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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Last night

165 replies

shitwhathappened · 06/07/2012 08:14

I've name changed obviously.

I'm not 100% sure why I am posting this really. Last night I went out for drinks with some friends, under pressure from a particular friend drunk a lot - enough to be totally legless. I hadn't drunk in quite a while, and I realise I could have said no, but I guess I just didn't realise my limits.

This friend then took me home as I did really need escorting to be fair, then started touching me while I was lying down after getting in. I think we had sex, but I can't really remember.

We are both in relationships. I really didn't expect this. This person had been a friend for over 6 years.

I'm not sure whether to tell my dp, right now I think telling him really wouldn't achieve anything except upsetting him.

So right now I am hungover, feeling like shit, but can't get back to sleep as I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
ThatBastardGandhi · 06/07/2012 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jynier · 06/07/2012 10:22

SWH - If sexual intercourse took place, you were raped!

You must find out the truth!

Please listen to the advice on here; MNetters know what they're talking about!

Best wishes

minouminou · 06/07/2012 10:22

This is going to sound gross, but could you swab the inside of your vagina with a cotton bud or similar?
If he didn't use a condom, there may be traces. Have you had a bath or a shower yet?

minouminou · 06/07/2012 10:23

Also, do you think he could have added something to your drinks?

handbagCrab · 06/07/2012 10:28

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is not your fault. You can get sloshed with your friends!

This man is not your friend, he engineered a situation where he could have sex with you without your consent. A friend would never, ever do that.

I can't tell you what you should do, please ask for help from your friends. If my friend had been through this and i could speak to her straightway I would. It is serious and let people be there for you.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 10:29

Would you go to your doctor and see the nurse? I'm so sorry and so angry that this has happened to you.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 10:29

Would you go to your doctor and see the nurse? I'm so sorry and so angry that this has happened to you.

StewieGriffinsMom · 06/07/2012 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SnoogyWoo · 06/07/2012 10:57

What he said reeks of lies I'm afraid :(

lastnerve · 06/07/2012 11:00

Hmm yeah if he didn't do it he would be like,

'What? no why ?'

Spice17 · 06/07/2012 11:27

A similar thing happened to me when I was 17 years old with a very good male 'friend'. In fact at the time he was my best friend.

I was too drunk to 'consent' but I still could not (and possibly still don't) see it as 'that word'.

I did not even remember the next day, he had to tell me over the phone, I was so upset and furious, I grabbed a knife and said if he came to my house I would kill him (he didn't)

I struggle to see at as 'that word' because we had kissed a few weeks before and that night too and I can't recall what happened, so I have no idea.

I guess what I'm trying to say OP is I understand these feelings of confusion, disgust and also possibly feeling like you've done something wrong? I certainly still feel to this day that it was my fault it happened and that I would be causing a fuss/making a false claim if I had reported anything.

I really feel for you, I'm sorry.

solidgoldbrass · 06/07/2012 11:38

This man raped you and he did it deliberately. He planned this. That's how rapists operate.
Something to consider: are there or have there been any other women in your social group who appear to dislike and avoid this man? It is certain that you are not the first woman he raped. Men like this do it repeatedly. It's not about being overcome with lust or making a 'drunken mistake'; they set up the situation (getting the woman to drink more than usual, if necessary, being the one to 'escort' her home because she's so drunk - and then raping her.)

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Original poster
shitwhathappened · 06/07/2012 11:50

SGB I understand what you are saying but I find it difficult to accept. I have known him for a long time and trusted him. We aren't really in the same social circle iyswim just friends.

mini I don't think he put anything in my drinks, I was just very drunk.

I'm really not sure what to do now. I have showered as I was pretty sure I don't want to go to the police, I just couldn't handle it. I may try to contact rape crisis later.

It does bother me how he really doesn't get it. I spoke to him again and he told me he was angry at me because he was going to have to tell his girlfriend about this.

OP posts:
ChaosTrulyReigns · 06/07/2012 11:55

What?

He was angry at you?

The utter bastard.

Angry
SnoogyWoo · 06/07/2012 12:00

He is manipulating you now. All it takes for bad things to happen is for good people to do nothing. He needs stopping, you really need to talk to rape crisis.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 06/07/2012 12:03

Yes, SnoogyWoo. Not only is he angry at you. Hetold you he's angry at you. Champion manipulation, trying to guilt you into...what? I do't know, silence, self-doubt?

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 12:07

Agree he is trying to manipulate you. How fucking dare he be "angry at you"

He raped you. He is trying to avoid responsibility and minimize his action. That's what men like him do. Very few will accept that they are rapists becaquse they don't grab you in a dark alley or hold a knife to your throat. They try to justify their actions. Truth is, there's no justification.

keepcalmandeatcupcakes · 06/07/2012 12:10

Please will you speak to someone about this. He is trying to guilt you because he knows you know the truth , aka saying he will have to tell his gf about this... It must be really hard if you know him well, but sadly it has happened. Please call your friend - just to get support, I can imagine she would be upset if she found out you went through this and didn't call her! Don't worry about the fact you have showered already - not the best thing, but things can still be done. And the sad reality is....if he's done this to you, what is stopping him doing it to someone else?

minouminou · 06/07/2012 12:15

He's "angry" at you and is whining about telling his GF because he's hoping to shame you into keeping it quiet.

Listen - sorry to labour the point, but if you've showered rather than had a bath, there may still be traces higher up (I'm so sorry to be so frank at a time like this for you). Obvs if you don't want to go down this route, then tell me to can it. I don't know what the legalities are - if you submit a sample for analysis you may be pressured to take it further.....I don't know. I'm sure there are people on here who do, though...anyone?

You have done nothing wrong.....it really sounds like he had this planned.

Angry my arse. Cockmunch. He's shitting it. Don't have any more contact.

solidgoldbrass · 06/07/2012 12:17

His subsequent behaviour shows all the more strongly that he is a habitual rapist. Please don't feel that you 'should have known'; predators like him don't go around with a sticker on their foreheads, they are often charming, friendly, good company. Up until the night they decide it's your turn to be raped. Men like him behave like this out of a sense of total entitlement; they like fucking women who are too incapacitated to resist, they don't consider themselves rapists because they are charming and (often) reasonably attractive, and 'she didn't say no, she was looking at me all night'.

And he knows he is likely to get away with it, because... it's your word against his, he is your 'friend', he's a Nice Man who wouldn't do such a thing, people saw you interact with him as a friend, people saw you get drunk.

It's NOT YOUR FAULT AND NOTHING YOU DID MADE THIS HAPPEN.

HE made it happen and did so deliberately.

JuliaScurr · 06/07/2012 12:18

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
phone Rape Crisis

JuliaScurr · 06/07/2012 12:19
Brew

always someone here for you

minouminou · 06/07/2012 12:22

And honestly - getting drunk isn't a crime. I went to a kid's birthday party a couple of months ago and lost track of the many tiny glasses of bubbles I'd had because they just kept appearing......
The result - I fell asleep on the floor next to DD's bed just after I'd tucked her in. I thought, I'll just lie here for a minute before going downstairs....DP found me an hour later! I don't drink much these days, and it was a hot day.....totally took me by surprise......

I made a JOKE of it to friends, because it's FUNNY. NOT an invitation to an assault of any kind. You have nothing to reproach yourself for.

minouminou · 06/07/2012 12:25

And I agree that he's almost certainly done this before and will again.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 12:36

I cannot stress how much I agree with sgb here. You thought you were safe. You should have been. He made the decision to do this.

I have got pass-out drunk with my (mainly) male friends, many, many times. Slept in same bed in underwear with them. One of whom had a crush onm me for years. They didn't touch me because they are good men and are not rapists. Have you speoken to someone yet?

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