is he being a dick or is it me??

[LittleMissMessup]

DP of four years works away about 80% of the time, few weeks gone, maybe a week back, then gone again, very haphazard, he's missed birthdays, anniversaries etc..he totally loves the job, never even discussed taking it with me, he was offered it within his company (no pay rise with it) and took it. I'm full time mum of 3, part time freelance writer and spend most ofmy time feeling like a single mum struggling to make ends meet..
He's currently away, we've seen him about five weeks this year in odds and sods, no real quality time at home. He's just called saying how we can't wait to come home, realizes he's been away a lot this year etc and I tell him how DD 2 has started asking for him all the time (she's 2) and we can't wait to have him home next Friday. He then says oh I'm not coming home Friday, there's a big party Friday night. It's free booze, it'll be a laugh etc..and I was like what the actual fuck!! Then he says I hate him going out. I don't.. I hate that we once again come after his fucking social life.
I love him but i have gone through so much shit with him, EA's (yes, plural) not wanting to involve me in his social life, me not being able to challenge him without it being world war III..
I don't know, I'm tired, I've been organizing our imminent house move while he's been away, on top of looking after DC and trying to meet a deadline. This has just made me so sad, I feel it's so selfish of him and maybe it's the last straw..or maybe it's me being unreasonable?? And views ladies??

The man sounds charming

He said that your friend only asked you to go for a meal because she didn't have anyone else to invite?

What a manipulative bastard!

He doesn't want a loving wife, he wants a 'yes' woman.

OP you need to take back control and keep your dignity before this man tramples all over it.

You've already said he wouldn't change his job for you or dc's.

Don't feel guilty, his actions and words are that of a twat!

You say that you want the man you fell in love with, you know as an intelligent woman that people start showing who they really are after the honeymoon period. This is the real him!

Tears.. its a done deal..we've paid out a lot upfront for the bond and we'd lose that plus our current house is now up for sale with lots of interest as the landlord has decided not to re-let...He did the final once over yesterday and i've to drop the keys in tomorrow once the house is emptied..we'd be homeless if we don't carry on, the DC have even visited their new school and love it. There's no going back on this one.

im a landlord and i'd be willing to change the contract. you will only know if you ask. as far as im concerned it would make no difference if you are there on your own or with him as long as the rent got paid.

i wish i could channel some of my sassiness down the internet at you. i get so frustrated at threads like this (not at you op, at the dp's)

you say you stick up for yourself but to me, this means you tell him he is being a pig, he ignores you and then does what he wants.

i stick up for myself. if my dp does something unreasonable he gets told. he gets an explanation about why its unreasonable and if he doesnt see my point, then he gets told in a different way, over and over and over. (im like a dog with a bone )

it ends with him understanding where im coming from or an apology.

my inner self or sense of self worth would not allow someone who so obviously doesnt give a fuck about me or my feelings walk over me.

sticking up for yourself is TELLING him that he comes home that night he's back or he doesnt come home at all. i would let the chips fall where they fall.

id rather put the dc's in a new school, move in with my parents or present myself homeless to the council than let some fecking prick, twat, cunt, ugly on the inside piece of shit treat me so uncaringly.

You can still tell him that you would rather he didn't move in there for the moment. He needs a wake-up call very badly, and this will just get worse unless you do something to make him realise exactly what's on the line (and he doesn't listen.....)

just thought too, doesnt a joint contact just means that you are both responsible for the rent and the general up keep of the house? if he's not there tomorrow when you pick up the keys- why not just not give him one?

what's he going to do? ring up the landlord and say dp wont give me a key?

I think you should consult a lawyer viz moving into the new house but not with your dp.

Don't give him a chance to get his feet under the table.

Sassy I wish I could convey to you the many, many ways in which I've gone about trying to 'reach him'..he will appear to understand, then please himself anyway and sod how I feel..rinse and repeat, so on and so forth. I am moving into our new home tomorrow, I've planned it and planned it and we're all so excited here (it's on the coast so quite a big move)
if I decide to call time on this relationship, then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, even if it means finding the money to buy DP out of his share of the bond.

I cannot and will not make him homeless! Regardless of anything else he is my youngest daughter's dad, my older two DC call him dad as he's the only one they've ever known. No. I will not go down that road.

ok then, when he rings you morning noon and night- DONT ANSWER. have a time limt in your head, say after kids are in bed or after evening meal and only answer then. when he asks why you didnt answer, say your busy with the dc's and if he starts having a go - put the phone down and do not answer again that day.

a taste of their own medicine is usual the only way some people learn.

is there no body in the world who can watch your dc's why you go out that night?

its sad, but you have a classic case of you holding on to them reins tightly and him trying to run off. 9 times out of 10, when you let go, they come running.

they only explanation then, if you have conveyed your feelings as well as i do to your dp, is - my dp cares about mine and yours doesnt.

Sassy..it's still a no on the dinner with my friend, it would mean traveling back here from the new place then taking kids to my parents etc etc..i just cant be bothered. The point i was trying to make was i didn't even think of those things as reasons not to go, the only reason for me was i wanted to see DP when he got to our new home after so long away.

and therein lies the power imbalance.

you care, he doesnt.

its going nowhere.

put up and shut up or find someone who really cares

are the only solutions.

"if I decide to call time on this relationship..."

OP this makes me so sad. How can you possibly contemplate staying?

He has form for affairs, he's a habitual porn user, he clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about you - what do you think you're getting out if this situation now (i wont even call it a relationship because it isnt one)?

Madonna.. I know what I need to do, I'm just not quite there yet, it's just not that cut and dried.. I wish it was.

Sassy, harsh but true

I cannot and will not make him homeless! Where has he lived for all bar 5 weeks of this entire year so far?

It wasn't meant as a crticism OP. Like AF said, you sound highly capable and intelligent. I just can't understand someone like you would waste any time or energy on such a fucking wanker. You and the DCs deserve so, so, so much better.

We're all just so angry on your behalf.

oops- it wasnt meant to be harsh- just stating the facts.

sorry op, if ive upset you.

everyone has their own leaving point, just dont waste months/years getting there.

Hi all..just in the middle of bedtime, it's going to be an early start tomorrow and a long day for us..I took the cot and bunk beds apart earlier today so I've set up the mattresses in our bedroom and the kids are treating it like a sleep over while baby has crashed out in her travel cot. Still a lot for me to do tonight and this thread is liable to go very quiet as I asked for the broadband etc to be disconnected today so at some point I'll be relying on my phone and crappy 3G.
I don't think anyone has been harsh btw, I know I'm a good, strong, capable woman in need of a push in the right direction.. why do you think I posted on here? So the ladies of MN could give me that push. But it won't happen overnight, I can't just switch off but I have started to disengage and he knows it.
Thank you all for the advice and support you've given today, and for giving your time too. if I get chance to pop back on later (or if he calls and I have an update ) I will.
Thanks again x

I hope the move goes well, it's going to be a busy and exhausting time getting through that, then you can concentrate on sorting the next bit out

Good luck with the move!

good luck with the move.

ive moved 3 times in the last 10 years and i dont you!

fish and chip supper makes it worthwhile for me though

good luck. i hope this is the start of a better life for you and dc's.

You sound lovely. Really lovely.

Much too lovely to be treated like this

Way to go LittleMiss. In your own good time.

How long is the bond on your new house for?
The length of the tenancy aggreement, less the notice, will give you the amount of time you have, to sort out what you want to do and how.

If his current behaviour is any indication, it might be a long time yet before he moves in 'his' new home.
Or work away might be on the cards again after a short go at full time family life.

Wait, observe, detach, prepare. You are right not to go into panic mode right now and upset your DCs, geopardize your finances and credibility.

And good luck with your move tomorrow!

PS/ Leave the old beliefs and ghosts in the old house.

Dick.