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Original poster

I think I need to end this friendship

146 replies

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 07:29

Its a very long story but I'll try to keep it fairly brief. I was very good friends with a woman who lives in my road. Our daughters are at school together. We were very close. About a year ago she just stopped talking to me. I had no idea why and asked her several times but she denied not talking to me and said I'd done nothing wrong. At the same time her husband stopped talking to me too, he deleted and blocked me on Facebook and refused to talk to me in the street or at the school. I asked my friend about this too and she said she had no idea why.

I kind of then accepted the friendship was over and just went about my daily life. If I saw this friend I was polite to her but didn't get involved much. After about 3 months she started messaging me a lot, both as a text and facebook messages, and eventually I started replying and we chatted a lot. I don't see her much as we're both busy. It's always her instigating the messages, often 5 or more per day.

In the last few days though it's dawned on me that the friendship is all on her terms, and actually the following apply:

If I see her in public locally she just says a quick 'hello' and carries on walking. If we are somewhere like a kids party she stands/sits with me but on the school run she actively crosses the road to avoid me.

I've tried inviting her to several nights out and other things but she always says no. Anything is always met with 'not sure what I'm doing yet'

She won't come round or invite me in her house. I recently took a birthday present round for her child and she barely opened the door to me to take it.

She makes excuses if I invite her daughter round. Says she's going out then on her Facebook status totally contradicts herself.

So basically she just wants the friendship to be in a text/facebook format and I think it's her husband dictating to her. However although I've been understanding of this until now, I don't think I am prepared to put up with half a friendship, on her terms. Last night she went out and I saw her walking past the house with two mutual friends and it dawned on me that no way would she have a night out with me now, let alone walk anywhere with me. To me, a friend is a friend at all times, not just when they choose to be.

I feel upset but in a way glad I've come to this decision.

OP posts:
EmilieFloge · 01/07/2012 07:32

I think you must end it as it is, because it sounds dreadfully confusing and contradictory and you've no idea where you stand, or what is behind her weirdy behaviour.

How will you end it though? I would suggest talking to her or sending a message, saying you a re really baffled by how she behaves, if she wishes to continue being friends you need a full and frank discussion about why she is acting like this, have you done something to offend her etc etc, otherwise you will have no choice but to stop any contact as it is upsetting you and you feel any friendship ought to be on an honest premise or it isn't worth beans.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 07:36

Thank you Emilie. I've tried several times to talk to her but she always denies there is a problem, almost to the point where I started to doubt myself and think maybe I was being oversensitive or paranoid as she'd just say 'no' and give me this look like I was mad. I have a feeling I won't get anywhere if I try to talk.....

OP posts:
Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 07:37

I guess looking at is she is displaying schoolgirl behaviour, you know how the popular girls at school make you feel that sometimes you're in and sometimes you're not but if you feel anyone is being horrible to you then it's your problem?

OP posts:
EmilieFloge · 01/07/2012 07:44

Well whatever her motives or viewpoint, it is making you really unhappy and sounds like you would feel better to take back some control and just blow her out.
I think then don't try and rationalise - just say you don't feel comfortable with the friendship, and you don't wish to continue it and yes, she will blame this on you and things may get even worse - or it might be best just to turn down her invitations and ignore her calls. If she refuses to talk then it is after all pointless.

Sorry you are being controlled like this, it must feel horrible.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 07:47

I think I'll do the latter, you have summed it all up perfectly in that I want to take the control back. I'm reluctant to do anything that will make an atmosphere at the school or make things awkward so will say a polite 'hello' when I see her and carry on walking...

OP posts:
Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 07:47

I think I'll do the latter, you have summed it all up perfectly in that I want to take the control back. I'm reluctant to do anything that will make an atmosphere at the school or make things awkward so will say a polite 'hello' when I see her and carry on walking...

OP posts:
EmilieFloge · 01/07/2012 07:52

Yes! yes you have it. This is the thing, you've already taken that vital step of detaching in your own mind - she isn't crucial to you any more, it doesn't matter too muchwhat she thinks of you now as you have realised that it's not your fault and there's nothing you have done to deserve it.

Well done and good luck. No drama, no confrontation, just taking back control of your own life and responses to someone who is acting like a loon Smile

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 07:55

Thank you :)

OP posts:
AllOverIt · 01/07/2012 07:56

She sounds odd to say the least. Agree with all the advice. Just be polite and have as little to do with her as possible.

WinkyWinkola · 01/07/2012 07:57

And she won't like it. She may make more of an effort but I think that's it now - you cannot try to resume normal relations.

Just totally ignore her FB messages and be polite but distant in public. Don't waste your time on such people.

I wouldn't discuss it at all with mutual friends either because it will get back to her and she will see it as bad mouthing her, giving her an opportunity to have a grievance against you. Which would be very boring for you.

What a weird woman. She's not a friend to you. Well rid of her.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 08:02

In do think her husband has a lot to do with it as she is fairly submissive to him, however he can't be that controlling as she has lots of other friends. I said to DH yesterday that if he really disliked one of my friends unless they had done something bad against him I would continue to be friends and he would have to accept it and he agreed and said its weird if she is letting him dictate about my friendship with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 08:29

Just had my first message of the day from her, which I've totally ignored

OP posts:
toptramp · 01/07/2012 08:32

Did your dds fall out? Not that it matters because she dosn't sound like a friend at all; she sounds like a horrid women.

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 08:37

I'm not sure tbh, I don't think so as they've never been in the same friendship groups, but I know her DD has problems with various other children as she moans about it to me. Her DD is very spoilt.

Just wanted to add too that there is one mutual friend too that I was close to but that has 'silently sided' with her, ie she gives the impression we are friends but I feel she is a little distant from me now too and I feel she knows more than she lets on. She was one of the friends this woman was out with last night. So I think I need to distance myself from her too.

I am, however, absolutely intrigued to know what I've done.

OP posts:
Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 09:50

And now I've had two texts from her, which I plan to ignore....

OP posts:
mrsconfuseddotcom · 01/07/2012 09:57

I wouldn't bother wasting my time and energy even thinking about this schoolgirl behaviour.

Just ditch her. You don't need to discuss it with her. After all, you're above all that, aren't you? :)

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 10:03

Yes that's very true mrsconfused Grin

And that's totally what it is isn't it? Schoolgirl behaviour.

I'm going to greatly enjoy letting the 'friendship' drift, I have to say. Won't do her any harm to spend some time wondering if she's done anything to upset me this time.

OP posts:
EmilieFloge · 01/07/2012 10:36

I wouldn't get into any sort of game playing though...by all means ignore her but at some point she might ask you why, at which point you can say either 'I don't know what you mean' much as she has done to you, or you can stick to your own standards and be honest.

just say you didn't understand her behaviour towards you and don't enjoy the friendship and so you think it best if you both move on.

Then either she will take you at face value and leave it or she will try to broker some kind of talks. Either way you get a result.

SirSugar · 01/07/2012 10:40

Yes, I'd give her a taste of her own medicine

Original poster
HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 01/07/2012 10:41

Yes, I totally agree Emilie. I think me being me I will probably say about not understanding the behaviour. If that leads to a talk then that's fine and I'd talk to her but I think the friendship cannot be mended.

OP posts:
pictish · 01/07/2012 10:43

When you say you used to be very close, can you elaborate on that at all? Did she used to let you in her house no problem, for example?

newgirl · 01/07/2012 10:52

I think you are taking this friendship way too seriously. Just think of them as neighbours - be polite and neighbourly but don't expect to be 'best' friends. Not replying to texts seems odd to me - maybe this woman thinks you nice, likes your kids but doesn't want an intense friendship and is just getting on with her day. Nothing more compacted than that

anniewoo · 01/07/2012 11:05

Strange lady -must have ishoos! Keep well clear.

pictish · 01/07/2012 11:13

I agree with newgirl
OP I don't think this woman has ever seen you as a very good friend, as you have her...I think she sees you as a lovely aquaintance.

snoopyplaystennis · 01/07/2012 11:15

She has texted you twice early on a Sunday morning, it all sounds quite strange