I think I need to end this friendship

[HexagonalQueenOfEverything]

Its a very long story but I'll try to keep it fairly brief. I was very good friends with a woman who lives in my road. Our daughters are at school together. We were very close. About a year ago she just stopped talking to me. I had no idea why and asked her several times but she denied not talking to me and said I'd done nothing wrong. At the same time her husband stopped talking to me too, he deleted and blocked me on Facebook and refused to talk to me in the street or at the school. I asked my friend about this too and she said she had no idea why.

I kind of then accepted the friendship was over and just went about my daily life. If I saw this friend I was polite to her but didn't get involved much. After about 3 months she started messaging me a lot, both as a text and facebook messages, and eventually I started replying and we chatted a lot. I don't see her much as we're both busy. It's always her instigating the messages, often 5 or more per day.

In the last few days though it's dawned on me that the friendship is all on her terms, and actually the following apply:

If I see her in public locally she just says a quick 'hello' and carries on walking. If we are somewhere like a kids party she stands/sits with me but on the school run she actively crosses the road to avoid me.

I've tried inviting her to several nights out and other things but she always says no. Anything is always met with 'not sure what I'm doing yet'

She won't come round or invite me in her house. I recently took a birthday present round for her child and she barely opened the door to me to take it.

She makes excuses if I invite her daughter round. Says she's going out then on her Facebook status totally contradicts herself.

So basically she just wants the friendship to be in a text/facebook format and I think it's her husband dictating to her. However although I've been understanding of this until now, I don't think I am prepared to put up with half a friendship, on her terms. Last night she went out and I saw her walking past the house with two mutual friends and it dawned on me that no way would she have a night out with me now, let alone walk anywhere with me. To me, a friend is a friend at all times, not just when they choose to be.

I feel upset but in a way glad I've come to this decision.

What sort of stuff is she texting about on a Sunday morning?

Pictish, yes we have been very close friends, to the point of spending a lot of time together, going on holiday together, babysitting each others children etc. We used to spend ages chatting each morning after we'd done the school run and having a coffee.

newgirl, I disagree, we were very close friends. And in any case why would she text me several times per day if she didn't want an intense friendship? Seems pretty intense to me if someone is texting someone several times a day

Katisha; asking if I had a nice evening last night and then a further one asking what I'm up to today.

Hmm. Mixed messages then. I think you are best to disengage although she well ramp up the contact in an attempt to regain control.

It sounds like she wants a virtual relationship with you not a real one, I would stop checking on facebook if I was you. It will just make you feel worse about what she is up to.

Ahhhh I see - well that puts a whole other spin on it then.
Something stinks doesn't it?

If you have out and out asked her what you have done to upset her, or indeed what has occured to make the friendship cool off like this, and she denies there is even a problem, then I agree with you - it's a dead loss. You can't expect to treat people's feelings with such disregard and carry on the relationship entirely on your own terms like she is.

If I were you I'd not bother replying to texts. I'd remain polite when forced into interaction with her, and I'd leave it be.

There seems to be no indication as to what it's all about and she's pretty much refusing to acknowledge it, and I think that is a horrible way to treat someone.

No wonder you're confused. x

Thank you everyone.

pictish, yes that's exactly it, she's treated my feeling with disregard and thinks everything should be on her terms. I'd hate to think I was coming across as grateful whenever/however she chooses to talk about me and that she's playing on that. And like you say, I'll be polite if forced into interaction with her. When I asked before if I'd done anything to upset her, she acted in a totally incredulous way, almost wounded and offended that I dared to ask what I'd done.

I'm going to stick with ignoring the contact for now; I really don't need her in my life, and she's not contributing anything to my life at all. I think I'd rather have no friends than put up with that kind of rubbish.

Oh me too. x

People can be so strange, can't they? I was very friendly with a woman years ago, we both had kids in the same class at school, and got chatting at the school gates, hit it off, started having coffee, the kids played together, usual stuff. Our husbands got on well, same line of work...we all went out lots together, had days out, everything great. After 5 years of close friendship, she just blanked me at a school event. This was ten years ago. I asked her what was wrong, and she just turned around and walked off! Her husband mumbled something to mine about 'the girls having a bit of a falling out' and he then distanced himself too! It was all really bizarre. To this day, I don't know why, and it still rankles. I spent hours trying to think what I might have said or done, and I still have no clues as to how I could have offended her.

I still see her occasionally, and just ignore her. I reached the conclusion that it was her problem, my conscience was clear, and she was best avoided.

It's horrible isn't it and it doesn't sound as though she has any reason not to be friends, maybe the texts are about her feeling guilty.

I was very friendly with someone for years, we'd been camping together, met up regularly and I counted her as one of my best friends. Then she dis-invited me to a party she was having saying it was too much trouble to hold, then when I said I had a babysitter booked did she fancy doing something else instead, she said a few if the other mums were coming round for wine and take-away. She said she didn't think it was quite my thing!!

So I was very upset as I'm clearly not good enough to be in the group if muns she spends her time with now.

But you know what? I'm glad in not in the clique of smog's (love that expression) as I don't have to keep up with them and what is obviously a very superficial group of women

What is a 'clique of smog' dolly it sounds most unpleasant . You are doing the right thing OP in ignoring her texts.

Sorry to hear others have been through the same sort of thing, it's horrible isn't it? Some women are so bloody bitchy and god knows what goes on in their heads.

People are weird!

It's a phrase I learnt here!!
Smug mothers of girls!!!
Only applies to those who are obv!!

Thing is my friend isn't bitchy at all, she's always been lively and sweet and I thought she did her own thing. I like to think that the other muns in that clique ( one of whom really doesn't like me) have made it awkward for her. I have to think that or it's too upsetting

She sound a very strange "friend".

I would just be polite and concise if she speaks to you in person, but no more. Don't reply to facebook and text messages. Don't invite her anywhere. This way you end the friendship but avoid any sort of confrontation. If she asks you, give her a taste of her own medicine and deny anything is up!

I had another couple of messages this evening but I've ignored them too. I think whoever said he will probably ramp up her messages to regain control was right, and that is what she will do. What do I say to her tomorrow on the school run if she asks if I received her texts? 'Yep, I did but I was having a busy day'?

I think I'd just go with, "Yep, I did get your messages" silence

Let her think on.

No, I would just be fairly straight and say something like: 'To be honest I don't really do on-off friendships, I think this has run its course' and leave it at that. She'll know what you mean.

Oooh eldritch that's wonderfully assertive. Wish I could be so brave! I agree def ignore her. Not sure what I'd manage to squeak out face to face if she confronted me though! Probably just "um, er, yes, er, sorry - gotta go!"

I like both those suggestions, Schnarkle and Eldritch. Which one I use will depend on how brave I feel tomorrow morning or I may well go for the scaredy cat option and drive DD to school tomorrow

Say it very gently in a soft voice. The tone of voice disarms and distracts. By the time she works out you said something actually quite hardcore, you will have legged it.

Haha! Great idea!

Report back whether she talks to you today OP.

I have just seen her on the school run; I ended up driving due to the pants weather and getting up late, and she saw me driving past her and just scurried past. She's reluctant even to wave to me in public.

Oh well, I'm actually finding it quite amusing that a grown adult can be so silly and petty. It'll be interesting to see, in time, if she does it to anyone else....