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Original poster

Last night

165 replies

shitwhathappened · 06/07/2012 08:14

I've name changed obviously.

I'm not 100% sure why I am posting this really. Last night I went out for drinks with some friends, under pressure from a particular friend drunk a lot - enough to be totally legless. I hadn't drunk in quite a while, and I realise I could have said no, but I guess I just didn't realise my limits.

This friend then took me home as I did really need escorting to be fair, then started touching me while I was lying down after getting in. I think we had sex, but I can't really remember.

We are both in relationships. I really didn't expect this. This person had been a friend for over 6 years.

I'm not sure whether to tell my dp, right now I think telling him really wouldn't achieve anything except upsetting him.

So right now I am hungover, feeling like shit, but can't get back to sleep as I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
shitwhathappened · 06/07/2012 12:41

I spoke to my friend. She was there and came back with me too, but left at the front door. She agreed with me that he didn't seem very drunk at all. She is at work so could only talk briefly but will call me on her lunch break.

mini thank you for the advice, but I don't think I will be going to the police. I totally understand what people are saying about him doing this, but I am just not able to. I felt sick just looking at the rape crisis website.

OP posts:
minouminou · 06/07/2012 12:45

OK, but I feel a bit worried about YOU. Your nausea at the Rape Crisis website makes me think you're feeling v traumatised and so when you're a bit more together, please talk to a professional.

In time you may want to consider just making a statement to the police without pressing charges etc etc. If, in the future, another woman decides to press charges, your statement may come in handy. Of course it's up to you, and you shouldn't feel pressured in any way, so I hope I'm not making you feel like that.

mirry2 · 06/07/2012 12:56

Speak to rape crisis and really think seriously about going to the pokice and making a statement. They are trained now to take you seriously. Minouminou is right - your statement may help someone else even if you don't want to press charges.

Dahlen · 06/07/2012 13:13

Please go to your local sexual assault centre (usually attached to your hospital). You can go there as a walk-in patient without an appointment in many cases. They will keep it confidential and not tell the police if you don't want them to. However, they will check you over and take samples. This is important not just in case you change your mind about informing the police but also to check your sexual health. Also, if you suffer any psychological fall out from this and need some time off work etc., having all this on record will greatly help.

I'm so, so sorry for what you've experienced. Sad

Dahlen · 06/07/2012 13:14

If you're not sure where your local centre is, Rape Crisis can tell you.

Taghain · 06/07/2012 13:19

Let's take a step back.
You were legless and can't remember what happened, but absolutely sure that he was sober enough to remember everything? Even when he says he can't remember either?
The assumption is that you were raped, but you may not have been. Where was your partner at the time? Did the guy stay the night or leave?

Original poster
shitwhathappened · 06/07/2012 13:22

taghain I'm pretty sure he does remember as I didn't think he was very drunk, and my friend confirms that he wasnt either. I wish he was just honest about what had happened.

He left, I asked him to.

I do wonder if this does count as rape, as while I can't remember what happened, maybe I was up for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
shitwhathappened · 06/07/2012 13:25

What people said earlier was very true - he is very charming, and while not my type, I'm sure some people would say good looking.

Earlier on in the evening he had told me he wasn't happy with his girlfriend and said some other things which now make me wonder if he had planned this.

OP posts:
CatPower · 06/07/2012 13:25

It wasn't a drunken fumble, he was sober enough to get you home and sober enough to sexually assault you (at the very least Angry) whilst you were on the verge of sleeping/passing out.

You owe him nothing. What a colossal bastard.

CatPower · 06/07/2012 13:26

You can't be "up for it" if you're so drunk you need help getting home.

Sweetheart, you did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. This so-called friend has taken advantage of you in the worst way possible and is trying to manipulate you so that you believe you're in the wrong.

Pooka · 06/07/2012 13:31

Let's face it, if you consented, why is he pretending not to know what happened and geStting cross with you?

You were not in a position to give consent.

lastnerve · 06/07/2012 13:37

People need to calm down nothing has been confirmed yet, you perhaps need to get a test first for any physical signs.

his response seems iffy on the phone but nothing has actually been confirmed yet.

get all solid evidence first.

unfortunately "I was absolutely hammered but I'm sure he was sober" will not convince anyone of anything.

get tested first.

solidgoldbrass · 06/07/2012 13:52

What has been confirmed is that the man pressured the OP to drink more than she usually would have done, that he insisted on taking her home and that he began to touch her sexually when she was lying down.

These are all classic rapist behaviours. It's not that unreasonable to believe that he proceeded to full rape. OK, it's possible that PIV didn't occur because he couldn't get an erection, or because his preference is to assault only with his hands, but the pattern is a classic one, entirely unacceptable and in *NO WAY WHATSOEVER the Op's fault.

JustFabulous · 06/07/2012 13:56

You poor thing. You must be in shock and not know what to do.

You mustn[t feel pressured into doing anything you don't want too but I think it would be sensible to consider having checks done as it isn't just pregnancy that is a concern.

You do have options. You could talk to the police unofficially, or a teleoone helpline. You have done nothing wrong at all, but if you say nothing to your DP will he think you consented should he ever find out? It is a lot to handle on your own.

Your friend is clearly no longer a friend, he has raped you, taken advantage and shown himself to be the creep he always was.

I am sorry you have had this happen to you.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 13:57

What sgb said. Exactly.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 13:57

What sgb said. Exactly.

lastnerve · 06/07/2012 14:03

I'm not saying his behaviour wasn't creepy, but if she starts shouting rape and no PIV has actually happened she could get in a lot of trouble, and not to mention her relationship would suffer.

She would come off looking very bad, whilst he is painted out as the victim.

SnoogyWoo · 06/07/2012 14:11

The problem is that this will eat away at you now and will affect all aspects of your life. You really need to talk to a pro. You will not be able to watch idly by as he is laughing and joking with his girlfriend, it will slowly start to destroy you.

JustFabulous · 06/07/2012 14:12

He is angy at you? But you did nothing wrong.

What does he have to tell his girlfriend? I thought he said nothing happened.

He knows what he did and he is trying to bully you know after assaulting you.

He is a fucking bastard (sorry) and you did not do anything to deserve this.

JustFabulous · 06/07/2012 14:14

Why would she get into trouble? SHE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG.

Considering what HAS gone on I don't think it is wrong to assume that "PIV" did take place.

MissFaversam · 06/07/2012 14:16

The mans an out and out bastard OP.

I have a question though, if reported would her evidence stand up in court if she really couldn't remember intercourse?

lastnerve · 06/07/2012 14:20

Why would she get into trouble? SHE HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG.

unfortunately you can get into trouble if you report rape and then there's no evidence or evidence to the contrary, or so I've heard.

plus she said their are trust issues with her DP I don't want her to come off looking bad which this bloke knows probably.

why I'm suggested get all possible evidence together first.

JustFabulous · 06/07/2012 14:22

I think that is bad advice.

She thinks sex might have happened. He is acting like a twat and lying. She only needs to speak to the police and tell them what she does know has happened. Then it is up to them, and the OP of course, whether to proceed.

I suspect you have read about malicious rape claims. This is so not one of those.

OxfordBags · 06/07/2012 14:37

Sweetheart, if you were so drunk you were unable to walk or think straight and you can't remember much then you CAN'T have been up for it. If you saw a man virtually passed out on the pavement drunk, would you pull his pants down and sit on his penis and have sex? Of course not! The idea is disgusting and unthinkable and it's rape - so why is it anything other than what this so-called friend did to you?

Btw, you do need to get checked out, the mirena coil is no protection against STIs and HIV, only pregnancy. I am so sorry this has happened to you. But you mustn't brush it under that carpet. I bet this is not the first time this pig has done this and that it won't be the last. This will not go away for you if you try to ignore it; the more you try to ignore, the bigger it will grow inside you, hurting you. If your DH would blame you, then he is not fit to be with, frankly.

Miss Faversham, if she can't remember the sex, then that's surely a pretty strong clue that it was rape, isn't it? Because what normal man could even muster up a tiny bit of desire for an unconscious or nearly inconscious woman?!

MissFaversam · 06/07/2012 15:08

Yes Oxford but he hasn't actually admitted full intercourse and the OP has had a shower.

Sorry OP I'm asking these questions because this sort of thing happened to me some years ago.