I think I need to end this friendship

[HexagonalQueenOfEverything]

Its a very long story but I'll try to keep it fairly brief. I was very good friends with a woman who lives in my road. Our daughters are at school together. We were very close. About a year ago she just stopped talking to me. I had no idea why and asked her several times but she denied not talking to me and said I'd done nothing wrong. At the same time her husband stopped talking to me too, he deleted and blocked me on Facebook and refused to talk to me in the street or at the school. I asked my friend about this too and she said she had no idea why.

I kind of then accepted the friendship was over and just went about my daily life. If I saw this friend I was polite to her but didn't get involved much. After about 3 months she started messaging me a lot, both as a text and facebook messages, and eventually I started replying and we chatted a lot. I don't see her much as we're both busy. It's always her instigating the messages, often 5 or more per day.

In the last few days though it's dawned on me that the friendship is all on her terms, and actually the following apply:

If I see her in public locally she just says a quick 'hello' and carries on walking. If we are somewhere like a kids party she stands/sits with me but on the school run she actively crosses the road to avoid me.

I've tried inviting her to several nights out and other things but she always says no. Anything is always met with 'not sure what I'm doing yet'

She won't come round or invite me in her house. I recently took a birthday present round for her child and she barely opened the door to me to take it.

She makes excuses if I invite her daughter round. Says she's going out then on her Facebook status totally contradicts herself.

So basically she just wants the friendship to be in a text/facebook format and I think it's her husband dictating to her. However although I've been understanding of this until now, I don't think I am prepared to put up with half a friendship, on her terms. Last night she went out and I saw her walking past the house with two mutual friends and it dawned on me that no way would she have a night out with me now, let alone walk anywhere with me. To me, a friend is a friend at all times, not just when they choose to be.

I feel upset but in a way glad I've come to this decision.

1. Arrrgggghhh Facebook. Devil's spawn.

1. I know this might sound a bit leftfield but could she have a drink problem? Texting/FB-ing like a loon when she's pissed, acting oddly during the day?

1. HexQ - you don't have a sign saying shit on me, you are just a nice person and this woman is extremely odd

Cherchez l'homme.

When women behave like this, when they're not plain nutcases and their kids have fallen out with your's and they're too involved, then it tends to be because of the behaviour of one of the men - either the one they live with is winding them up, or the one the other woman lives with, has made a pass at them or in fact is having an affair.

I wd be concerned purely and simply because of what she may be saying or implying to the other ppl in your circle about you and her husband. (or yourd husband). Just dumping her doesn't solve that does it, so I can understand why you're still wrestling with this.

Well I've deleted her now everyone, so it will be interesting to see if she contacts me.

Fastidia, I don't think it could be anything my DH has done as her DH is still all matey with him, they are just both funny with me...

Good for you for deleting her.
Has she not asked you why you are not responding to her texts?

Nope, haven't heard anything from her for a couple of days now.

I'm thinking I might ask the other 'friend' round for a coffee and discuss it all with her and ask her what has been said about me and tell her how hurt I feel.

I was actually going to suggest that...maybe better still a glass of wine to loosen her tongue a bit!

I'll text her now. Wine is a good idea. Although she doesn't always agree to meet up if I suggest it.

TBH I think it's a mistake to involve another person- Their loyalties will be divided.

It's horrid being dumped by a friend- but I think you should move on and stop looking for reasons.

Hold your head high and just ignore her and anything she says about you.

The other person was a good friend too, PeterPanandWendy, and is very cold with me now so I was planning to discuss it with her to get the friendship back on track with her rather than the one that has been ignoring me. Although actually like I said previously, she clearly wasn't much of a friend if she just started acting cool with me too for no apparent reason on hearsay or gossip alone.

I do totally see what you are saying, it just all feels a bit unfair that the other friend has seemingly turned her - and others - against me when I feel I've done nothing wrong.

Yeah, i don't see anything wrong with trying to find out if she's said something to her.

TBH life's too short- no? Save your time and emotional energy for freinds who want to be with you.

I've had your experience- a neighbour who I'd become close friends with suddenly froze me out after about 7 years. She just stopped speaking and ignored me when we were walking in our street etc etc.

I have no idea why to this day. Nothing IMO had changed, so arguments, nothing. Out of the blue. I was very uspet and often wanted to "accost" her in our road, and ask what the heck was it all about. I never did and life moved on. it still puzzles me but it was almost 20 years back now so I have moved on- suggest you do the same.

Sorry to hear you had a similar experience PeterPan

In a way I do agree with what you're saying, after all there is probably little I can do to change things. however I still have a burning desire to know what I've actually done.

I ended up not texting the other friend, and I feel very on the fence about what to do, so I think I'll leave it for now.

TBH I think you are right not to involve the other friend for now. Perhaps once the dust settles a bit, you could have a coffee with her and mention it casually, but I think it is too fraught at the moment.

I have been on both sides of this situation - 2 good friends of mine simply inexplicably stopped answering my calls and cut off all contact. I have no idea to this day what I did. Coincidentally, I met one of them just last week, after over 10 years, and I didn't recognise her. She was like 'Beryl, hi Beryl, it's me! How are you? How's things going?'. I was friendly, and pleased to see her, but still a bit .

But I have also done the same. I had a friend who was extremely controlling, and I suspect didn't really like me at all, but wanted a side kick to have around all the time. She would belittle me in front of people, and when I spoke to her privately about it and asked her not to do it, she then made a big deal in front of other people saying things like 'sorry I can't joke about that, cos Beryl feels I am trying to humiliate her.' Basically she was a bully.

I got to the stage where I felt that she was no friend at all, and I cut contact. Not is a big dramatic way, but just didn't phone her, if she phoned me I was friendly, but vague, always just about to go out. She became a bit of a stalker, trying to extract an explanation from me, but I didn't want to discuss it, because I thought she would use any explanation to ridicule and belittle me. Years later, I bumped into her DP, and he asked what had happened between me and said friend. I sort of non-comittally said 'well, you know, people move on?' and he went on to tell me that friend had accused her DP of having an affair with me, and that was why I was being cool with her. Amazing that she never once thought that her controlling abusive behaviour had anything to do with it!

Anyhow, I am going off on a bit of a tangent, and I am quite sure that you are not anything like that friend of mine. However, one thing was that after I cut contact with her, I ended up becoming friends with a really genuinely nice crowd of people, who are all still really good friends. I sincerely believe that if I had allowed that toxic friendship to continue, I would never have met my lovely friends. So take heart that you are better off without a friendship like that, and a like a wardrobe, a good friend clear out makes room for new clothes friends.

My take would be slightly different to Beryl's. Years ago a good friend stopped speaking to me. Totally cut me out. In the end I confronted her and asked for an explanation. She just exploded, and screamed that someone had told her I'd been attacking her behind her back. I hadn't. She ranted and raved with some awful and extremely specific allegations about what I'd supposedly said and done. She refused to say who had made these claims - it was "I can't remember' and eventually 'I'm not prepared to say'. To this day I don't know whether she made it up, or someone did poison her against me. We never spoke again.

However she then spread these claims about my behaviour across a wide circle of mutual friends. I did speak with as many as I could to counter her allegations. What I was supposed to have said and done was so vile, I'm sure a lot of people initially took what she said at face value as no normal person would make stuff like that up iyswim?

You do have my sympathy in all this. I found it extremely painful to lose a friend and be accused of stuff I hadn't done with not enough information to exonerate myself. If she has said something outrageous - like you made a pass at her husband - people may think that there's some truth in it, if she's not generally known for bonkers allegations. In your shoes I'd tackle the friend being cool with you directly.

Glad you have blocked her from facebook. I don't feel that you should try to find out why she has fallen out with you from other people, they are probably unlikely to tell you. She has treated you shockingly, not at all on an even level. There are nicer people out there. Women can be so bitchy to each other.

I also think your DH should cool it with her DH - it is somehow undermining if her DH is being all matey with yours - almost making the point that you are the persona non grata, not your DH, IYSWIM?

Not to excuse your friend's behaviour, but it does make me wonder if her DH is behind all of this, and that accounts for your friend blowing hot and cold?

Sorry, I have just reread your initial posts, and you have said your DH is polite but won't get into any conversation or friendly banter with him.

I have also just picked up that it was a year ago that she cut all contact, then resumed 3 months later (attention to detail clearly extremely low). How strange.

If you do decide to speak to the other friend about it (not the weird one, but the one who has somehow got drawn into things), I would limit the conversation to yours and her relationship - without mentioning the weird friend IYSWIM.

Well done OP. It is liberating to shed someone from your live who does not treat you well. I had one such person who was a little princess-y; everything always on her terms, would sometimes not bother to answer emails but would suddenly appear again when bored.

In finally plucked up the courage to put distance between us and feel better for it.

The point OP is that even if you ask her or another friend, they may lie. There is no guarantee they will come clean, so you may not get the answers you think.

In my case, we were in and out of each other's houses, helped each other with the kids, picked up shopping for each other- all neighbourly things- then one day from her- nothing. Totally blanked me in the street outside our houses.

My only inkiing of why was that maybe she didn't want a friendship that close any more- and apart from the kids we had little in common with our backgrounds, and she was younger than me.

I know how it hurts- I used to see this person in the supermarket etc years afterwards and wanted to go up and ask what it had all been about- but didn't.

I think if you can it's better to take the high moral ground.

'I' not 'in'

You should definitely ask the other friend why she is being cool with you 'as there is no reason to be so if you have hear otherwise tell me'

Don't let this lie as it sounds like she has spread rumpled about you - I bet she said you flirted with her dh

Your dh must be distant with her dh too