know that whatever you decide we all support you and "we believe you". Be kind to yourself xx

SnoogyWoo: I think because the OP is aware that going public will lead to some people blaming her and refusing to believe her - look at what happened to the poor girl raped by that shitbag footballer.
OP: we believe you. None of it was your fault. He's scum, and he did it on purpose.

MariaCallous: Sympathy to you too. The same goes: it wasn't your fault in any way, this man would have planned what he did to you and done it consciously and deliberately.

Sorry, I only saw this now.

You could have gone to the gp or a&e and ask them to do a swab.
(not sure rape kits are used at gps and hospitals)
But a swab would be able to detect sperm if he did rape you.

Although his behaviour was abusive anyway.

And, no, drinking too much does not justify his behaviour!

Check this for more info:
www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexualhealth/Pages/Sexualassault.aspx

Even not worrying about contraception, you should worry about STDs.

Plus, even if you showered (unless you did it internally), you would still have internal evidence.

You're being very brave, just posting about it.

You could ring rape crisis, you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to.

Best wishes xx

Thanks SGB, I know it wasn't my fault (now). And the reason I didn't tell anyone was because I felt I had so much to lose, my husband, my privacy, my (for want of a better phrase) respectability. And I just wanted it never to have happened so I pretended it didn't. And I don't think that makes me a bad person, it's so easy to be rational and perhaps appear judgemental when it's not your life that seems like its about to fall apart. I just saw what I would lose and that he would walk away unscathed and felt it was a double violation.

But shitwhat, don't keep it in. Really, we believe you, it happened and it's godawful and he is an utter shite. I wish I'd had mn to let it out. So keep posting if that's all you can face.

MYTH: Women who get drunk or take drugs shouldn't be surprised if they are raped or sexually assaulted.

REALITY: Being vulnerable does not imply consent. If a woman is drunk, drugged or unconscious, she is not able to consent to sex.

If a woman has consumed alcohol (fewer than four in 10 cases), it is the man's responsibility to ensure that the victim has given, or is capable of giving, consent. If he does not do so, he is committing rape.

Similarly, a woman is not to blame if she drinks alcohol and is raped. Women have the same right to consume alcohol as men.

(From the [http://www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/we-believe-you-campaign-rape-myths-busted We Believe You] campaign.

ShitWhatHappened, I hope your female friend and/or DP is able to support you through this. You have done NOTHING wrong at all, and mustn't feel ashamed or guilty. This "friend" assaulted you in your own home, and if PIV occurred then he did rape you. You didn't ask for it, you didn't deserve it, and you didn't consent to it.

maria, I totally understand. its a horrible realisation though

how are you today shitwhat?

Did the guy admit to knowing you were drunk? Sadly it makes all the difference in a court of law

Some very wise advice on here, I haven't got anything I can add but wanted to say I'm sorry this happened to you op!

leavehim, have reported as well. please read the link and refrain from posting on this thread. its purpose is to support a woman who has been sexually assaulted, not interrogate her or defend a rapist.

Has he admitted anything else OP.?

unless I've read it wrong, he went from,

'don't know' to 'highly probable' it seems similar to affair threads where the truth comes out very slowly.

have you contacted him since??.

Sorry I couldn't reply sooner as been with dp all day. I haven't told him and don't think I will. Thank you again for all the support, it really does mean a lot to me.

Pilchard today has actually been pretty good, tried to stay busy and not think about it.

Mirry he definately knew I was drunk. I couldn't even stand on public transport on the way home, so much so that people were concerned about me. He claims that he was just as drunk but he was walking fine etc.

Lastnerve no I haven't spoken to him again, really don't want to. From what he has told me so far I think it is pretty clear that yes we had sex. I don't mean to drip feed, I just wasn't thinking too clearly when posting previous replies, but he also admitted to not using a condom. He did reassure me that he had a very recent STD screen, but I'm not sure if I can trust that.

Jesus. I want to kick his fucking ass.

He's a shit. He did this to you on purpose whatever he did. He pressured you to drink lots - as you said in your OP, he was the one encouraging you and pushing you to drink more than you intended to. He appointed himself the one who was going to take you home. When you got home, and lay down, he started touching you in a way you hadn't invited and didn't want. You threw him out. Now he's going wah, blah, don't remember, meh, how dare you.

He assaulted you and he planned it, and he did it deliberately. I have got rotten stupid drunk loads of times. I have sometimes blundered home on my own, sometimes been helped by friends. Sometimes I have been bundled into bed by male friends, sometimes I have got into their beds and passed out. And none of them have raped me because THEY ARE NOT RAPISTS. They are decent normal men who want a willing, active, participating sexual partner, not a comatose dribbling drunk woman.

The bottom line is that you were unlucky in that a rapist decided to rape you.

OP you sure as hell cannot trust that he has had a recent STD screen.

One of the problems with anything like this is our (quite natural) desire to keep what happened a secret.

You have done nothing wrong. You should tell your partner. You should tell the police, even if it doesn't result in a charge.

Are you worried that your partner will think you led him on? Isn't he more likely to believe your female friend than this man?

You will recover from this much faster if you talk about it and say what happened. You will struggle for much longer if you try to ignore the fact it happened.

And this guy is relying on you not telling anyone, particularly your partner. You are playing right into his hands if you don't - he will think you and he have a little secret that you are too ashamed to share.