is he being a dick or is it me??

[LittleMissMessup]

DP of four years works away about 80% of the time, few weeks gone, maybe a week back, then gone again, very haphazard, he's missed birthdays, anniversaries etc..he totally loves the job, never even discussed taking it with me, he was offered it within his company (no pay rise with it) and took it. I'm full time mum of 3, part time freelance writer and spend most ofmy time feeling like a single mum struggling to make ends meet..
He's currently away, we've seen him about five weeks this year in odds and sods, no real quality time at home. He's just called saying how we can't wait to come home, realizes he's been away a lot this year etc and I tell him how DD 2 has started asking for him all the time (she's 2) and we can't wait to have him home next Friday. He then says oh I'm not coming home Friday, there's a big party Friday night. It's free booze, it'll be a laugh etc..and I was like what the actual fuck!! Then he says I hate him going out. I don't.. I hate that we once again come after his fucking social life.
I love him but i have gone through so much shit with him, EA's (yes, plural) not wanting to involve me in his social life, me not being able to challenge him without it being world war III..
I don't know, I'm tired, I've been organizing our imminent house move while he's been away, on top of looking after DC and trying to meet a deadline. This has just made me so sad, I feel it's so selfish of him and maybe it's the last straw..or maybe it's me being unreasonable?? And views ladies??

He is being a dick and it is definitely NOT you.

I agree with the advice you have already been given here. Call off the wedding, it's one of the reasons he thinks he can behave in this way to you. But you've already worked that one out - "he actually became worse after the proposal, like I'm his belonging now and won't rock the boat and miss out on 'my' wedding, like he's fucking fireproof!"

He is living the life of a single man, your home is not his home, it's just where he keeps his stuff that doesn't fit into his suitcase. And I'm sorry, but I really think you need to consider his fidelity. You posted earlier - "Bizarrely sometimes when he calls I'll have the tv on in the background or something or there'll be a random noise and he's all what was that, who's there etc, and I'm like wtf it's me and DC 24/7 there's no one here but us..I can almost hear the accusation in his voice when he knows full well where I stand on infidelity. If I was to question him the same..geez.. that would be a cardinal sin!" Generally, people are most quick to accuse others of their own misdemeanours. Part guilt, part covering their tracks, completely red flag.

Look into what kind of financial help you will get when you show him the door. Because you know that this is what you need to do, for you and your DC.

Thanks clam..that's pretty much what I'm thinking.. how much time do you need to yourself ffs..
Where..I actually do believe he thinks that because I'm getting 'my' wedding I won't do anything that might put it at risk therefore he treats me shoddily and I say nothing.. but I do say something, I always say something. And the reason he refuses to engage or discuss or hangs up on me..is because he knows I'm bloody well right!

Even the fact that he talks about it as "your wedding" is a bad sign. I know the bride tends to have more of a say in how its all done, but its not all about you, it should be 'our wedding' and be about what it represents - the joining of two lives, two families and looking to a future together - not just a big party so that LittleMiss gets to wear a posh dress. He's totally missing the point.

In your situation, I would cancel "my" wedding.

I understand that he has to be away for his job, but not to actually speak to you before taking it, equals total dick!
He has not seen you & your dcs for such a long time but would miss seeing you all for a PARTY when you have only seen him for 5 weeks out of a year!!!-is this a relationship ?
You cannot put up with his disraguard for your feelings or that of your dcs any longer.
You are expected to also sort out moving house entirely alone and bring up his children, yet he puts his social life before you when he should be coming home

And i would cancel the wedding

DoingIt.. I've had that conversation with him too, it's not the dress, the hoohaa, the bells and whistles, it's a marriage, not just a wedding day..
AF.. I don't think there'd be a wedding even if I didn't cancel it..oh, wait, I can't cancel it..he won't set a date.
It's so stupid.. I actually feel guilty for talking about him like this :(

Thanks pumpkin.. everyone is so kind.. I've kept this in for ages, just getting it out is a salve to the soul.. thanks all x

Don't feel guilty. This is anonymous and it is helping you. I even posted a copy of an email my STBXH sent me (but felt guilty and had it withdrawn!) but you do need other people's perspective on your problems to make you see that what you've come to expect as normal, is really unacceptable.

People often use the frog analogy in these situations. If you put a frog in boiling water it would jump out, but put it in cold water and gradually warm it up, the frog doesn't notice until its too late. We are the frogs here! Things go from lovely, to a bit niggly, to unacceptable, to emotional abuse without us noticing where the boundaries have been blurred.

Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to point out the blinking obvious and once your eyes are open you are empowered to do something about it. Don't feel bad that MNers are trying to help you and prevent you taking the very well-trodden path that so many of us have! xxx

ah, so "your wedding" doesn't actually exist ?

it's simply a carrot to dangle, a way to get you to STFU and let him do exactly what he wants although it hurts you ?

Agree, if he hasn't set a date - or won't allow you to do so and start actually planning, there is no wedding

Thanks DoingIt..sometimes i think am I just an ungrateful bitch who's feeling neglected? Boohoo poor me sort of thing. Then I realize this is my life ffs, I only get one go. And I'm with a man who should be sharing it with me and adding to it, feeling privileged to be part of a lovely family but instead distances himself at every opportunity. He dorder work away because he enjoys it, and I know he wouldn't give it up to save our relationship.

AF..that's pretty much what I think..

My DH can be like that so i totally understand the situation. also if you seem capable which im sure you are, he'll be taking you for granted.

nowaways, i negotiate upfront the specifics of my dH going out and i trade in something or some time for me. i will come down very strong to my dh if i think he is taking the piss and i articulate why.
ive been so far to articulate to his mother,father,work colleagues,friends when i have totally not given a shit as my dh so demonstrates the same when he is like your dh.

now my dh knows how much of a dragon / bitch i can be so. ..... life is good now heh heh

does help ive been the breadwinner a number of years (and paid for childcare) so the power struggles has somewhat been in my favourbut hey...it worked for me to stand up for myself.

you need to do the same else your dh will continue walking over you.

It's so stupid.. I actually feel guilty for talking about him like this

Please don't!

Get it all out, as much as what lots of us are saying sounds abrupt-you really need to see how it looks to people on the outside, men like this go to great lengths in their charades, enough to make intelligent women like you question what they think/feel instictively.

You so don't need this weasel in your life OP.

Thanks starry.. believe me I stand up for myself but to no effect it's literally like talking to a brick wal at times, and we can't really negotiate going out etc, he's away all the time and pleases himself and the only people I'd trust with my children (my parents ) are an hour away.. there is no time for me as he is never really here to have DC so I could go out..

Thanks amber.. I will have to sign off for a bit now, still so much to do, kids to feed etc and no contact from DP yet today.. he'll be sulking because I obviously exist to spoil his fun..
Thanks all til later x

I think it's a bit rich for him to accuse you of "hating him going out" when you've been enabling him to "be out" 21 weeks of the last 26!

His sense of entitlement is quite staggering. But the fact that he thinks he's entitled in this way proves really how far apart your wants and needs are. I can't see you resolving this one, to be honest.

messsup..where there's a will, there's a way. ultimately, is your dh going to concede on this occassion to put your needs first? and how much more are you wanting to put up with this?

what about your dh paying for a babysitter so you can get time for yourself?

seriously, if your DH isnt willing to put the effort in then you either accept the situation or look to get out.

Ironically I'd been invited to a friends birthday meal the night he's due back and turned it down because I knew he'd be coming home and wanted to see him..when i told him i wasn't going he said 'good, she only invited you because she doesn't have any one else to ask anyway' So in other words I'm the person people ask when they're out of options? thanks..

Hmm, a leetel bit of projection there, methinks

As he clearly sees you as pretty low down his list of "options"

Jeez what a prize twat! C'mon hon wakey wakey here, he's making you look like a laughing stock apart from anything else. Ok so maybe after (?) years of being single, you were suckered in by the whole strong man, white picket fence thing but if you don't want to sentence yourself to a life in prison with an emotional vampire who will hold you back and keep you down (and be a really bad example for your kids), you seriously need to get shot sooner rather than later...

Hellto.. that's all well and good in theory but we just signed a tenancy for a new house that I'll be moving me and kids into tomorrow and he'll be joining us in when he gets back. He's paid the bond upfront and we've co-signed the contract..I can neither back out now nor tell him he's not welcome in his own home!

Ironic about the party when he's going to one based on a pity invite, whereas yours is just a friend. Can you reunite yourself?

I'd seriously look into getting a babysitter you can trust. If you don't you'll never be able to do things you need to do. I'll bet he'll complain about that too

Is there a clause in your new tenancy which allows you to change your mind due to a change in circumstances?
Now would be a good time for a fresh start for you and your dcs.

Please listen to what the others are saying. You deserve better than this man.