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Original poster

Last night

165 replies

shitwhathappened · 06/07/2012 08:14

I've name changed obviously.

I'm not 100% sure why I am posting this really. Last night I went out for drinks with some friends, under pressure from a particular friend drunk a lot - enough to be totally legless. I hadn't drunk in quite a while, and I realise I could have said no, but I guess I just didn't realise my limits.

This friend then took me home as I did really need escorting to be fair, then started touching me while I was lying down after getting in. I think we had sex, but I can't really remember.

We are both in relationships. I really didn't expect this. This person had been a friend for over 6 years.

I'm not sure whether to tell my dp, right now I think telling him really wouldn't achieve anything except upsetting him.

So right now I am hungover, feeling like shit, but can't get back to sleep as I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 06/07/2012 15:21

Maybe the man is angry because as far as he is concerned something consensual happened between two drunken people, and now he is being labelled a rapist? I'd be fuming too. So he "seemed sober"? I've always noticed that people less-pissed than I am 'seem sober' but that doesn't make them sober.

Until the OP can find out what happened then I don't think we are in a position to brand anyone as anything.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 15:31

if you are too drunk to say yes, then its a no. if sex happened then it wasnt consensual, and frankly, I couldnt care less whether he thought it was consensual or not. the op didnt consent. thats a no.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 15:36

and touching someone up when they are too drunk to respond is still sexual assault.

if he thinks that its ok to do that, then he has real problems. misplaced anger is just one of them.

OxfordBags · 06/07/2012 16:16

Even being v drunk himself isn't an excuse to do anything sexual to someone drunker, worldgonecrazy.

MissF, am sorry to hear that about your past. I misinterpreted your earlier comment, I apologise.

doggiemumma · 06/07/2012 16:24

I am sure this has been said ad nausuem on this thread, but this man has raped you and it sounds to me like it was calculated and deliberate - bastard fucking worm of a man. You should go to the police - you have done NOTHING wrong Angry

I dont care how drunk this bastard was, he goaded you into drinking more than your limit, it is very difficult to remain sensible with drink once you have had a couple and are in a social situation and i have found myself drinking much more than normal due to peer pressure (harmless peer pressure of girls out on the town sort of thing) so to say no to this man would have been difficult actually (no to the drinks i mean), he knows this - he is a calculated rapist and needs reporting

worldgonecrazy · 06/07/2012 16:25

This reply has been deleted

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doggiemumma · 06/07/2012 16:28

worldgonecrazy i dont think it is the world that is crazy love, i think its you - are you fucking mad, did you not read the OP? "under pressure from a particular friend, i drunk alot" What more evidence do you need???

I am sure there are situations where both people get plastered, sex happens and they regret it, in fact i know this, i have done it myself, i don't consider that i was raped on those occasions. But the OP describes a text book date RAPE!!! fuck, i cant believe your comment!!!!

Dahlen · 06/07/2012 16:29

A man can't get pregnant. A woman is something like 2-3x more likely to catch an STI than she is to give one. A woman is penetrated, a man does the penetrating. There is much more risk of physical trauma to a woman than there is to a man. That's why there's a double standard I think. It's not centred on perceived emotional differences but physical risk.

doggiemumma · 06/07/2012 16:31

And yes, if a man is too drunk to consent to sex and someone takes advantage of this, then yes, he has been raped. There is often a mechanical reason that this is a rarer occurance i should imagine that if a man is too drunk to consent he is too drunk to get it up!!!

Are you the OPs friend by any chance??

Dahlen · 06/07/2012 16:32

Though FWIW I would think very badly of a woman who sexually assaulted a drunk man, too.

Dahlen · 06/07/2012 16:33

The serial rapist thing also has its basis in truth. Many date rapists have been found to have raped several women by the time they are eventually brought to account (if ever).

worldgonecrazy · 06/07/2012 16:38

"under pressure from a particular friend, i drunk alot" What more evidence do you need???

I'd need a lot more evidence actually - like context and background? It's not entirely unusual for friends to sometimes goad each other into drinking more than necessary is it?

And no, I'm not crazy, just a realist who demands more evidence than "maybe" to brand someone a (serial) rapist.

Dahlen · 06/07/2012 16:43

MN isn't a courtroom. It's an anonymous internet forum. The OP hasn't actually named anyone to be 'branded' a rapist.

I see no harm at all in supporting a woman who's likely been raped (less than 6% of allegations are false) and saying we believe her. Especially in light of the 'we believe you' campaign being run by MN.

I do, however, see quite a lot of harm in demanding she produces enough proof to convince a bunch of strangers of the legitimacy of her story - one of which, ironically, could be the potential 'outing' of the man concerned.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 16:44

You mean like "This friend then took me home as I did really need escorting to be fair, then started touching me while I was lying down after getting in. I think we had sex, but I can't really remember I really didn't expect this. This person had been a friend for over 6 years"?

Its pretty clear that at the very least a sexual assault took place. He did it, why not accuse him of it?

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 16:44

You mean like "This friend then took me home as I did really need escorting to be fair, then started touching me while I was lying down after getting in. I think we had sex, but I can't really remember I really didn't expect this. This person had been a friend for over 6 years"?

Its pretty clear that at the very least a sexual assault took place. He did it, why not accuse him of it?

Sausagedog27 · 06/07/2012 16:45

Lets not derail the thread- the op needs our support. Op- hope you are holding up, please talk to a rape crisis centre- they will be able to help you process your thoughts on this. It might be worth getting swabbed as well if you feel up to it. Knowledge is power- even if you decide to not take it further, it might just confirm what you suspect and cut through the rubbish your so called friend seems to be spouting at you xx

doggiemumma · 06/07/2012 16:46

Well "maybe" the OP wasn't expecting to get raped by this man when he encouraged her to drink more than she usually does. You are right it is not unusual for friends on the piss to encourae the others to join in the fun, but his motives were clearly suspect from the start.

Background - out on the piss with friends
Context - Guy singles out one girl to goad to drink to the extent that she cannot stand and he has to take her home (why didnt her take her to HER home FFS)

Theres your context and background - he raped her

I did not say he was a seriel rapist, but that from what whas written by the OP, it was a calulated rape.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 16:46

Some people think of themselves as amateur barristers, others are rape apologists. Op, ignore. I hope you are ok.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 16:46

Some people think of themselves as amateur barristers, others are rape apologists. Op, ignore. I hope you are ok.

JustFabulous · 06/07/2012 16:47

OP - you must feel so many emotions. Your friend has betrayed you. You have no real idea of what has gone on last night. You have a DP who you don't feel will understand. You have posted and have lots of people telling you what they think you should do.

Bottom line, this happened to you. This is your body. What you do from now is your choice but please just arm yourself with all the support, help, advice and love that you need and I wish you luck as you go on with your life.

doggiemumma · 06/07/2012 16:49

Yes Sausagedog you are right - i apologise.

I definately think at this early stage the OP should keep her options open should she decide that she wants to do something about this. Please do this OP, then you will be in a much stronger position should you want to persue this.

can you ask other friends who you were out with to maybe fill in the blanks of what happened earlier in the evening, it will definately help with background and context!

WhatWouldMargoDo · 06/07/2012 17:15

Ignore the rape myths op, we are here for you, how are you doing now? Did your friend call you on her lunch break?

MNHQ
HelenMumsnet · 06/07/2012 17:57

Hello. We think now might be a good moment to post up a link to our Rape Awareness/'We Believe You' Campaign, with particular ref to Rape Myth number 4.

TheDancingPilchard · 06/07/2012 18:05

thank you Helen.

OP, we are here when you want to talk. I hope you are ok

ThereGoesTheYear · 06/07/2012 18:33

So this 'friend' is saying he was drunk too? So in that case, I guess it would be ok for another bloke to have sex with his unconscious arse? Thought not. OP, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG.