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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

is he being a dick or is it me??

171 replies

LittleMissMessup · 23/06/2012 23:23

DP of four years works away about 80% of the time, few weeks gone, maybe a week back, then gone again, very haphazard, he's missed birthdays, anniversaries etc..he totally loves the job, never even discussed taking it with me, he was offered it within his company (no pay rise with it) and took it. I'm full time mum of 3, part time freelance writer and spend most ofmy time feeling like a single mum struggling to make ends meet..
He's currently away, we've seen him about five weeks this year in odds and sods, no real quality time at home. He's just called saying how we can't wait to come home, realizes he's been away a lot this year etc and I tell him how DD 2 has started asking for him all the time (she's 2) and we can't wait to have him home next Friday. He then says oh I'm not coming home Friday, there's a big party Friday night. It's free booze, it'll be a laugh etc..and I was like what the actual fuck!! Then he says I hate him going out. I don't.. I hate that we once again come after his fucking social life.
I love him but i have gone through so much shit with him, EA's (yes, plural) not wanting to involve me in his social life, me not being able to challenge him without it being world war III..
I don't know, I'm tired, I've been organizing our imminent house move while he's been away, on top of looking after DC and trying to meet a deadline. This has just made me so sad, I feel it's so selfish of him and maybe it's the last straw..or maybe it's me being unreasonable?? And views ladies??

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 23/06/2012 23:25

He's a dick.

This doesnt even sound like a relationship. Is there anything in it for you at all?

Sarcalogos · 23/06/2012 23:27

What Is he contributing to your household?

LittleMissMessup · 23/06/2012 23:28

Thanks madonna.. I'm beginning to ask myself the same question..he pays the rent, substantially less than half his,wage, I cover EVERYTHING else.

OP posts:
Beamur · 23/06/2012 23:30

Doesn't sound like you're getting what you want out of this relationship.

LittleMissMessup · 23/06/2012 23:31

Doesn't feel like a real relationship.. I want our real relationship back :(

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 23/06/2012 23:31

Honestly? He sounds like a selfish cock.

LittleMissMessup · 23/06/2012 23:34

Thing is I don't want much, just to feel like we're the partnership we used to be again instead I feel like we're becoming two separate entities. I don't know how to even talk to him about it, he refuses to see there's a problem or it starts an argument.. he's started hanging up on me lately if he doesn't like what I have to say.

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LittleMissMessup · 23/06/2012 23:36

Thanks all, I was beginning to think I'm an unreasonable bitch..

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SundaysGirl · 23/06/2012 23:37

He sounds very selfish and immature. Sounds like he is completely uncommitted to a family life emotionally, time-wise and from your follow up post financially as well. Sad

And you say he has been emotionally abusive and will not allow you to challenge him on his behaviour either? Sounds as though he is less of a partner and more of a dead-weight, dragging you down.

Sounds like a really stressful way to live to me, and very frustrating.

What age are your other children? Are they his children as well?

thenightsky · 23/06/2012 23:41

Seriously OP... you've seen him for 5 weeks of this year.? You do know it's the end of June any minute now, don't you? 5 weeks in half a year is shite. He needs to get a grip.

QuintessentialShadows · 23/06/2012 23:41

Look at it this way.

He pays your rent.
Consider the relationship over, but let him pay rent. He does not need to know it is over yet, while you consider the options you have. If you are already a struggling mum of three, imagine what it is like if you actually also have to pay your rent!?

Ensure you have a full time job before you tell him the relationship is over, so you can pay your way yourself.

LittleMissMessup · 23/06/2012 23:45

I was just so pissed off and sad when I came off the phone, he's a dick, I've been trying to tell myselfl he's stressed, he needs his time out etc..
I'm with my kids 24/7, I absolutely love being a mum, it's one of the few things I'm good at..he's missing so much and as much as he bangs on about missing them, he's not here is he, he didn't have to take this job, and when he has chance to come home he wants to stay for a piss up! Gah just want to rant it all out!

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LittleMissMessup · 23/06/2012 23:49

Maybe I used the wrong abbreviation.. EA as in emotional affairs..
Quint.. I was a single mum of 2 when we met, I know what being on my own is all about.. older DC are mine from previous relationship, but he's been dad to them and we have a two year old together ..before he took this job things were pretty good, we made a nice little family..

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 23/06/2012 23:59

This man is a dick.

I am sorry to say that I think he sounds very disengaged from you and your family and I don't think you actually have a relationship in anything but name.

I suggest the same as someone up thread. Accept it's over and start making your own way, let him carry on paying the rent for a bit though.

5 weeks in 6 months is a joke! Can you imagine not seeing your 2 year old for that long because I can't Sad.

MaloryMad · 24/06/2012 00:02

It's not you.
He's a dick.

He enjoys the distance he's putting between him and his family.

LittleMissMessup · 24/06/2012 00:07

Thanks aka, I can't imagine being away for more than a couple of hours..but then I never am..
We were supposed to be getting married this year :( its beginning to feel like a farce..

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MaloryMad · 24/06/2012 00:10

Please don't marry him while he still behaves like this. He needs to show you over a period of at least a year that he can place you as the highest priority in his life because believe me, if he's like this now he will be WORSE after you marry.

madonnawhore · 24/06/2012 00:10

He doesn't give a shit does he? FIVE WEEKS out of SIX MONTHS??? And having a piss up is more important than coming home to be with you and DCs.

Really gobsmacked that you're even still bothering to try to make excuses for him instead of telling him to fuck off ages ago.

LittleMissMessup · 24/06/2012 00:11

Malory..it's beginning to feel like that, yes. But if I say that to him I'll get all the I hate being away, you're using the DC as weapons blah blah.. no, I'm just pointing out the truth that they miss you ffs, aaargh, he can be so frustrating.

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tiredandupset · 24/06/2012 00:12

what is it with some men? i am in pretty much the same situation as u op i don't know why we put up with it

LittleMissMessup · 24/06/2012 00:17

Malory.. he actually became worse after the proposal, like I'm his belonging now and won't rock the boat and miss out on 'my' wedding, like he's fucking fireproof!
Madonna.. he's taking the piss..I know..I'm inclined to text him that, bit I think he already got the gist from our phone call..I was very vulnerable after I had our 2 year old, as this was around the time he had his 'daliances ' (nothing physical but it knocked me for a six ) gradually I'm becoming the woman I used to be and honestly I'm getting tired of being last on his list.

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LittleMissMessup · 24/06/2012 00:19

tired.. I'm sorry :( I don't know why, I think maybe we remember it wasn't always like that, and we love em even though it's bloody obvious they don't deserve us Brew Biscuit

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madonnawhore · 24/06/2012 00:20

Him hanging up on you is shit too.

And he has form for EAs? Jeez, DO NOT marry this twat.

So what if he says he hates being away and really misses he DCs? Words are cheap. And his actions speak the complete opposite in fact.

Shirsten · 24/06/2012 00:25

What a horrible situation.

It's not you....he talks about missing you & the children but then decides a party is more important than coming back to you all?

Your gut is probably telling you that he's a selfish bastard but because he talks the talk you feel confused. As Madonnawhore said - actions not words....

He sounds very, very selfish.