I think I need to end this friendship

[HexagonalQueenOfEverything]

Its a very long story but I'll try to keep it fairly brief. I was very good friends with a woman who lives in my road. Our daughters are at school together. We were very close. About a year ago she just stopped talking to me. I had no idea why and asked her several times but she denied not talking to me and said I'd done nothing wrong. At the same time her husband stopped talking to me too, he deleted and blocked me on Facebook and refused to talk to me in the street or at the school. I asked my friend about this too and she said she had no idea why.

I kind of then accepted the friendship was over and just went about my daily life. If I saw this friend I was polite to her but didn't get involved much. After about 3 months she started messaging me a lot, both as a text and facebook messages, and eventually I started replying and we chatted a lot. I don't see her much as we're both busy. It's always her instigating the messages, often 5 or more per day.

In the last few days though it's dawned on me that the friendship is all on her terms, and actually the following apply:

If I see her in public locally she just says a quick 'hello' and carries on walking. If we are somewhere like a kids party she stands/sits with me but on the school run she actively crosses the road to avoid me.

I've tried inviting her to several nights out and other things but she always says no. Anything is always met with 'not sure what I'm doing yet'

She won't come round or invite me in her house. I recently took a birthday present round for her child and she barely opened the door to me to take it.

She makes excuses if I invite her daughter round. Says she's going out then on her Facebook status totally contradicts herself.

So basically she just wants the friendship to be in a text/facebook format and I think it's her husband dictating to her. However although I've been understanding of this until now, I don't think I am prepared to put up with half a friendship, on her terms. Last night she went out and I saw her walking past the house with two mutual friends and it dawned on me that no way would she have a night out with me now, let alone walk anywhere with me. To me, a friend is a friend at all times, not just when they choose to be.

I feel upset but in a way glad I've come to this decision.

Hex, I think you are right to move away from this person, I would not like to be good friends with someone, then dropped, then picked up again for a Facebook friendship which doesn't involve getting together, especially when you live on the same street.

I also think the amount of texts is bizarre anyway, would you really text an aquaintance several times a day, or am I completely out of the loop? I only call my best friend once a week! (and chat at the school gate to mums every day obviously).

I think this is unreasonably taking over your time and attention, and let's face it, what will you be losing if you lose this friendship, given that she's not there for you, you don't get a coffee and biscuits and you have a vague feeing of rejection all the time.

move on and suggest she moves on too with her weird texting behaviour.

Mumsyblouse, you are right. I have to say I'm not one for texting generally unless there is something to say/ask/organise, definitely not for random chit chat throughout a busy day.

I would probably say I had changed my number and sorry to have forgotten to let her know.

It's not honest but it avoids confrontation. then if she asked for it I would say sorry but I rarely use my phone so am keeping it for those who need to know it.

That might get the message across - once the texting has gone she is pretty much gone anyway. And delete her from facebook, or leave facebook if you can stand to, I left it a year or so ago and never looked back. It's for teenagers or overseas friends/family you want to keep up to date with. IMHO of course adults who are in contact iRL don't need it

How odd to text you all the time but ignore you in public.

Something similar happened to me. I was very good friends with a lovely woman, and during our friendship she had some marriage problems, and she confided in me about what was going on. I don't think she spoke to anyone else about it. However, when they decided to start again with the relationship and try to rebuild things, she decided to keep me at arms' length because she didn't want anyone around that knew what an arse her H is: she just wanted to forget it.

I think it is pretty clear that she really wants to be your friend but for some reason can't be seen to be your friend in public.

I would go to get house when you know her dh is out and give her one last chance to explain why she won't talk to you in public. If she can't do this then be clear that if she can't do you the courtesy of being honest then she can't expect there to be a friendship.

Oh and make it clear that the way she is treating you is rude and hurtful :(

I would reply "Why on earth do you keep texting me when you wont speak to me or socialise with me? Please stop it now".

Then delete her from facebook and take her number off your phone.

Time to make the decision. She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Good idea mintyy

When I read the OP I got the impression that she accused her husband if having an affair/ feelings for you. This would explain her distance and him blocking you on fb etc. it could also explain why she's happy to have a virtual relationship with you but not a real one (she may have told others of this 'affair' and not want to look weak/ stupid going back to having a relationship with you.

Or I could be way off the mark. But discontinuing this friendship is probably best for you.

Great suggestions again everyone :)

Stacey, that is very interesting to read.... I can't remember if I've mentioned it earlier in the thread, but it did cross my mind at some point that the husband might have feelings for me. He is a complex character but has made the occasional comment out of earshot of my friend and husband that could be construed as a bit....pervy.

I think you may very well have a point there. And it would make sense given that the other friend is very 'off' with me too. There are also two other women that are acquaintances of both the friend and I, and I always got on well with them and now they are cool towards me too, almost as if they are disapproving of me for some reason.

As I said hex I may be way off the mark but that was my gut reaction when I read the OP. maybe distance will do you a lot of good, an unstable relationship like this sounds quite demanding. Good luck.

I had the same reaction as Stacey.

I bet she texts you again. I would still ignore tempting as it is to engage in her crazy world. I bet her DH said sthg about you & that's what's eating her but it's not your fault or problem. Let them get on with it!

I am absolutely intrigued to know the full story now.....I guess I'll never know, unless one of the parties she's confided in tells me at some point.

Midwife, yes I bet she probably will text again, either that or send a FB message.

I wonder if her DH said you had flirted with him? The twunt!

I've just had a bit of a thought which might confirm that, Midwife99. About 2 weeks before she stopped talking to me, I looked after their DD for an hour one day and her DH came to pick her up, and there was just he and I alone in my house. That was the last time I saw him, and then the next thing I knew he had deleted me off FB and she wasn't speaking to me. At the time I racked my brains and wondered if I'd done anything to upset them when looking after their DD but couldn't think of anything, as far as I know she had a nice time here and my DS enjoyed playing with her, nothing out of the ordinary happened at all during that hour.

He is the kind of idiot that would make up something like that tbh. I have forgotten to add too that he is absolutely fine with my DH and is all pally pally with him still, which confused me no end too as I genuinely couldn't think of anything I had done, yet for months I walked around feeling a bit guilty when I saw them for some reason, as if I must be a terrible person if they just decided they didn't like me being me.

I would forget about them both. They aren't bringing anything positive to your life. Move on.

Talk to your husband about this. The last thing you want is for either of them to put doubt in his mind too. Especially if you blank her from now on.

Tell your DH the pervy things he said too

DH finds is all as baffling as I do, and has funnily enough said before he reckons this bloke must fancy me or something. He's polite when he sees the man but DH won't get into any conversation or friendly banter anymore.

What a pair of loons!

I've had a text from her, asking if I've had a good day and what am I having for tea tonight! WTF!

Most odd. A bit unhinged in fact...the tea bit.

It sounds as though the person sending the texts is your Mum, and the person you see on the way to school is someone else entirely. Is this at all possible? Are you sure it is the same person??

What Mintyy said: I would reply "Why on earth do you keep texting me when you wont speak to me or socialise with me? Please stop it now".

Do it! Gwan gwan gwan. Then blank them forever.