I want DH to be tougher with me

[bananacrepe]

I know I may get flame for this. I know I should be thanking my lucky stars - and I am, but at the same time I want things to change.

Since I confessed to my affair two months ago DH hasn't shown he is angry with me at all. He is hugely hurt, I know that, and I am deeply sorry and regret it immensely. We are both aware of why it happened and I've been completely honest with him. I am finding it hard to let go of OM (who, incidentally, now pretty much hates me), partly because he seems to want to refuse to acknowledge his part in everything, and can't deal with the guilt, wanting to live on cloud 9 with his new gf (I still believe there was an overlap between me and her. She of course doesn't know this). He is also refusing to answer any questions DH has for him. I think he wants us both to disappear.

Anyway... One of the reasons for the affair - and in saying this I am NOT in any way blaming DH for it - my actions were and are my own responsibility - was because I felt (though I didn't realise this at the time) the relationship was unequal. OM challenged me in a way DH never has. I have suffered from depression and anxiety on and off for a few years, and DH has dealt with that by trying to keep me a calm as possible, which basically meant giving into me. I never really realised how much this was happening until the affair.

I have spoken to him about it but he is still doing it. I am trying hard to be better, to do more for him, to be less irritable and calmer, and I'm getting there. But if something isn't done or I he disagrees with me I wish to goodness he would say so! I don't want him walking on eggshells. I need to know that if I do something to upset him he will tell me. I have found myself pushing him in the past just to get a reaction. I realise this is my problem, and I am working on it, but equally I want him to be happy and I want him to say if I've done something that makes him unhappy. I am trying my best and making sure I'm not doing anything to annoy him or upset him but I need it to be more equal or it won't work. I don't want to be the boss. I don't want to be in charge. I want to be a team now that I have this chance (that I really didn't deserve) to make a go of things.

Heck, that was long... Sorry

Relate.

You've tried talking to him about it but he's obviously got into a rut. Did you ever overreact when he did challenge you? I just wonder why he isn't doing this? Perhaps it's just not his nature? My dh is also very laid-back and very reasonable and sometimes I just want him to show a bit of emotion too, but he's always very calm which drives me nuts!

Sometimes you just have to accept that this is the way he is. If he's a calm and reasonable person, he can't change this aspect of his personality for you.

Sure the other man was more of a challenge, but he was also a cheat and as you now know, is a coward who can't take the heat.

Marriage is a compromise and that means taking the good with the bad. If all that is bad with your dh is that he doesn't challenge you often enough then as you say, you've nothing really to moan about. I think once you stop trying to change him then you might feel better about it.

If however he used to be more challenging and now just wants a quiet life then do try Relate to trash these things through with a third person who will be better at making your dh question his own actions.

You also need to look inwardly too. Why do you want your dh to change now? Was it because when you were with your OM you found this side of him exciting? If you were in a long term relationship with this OM do you not think there would be an aspect of his personality that would also drive you nuts?

There's no simple answer to this one apart from a bit of soul searching and perhaps a bit of outside help.

"I have found myself pushing him in the past just to get a reaction."

Including having an affair?

I think you're being cruel. If your DH is not what you want in a man that is not his fault. He may have a dull personality but, as the injured party, your DH is under no obligation whatsoever to change it. "I have spoken to him about it but he is still doing it." says very clearly that you're blaming him for your infidelity, in spite of what you would have us believe. If he had been different... is no excuse.

Rather than living in the vain hope that he will transform into something he isn't, you should do the decent thing and end the relationship. Let him find someone he can be happy with rather than tolerating a half-life with a woman that doesn't think he quite comes up to scratch.

You are wanting him to change. Why should he? There is nothing wrong with him. It is you who needs to change, not him.

I also think you are being cruel all you have done throughout is try to change the man. He seems very, kind and decent. On the other hand you seem damaged and manipulative.

If I were him I would run for the hills.

My relationship is very similar to yours, but I haven't had an affair. I often push Dh too far for a reaction and I know he finds it very hard to know how to respond to me when I'm really low. The biggest thing that's helped me is to understand his parents relationship and I've seen exactly where he gets it from - although he did get very offended and upset when I pointed this out.

I am working on accepting that this is how he is and I am very grateful - any other man would have kicked me out years ago! I don't really want to change him, it's just the way he is.

You're right. He should have been tougher, he should have left you.

Sorry, but you come across as VERY self centered. Not only with your husband, but with the OM too. Why are you so bothered about him still? He doesn't owe you an explanation or your husband. You have to deal with what you did to your marriage. I don't see how the OM getting involved will make it easier. Plus, sorry, but why do you care that there was an overlap between your affair and him getting with someone else? You were having an affair, so you yourself had somewhat of an overlap between your own relationships, so you're not exactly a beacon of truth and honesty.

Your husband is not the one who has to change. You have to change. Maybe if you stopped blaming everyone else for YOUR bad decisions and just sat and thought about what you've done, that would be a start.

It seems like the issue is not with your DH, the issue is with the OM who has used you and ended it with you, and you are wanting to use your DH to initiate a contact with you and the OM so that you can possibly continue.

This is exceptionally bad behaviour on your part.

I kind of get where you're coming from, my dh is fairly similar. However I've never done what you did.
You must give him time. He is learning to cope with the new layout, don't push him so hard. Give him more time. It's not about you at the moment, even though your intentions are good. He probably still thinks you'll cheat on him again if he behaves in z way you don't like and by saying what he's doing now is also not good enough, really is going to leave him insecure. He(ll wonder just what behavior is going to be up to your exacting standards.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but that's my advice.
Good luck.

If your husband is walking on eggshells around you, it is because he is unsure of how you will react. Which makes it your job to convince him that you will listen calmly, respect his feelings and take on board what he says.
Relate might be a good way of starting this process.
And it has to stop being about you.

I also think you are being unfair. Given your behaviour your DH must understandably be lacking in confidence and self-esteem, and it's unfair of you not to allow him far more time to get his equilibrium back.

It's not his job to police you. It's yours, and yours only.

If a bloke came on here saying I've had an affair, I want my wife to be angry/more assertive/behave how I want her to behave/react how I want her to react about as it's driving me mad there would be uproar.

He has had to tread on eggshells around you and your issues/moods/problems by trying to be understanding and calm - and you repay him by cheating on him and then demanding he reacts differently?

You are some piece of work.

I think you need to work on yourself, not on your husband. I suspect nothing he does is right for you.

OP you sound like my Mum. In fact your story sounds like hers.

Honestly you need to get to relate and possibly see a therapist separately to sort out YOUR issues. If you don't this will drag on for decades. I actually wish my mum had left my Dad whe she did the dirty on him, or that he had thrown her out. He is a gentle bloke and it sounds like your DH is too. People tell my mum what a fabolous bloke he is, he has scores of admirers in our village but he would never look at another woman, but she is horrid to him, she too thinks he is not hard enough on her and wants some rage from him, some anger, but it is not his way.

This has been going on 30the yrs that I know of. Please do something about it now before you end up like them...

Do you have a counsellor, a psychologist, someone to work with to figure out where you are going wrong?

If not, then you should have.

You are not taking responsibility for what you are doing to your relationship or to your H while you complain that he is not a different person and seek to keep up some sort of link to the OM and his GF by embroiling them in your marriage problems.

Has anyone ever suggested, even in jest, that you may have a personality disorder?

I'm with the majority, sorry. It's you that needs to change, not your H. If he's not challenging enough for you then leave him and put the poor sod out of his misery.
Why are you concerning yourself with OM, whether or not he hates you or when he started his relationship with his GF should be of no interest to you now.

Seriously? Are you for real? You are emotionally abusing you dh and you want him to change?
Sorry but you sound very selfish. In all honesty the biggest change he should have made was to his marital status. You marries him, why are you wanting to change him. You had the affair, you hurt him. Its you that needs to change.
In fact, I am not sorry.

Sorry - not ignoring, just been out. Some very fair comments, and some things I need to make clear.

DH is a wonderful person. I am exceptionally lucky that he fell for me in the first place, let alone let me stay after all this. I did not have the affair to push him - it was a result of low self-esteem (ironic, given what I did makes me a worse person, thus a self-fulfilling prophecy), among other things - DH not talking to me about how he was feeling over a number of years, even though I kept trying for this. We'd have a conversation in which I'd spill out my guts, he'd listen but I'd get a one sentence answer, and that would be it. Then I became friends with OM, who listened (yes, it's a cliche - I realise that now) and it made me (stupidly) question everything. I talked about our problems a lot with DH but we never got anywhere. It's not his fault - there is no justification for what I did - these are reasons, not justifications.

Of course I know now what I had with OM wasn't reality, it was chemicals and leading a 'relationship' without all the everyday mundane crap that goes with it, and it was all very cliched etc etc. I don't want to downplay my stupidity, my regret, and my absolute certainty that I would never, ever do it again. I can't help being sad that OM has treated me like crap - partly it's because everyone thinks he's wonderful, and he's not. Partly he always said our friendship was so important (we were friends for years before this) but he hasn't been interested in that since gf appeared and I realise I was just a gap filler, which makes the whole things seem even more pointless than it did before (and that was a lot). It frustrates me that I'm trying to face up to what I've done and he wants to bury his head in the sand and pretend I don't exist.

I'm not trying to change DH's personality. I wouldn't want to. He is one in a million, and lord knows how he puts up with me. I am trying to change - I know it needs to come from me - and I know that in the past I've got angry over stupid things and I'm trying to show him that won't happen any more. I'm trying so hard, and doing much better, but I still need him to tell me if I've done something wrong if I don't known. He has said he didn't mind about things for so long I sometimes don't know what he wants. I just want to find that out but I can't if he doesn't tell me.

Its nit his job to tell you when you do something wrong. Why do you not know this yourself?

Who are you? Scarlett O'Hara?

OM challenged me in a way DH never has It should be obvious to you the only challenge was that you weren't enough of a challenge, or of sufficient interest, to retain the affections of the OM. You were just one of many to him and now he's off with his latest squeeze.

You can't 'let go' of the OM? I've got news for you, honey. The OM's let go of you and you're history as far as he's concerned.

If you've been completely honest with your dh why would he need to ask the OM any questions? Or are you manipulating your dh in the hope that his 'questions' will in some way make the OM's new gf aware of your existence?

As for you not wanting your dh to be 'walking on eggshells', you come across as a high maintenance diva and I suspect that your dh has been tiptoeing around you for a very long time.

The OM unceremoniously dumped you. Here's hoping your dh spares himself more misery by following his lead.

No, izzy, I'm not. I'm a stupid idiot who has made a stupid mistake and wants to do the best I can to improve the situation and treat my DH a darn sight better than I have done so far.

Dprince - who in this life can honestly say they have never done anything to upset someone without realising it? Or can say definitely they can tell every single time when their partner is being honest about what they want and when they're just trying to keep you happy? Especially when they've been doing it for years. I need his help too.

Sounds like you have some issues of your own that you need to work through like why you feel that you should be punished.

It also sounds like you and your DH are not well suited.

One question, dont answer if you dont want i understand it is personal, but was your dad tough on you? (im not trying to be rude btw)

You don't need his help to know that fucking someone else is wrong. If you do, then wow.