I think I need to end this friendship

[HexagonalQueenOfEverything]

Its a very long story but I'll try to keep it fairly brief. I was very good friends with a woman who lives in my road. Our daughters are at school together. We were very close. About a year ago she just stopped talking to me. I had no idea why and asked her several times but she denied not talking to me and said I'd done nothing wrong. At the same time her husband stopped talking to me too, he deleted and blocked me on Facebook and refused to talk to me in the street or at the school. I asked my friend about this too and she said she had no idea why.

I kind of then accepted the friendship was over and just went about my daily life. If I saw this friend I was polite to her but didn't get involved much. After about 3 months she started messaging me a lot, both as a text and facebook messages, and eventually I started replying and we chatted a lot. I don't see her much as we're both busy. It's always her instigating the messages, often 5 or more per day.

In the last few days though it's dawned on me that the friendship is all on her terms, and actually the following apply:

If I see her in public locally she just says a quick 'hello' and carries on walking. If we are somewhere like a kids party she stands/sits with me but on the school run she actively crosses the road to avoid me.

I've tried inviting her to several nights out and other things but she always says no. Anything is always met with 'not sure what I'm doing yet'

She won't come round or invite me in her house. I recently took a birthday present round for her child and she barely opened the door to me to take it.

She makes excuses if I invite her daughter round. Says she's going out then on her Facebook status totally contradicts herself.

So basically she just wants the friendship to be in a text/facebook format and I think it's her husband dictating to her. However although I've been understanding of this until now, I don't think I am prepared to put up with half a friendship, on her terms. Last night she went out and I saw her walking past the house with two mutual friends and it dawned on me that no way would she have a night out with me now, let alone walk anywhere with me. To me, a friend is a friend at all times, not just when they choose to be.

I feel upset but in a way glad I've come to this decision.

Have just read through this thread. Is it at all possible that the husband is texting you from her phone?

I don't think so, saadia, as the texts sound very much as if they're from her, and also it is often random stuff about the children etc, and he takes no interest in his children and things like school events. It'd freak me out a bit if it was him

I really think you should delete & block her on FB & every other virtual medium. And the forget her!!

Facebook is hateful - it enables all sorts of strange passive aggressive behaviour.

Who knows what she is about, but I really agree with BringBackSideBurns' advice - I would tell her that her behaviour is strange, that you have given her lots of opportunities to explain it, and you could do without an on/off friendship. Then block / ignore.

She is weird. I think you need to send a txt back saying "You don't talk to me in public, you won't make a public comment on my facebook, why are you still txting me?" and see what she says. It's not like she can snub you any more than she is!!!

Why are you still even fb friends with this person?

I'd have deleted her long ago, not let myself be treated like crap.

Hi OP,

What news from your 'friend'?

Hi all

Beryl, I've had a couple of FB messages from her this week but haven't replied.

Fairhaired, I feel that to delete her would cause more problems than it's worth, as our DCs are friends. I did try once restricting access to her wall and she noticed immediately and texted me.

I find it upsetting that the other friend is very cool with me these days, she acts as though she doesn't want to be with me when I see her. I am not overly bothered now about the friend with the horrible husband, but the behaviour of the other friend upsets me, and I think I might meet up with her in a couple of weeks and talk to her about it, as some of you have suggested, and ask exactly what has been said and say I am upset that she is cool with me when I've done nothing wrong. Can't help feeling that if he was a proper friend in the first place she'd never have taken any notice of hearsay and gossip though....

Next time she posts why not publicise it - so for ypu example put on your status "trying hard to decide whether to have this lovely glass of wine or make a cup of tea". If she then messages "go for the wine hexy mate" You then update your status "on friend's first name and surname's advice I'm loving my wine. Thanks friendsname - you always encourage me to be bad"

something like this would a) either stop the fb stuff or get her to react with some info and b) signal to other friends in the group that this lady is messaging you and may allow doubt in their minds if she is feeding them guff about you.

Or you could just continue to be dignified and ignore.

I Can't help thinking you need to be stronger and more direct. By letting her FB and text you when she blanks you in public, you are effectively allowing her to continue a very strange little game. She's actually treating you abominably. I really really would block her. Don't be upset; be angry! And say so, if she has the brass neck to challenge you about being blocked.

At the moment you are signalling to her that any old shit she doles out, you will take.

I get the point about your kids being friends, but presumably that is something they are managing all by themselves - didn't you say she makes excuses if you ask her DD round? So I would go with blocking her. If she texts you about it like last time, just ignore the text. Don't pick the phone up if she rings, either. Make it so that if she wants to raise the issue with you, she has to do it face-to-face, which will most likely mean she has to approach you publicly.
I have had my own friendship issue this year and am fed up of people thinking that they can behave badly and expecting the other person to just suck it up! Agree with being more direct in refusing her electronic messaging.

if she texts and asks what's for tea reply "pizza"
If she asks did you have a good evening reply "yes"
Closed answers, preferably one word. mess with her :)

Thanks everyone. The replies and advice are all much appreciated.

I agree with those of you that say I need to delete her and that I'm enabling her to treat me badly. grows a pair of balls

Well done Hex!!!

Delete her from Facebook. Then if she asks why you have deleted her, say "I don't know. You tell me"
It's your FB. She doesn't have the right to be your friend there.

No, if she asks why you deleted her blank her. You don't actually speak to one another in public, after all.

It's annoyed me the way she has made others cool towards me too; I feel like tackling them all about it as and when I next see them all

if it wasn't for the creepy husband I'ld be wondering if it could be some weird sort of social climbing thing, that she wants to keep you on the backburner as mate by dishing out crumbs by way of text/fb messages, just in case she falls out with her other, newer friends? agree with everyone else, she sounds like her "friendship" doesn't exactly add joy to your life.

I think this has everything to do with the husband personally. He blocked you didn't he? Why would you even want her on your FB when she is clearly not a friend and her husband acted so weirdly.
If she asks for an explanation (which she will probably do online or by text because she doesn't actually ever speak to you!) then all you have to say is that you didn't see the point as she ignores you when she sees you and her husband appears to dislike you.

I honestly think she doesn't deserve an explanation. Nor does she need one-she knows full well what she's been doing.

Funnily enough DH describes them both as social climbers. They do seem to want to be friends with people that can give them something. The backburner thing makes sense as it seems that is what she is doing. Keeping me on the backburner but not thinking I'm good enough to talk to in public

Is she still texting you OP?

I don't know why this is still going on OP!!! Can't you just delete & block her completely?! If she does ever actually speak to you again in real life which she won't you can tell her why!! Forget her!!

How very odd but their loss not yours x

The thing is, if you block her on Facebook, what else can she do apart from txting you to ask why?! She txts, you ignore her txt. If it finally makes her actually TALK to you in real life, hey... result!!!