His 'holidays' in bloody Thailand

[NotSoEdenRoc]

Name change.

I'm single. I've been involved in an on/off fairly casual thing with this guy for 3 years.He goes to the Far East about 4 times a year. Turns out that he goes to Bangkok and somewhere else in Thailand...I've only just found this out, he's never mentioned Thailand usually says he's going to Malaysia and/or Singapore but doesn't talk about his trip when he gets back home.

Can there be any innocent reason why a single man in his mid 40's goes to Bangkok 4 times a year ? On his own? And if it's all innocent (yea yea) why not just tell me the truth about where he goes?

I know I need to get checked for STI's. I am going to die of embarassment a woman of my age going in there, are these clinics full of 16 year olds?

But my main question here is, would anyone else feel like I do? I feel like I've lost all respect for him as a man. He's a horrible repulsive creature doing this. I feel dirty myself. I feel as if he must hate women.

So we are essentially in agreement then Damsel. OP says name of country and people pile in with perceived associations about that country which actualy is quite damming if you happen to be from that country as in if your female you must have trafficked or if your male you must be a pimp.

How about another scenario since we still know so little, he might be embarrassed to admit that he goes for long intimate meetings with these females:
www.elephantnaturefoundation.org/

If however he is going for sex tourism then perhaps people should engage with the idea of providing more resources to encourage proper tourism.

Correction, Damsel.
ONE of Thailand's many hypes is sex tourism.

As was said before, it's got great beaches, good food, warm weather, trekking, drugs, interesting culture.

Don't assume the man is visiting prostitutes just because he's gone there.
Frankly, if he wanted a series of cheap shags he could save himself £700 air fare and just phone a UK escort agency or five. So there must be more to his desire to travel there than that, surely?

if you are in a casual relationship, its really none of your business where another adult goes on their hols and for what reason

Op I'd be thinking exactly the same as you. And if he's into elephants or nature or whatever, why wouldn't he have mentioned it?
With one exception btw. You're a middle aged fool if you don't get tested. If you do, you're sensible and practical. Good luck with it all.

Why has he not mentioned what it is he does when he's there? He goes more than once a year. Where's the holiday snaps?

Taghain, there is a prozzie site that must not be mentioned here. Go read the local taxi drivers view on spending money on escorts here in the UK compared to Thailand. He is/was a prolific poster and encourage other men to do the same. It all had to do with how cheap it is.

Unfortuately I always associate Thailand with sex tourism and judge men who go there

if he wanted a series of "cheap shags" with underage boys or girls , he is likely to see his £700 flight to Thailand as necessary expenditure

OP, you can't stand this man

get him dumped, pronto, whether you manage to "prove" he goes to Thailand for the availibility of underage prostitutes or not

if you find out he does, however, please have no hesitation in ruining his reputation in as many quarters as you can x

I'm sorry but I doubt any man travels to Thailand on his own for the beaches and/or culture! The odd few posters who have said this must be incredibly naïve!!

I would think any man who regualrly travelled there alone or with friends was a sex tourist and its just yuck!

I like to think I'm really open minded but this is another level.

If he was really going for the beautiful beaches etc why doesn't he take OP on a romantic trip?

As for getting prostitutes here for cheaper, well he probably does that as well in between visits. Also, maybe he has a think for petite Thai girls, or underage of lady boys. Plus apart from the expensive air fare the girls would be very cheap for cheap, also notoriously over attentive to middle aged married pervs. Urgh.

The only thing I don't get is why its taken the OP 3 yrs to twig what's going on and not say a bloody thing to him.

Why am I surprised at so much judgment of me here, making me the one in the wrong? Firstly for choosing to be in an on/off relationship with him and secondly for apparently being too thick to know that he has been lying to me. I should have realised this wasn't a safe place to post this.

Many thanks to those of you, the big majority, who have given good advice.

As for those of you who've had a go at me for it taking me 3 years to realise. Why would I realise? I don't go around assuming people are lying to me. I dont live with the man. We have wives on here who've been married for 20 years and their DH has been cheating on them for years and years and they had no idea. Why is it so wrong that I didn't know what this guy was doing? Because you think I'm stupid?
I'm certainly not going to blame myself for not working this one out sooner. I'll leave you all to do that.

Thanks again to those of you who've not judged me.

You are not the one in the wrong, love

OP it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. They say love is blind, because it's true. Don't take on the blame just because some faceless posters have no empathy.

All I'm saying is ask first, decide later.
He may be an abusing prostitute user, he may have not told you about visiting Thailand because he though you'd jump to conclusions, as many on this site have done.

Damsel, I have no intention of visiting a prozzie site, as you call it. The idea is repugnant. I know what happens in both the UK and abroad, I'd rather not dwell on it.

I was very briefly seeing a guy about 3 years ago. Only for about 4 weeks. He then went to Thailand alone for 3 weeks. Told me it was to practice kick boxing. Sure it was true but he posted loads of pics with women. When he got back he wanted to get together. I declined firmly.

Blimey calm down OP!
If your relationship with him was only casual and you were both single free agents then it really was up to him where he holidayed and what he did there! It's not like he was 'unfaithful' as such.
Nobody has blamed you - just a little surprised that it took 3 years to discover what he was up to!
I hope your tests are all clear.

A bit of experience here as I dated a guy who was in mid 40's and goes to Bangkok. For a minute I thought it might be him lol, but I know he's now hooked up with a Thai girl whose 29 in Australia - though looks just about legal (swears he's seen her passport as proof). Anyway, at the time I had an idea of what he got up to as he told me he'd been with ladyboys when I first met him and that he does visit the massage parlours too (not gay but likes women and cock :-o).
Well, I knew from the start that it weren't gonna last but still had fun along the way (he was rather good at stuff ;-)). At least he was very conscientious about safe sex, but just in case I got tested at the start and end of relationship and turned out ok, as did he. There is nothing to worry about and no judgement about going to a clinic, if anything it shows you are being mature and responsible and all ages go. I wouldn't bother with someone like that again but he was good and supportive in many ways and what I needed at the time so I don't regret knowing him. The worry is that your chap seems very secretive and perhaps is less cautious ?

kalukiu. In respect of posting here I am calm. I don't need to calm down.

I never said he was unfaithful to me. I never said I feel like he's cheated on me.

I am angry with him for putting my health at risk by his LYING TO ME about shagging in a country with high HIV and gonorrhea (sp) rates. I have been as careful as I can in that regard but there are some STI's that condoms don't protect against. We had both shared about other partners - he just missed out the part about the fact he's had paid sex in a foreign country with (probably) lady boys and underage girls. For that, I'm mad. And why do you think he didn't tell me? Why did he find it necessary to lie? Would it be because he KNOWS how risky his behaviour has been?

But mostly what I'm bothered about is that I'm disgusted by what he's been doing. Underage girls and boys? I think he's a dirty disgusting pig. (oh I've already said that). Or maybe some people here think like he apparently does - that if you go overseas for it the age of the girls doesn't matter.

My two questions in my OP were about visiting STI clinics at my age- answered very well by PP's - and if anyone else would find a man disgusting in this situation. I never asked for any judgement on my relationship with him. If people can get off their high horses and stop moralising and even suggesting that I deserve this because I'm not in a committed relationship with him, we may have a more meaningful discussion.
It doesn't matter what the status of our relationship is. It's irrelevant. I'd appreciate it if we can move past that.

A family member works in the mining industry where people work on rotation, x weeks on y weeks off. Many men go to Thailand where they have 'wives' and live like kings when they are there.

opentooffers I am pretty certain that he's been with ladyboys. That's how I found out about this. Another that's not gay but likes cock.
And yes, you're right, the fact he's been so secretive set off massive alarm bells and I have reason to believe he's been taking a lot of risks when he's there. I mentioned above that I have safe sex with him but there are still risks even so.
We've always (so I thought) been open with each other about our other partners and it's his secretive behaviour round this that has got me very scared. And angry.

Mayisout if he had a 'wife' there - and she was over 18 and it was her decision to be his 'wife' I'd be ok with it. I just don't think that's the case here.

I'm not sure it is disgusting - men having 'wives' in poor far east countries, but I suspect, as many of the men are 40s/50s, that they have more or less abandoned their original western families due to the fact that they work long shifts overseas anyway, so if they spend their weeks off in Thailand there western families will hardly ever see them.

He's just phoned me. He's coming round tonight. He knows I want to talk.
So is he going to deny it to try to keep getting inside my knickers, or will he tell the truth? Or will he tell his version of the truth?
Not sure how to approach it without giving away what I already know.

I hope you used protection, as you should always do esp with anything casual. You are less likely to find things out so quickly with someone you don't live with and see occasionally, so it is very important, and you can easily pick up anything from people who don't travel. STI's are common over here too. GL with test, put it down to experience, learn from it and don't give yourself such a hard time. But if he didn't use protection and lied through his teeth to you Kick his but and let him know what damage he could do to himself and others.

Ok, I get you did use the protection, good for you. Unless you had breakages, it's not that likely that any serious harm was done, but get tested just in case. I'd have trouble with the under-age side, that's not sexual orientation, it's just wrong. I'd also have issue with a man that visited Thailand for the sex trade during the period of knowing him. I take it he has been over during the 3 years. Sounds like you don't want to be with him again even if he does deny it as you already don't trust him, quite rightly as he has hidden the truth from you. You don't in that case need to see him, just end it over the phone. You don't even need to tell him why you are ending it as he's not told you stuff.

Open yes, always used protection although we've had a condom split once. I was working in France at the time and managed to get a private test over there (no need to go to a public clinic) and all was clear. But that was a couple of years ago. GUM clinic at local hosp is open tomorrow morning.

Thanks!